Time For Bean To Disco

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The Smokewood Gang Does Disco....

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Gobble Gobble

This is one little turkey that hopes you have a great day. She wants your tummies to be full of turkey and pie and the kitchen fairies to come in and clean up your kitchen while you sit on your couch, all fat and happy. Okay, that's what I want for myself, Ev just wants to go play with some cousins and talk Star Wars. So, yes, have a Happy Thanksgiving one and all!!! We tried to get Ev talking tonight about some things that she was thankful for, she mentioned her bike and her wagon- isn't it wonderful to be four?

Smokewood Gang? Hello? There will be dire consequences if there is no more Pecan Pie when we arrive. I can't really say what will happen but it will be ugly and , oh so painful. So do yourselves a favor and use a little self restraint in the Pie Dept. - or else. I mean it, I am wearing my "I am so serious and I won't like it but I will hurt you" face, as I type this.

Really.

Really.

It will be as if the Hounds of Hell have been released upon you.

WE WANTS MOAR PIE!!!!! (I think you get the picture)

Beautiful Girl

Widjes, Aldadaydurrs and Muhndeez

We were at Grandma's house this past Sunday. Really this trip was all about yours truly getting to see Twilight and Daniel Craig (oh I know it was a Bond film but I have to say I really did not notice the plot too much because of Daniels ass mostly). However, Brevin and Evelyn managed to have some super cuteness that I got to document on film. These two have been in a rough patch lately- fighting cousins all of the way- it was getting very old and anxiety inducing to say the least. It seems on Sunday though, we just had one of those days where they both clicked and there was just playing and imagining. This clip will show a bit of the round and round running and yelling that was taking place in my parent's living room as the kids ran from ....um a witch, alligators and a monkey?( I understand the witch and the monkeys, they had just watched the Wizard of Oz - but the alligators???) yeah, that's what they say. For whatever reason, Evelyn felt it was of the most dire need to save that empty paper towel roll from the Triad Of Evil as well. Later they were running with a pair of boots and a pair of slippers (dippers as Brev calls 'em)....so, you know. They had so much fun and they were sweaty and breathless long before they quit. Oh yeah this was 10 p.m. !!!!!!!! What wonderful parents we are.
I love the way my nephew talks by the way, all full of d's and ummm's and thinking, I imitate his speech all of the time, it's really really fun to do that but, Melissa thinks I am being mean and my Mom will slap the poo outta me if she can reach me when I do it. I can't help it, it all just sounds so cute. That's my Dad back there, laughing at the kids.

Not much happening....

• Evelyn DID end up with a stiff and sore neck for two days but now she's back in fine form.
• My parents drove up for the afternoon/evening on Wed. and Ev got some much needed face time with two of her favorite people.
• I am a hormonal mess. I am in full on self hate mode and then a pair jeans I wear alot, had a blow out in the knee (with the crotch not far behind) and that forced me to go out jean shopping!!!! The only thing worse than trying on bathing suits is trying on jeans or torture, like with blowtorches and toothpicks under the nails..... really.
• On Sunday, if all goes well, I will get to go to the movie theater twice (once with my Mom and then again with Les). I will get to see Twilight and Quantum of Solace. I am actually wondering of my cortex can handle so much hawtness in one day but if my head does explode- whatta way ta go. Let me sum up- Edward the Vampire AND Daniel Craig-oh meee oh myyy.
• Evelyn's new found love of snow continues. I have to dress her warmly and turn her out everyday so she can tromp around in it. She calls it "Snow Crunching" and I think that she considers it a Community Service.
• While shopping for jeans for myself (I didn't buy any) I had to distract myself with looking at Seasonal Dresses for The Bean. We got two of the cutest party dresses that I have ever seen. One is for Christmas and then another one was bought for New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day and her Birthday. Oh yeah, I feel very lucky to have found one dress for those three days and it was only $15- gotta love Marshall's.
• Last week while out looking for, what I call "quality" furniture pieces for the house ( this place is called the Miscellaneous Barn and it's chock full of that "is this junk or antique" category that I love)- I came across the perfect big girl bed for Ev. It's a metal headboard and frame that's painted a cute green and it's from the 1930's- I love it. It's in great shape (original paint) and it's as sweet as anything and I got it for $59!!!! I can't wait to get her room all painted, the bed on place and her new quilt on it.....
• I finally got The office Season 4 in the mail from Netflix today and I am champing at the bit for Butter Bean's bedtime so I can sit down and laugh, laugh, laugh.
• I noticed the other night that there is no more baby fat left on Bean's wrists. My heart broke.
• Evelyn has decided that she still does not want to grow. She said to me "Mama, water makes plants grow right?", I distractedly said "well yeah" she said " I thought so. That's why I am NOT drinking anymore water, I do not want to grow anymore, because if water makes plants grown than it makes me grow too. I will be your Butter Bean for ever and I won't drink water" I sort of just, well, looked at her and well....looked at her. I had no idea what to say.

