Sometimes I get a bit weepy and feeling sorry for myself. This happens to all of us I know, but usually people don't write their weepiness down for others to read. Maybe I do it because I know that mostly just my friends and family read this and it's hard for me to talk about some of this stuff. Maybe I get self pitying and write which I'm starting to think is like drinking and dialing. This most recent episode of uteral agony was brought about by a good friend talking about planning her second pregnancy. It seemed so effortless for her and she was so positive that it would happen, the juxtaposition of her fertility versus mine set off a bit of an internal scrum for me. I'm okay now and I really don't expect many more of those because this time I ended up feeling something that I had never felt before- the absolute feeling that I had just been wallowing for wallowings sake. HUM- that gave me some food for thought. Yeah, boo hoo, poor me with my one beautiful, vibrant girl that fills everyday with magic and laughter. Oh poor me that I could only manage to finance one adoption. Oh sad sad day that I will never have to find out if my hips are actually as friendly to the birthing process as they seem in the mirror.
Let's divert quickly from the thought of me naked in front of a mirror shall we..... I don't want to have to face the fact that I would have to limit my candy corn this Halloween, or the pumpkin bread, or SHREEEK!! think about a very low indulgence level at Christmas. NO, I will just refuse to look at myself at all, lest you have 532 posts about the state of my thighs and lower belly and what seems to be happening to my ass.
So yes, ignore or forgive the post before last. I'm okay and am not drowning my sorrow in chocolate covered raisins. (Evelyn and I were watching Hocus Pocus, we had to eat them, it's tradition).
In other news I have discovered that my child is Hedonistic. I bought one of those super soft and kind of shiny faux fur blankets on a TJ Maxx splurge this evening. It was promptly claimed by the Butter Bean in question. Once home, she stripped - naked, climbed onto the couch and had me cover her up in the blanket, then she rolled around giggling and feeling the softness ( this was so unfair because it's exactly what I wanted to do but grown ups don't act that way- right?). Then she sat there, naked, in the softness and had snacks!!!! The Roman Emperors would have been proud, what with all of that indulgence. She is now in bed with said blanket so I didn't even get a single snuggle with it. By the way, she was told that there was no way that she was sleeping naked, so just forget it kid and tomorrow night that blanket is mine.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
BM 1 Dillon - The Tiny Version
Evelyn found one of her Papa's old CG hats in the house today. In the spirit of pretending to be someone else all day, she has taken on the persona of her Coastie Dad. She has been wearing that big, old, dirty hat for a few hours now and she is really fleshing out the "story". She works at Station New Hatteras, she has a Coast Guard cat named Billy Bones who drives the boats, she has a new office, she has a galley that offers about 75 flavors of Popsicles. At one point I forgot what I was doing and called her Evelyn when I offered her some Pumpkin candy, I was politely but kindly reminded that she was " BM 1 Dillon or Boat Call (another name for a BM 1 is Boats, she translates that to Boat Call) and that I should call her one of those names at the "station" or I would get into trouble, then she took the candy. I certainly hope that BM 1 Dillon wants to go to Target and the playground today....
Monday, September 29, 2008
This Is It
For awhile there, Leslie and I were talking about adopting a second child. We talked and talked about it and it seemed that we could really fit two children in our lives. Except that..... Well, the process is so expensive and the waits so long now that it feels like something that we can not do. Evelyn would be at least 8 years old before we crossed our thresh-hold with another baby. I don't know. Mostly it feels silly to say "oh it's too much and too long" and those be the viable reasons for not going after another baby. That's the reality though. Money does not grow on trees. But then , well, with the wait being soooo long , we could space the money out and it wouldn't be such an immediate suck on our finances as Evelyn's adoption was. So, okay, then I say, The Wait. Oh my. We would be paperchasing and updating things for YEARS. Even if a fairy godmother dropped the dough into my lap, I would have to think long and hard about signing my family up for that roller coaster and then I would be, what 39 with a baby/toddler. eee gads.
