Tucked In

Not too much exciting going on here. We are all tucked in from the snow and cold. Making cookies, lasagna and sugar plums. Our tree glows happily in the evenings as we sit around and read stories and munch on all of the cookies we baked during the day. Shopping is done. Presents are wrapped. It's just time to sit back and enjoy the holiday.

I have things on my mind that eventually I want to write about.

I have some things on my plate that I am hoping will come to fruition (not a baby- not yet).

I have moments that I want to live and store up in my heart this Christmas.

I have just a few more Christmases with Ev like this, bright eyed with wonder, full of belief, giggly and so full of excitement for the season that she can hardly sleep at night. I could just about eat her up with a spoon.

So the blogging may slow down a bit, so I can savor these moments and just be. Just. Be. With. My. Family.

Movie Review- Ponyo

Last night we took The Bean out to see a movie- at the dollar theater. I thought that we would try Ponyo. Leslie and I are huge fans of Studio Gibli and Miyazaki so I knew that one way or another this would be a success. If you have never watched one of these films, like Kiki's Delivery Service, My Neighbor Totoro, Spirited Away- and you have kids- you really should. Miyazaki makes these crazy little Japanamation movies that are sublimely strange and iridescent and full of these odd characters and moments. I just love them but they are not your Disney or Pixar fare- you have to just go along with the story and the very Japanese feel of these.

I was expecting a wacky little film about a fish falling in love. What we got was a quirky little story about family and love and choosing to be there for the people in your life. Full of Miyazaki's general weirdness (good weird not bad weird) and terrific animation. The movie starts out with this man (looks like a witch at first but turns out to be a wizard) under the sea in a very Jules Verne-ian like submarine sort of communing with the sea. Then we see Ponyo, a little girl goldfish with a quasi human face. Ponyo falls asleep on top of a jelly fish and floats up out of her Father's realm. She ends up in a coastal town, trapped in a glass jar that is part of the pollution the humans have created. She is saved by a boy.

It's the boy who names her Ponyo and he takes care of her and loves her - until her Father takes her back to the deep ocean. Ponyo loves the boy and wants to be human. This is where you find out that she is magic and has a Goddess for a Mother. Ponyo causes a bit of magical mayhem and turns herself into a little girl and runs away on the backs of huge ocean fish to be with the boy. Eventually the children are tested to see if they want to be together and the boy's mother, reaches up to the Goddess and promises to take care of Ponyo.

This was a wonderful movie- filled with very real and loving family moments. There was some translation issues with it though, it was advertised as a sort of "love story" and it was that but not love love- family love. Ponyo just wants to be with this family, she wants to be like them, experience her life with them. They all choose each other. There is the scene when they have to choose each other and the boy says "oh yes I know it's a big responsibility but I love her and I will help take care of her"

I try not to make every thing we experience about adoption. But it was sort of hard to ignore the implications in this movie. I loved that Ponyo made the choice. I love that there was a promise between the two Mothers. I loved that the boy always recognized the similarity in himself and that crazy little fish. I loved that these things were there but not shoved down your throat. Most of all I loved that Ev loved it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bskgNOXbdiE

Dirty Crooked Holiday Retreat

http://moreofus.shutterfly.com/

That link above is what you want to click on if you want to go take a look at the 144 unedited pictures from our big family Christmas trip.
Last Friday the three of us packed up and went to Grandma's house. There we started cooking for the weekend, almost got a baby (see previous post), decorated Grandma's Christmas tree, watched Polar Express and went to bed.
Saturday we all got up, showered and actually made it out of town before noon! We drove the 2 hours or so from my Mom's to Hocking Hills. We checked into our cabin which happened to be sitting on a hill and crooked. No really! Everything in that house was on a slant. If you set your drink on the kitchen table? You could plainly see that the liquid was not level- AND each room slanted different. Also we had to (hum hum) clean a bit. We sort of all decided to just go with it and not let it bother us and we had plenty of laughs about it. We ended up preferring our dirty slanty cabin to any of those "straight clean no personality things". Saturday evening we headed out to town only to discover that the Itarnets had lied. yes good people the Internet lies! Did you know this? We were promised "a quaint Christmas Village with shops and restaurants and ice skating" --- let's just say that was not the reality. Eventually we found a sandwich counter in a boot store - no that it not a joke. Sadly as this was the only eating establishment in town and there were only 3 employees who did not seem to grasp that we had a meeting with The Man In Red- we NEVER got our food. I hurriedly bought 2 small bags of chips and a muffin as Ev and Brev were nearly weeping with hunger (as were the rest of us).
We made the train though. Hungry or not. The kids went to the Depot to inquire if there were tickets for them and , so you know that Santa himself had left tickets for them!!!!! We piled onto the train where the kids inhaled the chips while the adults tried not to wrestle the damn things away form them and eat them in one big inhale.
Then the fun started Christmas music, audio excerpts form the movie. The train had a Hobo and there was hot chocolate and cookies and then , oh then there was Santa!!!! OH also each kiddo got a jingle bell that only rang for those of us who believe in Santa.
Brevin climbed right the hell up onto Santa's lap and he had a list ! He sat up there jabbering away. Evelyn? She did let me stand close to Santa and i had to deliver a carefully crafted message for him form her - but she did give him a high five.
Sunday we stayed at the cabin and ate and played games.
Monday we took a hike and came home.
Nothing earth shattering but, my what fun.
I realized that I am very lucky as I genuinely like and enjoy my family. They are funny and nice and take dirty crooked cabins with a grain of salt.
Some of my favorite moments:

The look on Ev's face when she realized that Santa left tickets and she was getting on that train.
Brevin saying "I believe I believe I believe in Santa Claus" to the jingle bell guy.
Brevin loosing his mind and wanting to touch the Hobo but not daring to.
When my Mom slapped the ess haitch eye tee outta my Dad for a girlie joke.
Hearing Evelyn all giggly and excited over sleeping in a loft.
Walking with my Mom through the woods- just the two of us.
Trying to come up with secret foot signals with my sister so SOMEBODY could beat Les at Clue (he won).
Actually having my Dad at the table playing games with us all.
Just having that exact daughter, that specific husband and those very folks as my family to be with on such a fun trip.

I said all that to say this.....

Ok. I do have a post about our big trip to hocking Hills. It's coming. I am currently uploading the gajillion pictures, in the mean time, let's talk about something else.
Anybody want to read/hear about my latest in a string of what I like to call "Signs From God that We Are Supposed to Adopt and Everything Will BE Alright So Just Combo #27 Your Heart Out" ?? Huh. Anyone?
Well, then.
Almost a week and a half ago I was looking at the list of Waiting Children on my agency's website, even though I swore to Leslie that I would not look anymore, because it was stressful and made me shaky with nerves and desire. ( Surprise! I lied. I look. All. Of. The. Time.) And also I made that promise and tried to carry through because I KNOW that The Big G has it all under control. But well, I am an interfering biznatch what can I say? I make no excuses for myself. There I was a week and half ago, secretly looking at babies. And I saw a face. A boy. A young boy. With a need that we can handle. And I kind of fell in love. But this is not news. Just look at the Love Without Boundaries Blog- I fall in love at every entry. Except that I could not forget this guy. I knew that we are nowhere near where we need to be financially, so I did not say anything to Les. Then I couldn't help myself. I told him (he was not surprised to hear that I had been baby cruising - apparently he knew all along) and we looked.
Then we talked. Then I freaked out. I wanted this boy. Les said "let's throw out hat in the ring and see what happens" This is where I moaned about money and stresses and made an ass outta myself (happens all of the time) . Les said , we will do what it takes. We could get him home, it's not the perfect plan but it will get him here.
So we called.
Only to be told that that little boy was matched with his family not 48 hours prior.
I was devastated.
I was depressed.
I knew though ultimately that if he was ours, then we would get him. If not, we would not be able to bring him home and that our baby was still out there. Somewhere. So I soldiered on.
All of this happened on Friday. Right as we were at my Mom's house getting ready for the big weekend.
We went on the trip. I was ok. I was "moving on" I was only sad for me and not the baby, I knew he had his family.
Then on Saturday night I saw a family. I saw a tiny Chinese girl in her Papa'a arms. She was little and had a repaired cleft lip. She was an angel. I kept staring and staring at them until they thought I was nuts. Finally, I hurled Ev towards then and said "Oh! Congratulations!" Then we talked for a bit. Those parents said things to me that I needed to hear. Right then and there. Because I wasn't doing as well as I thought. Then I got to kiss Little Miss M's sweet, rosy cheek.
I needed to see that family. I needed to hear what they had to say. They were generous with their time and with their story.
I said all of that to say this "See? God knows. He is here with me. He is guiding me. He knows when I need a little sign or a push." Mostly though He knows where my child is.
You know what? I know that when I take my baby in my arms for the first time, I will feel the echo of Miss M's cheek on my lips. It was my lucky kiss.

Combo #27

The following is an e-mail tht I sent to Les while he was at work, oh about a week or two ago. It's where I am. It's what's happening in my heart and head.