E.R. Visit or Evelyn Punks Mama Out

SO this morning. okay it wasn't really the morning...it was just before 11am. (now I have no idea what I did to deserve this sleeping in until 11am but I wasn't arguing when I rolled over and it was 9:30 and Ev's room was quiet, I just understood the luck of such a thing happening and went back to sleep) hum hum
Like I was saying, this morning, Evelyn starts sighing and rolling in her room. I could hear it over the monitor. Then I heard a "BAM!" "AGGGHHHH MMMMAAAMMMAAAA IIIIIII NEEEEEDD YOUUUU!!!!!!!!" "MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAA" I jumped out of bed and nearly killed myself getting to her. In the space of 12 steps, I tripped twice, stubbed a toe and ran into a door frame. I get there and she is laying flat on her back, clutching the back/left side of her head/neck. She is crying and moaning. I asked what happened and she told me that she hit her neck on her bed. I tried to touch her to check her out. That was a bad idea. She screamed and cried some more. I just sat there like a lump for a minute, waiting for her to calm down enough for me to look her over. When I could, I saw a red mark on her left neck, no lump, no blood. She seemed calm but she still wouldn't turn her head on her own. I knew that she didn't have a concussion or anything but I was worried about her neck. I called Les to see where we have listed to go to for a Pediatrician. He said "hell no take her to the E.R.", now I am a nurse. This does not seem to matter when Ev is hurt, really hurt. PLUS she was doing this weird "I refuse to move and you must move me as a single unit if you do the moving or else I will cry and scream", so I decided that Les was right. I gave her some Motrin and since she wasn't vomiting or loosing consciousness, I showered. Les met us here at the house and we went to the local Pediatric E.R. Nice visit. By the time Ev had some face time with Papa and the Motrin kicked in , she was her old sparkly self. Of course this did not happen until like 30 freaking seconds before the Doctor walked in. SO that was good.
Oh and let me say that by the time Les saw her, she was no longer crying or acting funny, just laying still and being quiet. So yeah. I looked like a punk. I don't care though. I want her to be safe. I think it was okay that I took her and I'm really, really glad that I look like a punk. Because in the end I usually do anyway-on a daily basis and this time it means that Ev wasn't hurt.
By the by, she thinks that this morning's trip to the hospital was a hoot. No bloodwork or anything nasty to take away from the fun of being a medically obsessed child in a hospital. I swear she would have taken the otoscope if she could have fit it down her pink fleece Santa p.j.'s

Plaid Dress

This is a plaid dress that we got form Aunt Jenny. As soon as Evelyn saw it, she wanted it on-had to have it on. I dressed her in it today with a pair of white tights and she has been twirling about ever since. She loves this dress and so do I. She looks so adorable in it that I can't hardly keep my hands off of her. She has been telling me of all the places that she would like to wear this dress. Here's her list
To a zoo
To Grandma's House
To an Aquarium
At Christmas
At Thanksgiving
To Papa's work
To Jodi's house
Maybe she could sleep in it?

By the Fire

To Evelyn

Dear Evelyn,

I have been doing alot of thinking about those days before you came into my life. Do you want to know how I got through to re-telling of all of that sadness for me? By listening to your play, either right here at my feet or off in your room. I could hear you dancing and singing and fussing at Billy Bones and I knew that you were here. My daughter. My special muffin head and that at least once in my life I did the right thing and got you in the bargain.