It feels like, well, I don't know , sad really. I look at Evelyn and I know that she is enough, she is. I just wanted more for her, more love, more faces, more to turn to when Les and I are old. Also, as selfish as this sounds, I wanted another chance to do things better. There are so many things that I have done wrong with Evelyn , that I wanted a chance to say to myself, "see there, you can get it right, second times a charm".
I have just said this and I have said it many times before now, but I am going to say it again because it needs to be said before I move on. Evelyn is such a blessing and a miracle in my life. She is enough. Really and truly. I do not feel a hole in my life or a longing for that "biological" child. I don't.
However, when I hear people talking of getting pregnant again, or I see a pregnant woman with a child Ev's age tagging along with her? I get this sick, sad feeling inside. Not because I can't do that. Because THEY can, so easily it seems. I don't have the option to add to my family when I see fit, I can't just decide to "jump in " and do it. I can't have a quiet conversation with my husband where we decide, yeah,two would be nice and THEN GET PREGNANT. That option has been denied to me.
Some days I wonder why I have been denied this ability. Some days I think it's because I really am not a good Mother and someone , somewhere knew that about me. Okay, most days that's what I think. Some days I get sick and mad about it, yes , after all of these years.
BUT every day, I look at Evelyn and I know that because my body is a train wreck, I got her and you know what? It seems like the trade of a life time.
So this is it.
Evelyn.
She is enough. I hope that I can be enough for her.
Someday soon I will head up to the attic and go through all of those totes full of clothes that Evelyn has outgrown. Clothes and shoes and toys I was saving for the myth of a second child. I will go alone and I will grieve, I will cry and then I will take the things that I don't want to save, out of the house and out of my mind.
It feels like, well, I don't know , sad really. I look at Evelyn and I know that she is enough, she is. I just wanted more for her, more love, more faces, more to turn to when Les and I are old. Also, as selfish as this sounds, I wanted another chance to do things better. There are so many things that I have done wrong with Evelyn , that I wanted a chance to say to myself, "see there, you can get it right, second times a charm".
I have just said this and I have said it many times before now, but I am going to say it again because it needs to be said before I move on. Evelyn is such a blessing and a miracle in my life. She is enough. Really and truly. I do not feel a hole in my life or a longing for that "biological" child. I don't.
However, when I hear people talking of getting pregnant again, or I see a pregnant woman with a child Ev's age tagging along with her? I get this sick, sad feeling inside. Not because I can't do that. Because THEY can, so easily it seems. I don't have the option to add to my family when I see fit, I can't just decide to "jump in " and do it. I can't have a quiet conversation with my husband where we decide, yeah,two would be nice and THEN GET PREGNANT. That option has been denied to me.
Some days I wonder why I have been denied this ability. Some days I think it's because I really am not a good Mother and someone , somewhere knew that about me. Okay, most days that's what I think. Some days I get sick and mad about it, yes , after all of these years.
BUT every day, I look at Evelyn and I know that because my body is a train wreck, I got her and you know what? It seems like the trade of a life time.
So this is it.
Evelyn.
She is enough. I hope that I can be enough for her.
Someday soon I will head up to the attic and go through all of those totes full of clothes that Evelyn has outgrown. Clothes and shoes and toys I was saving for the myth of a second child. I will go alone and I will grieve, I will cry and then I will take the things that I don't want to save, out of the house and out of my mind.
Pot Luck Entry
* Evelyn has a new "look". This is because her hair has finally grown to the point that we needed to have a rather heated discussion about her current style. She wanted it left alone to "grow and grow and stay in her face". I have a real problem with kids that walk around with hair in their face, looking all kiddish and nonchalant about life (you know like kids are supposed to be- we all know that I am a bit neurotic). OK at this point I KNOW that my sister is rolling around laughing because actually this hair growth? Is like unnoticeable to anyone but Evelyn and her Mama, and Lissa just thinks it's so funny when Ev forces a tiny wisp over to her eyes and postures for someone to notice her hair and how LLLLOOOONNNGGG it is. Well, we reached a compromise. Evelyn may grow her hair and have no bang trimming (well there will eventually have to be a "cleaning up the edges" type of trim) and can have her hair grow all out to one length if that's what she wants, BUT she has to wear hair bobbles to keep her hair out of her face. No arguing, no fussing and no taking them out after 20 minutes. This is day 2- so far, so good. There are two bonuses here for me 1) I can FINALLY start using the gazillion hair bobbles that I bought before we ever went to China and 2) She looks really cute.