Leslie,
I have been thinking this morning and most of last night as I lay in bed. I am tired of being the "delayed gratification so I don't feel excitement" person. As a military wife and a mother who has to go thru an International Adoption ot bring her babies home, I am quite used to sitting around just waiting. I have learned how to turn almost everything off and live for the day or the minute that I am in and not think about how long I have until I see you again or how long I have until I will hold my baby. While in Alaska I exhausted myself, literally emotionally exhausted myself. It seems like I was always waiting for you to come home, and that was while I was waiting for Ev. It was hard. I got to the point where I just sort of closed off during waits. Now it is what I do.
And not just for huge life changing things- all things. Like this trip to Hocking Hills? I was so excited the day I was planning it and then "click" I turn it off. Go numb and wait. It's scary- I can even make the appropriate noises and expressions but it's all fake. Nothing is there until the moment we are "doing".
Last night I realized that the scene in The Office bothered me , not for what I was thinking at first. It was that they let themselves be blissfully happy and unaware. I never let myself do that. I do have all of that joy flood in at the call and at the hand over, that's true. But then I have to dive right into making travel arrangements and then taking care of the little bugger. I have never allowed myself those moments of joy, when you can just sit back and be in love with the idea. It's me. I do this to myself!
I have moved thru the miracles that lead us to this child and this place right now with this whole web of worry and doubt over my head and heart. I have not really enjoyed the idea, the timing, the hope, the excitement. I am too afraid. I am just surviving. But it's not good enough any more. I AM excited for this little guy. I DO want him home so bad that I shake. I just push it away and worry about the SN thing, the meds, the surgeries, the fear.
Well, I am tired of it. What will all of that worrying get me? Grief- plain and simple. I get mad because I don't want people to be NOT HAPPY for us, but I never show the joy myself. I never pull people along on my tide of joy. Like with Chris and Kathryn? I just launch right in to the SN and the problems that the baby might have and then tack on a hurried "oh but we are happy at the end". I am done. I do not care what people think. I do not care if I exhaust myself again.
I am going to let myself be happy and enjoy the feeling of a baby coming. All of those other things will take care of themselves. I know that we will still have to talk about the SN about the issues, about the real and understandable worries. I will actually still worry. I am just going to be doing both now, happy and worried. That's Combo Number 27, the joy/fear combo.
I deserve this. The baby especially deserves to be anticipated with joy. No one else will love him unconditionally like we will. We have to find that now. We have to let go and let it all happen and take him in our arms and sigh and say "finally you are home, we have you now." All of the other stuff will fall in line.
I am not trying to become a head in the ground sort of Mom. I know that we still have hard conversations about what is coming, what we will face. But that stuff? That's not all there is. I am going to let myself see the rest. I am going to let go a bit.
Okay?
M

Because

Because every girl needs her very own sparkly tree in her bedroom.

Because, even Princess Leia had to learn her letters.

Because, sometimes you just need to steal Mama's colander, the cat play cube and turn yourself into a robot.

Because, even big girls need their Papa.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Because, sometimes, nothing will do but a quick holiday bootie dance!

Steve

The Tree and then a Party

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

On Saturday last, we went out and brought in the tree for this year. It's a tall skinny tree that we have affectionately named Steve. Don't ask why- that stuff just happens around here. We had the chance to visit one of our very favorite tree farms and bring home the perfect "not perfect" tree. I learned that the act of obtaining a Christmas tree and hauling it into the house is akin to crack cocaine for a 5 year old- wow. WOW. Did Bean have fun.
That night it was time to get gussied up and head out to the anuual Coast Guard Christmas Party. If you know me, then you understand when I say .... "meh" It wasn't as horrible as some CG functions, wasn't what you would call truly fun either. However Ev got to dress up in her new party dress that just happened to have a matching dress for Baby, then she (Ev) got to play with a nice little girl and her brother all evening, hey at least one of us expanded their social horizons.
I do have pictures of Steve all decorated but am currently too lazy to go find the camera and upload them. I will have to get to that tomorrow.

Surprises

There are things about being a Mother that you can expect to love. The smiles, the giggles, the hugs, the laughs, those quiet moments, those big moments when your child learns to tie her shoe or ride her bike, the first time you hear her read a few words. It's no surprise really when you find yourself in love with those things and find yourself craving them. It's no surprise to watch her walk across the room and know that, there in that little body, there is your heart- now and forever.
There are things that you love from the first or end up loving-eventually. Things that no one else seems to ever bother telling you about. These are things that are little and maybe a nuisance, things that-- well surprise you, when you find that you love them. Then when you realize that these are the things that are the glue between all of those other expected and wonderful moments, when you know that these things are there because SHE is there-
epiphany.