I love your little round face. I love the way that your eyes light up when you are teasing your Papa and me. I love that, even though in that picture up there, it looks like Billy is about to eat your face off, you are really good to your cat and you two play together quite a bit. I am proud of the way you act in public. I love hearing you fanatically counting things right now- you count everything. I loved that when I was reading your bedtime story last night, you just burst out and recited nearly the whole book from memory (you even did the funny voices the way that I do them). I love the way that your hair smells in the mornings. I love the way you look wearing hats. I love to watch you nod off to sleep in your car seat, even though you fight it so hard. I love to wait and listen, to find out what your daily musical selection will be. I love to hear you say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I love when you climb up on my lap to tell me a secret. I love that I can never do the smallest, insignificant change around the house without you noticing. I love that, the other day you got your doll stuff out and decided that Baby's clothes were a mess, so you spent 20 minutes folding and organizing her things. I love that you can really and actually help me put groceries away. But, what is most in my mind as I watch you play and hear you singing along to your music and I answer your 50 gajillion questions? What is making my heart ache in the nicest way today?

The way that your sleepy face lit up with an interior magic and I saw possibilities blossom in your mind when I woke you up last night in the middle of the night to show you the snow. I got your warm sleepy body up and held it close to me and waited while you shook off your dreams and then I whispered " Evelyn sometimes the best magic happens when you sleep." I pulled up you window blinds slowly to show you the snow falling. It was falling in big white chunks that drifted lazily down. When you went to bed we just had our regular street out there but by this time, everything was covered in beautiful, sparkling whiteness. You saw that, and after you got done worrying about if the garbage men would take the garbage this morning if the cans were covered in snow. After you completed your initial, practical survey, you got real quiet and looked and looked. And then the best, slowest , sweetest, most secret smile lit your face up. Your Papa was right there with us and he watched , not the snow, or me, but you, and all that you revealed to us in that moment.

You are our dream Evelyn.

We are lucky to have you.

Love,

Mama

The Story: Part 3 North to Alaska

When Leslie first joined the Coast Guard, I told him that it was fine with me but there were three places I did not EVER want to live in. My list went like this :
1 New York
2 Alaska
3 Guam
Our second duty station was New York. So when Leslie came home from work one day and talked of being transferred, I laughed and said it better not be to Alaska. I mean, I had all that I could handle at that point, I was in complete turmoil and my heart was broken, I couldn't even think of moving there.
Leslie went to a meeting with the Detailer.
Leslie called me on the phone.
Leslie said I should drive to the station and talk with him.
Leslie nearly died that night.
Yes, we got word, we were headed to Alaska, number 2 on my list of places I NEVER wanted to live. You gotta love Military Life.
It got worse though. We were headed to Alaska but then Leslie would be leaving for SIX FREAKING MONTHS to go with the crew to get a new boat. In Wisconsin and then they would have to pilot that damn thing all of the way around the world to get it back to it's home port.
I think what helped me go along with this was the numbness. The complete numbness. I was grieving but I had no idea for who or what really and I had no idea HOW to do it.
So, we moved.
One day I had that single round of AI. Three days later I was in an airplane for the first time in my life-moving to Alaska.
One of my very first tasks there in Homer was to get a Doctor's appointment and confirm with blood work the negative pregnancy test. I learned at that Doctor's visit that the AI didn't take. I wasn't pregnant. I also learned that the nearest Fertility Clinic was four hours away in Anchorage. I learned that I couldn't even get an appointment there before Leslie headed off on travels for the CG. I learned essentially, that I was up a shit creek and never had a paddle-fertility wise. Then, finally then, I could figure out was I was grieving for. I lost a baby. Not just any baby- all of my babies. All of those beautiful dream babies with dark brown hair and eyes and curls. Every single chance was gone. I was lost.
Leslie and I limped our way through as best we could. His 6 month trip wasn't to start for a few months but he did have many schools and pre-trips to Wisconsin during this time.
Our move to Alaska was in October of 2002. I was about to experience my first Alaskan Winter-alone and hopeless.
I didn't get a job for awhile. I couldn't. I could hardly manage to feed myself after Leslie left. I took out a pen and I marked a day on the calendar, I think it was around six weeks from the day that Leslie left. I used every minute of those 6 weeks to grieve, that was my plan. I did nothing else that I can remember. Oh yes, I remember. I fell in love. With Alaska. With Homer. With the people I was being forced (due to the small population) to talk to. With the way that you could smell the glaciers in the air. With the way the sky would bunch up with gray clouds that marched out across the bay.
Eventually my six weeks came due and I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and I decide that it was time to get a shimmy on. I got a job. I got friends. I got a plan.
Even when I was little, I would tell my Mom that I wanted a Chinese daughter. Adoption was mentioned to me very early in this time and I fully believe that it was for a reason. I started thinking about adoption.
One night at work- I worked as an R.N. at Homer's only hospital by then. A small hospital staffed by the best nurses and people that I have ever worked with. So, yes, one night at work I cornered our Social Worker and started to ask her about adoption. She gave me some info and I went to work educating myself. I did not like what I learned of domestic adoption. Leslie and I talked and we talked. He was immediately on the bandwagon to adopt. He never hesitated, he has never looked back. It was very clear to us that we would do this, that we would adopt, we just had to figure it out.
How?
Where?
How much?
Girl?
Boy?
Black?
White?
Asian?
When?
I had my work cut out for me.