* Evelyn still has a few idiosyncrasies to her speech. I am dreading the boring old day when she has it all figured out but for now we still enjoy those quirks. For instance:
belt seat = seat belt
measure tape = tape measure
black = white
white = black
tall or too big = small or too little and vice versa
cartoon = tattoo
see ya later calculater=se you later alligator
There are others that are much cuter but wouldn't you know, I can't remember them right now.
* We have just gone through and come out the other side of what you might call a rough patch. Several things converged on Evelyn at once to make what Les and I call, The Perfect Storm of Four Years Old. Overnight she was like this GIRL and not a toddler or in an in-between phase. A little girl that wanted more Independence and responsibility and her parents were about three stages behind her. Leslie and I had fallen into this pattern of being more strict than we needed to be , just because we got a bit lazy and Evelyn had had enough. THEN apparently she was going through some adoption issues internally and she was playing out all of that negativity with ME. I won't bore you with the details of how each of these things occurred to us and how we have tried to fix them, let's just say that we are now chuggin' along okay and Evelyn is a more improved version of herself.
* I want to thank my Mom for loving Evelyn like she does. My Mom loves Evelyn with a ferocity and deep running strength that truly rivals my own. Since the minute that Mom laid eyes on Evelyn and seen us together as a family, she has been advocating for a more relaxed attitude when it comes to how we deal with Ev. She has faced me down time after time and I have to say, she was right. Thank you Mom for being such a good Mom that you made me a better Mom.
*The other night at bedtime, I told Ev that I loved her and we would see each other in the morning, like I always do, she usually answers the same thing. That night however, she sighed big and drooped a bit and said "yes I will see YOU, but not my (big inhale, extended exhale) Grand.....parents......." droop, sigh, flop, sigh, sad expression.
*The love of Link continues and has actually intensified since the making of "The Costume". Now she locks herself in her room so that she can kiss her Link posters with no one the wiser (except me, I always know, mwah hah hah). Too cute.
* Evelyn still has a few idiosyncrasies to her speech. I am dreading the boring old day when she has it all figured out but for now we still enjoy those quirks. For instance:
belt seat = seat belt
measure tape = tape measure
black = white
white = black
tall or too big = small or too little and vice versa
cartoon = tattoo
see ya later calculater=se you later alligator
There are others that are much cuter but wouldn't you know, I can't remember them right now.
* We have just gone through and come out the other side of what you might call a rough patch. Several things converged on Evelyn at once to make what Les and I call, The Perfect Storm of Four Years Old. Overnight she was like this GIRL and not a toddler or in an in-between phase. A little girl that wanted more Independence and responsibility and her parents were about three stages behind her. Leslie and I had fallen into this pattern of being more strict than we needed to be , just because we got a bit lazy and Evelyn had had enough. THEN apparently she was going through some adoption issues internally and she was playing out all of that negativity with ME. I won't bore you with the details of how each of these things occurred to us and how we have tried to fix them, let's just say that we are now chuggin' along okay and Evelyn is a more improved version of herself.
* I want to thank my Mom for loving Evelyn like she does. My Mom loves Evelyn with a ferocity and deep running strength that truly rivals my own. Since the minute that Mom laid eyes on Evelyn and seen us together as a family, she has been advocating for a more relaxed attitude when it comes to how we deal with Ev. She has faced me down time after time and I have to say, she was right. Thank you Mom for being such a good Mom that you made me a better Mom.