• Dirt piles. When I sweep my floors now, all of my dirt piles have glitter in them. This always makes me smile. It's as if that little girl magic has infiltrated every bit of this old house.
• Finding items put away "wrong". Like when she helps and it's not perfect or the way that you have done it for umpteen odd years.
• Hearing her bedroom door slam when she stalks off to her room in a tizzy.
• The endless arguments and battles between human child and feline child.
• Tripping over the stray cooties foot left in the floor.
• Scraps of paper. I never thought that I would say this, but she has won me over to her side with the scraps of paper. When she was sick last week, she sat with markers and tissues and colored me up bits of tissues to "decorate" with. They were lovely and everywhere. I am sure that my visiting in laws wondered what was up.
• Watching her "smoke" her corn cob pipe.
• Listening to one silly potential sibling name after another. her current fave for a brother? Well, "Super Duck" has just taken the lead from "Live Long and Prosper". For a sister "Candy Cane" and "Lantern" are big time faves.
• Waking up in the middle of the night to help her find a lost animal.
• Arguing with her about if we should eat Subway first or go to Costco first.
• Explaining in detail every single aspect to every single moment of my day.
• Stopping what ever it is that I am doing approximately every 32 seconds to "look mama"
• My refrigerator. I used to have a wonderfully clean and uncluttered fridge- not any more. It is covered with pictures and scraps of art work, colored pages torn from coloring books, alphabet stickers- you name it, it's on the fridge and I LOVE it.
• Having your work on the adoption stopped, or having to stop working on a job application or your resume because some little person desperately needs a Popsicle, or because the cat is chewing her Barbie, or because she needs a drink, or because she is hiding and wants you to find her and sometimes it's all of these things - at once. Or it's a hundred other little things that she is asking for just so you will stop and look at her.

There are about a gajillion others but I think that you get the point.

It's. All. Good.

Time

The Bean has been home with us since May 23 in 2005. According to Leslie that is 4 years 6 months and 10 days. That is roughly 1,650 days. In case any of you out there is pondering the whole attatchment/bonding thing. Let me tell you this. It has taken every single second of those 1,650 days to help my daughter turn the corner as far as trust and intimacy. Every second.

Then, you know what? It sort of happened without me noticing it. I just realized yesterday that I am getting brighter and more open smiles, she is starting to accept the choices that I lay out for her instead of divising one of her own, she is hugging us more and allowing us to hug and kiss her more. She is more easy. That's all that I can say.

Easy like Sunday morning now.

More confident.

If you don't know her as well as we do, you probably would not even notice. Heck, it took me awhile! It's just that well, it's hard to put into words...... I can sense with my mother's heart that so many of the things that I have been hoping and praying would happen for Ev have happened.

It seems that these days she is luminescent. She is more free.

It has not been all me. Or all Les. It has been Grandma and Grandpa Aunt Lissa and her Dillon Aunts. It has been having Brevin in her life. It has been watching us struggle to get the baby home and hearing every day that this is what we did for her-reaffirming that she was wanted and loved form the very beginning.

It has been HER.

This tiny girl who was followed home by the pain and betrayals of her beginnings. This baby that was left outside at just a day old. This child who survived hospitalizations and an orphanage-alone- this one little being who determined somewhere in her mind that she would live. I have learned so much from her. I have to respect her shell- it is part of why she survived. I have to make room in my life for her inner warriors for they kept her strong. I am almost bowed over every day that I see her smile and feel her arms around me and hear her say "Mama I LOVE you." Because there is no real and solid reason that she should have lived, that she should have healed, that she has found a way to finally crack that shell and send those warriors off for a lunch break. What I have on my hands is a miracle.

I know that.

Leslie knows that.

I am not saying that our work is over. I know that there will be questions later. Hard questions with answers that one can only soften so much. I know that those teen years are out there- looming.

It's just that this Christmas more than any of our other 4....This Christmas is something super duper. Something great. Something important. I want it to last forever and I want to bask in every minute.

So I will.

This One Is Mine

Thanks

I am thankful for my husband. This person that I stumbled across early in life. This man who is my everything. I love where we are right now in life and our relationship. We have a mutual respect for each other that I know is rare. We are friends, the best of friends really. He is the other half of me. I have no idea how I would get through a day if he weren't right here with me.
I am thankful for my Empress. The girl that I worked so hard to find. The girl that never disappoints. The girl that smiles and bosses and fusses and chatters non-stop. I am amazed at the quickness of her mind, the depth of her emotions, the ferocity of her love.
I am thankful for my parents. My upbringing. The love and respect that I was shown from the very first. I am thankful for their friendship and kindness, the absolute acceptance in their hearts for my children born in foreign lands.
I am thankful for my sister. What can one say about her sister? She is there, she knows me, we are symbiotic. This is the one relationship in my life that I have the hardest time talking about. It is quite profound. My love for her is unlike any other in my heart. It is part parent, part friend, part rival, part .... part everything.
Then there is Brevin. The first boy in my heart. The one that makes me laugh. The one that takes my breath away.
There is another out there. My mystery child. The one that I am longing for. Yes, I am even thankful for the longing.


I am thankful for Jodi. My friend. The one that is good for solid advice, hair appointments, casserole dishes and laughs. The person that is, in fact, a female Leslie. The one who is always there.

And So

And so the holiday season is upon us! I nearly had a panic atack in Costco yesterday, thinking of all of the cooking and cleaning and planning that will go on for the next 4 weeks. I do love it though. I love being close to family and having Ev around her cousins and Grandparents at such an important age.