The Story: Part 2 Darkness Falls

We went home after that weekend and started trying for a baby. We tried and we tried and we tried. I mentioned to one of my co-workers that we were trying and she asked me how long we had been trying, I drew a blank, I honestly did not know. So, I went home and got the calendar out and Leslie and I realized that it had been a year. A whole year! I am not sure where my mind was at this time, why hadn't I realized that a year had gone by? Leslie was working the 2 on, 2 off rotation and I was working a whole bunch and when we weren't working we were going into NYC for day trips, or hanging out at Jone's Beach or some other nonsense to keep busy. I went back to work and talked with my friend. She suggested that even with Leslie's 2 on 2 off rotation, we surely should have seen some progress after a year.
After all of these years I can still see her face and I know her story but that friend's name has drained right out of my head. I remember many talks with her during these days and the days to come. You see, she had been pregnant with her first child when she got into a car wreck. The wreck was so violent that it nearly killed her. It did take her baby's life and with it, every chance that she could ever get pregnant again. So she adopted. She talked openly and lovingly about her adoptions and how much they meant to her and that after she healed, she realized that it was going to be pretty cool to get children through adoption.
Well, at some point I went out and spent a whole lot of money on one of the Ovulation Predictor sets. I used that thing faithfully for another 5 or 6 months and the meter never showed an ovulation cycle. NEVER. I knew then, that all my worst fears were coming true. I had never had a "normal" cycle, ever. Not even when I was 16 was it ever regular or easy. I had terrible pain with my periods for years. I took this new and heart faltering information to my GP, I wasn't even done talking before she had a referral written out for me. A referral for a "Fertility Specialist". I went out to my car and I sat there, in shock and fear. I had no idea what to do next. I had no idea what to tell Leslie. I just started to shut down and loose further track of things. Maybe I was being dramatic, maybe I was jumping the gun on grieving but, I have to say that sometimes a person just knows what is lying ahead of them. I had not at this point talked with my family about this. I may have mentioned something in passing to my mother or sister but no real commitments , I had wanted everyone to be so taken with surprise when I told them I was pregnant. Now, here I was with this referral in my hands and a huge wail growing in my heart and I had no idea how to talk to them about it.
Leslie and I talked. And talked. At first he wanted to deny where we were with this, that was hard. Then we had to talk about how much we wanted kids, how hard were we going to fight? I have never been a huge proponent for Fertility Treatments, I would much rather see families made trough adoption, that was always my take (as a matter of fact my cheeky stance on the subject got me into some hot water in Nursing School). We knew though, or decided that we would have to at least figure out what the problem was. Down the Black Hole we went.
After some simple bloodwork and an ultrasound for me, the Dr knew that I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and things did not look good. After a surgery, it was discovered that I also had endometriosis and , what I like to call "crappy fallopian tubes" So while Leslie was perfectly fine with " extremely mobile, strong and numerous"..... you know what- I was a Trifecta of Pain.
I can not describe those days clearly. I can not remember them. I have no idea how I went to work, or ate, or cooked. I have no idea how I maintained radio silence over this with my family. I had that surgery and no one knew but my sister and then I only told her the most basic , need to know stuff and not much follow up. I do however, clearly remember the grief, the sobbing as Leslie drove us home along the L.I.E., the way it felt when the Doctor looked at me and said "zero chance". I was deep in grief for awhile, and during this grief we decided to try a round of AI (artificial insemination) with drugs taken to force my body to develop a mature egg and ovulate.