*The other night at bedtime, I told Ev that I loved her and we would see each other in the morning, like I always do, she usually answers the same thing. That night however, she sighed big and drooped a bit and said "yes I will see YOU, but not my (big inhale, extended exhale) Grand.....parents......." droop, sigh, flop, sigh, sad expression.
*The love of Link continues and has actually intensified since the making of "The Costume". Now she locks herself in her room so that she can kiss her Link posters with no one the wiser (except me, I always know, mwah hah hah). Too cute.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The Columbus Zoo
Last Friday, my sister and I took Evelyn and Brevin to the Columbus Zoo. It was the third time Ev was at a zoo but, Brevin's first time. I would say that the kids had a great time. We started out at the petting barn and watching Brevin shy away from the goats was pretty funny, meanwhile his diminutive cousin charged right in and was talking to all of them and fussing over them. It didn't take The Caveman too long to warm up and after that, ALL DAY, he wanted to pet and hold every animal that we saw.
We had a train ride, a carousel ride and about a half an hour where we let them run wild at a little play ground. The animals made a pretty good showing too, we saw all of the big cats (every one was asleep but the Bobcat, but that's cats for ya) . The big hit for Brevin was the Moose; Melissa and I are wondering why because, from what we could tell, he didn't even see them, but he kept talking about them excitedly, so what do we know. The big hit for Evelyn was the Flying Foxes- that's my girl, go for the bats every time. A mutual favorite was the monkeys, in one cage there was a month old tiny monkey that pretty much made the day for all of us, it was hard to tear the kids away. The two kids held hands when they were out of the strollers and walking and they had lots of funny conversations throughout the day. Then the best part? Napping in the car on the way home! I hope they remember this day , I know that I will. It was one of those perfect days.
We had a train ride, a carousel ride and about a half an hour where we let them run wild at a little play ground. The animals made a pretty good showing too, we saw all of the big cats (every one was asleep but the Bobcat, but that's cats for ya) . The big hit for Brevin was the Moose; Melissa and I are wondering why because, from what we could tell, he didn't even see them, but he kept talking about them excitedly, so what do we know. The big hit for Evelyn was the Flying Foxes- that's my girl, go for the bats every time. A mutual favorite was the monkeys, in one cage there was a month old tiny monkey that pretty much made the day for all of us, it was hard to tear the kids away. The two kids held hands when they were out of the strollers and walking and they had lots of funny conversations throughout the day. Then the best part? Napping in the car on the way home! I hope they remember this day , I know that I will. It was one of those perfect days.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
WHEW!!!!
I'm baaack. So. Okay. We got the virus thing under control and then the next day? The power went out- for SIX days. Needless to say I was fuming over the power situation. However the evenings were kind of nice, candles and lanterns, conversation and crafting by lantern light, not bad really. I was just a bit miffed about all of my food going bad and the lack of a vacuum cleaner or sewing machine for awhile.
We have been staying busy too. There has been trips to Grandma's, trips to the Columbus Zoo, Halloween crafts, walks, playing and LOTS of eating out.
This past weekend, we went to Grandma's house and we were met there by Nonnie (my Aunt Tanya), and she orchestrated the creation of Evelyn's Link costume for Halloween. I have to say that I have NEVER seen that child as happy as when she donned her Link togs and realized she looked like HIM. She actually blushed, in all her life, I have never EVER seen her blush. I want to post some pictures but I don't want to spoil the efect of the Halloween cards we will be sending out, suffice it to say that this is the best costume ever. We have gauntlets, and baldricks, pouches, boots, tights and oh my do we have a hat. (I will post a close up of her extreme smile while she was in her costume for the forst time).
My birthday was Sunday, and though Les was on duty, my parents and sisiter made sure that I had a special day. And presents.
So we are back in blog action and I will post more later, but today, it's time to go teach Ev how to play hop-scotch.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Technical Difficulties
My computer has a virus. (insert the sound of me screaming madly and loosing my mind). I'll be back blogging when we get it fixed, which looks to be about 2 or 3 weeks from now. We have to get an external hard-drive and transfer all of our pictures and such, then "wipe" the computer and see what we get.
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