• Les just took me out last week for a fancy dinner and then to see Wicked. What an awesome night that was. I loved every minute. I just couldn't believe that there was all of this surplus time to talk with each other! Ev spent 2 nights at Aunt Melissa's so Les and i had a much needed mini vacation.
• I still don't have that Home Study in my hands. That's not freaking me out too much.
• I am now truly in the market for a job.
• Evelyn is reading more and more every day. She did concede last week that I MAY know more than her because I can read anything but she can only read her school books. She followed that statement up by saying "it won't always be like that though- one day I will go to college"
• A little neighborhood girl is here playing today. Let's call her G. This kid goes number two every single time she steps inside my house then she gets all critical about my snacks. What's up with that?
• Evelyn has had her very first Christmas Disappointment. She wants a certain gift and Les and I have had to sit her down and tell her absolutely not. That will not be a gift that she gets as we have very strong personal feeling about it. We had to tell her before Christmas because she was really working herself into a froth over it- I would rather her be disappointed now then on Christmas morning. (Please note that I did not mention what she wants as I would hate for Gma and Gpa to get one and then have to return it)
• We have a great trip planned in mid-December with Lissa and Brevin and Grandma and Grandpa. I can not wait!!! We have a cabin rented and there will be train rides and Santa and ice skating!!!!

Well, I am off to fix a late lunch for Ev and G. The I am going to clean this house and get it ready for company. By the way? I have a HORRIBLE headache that I think is either a migraine or just plain old sinuses but I am sort of expecting my head to pop off any minute. My hair is hurting and my vision gets blurry every once in awhile. I wanted to cry last night but decided that it would only make my head hurt worse so I toughened up.

What? The? Heck?

I have been fretting a bit about "The Adoption". That's how it looks in my head when we say that, "THE ADOPTION".
It seems that our finalized home study has been completed and mailed of to our agency for them to review and review for "THE DOSSIER". This is a big thing. It means that once we get that in our hot little hands, things will be up to me for a bit. That is the way that I like it. So much of this process depends on other people- it just feels so helpless sometimes.
Knowing that the home study will soon (hopefully soon) will be in my hands for me to complete the final four steps and get it all sent to China means that I have been in a frenzy of paper fawning. This is where I pull every document back out and compare it with the checklist for the hundredth time- just to "make sure". This really does help me sleep better at night.
Last night I had my folder and my freshly Authenticated Documents (11 of the 13 that we will need in total)- I said to myself "self, you better check those Immigration Papers" Then I said to myself "self, you have already done that like 100 times, stop being psycho". Then I said to myself "Yes. But have you looked at the page numbers and verified that they are in order?" The answer was that no, technically I have never paid much attention to the page numbers, so I listened to myself.
Good thing that I did. Page 6 was missing! No page 6!!!! What the hell?
So. Les will reprint that package of what I call "very important info-crap" and we will have page 6.
I do not want to even think about the delay if I had sent that package off to D.C. with out page 6. Probably horrible delays and double payments and .......complete mental and social breakdown of this household.
Those quiet suggestions that I get? They are what makes me know that Somebody Important In the Grand Scheme of Things is watching out for me.


If you have never done an adoption, these Immigration Papers are your official request to the USCIS to approve you to bring home a foreign born child(their term, not mine). They are a bit tedious and each question has sub questions and the section for the primary requester is slightly different than the section for the spouse. So it can be easy to get confused and turned around and not notice that your section ends differently than your husbands.

Just Because

I have been rather wordy latey (embarassed cough)....SO here are a few pictures for your viewing enjoyment.

Influences

I always try to find interesting women or girls to expose Ev to. I want her to see that a girl or a woman can do or be anything. I point out female doctors and bus drivers, I point out female cops and construction workers. Another thing that I do is try to expose her to strong and influential women in music, mostly this is just fun. I have tried early Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Fergie, Gwen Stefani, Bette Midler, Kate Bush... she would be bop a bit and then wander off and never request their music again.
Then two days ago I came across a chic that I like very much indeed. Amanda Palmer. Ev wandered in when I was watching a video on you tube, she was struck silent. She climbed up on my lap and watched every single video that I could find for her with Amanda Palmer.
Miss Palmer has a definite style and way about her, the most evident thing is her make up and fashion. So Ev first watched this video......(if you don't like the music just turn the volume down until you get to see her face)


Then we watched a make-up tutorial on how to get this look.
Then we watched the following video a bunch of times. Among others.




Today Ev drug out not only her own make up but mine too. She achieved a very interesting facsimile of Amanda's look I think. Then she grabbed her portable music player, plugged her buds in and asked of we could take her into Cleveland for her to sing on the street.
So I have finally influenced my daughter. To be a tarted up Street Musician. Nice.



For the record, I actually think this is all pretty fun and cool. I mean, I wanted to dress up like Amanda Palmer too!