That was awful. Daily blood work. Pills. Shots. Little hope. Knowing that I didn't really want to start my family like this with me in an undignified position in an OB chair and Leslie way down in the waiting room. There was no love, no mutual-ness. Nothing, just medical procedure. I hated it. We decided that once would be enough, no matter what. We would do something else.
That was good because the Coast Guard was calling and we were about to move. A long, long way away.......

The Story: Part 1 Let's Do this

It was the summer of 2000. Leslie and I were a young couple on our own on Long Island. We had friends, family and two cats. We had a cute little place in the Navy Housing in East Meadow (there were no meadows). We were happy. Except.....well.....
We travelled to a NY lake and spent some time at a lakeside cabin with two of our great friends and their two kids. It was a fantastic weekend that I will probably always remember, it was so relaxed and easy between us all. Even though, Jimmy, the youngest (I think he was around 1 at the time) wasn't quite feeling well and was cranky and not his usual cherubic self, it was good and I started to realize that I wanted that "family" thing for Leslie and I. I know that we had conversations about having kids before this point, I just don't remember them. They probably went like this, one of us "hey, are we gonna have kids?", then the other would say "yeah that would be great but not right yet" and we were cool with that. This particular trip though as we watched Jim and MaryAnne parent their kids and have so much joy in them we both realized that we were ready. We wanted them.
I still remember how it went down. We were both sunburned and sleepy after a morning of swimming and boating. A good lunch in our tummies, we headed off to while away some time in a big two man hammock that was strung up between two big trees. We lay there, talking and laughing over the things that the kids had been doing. And, we sort of both said, "Hey why not us? Let's do this." It was a particularly happy moment in my life. I still have a picture that Jim or MaryAnne snapped of us, just as we finished saying that to each other, it's a great picture and my face in it, is glowing and my smile nearly jumps out at you.
I realize now that had we spent that weekend alone or with another family, we would not have come to that conclusion when we did. I know that it was watching Jim's undisguised love and enjoyment of his kids that made Les think that he could have the same thing. I know that it was Brianna joking about "stinky ducks" with Les that helped him see there was so much more to kids than he had realized. I know that watching them be frustrated with Jimmy but still loving him and finding fun with him, made me see that it would be difficult but do-able to be a mother. I know that it was some of our conversations with Jim and MaryAnne that weekend that made us realize we had alot to talk about but, we could, and would be parents.
We just thought it would be sooner rather than later.......

Supercalafragalisticexpialidocious

Snohio

We here in the Land of Cleve, just had our first snow. It was nothing spectacular, just the roof tops covered with white dust and a few sparse piles of the white stuff on the ground (mostly over top of our, as of yet, unraked leaves). Evelyn stood at the window all morning looking at it and watching some blow around. I had to answer many questions about the logistics of snow, how much would we get, that there should be ALOT on the ground at Christmas, that she wants the snow to last and last and never go away. I was surprised by all of this because the first (and only) two times that she has experienced snow before now, left me feeling as if snow were her natural mortal enemy. I mean she hated the stuff. She would just get generally weasel-ey and whiny and maggoty when confronted with plain outdoors cold- never mind the personality alterations that would take place when her body came into contact with snow. ( I think the one time her face actually turned inside out and she spoke backwards). To see her excited about the snow left me feeling that we may live through this first Ohio winter. I thought I would test my theory and we headed outside to check things out this afternoon. She loved it!!! She ate it, she tromped it down, she threw it, she gathered some to store in the freezer for summer. Really I want to know who this snow/cold loving girl is. Though she did spend the first 10 minutes out there with no coat or hat or gloves- she just could not believe that she would need them and I didn't want to start things off with a power struggle so I just let her go until she was cold and then she happily layered up. In her defense we were out raking in t-shirts and sweating just 3 days ago. So, it snowed and The Dillon Three couldn't be happier.

You may notice that the pictures have slowed down a bit on the blog, I am trying to have a balance of normal no picture taking play and family time with well, the camera around all of the time. Every once in awhile I can tell that Ev is getting a bit tired of having the camera in her face and I back off for awhile.

Movie Time

On Saturday, my sister and I decided to take the kids to see Madagascar 2. Now they both just watched the first one at my house not too long ago and they still remembered the characters and such so I knew Ev would settle down and watch the flick....

Let me backtrack a bit, for the longest time, Evelyn was scared to death of tv- anything on tv and we have systematically desensitized her. Not because I think that having a kid adapted to loads of tv watching is good but because it was a crippling fear and I DARE you to try and take your kid anywhere and not see a tv. So now we have a low to moderate tv viewing child that can finally handle a movie theater.

So here we were at the theater and Ev was going to handle the movie okay , it was just the previews that were the wild card It's because I can never tell her exactly what we will see or how loud it will be. She needs to feel like she can get away if she needs to , so we came up with the coat over the head technique. I think it worked pretty good.

The movie was entertaining enough that I didn't have to resort to rubbing salt in my eyes as a distraction (Angelina Ballerina shows make me want to do that , there are a few others as well but they don't get more than one viewing) and Evelyn laughed out loud a couple of times. She has been sleeping with the movie ticket stubs so I think she enjoyed herself.

Bullets

• I have been thinking about doing a several post telling of why, and how, and some of the things in between, of our long road to Evelyn. Then I realized that November is National Adoption Awareness Month and I thought it might be a good time to get things written down. I am pulling the thoughts and dates together in my head and will start in a day or so.
• Leslie has has a schedule change. For the first time in his Coast Guard career, he is not standing duty. He used to have to work 2 days on then had 2 days off with sliding 3 day weekends. Now he just "Day Works", he goes in at 8 am and is home by 5 pm. It's so wonderful to have him home every night.
• We three raked, and raked, and swept the leaves out of our yard yesterday and I awoke this morning to see the entire yard re-covered in leaves!!! AGGGHHH!!!! I can hardly lift my arms today so I guess they will have to wait a day or two. Or maybe I will just wait until the giant oak that stands over my back yard is all bare and done shedding.
• We had a fire in the fireplace last night. For the first time, Billy Bones got brave enough to get close and I think he will reside permanently in front of the fireplace either waiting for a fire or sucking up all of the heat.
• Leslie and I have been doing alot of work changing some of our parenting techniques and I think that they are paying off. It's heartening to see. Though Ev was a corker at the grocery store yesterday and I wanted to stop right in the middle and leave because I was loosing my mind. Really, how can I concentrate on Granola Bars and their price and what flavors we want if I have to stop in the middle of the aisle to explain in intricate detail, the mystery of shaving cream?!?! (NO I have no idea why the granola bars were next to the shaving creams).
• Evelyn had her Mandarin book out yesterday and she kept running up to me and telling me things out of the book. This was in front of our next door neighbor and I know that she (the neighbor) was floored. I couldn't tell if it was from the cuteness, the fact that Ev speaks a little Mandarin (taught by us- not remembered), or the sound of Mandarin on the suburban streets of Cleveland.
• Evelyn has been marching around announcing that she can not wait for Valentine's Day. I think that's her favorite and I am not sure why. There is candy, but not like Halloween and only small token gifts, not like Christmas. I dunno, maybe it's all the red and pink.
• Leslie went and picked up the cool a$$ Christmas present so that is home with no worries and I can now sleep at night( it's actually stored in Jodi's garage-thanks Jodi). I originally thought that we could set it up in the basement and then move it out back in the spring but, that's not going to work. So I guess she will get either a cool winter cottage or a super duper Birthday gift- we'll see. Either way, I couldn't pass it up.
• My Mom is in New York City - right now. I hope that she is having a blast! She is there with some friends from work, with no husband or kids or grand kids. Remember Mom, what happens in The Big Apple- stays in The Big Apple.