There Have Been Moments

Let's jump away from the behavior stuff for a bit. I am beginning to be weary of it.
Even in these days when she has been a complete poop, there have been moments when I laugh at her, wonder at her beauty, want to hug her fiercely (and do so), fall in love with her all over again, been completely amazed at her strength as a person.

Let's see. Her strength. OK. this may seem to be a bit "oh what a brat" but it's not really- Leslie and I always end up marvelling over these types of moments and ironically, as strict as we can be, these are not times that she gets in trouble. Like what you ask? Okay. Riding her bike Saturday with Les, she fell off. Her first fall. She got a scrape and she got mad. Spitting mad. She was hurt and betrayed. Les performed all of the appropriate ministrations and noises and consoling. Ev flatly refused to get back on her bike. Les KNEW that if she did not ride her bike right then, that she would never ride it again- ever (yes he was right and not exaggerating at all). So he was trying to get her helmet back on her and she fought him tooth and nail, in the middle of the sidewalk! He said it was like in the cartoons when they are trying to get a cat in a tub of water.... there was yelling (on her part) and cussing (on her part)....finally he had to trick her and get her hands busy with picking up her bike and then he had to jam her helmet on quick and strap it. Then she got even more mad. Then the fireworks started. By the time they got home Les was sweating and pale and completely worn out. He had to have a beer. Apparently she got on the bike but drug her feet, rode the brakes and all sorts of silliness for the 4 blocks home.

In the bath tub yesterday she was playing. It was "Magic Potion Making Game show with Plot" . She was a witch running a contest to see who would have to drink her sleeping potion, but she also had a witch sister that she was being the voice for too. The sisters do not agree on anything. I heard things like "well sister that won't work" "yes it will sister" "no it will not you witch" "you are the witch and it will work" "actually we are both witches and just, call our next contestant!"
(evil giggles) water splashing "well that potion worked after all" hee hee hee. "Now I call down mama Dillon!" splash splash "oh no!!!!!!!!!" She is a witch!" She has poisoned this house!!!!!!!" "aggghhhh! splash splash gurgle.

I snuck into her room yesterday while she was napping and got beside her and looked at her, and listened to her breathe and then before I knew it, I felt just like Holly Hunter in Raising Arizona. You know when Nic Cage hands her the baby for the first time and she sits there and looks at him and then breaks down completely and shouts "I-I-LOVE-H-HIM-S-SO-MU-UCH!!!!" and then Nic Cage says "I know you do baby"? That scene. That's how I feel about Ev alot of the time. (I tried to find a link to a you tube video of that scene but it did not exist)

Crabby Appleton

The Threat Status around here has been downgraded to Crabby Appleton. This is a normal and expected level of Grump. This is basically where we step back form the Nukes and smoke a ciggy and THANK GOD that we didn't initiate the launch codes.
Two things may have helped. First she, and by she I mean the The Beast, was purposely allowed to hear me talking to her Grandma about what a stinker she was, then I just simply told her that Grandma said *****"to try and be a good little girl"*****
Then I switched gears on her. I stopped commenting on her behavior and making any deal at all about it. I have started making her say every single snotty thing over and over until the last trace of brat is gone. Then I respond positively and a bit over the top with that. The other thing is that with each small opportunity afforded, I would/will grab her and hug her and kiss her and tickle her a bit or something.
It's working. Something is working. I am starting to think that we have been so hellishly busy that she feels/felt that she was getting a bit neglected or something. I am going to say it here, that is very likely the cause as well, she's spoiled. I know that she is spoiled. I am okay with that. I am okay with that simply because I know that she is spoiled, not for material goods and things, but for the time and attention of her parents. I'm cool with that actually.

***** Grandma technically did not say that. Grandma just listened and groaned a bit, hoping beyond all hope that Ev would not be in trouble, EVAR. Not ever in trouble. Grandma would never utter any word or phrase that she thought might potentially fuel any disciplinary actions. So I cheated a bit, because I thought Ev needed to know that no one in the family was going to stand for her behavior.

Crab Cakes

Crabby Appleton.
Crab Cakes.
Grump Monkey.
Sultan of Sass.
Connie Complainer.
Whiney Face.
These are just some of the nick names that I have had to use with The Bean these past three days. I have no idea what is up with this kid! I have tried every single thing under the sun and she remains,ummm, let's just call it.....Spikey. Yes. Spikey.
She teeters between sassing/outright defiance to complaining/ignoring us. It's been rough. For Saturday, I kind of thought maybe it was me until I looked at Les once and he mock throttled her behind her back. Then I knew; stand by for heavy rolls as the Coasties say. So I/we did not yell, we did not lecture or fuss, we did not try to course correct for her, we just kind of manuevered around her.
Then on Sunday? She was worse. So bad in fact that I had to literally hold the tines of a fork against my leg while talking with her so I did not yell or freak out in any way, the pain kept me only half focused on her you see. I just talked with her- firmly and set down the rules-again. She stayed bad. Ignoring me when I spoke to her, rolling about listlessly while I was trying to talk with her about her mood, not making eye contact, sort of whining and keening. THEN she tried to get me mad at Les by making up stuff about being in trouble and how terrible it was that she had to do school work, and that "no matter what HE says, IIIIIII, am not doing it!" "Then HE even gave me soy milk (whine, sad face, pout, toss and roll on floor)"

SOOOOOOOOOO.