Today

Today I stood at the front of our home, I was taking a breather from raking leaves and cleaning up the front yard. Evelyn was there with me, running around and doing her thing. I stood there for a moment feeling my arms ache nicely and I watched that little girl. She was dressed in a navy blue short sleeve dress with a red shirt underneath and red tights with black Mary Jane's. She had a bright orange bucket in one hand swinging it back and forth as she walked. I stood there mesmerized by the sight of her. The sunlight was slanting down our street, filtered through the autumn leaves that remain on the trees, so the light was golden and streaked. The sidewalk was a patchwork of golds, oranges, reds and browns where the leaves on the ground made irregular shapes of color. My tiny, brown haired girl walked along, singing, swinging her bucket and scuffling her feet to make crisp swishing sounds. I watched her stopping to inspect interesting things and occasionally toss something into that orange bucket, a dry leaf here, an abandoned mum there. I could hear snatches of her song though the swish swish of the leaves. I could see the sunlight shining off of her dark hair. I have never seen anything more beautiful in my life. I imagine that if I lived for a thousand years there would be nothing to rival the sight of that wonderfully open and curious girl as she walked down the street as the autumnal world was revealing itself to her. I stood there transfixed to that spot and I finally understood the sheer magnitude of the responsibility of being her mother- I have to try and keep her spirit as open and honest and hopeful as it is right now. Those few moments on a suburban sidewalk held more epiphany than any moment that I have ever had looking at art or in a church or in nature- anywhere. I could see my daughter clearly. And she is divine.

Some Fun

On Tuesday Melissa and Brevin were here to spend some time with us. We decided to take the kids into the city for a day at The Children's Museum. Now I am all for kids places and such but the fact that they call it the Children's MUSEUM is a bit much for me, it's more like an indoor playground. No matter, the midgets had loads of fun. I wonder if it says something about my sister and I that we were the only Moms there encouraging their kids to slide down the slide using the stuffed animals as a "slide helper"?- (they helped the kids go faster and fly further off the end). I mean are we nuts or do we just understand what it takes to slide like demons? I dunno- you decide. By the way no injuries were sustained.

So the kids ran amok and we sat and listened to the chaos and laughed at the things Ev and Brev say to each other- they are too much. As always the favorite was the "grocery store" and Lissa and I sort of sat around the corner and stayed out of view of the kids, because I didn't want to get stuck checking every kid in the place out fifity times and replacing the plastic steaks and sauasage links a gajillion times. (I have a feeling that I must be a horrible mother, though I'm not sure because I do play a hell of alot of Candyland).

When we got home, I tried to get some cute pics of the kids playing in the leaves but they were tired and troll-ish and were uncooperative to say the least. I did get 2 cute ones with them sitting on a haybale but I had to threaten to remove all traces of candy FROM THE UNIVERSE to get those.

New President

What can I say here that isn't being said by hopeful and happy people around the world today? Not much I guess.
I just know that for the first time- ever I feel as if we as a country, have done something right.
I cried last night.
It was the second time in my 35 years that an election has made me do so. The first time that I cried was when Jimmy Carter lost his second term. I was young. I loved him. I was worried that he wouldn't be able to buy groceries or have a place to live.
Last night I cried because I wanted so badly for this country to turn out and vote and make their voices heard and we did.
I know that Obama is just a man and that he won't be able to fix everything. For me this election was about choosing a REAL person, and a person who MAKES SENSE when he speaks.
I was so happy to tell Evelyn this morning that Whoa-bamma (as she calls him) is going to be our President. I am anxious to see how things will go from here.