Ev spent the afternoon playing in her room. She had lunch in her room. I called her down to rejoin the civilized folk about three times and each time she was still "Playin' the Jerk"- so back up she would go. I had no idea of what else to do. I am trying this new thing out. It's called, no yelling, no lecturing, just try to let her have moods and see how she handles it. Maybe she is too young, maybe I should maintain my Superego for Her staus a bit longer...who knows? All I know is that had I decided for a spanking or yelling or lecturing this weekend- that is all that I would have gotten done.

She is a bit better today. Still complain-y and judgemental. Still a bit Spikey.

Like at Gymnastics this morning? She was on the tumble trac right next to the Parent's area and she called me over to the sidelines, where she thenleaned over and gave me a kiss. I was so pleased and happy. Then she put her hands on her hips and says, kind of loud "hey you still have some morning breath happening there big momma!" Whaaaaat?!?! Yes everyone heard her. Thank God, they acted like they did not. I just went and buried my face in my i-phone.

She is taking a nap today. A big nap. And I am going to tie a ribbon around my wrist to remind me to be patient and even keeled.

Baby Jesus Beer Me Strength.

(she has been well fed, well rested, had minimal candy and shows no signs of getting sick, I can think of nothing emotional that has happened, she has had no nightmares- I am conviced she is just in a mood)

A Whole New Chapter

On the afternoon of Nov 5, 2009. My daughter sat down with her Papa for a session of school.
Thirty minutes passed and when she next climbed down off of the couch and strode forth- she was a reader.
Evelyn can READ.
Leslie and I both cried happy tears.
One of my new favorite things in this world is to sit with her and have her read one of her little books to me. Her words are halting, there are pauses for sounding out. But she uses the tiny, polish chipped finger to guide her way. She looks intently down at the page. She says "the end" with a flourish.
How many adventures and friends now await her? How much knowledge will she seek out on her own?

Repair Job

You know how sometimes when you are a Mom? And there you are in the middle of your day? And then you do something so effing stupid that lasts about one and a half seconds? But then you realize you were just a complete a-hole to your precious daughter? AND then it dawns on you that you will be untangling that particular mess for weeks to come?
NO? It's only me? Huh.

Here is what happened: I was cleaning frantically (still putting the house back in order after the party). I was in the living room. Ev had started the whole house overhaul thing when she decided to arrange her cd's and dvd's and then clean up her room (yes all on her own and she does a great job, yes I know that I am lucky). So there we were, we had made it down to the living room. I was cleaning and thinking about some pretty hefty stuff (which does not really excuse me). She was fawning over the dvd case to Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone. She was talking away and I was truly interested in what she had to SAY, I just had an objection to the requirement of stopping what I was doing every 2 seconds to LOOK AT IT (oh the horror, oh the trauma). So I said " Ev, I have seen that, alot of times, I don't really want to look at that anymore, it's fine if you do though".
Silence.
Then I realized that I have crushed her desire to talk to me about her thoughts on the matter. I realized that of all of the things to do, of all of the choices to make in today, I chose to blow her off. I realized this and tried to get her to start talking again. No soap. That dog would not hunt.
She was hurt.
I have talked with her about this. I have tried to explain that I wanted to hear what she had to say but I did not want to stop and look at the pictures so much.
She is an Elaine though.
She will hold onto this for awhile and then forget why she isn't talking to me about Harry Potter.
I will hold onto it forever and try to never, ever make her feel stupid for talking with me again.
So, who wants to nominate me for Mom of the Year?

Another Big Weekend = Another Big Recap

The Halloween Re-cap Entry. Yes. It has taken awhile. Yes. I have been exhausted ---but it was worth every ounce of effort.
Friday Night: We spent all Friday afternoon getting the house ready for the party and by that I mean, Les decorated and I cooked/cleaned. Then in the evening we went over to Aunt Jenny's house to meet up with her gang and Aunt Rae's gang. Ev played her head off and then spent the night in the room with all of her big cousins.
Saturday: The big day. More cooking for me. More decorating for Les. A much needed nap for Ev. Lissa and Brev showed up around 5 and then we were off! Costumes on! Over to Aunt Jenny's for a much superior trick or treating experience. We stopped long enough for some fun pictures and then the kids went and begged their body weights in candy. Back to this domicile for party time. We had 2 types of Chile, a chicken and rice soup, steak sandwiches, a green salad, a fruit try with all black and orange fruits, we had guacamole and buffalo chicken dip with blue tortillas, we had bread sticks in the shapes of bones, we had deviled eggs made to look like monster eyes. I even whipped up a batch of green potion for the kids to drink. We bobbed for apples, we had a dance party for the kids, we ate and talked and had candy and desserts (dirt, chocolate cheesecake, bat cookies and pumpkin bread). Then the 3 girls spent the night here.
Sunday: started at 7 am much to my eternal dismay. No matter. I made the girls a breakfast pizza and let them watch a Barbie movie, then they sorted candy, then they played sisters and by that time, the rest of the gang rejoined us for a left over lunch and long visit session.