Prince Charming versus Princess Anybody

Evelyn has been handling movies and tv quite well lately. She has watched Hocus Pocus a number of times and she can handle the goblins and level bosses in Zelda so I thought I would try to find other movies that she was interested in. This means delving into the world of Disney-partially.
I have been loathe to do this because well, those Princesses can be a bit much. And lets face it, they never come from "healthy" families and it's all a nightmare from a feminist perspective. I should not have worried.
We have just watched Sleeping Beauty. Evelyn loved it. She's all about the Prince. Not, as in " I love him I want him to be mine I have a crush on him". As in, " hey Mama he has a cool shield and where did he get that sword. I like his horse. " Then if Prince Phillip was not onscreen, I had to answer a gazillion questions about where he was and what he was doing. I am not sure that she even realized there was a Princess.

Disclaimer: I am not trying to be righteous or anything about the Disney Princesses or Princesses in general. I think it's okay for little girls to watch them and have fun with whatever aspect they want to take away from them. I just think that when you watch them as an adult female , inside you are going " what the hell?!?!?!" Take for instance Princess Aurora. She is given three gifts by her Fairy Godmothers- beauty, song and that she has to lay passively by in a sleep until her man bestows a kiss. Hum. Then she is spirited away to the forest to pick berries and "grow up" all the while maintaining her innocence and ignorance. Meanwhile Phillip is in the world getting educated and dashing about having adventures. Then when the plot really starts, she still just gets shoved off to the side and everyone around her does the work and she just gets to look good and sleep in a beautifully appointed bed chamber. I think that she has about 4 real lines in the whole thing. Even so, I really think it's alright to let your daughter watch these- in moderation as long you balance it our with a little Sarah Conner ( a la Terminator) when she's old enough. Or as long as she gets to watch Buffy kick some bootay. Or hell, Princess Leia. You know what I mean?
Right now though, Ev picks up on the adventuring, dragon slaying Prince and wants to be like him.
Good for her. I'm okay with that.

And let me just say if there are three fairy godmothers out there reading this and they want to bestow three gifts on me, here is my wish list
1 The thighs and ass I had when I was 20 - eternally
2 The ability to work at my Nursing Career and have as much time with Ev that I want
3 Higher income bracket

Cool A$% Christmas Present

Jodi and Evelyn and I were at Sam's Club tonight and I did not intend to spend a dime. However I was lured by the giant jar of pickles and the metric ton of cheap cat litter. THEN, OH Then did mine eyes see this
http://www.by-leisure.com/InventoryD.asp?loc=SSM&item_no=1150

And it just had to be bought. Now let me say, I got this at a huge, huge clearance price and did not pay that exorbitant listed price on the website. I could never have gotten it unless it was on a great sale. I could not bring it home though and we will have to wait until Wed to go get it, until then I will be completely freaked out that for some reason we won't get it. They only had 5 left and are not getting anymore this year. SO I hope that it is waiting at the front of the store and they don't sell mine twice and once to someone who could take it home right then. Oh if we miss this because I couldn't get it home alone I will be ummmm, put out- to say the least.
This is such a big deal for me because every time that Ev sees one of these playhouses, she wants one. Bad. Real Bad. Like squirm in the cart and sigh and wish and dream bad. This one seems small enough to fit in out microscopic yard and it's not plastic. YAY!!!!!!! This will certainly make me the best Mama ever (poo, I just realized that Santa may get the credit)well, no matter she should be happy happy happy.

Shorty

This is how we had Evelyn bundled up on our way to Vote. It was a bit chilly in the Land of Cleve that day so I wanted her to be comfortable. There she was being strolled about and all snuggled up, talking and giggling all the while. As we were entering the Board of Elections, this older gentleman looked at Ev, laughed and said " It's your world shorty!". Ha! It was too funny- we've been saying that to her ever since.

Um- One more thing

Billy Bones had a costume too.

Halloween Final

Well, we really used the month of October for Halloween purposes, I must say. Last night was the final trick or treat, the final she-bang and now we're all wrapped up.

Last night Aunt Jenny came over with Kate and Aden, we talked, they played, everyone ate and then we went on Ev's last candy acquisition of 2008. Eventually Jodi even made it. After trick or treat, Les built a fire in the fireplace and we adults sat and watched in amazement at the amount of candy Aden put away- it was a thing to behold.

After everyone left, Les and I scrambled around and gathered up all of the decorations and piled them up for storage until next year. I do love Halloween but I was okay to see it end this year. I feel like we really got our money's worth.