All in all this was the Halloween that I have always wanted to have! Les and I both dressed up. My house was dripping in spiderwebs, we had a "mouse infestation" , we had pumpkins carved. MY house was full of noise and laughter and kids all having fun in their costumes. It was a great weekend.

Some of my favorite moments from the weekend are: just holding Ev's hand and talking with her as we kicked thru lots of swishing leaves while trick or treating. Watching Les come up with a costume in less than 5 minutes. Watching Les drink a beer thru a gas mask- yes it can be done. Sitting on Ev's bed with my nieces and daughter surrounding me, reading them a bed time story. Listening to Brevin holler with delight as he descended the basement stairs to join the fray. Seeing Ev dance wildy during the Dance party. Watching Scott stay in Spock character. Laughing as Katie's big wings kept hitting all of the other kids in the face. Seeing Aden pose in Ninja poses every time a camera was pointed at him. Listening to the very adult things that you can sometimes hear Audrey come up with.

Pictures from the Pumpkin Patch

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Windy City Weekend

We left the homestead last Friday for Chicago. The Windy City. City of Big Shoulders. Hog Butcher To The World.
It was a big weekend spent with great friends eating superb food and being absolutely silly with "accents" while playing MahJong. Here is the Recap.
The weekend actually started Thursday because Les was able to take Friday off of work so....
Thursday: We packed and then we spent the evening in front of the fireplace, warming ourselves and toasting marshmallows. This was the coolest thing to Ev, that we could toast marshmallows in the house.
Friday: Up and out of the house, headed for Dan and Cheri's place. It was a 6 hour trip. Not too bad. We even managed to convince Ev to get some sleep while in transit, it felt like an honest to goodness date for Les and I. We made it to Dan and Cheri's in time to head out for a walk around town and hit a used book sale at the Library ( yes if we can be silly, eat and buy books we are happy). Dinner at an Irish Pub (killer cheese ball thingies that I could have eaten 100 of but I didn't, mostly because they ran out). Back to D&C's for a viewing of Spirited Away which Ev loved.
Saturday: We got up early and went out for pancakes at The Original Pancake House and I had, I swear to you, the best pancakes in the world. Then off to The Shedd, where we saw many fish and whales and dolphins, a 4-D movie and the Shedd show "Fantasea". I also took many pictures of the back of Ev's head and blurry fish photos. Had Chicago Style Hot Dogs out of a street cart. This was the night that we ate at the Swedish place Tre Kronor- my that was tasty. Then back to D&C's for Uno and MahJong. Playing MahJong with those two was just about the most fun that I have had in a long long time.
Sunday: Everyone but Dan had a bit of a lie in and then we were off for the next meal. This time at a buffet place called Reza'a- Mediterranean food at it's best. I must have eaten my body weight in chilled salmon and hummus. We hit the book sale one final time and then returned home. But not before stopping at Giordano's for some Chicago style pizza.
So this is what we have been up to and recovering from, thus the blog slacking. I wish that I had the time and energy to give heartfelt reviews on all of the restaurants and write all of the funny stuff that was said over the weekend. It was just too much though.
I am gearing up for a Halloween party here this weekend so posting here will be scattered for a bit but, I will make up for it with a whole passel of pictures early next week.
I am not kidding when I say that have to start cooking tomorrow for a party on Saturday. I also have to clean, crochet one lime green fingerless glove, pull my costume together, grocery shop, rake the yard, and finish decorating the house. Maybe that doesn't sound like alot but, I do have the world's chatiest helper and things take about twice as long as they should because I have to explain everything- in detail- to her satisfaction. (that is so not a complaint, it's just the way it is).

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What's On My Mind Today

http://lifeofgiving.blogspot.com/2009/10/abandonment.html

Over It

• I am over that mood from yesterday- whew! Did that turn me into a whiney maggot or what?
• It is warm-ish and sunny here today so Ev and I are going outside to take a walk and play in the yard. She is completely convinced that Summer has returned and that she will be able to get in her splash pool.
• I have been scrambling to get Ev that h1n1 vaccine but it seems that I am out of luck. It is only being given out at the Health Dpts here, and only to the Medical Community at this time.
• We ended up having a really nice evening last night. Les took one look at me and took us all out to dinner. We then came home and tinkered about the house for a bit, then I popped some popcorn and we sat in the living room and snacked on that while Les read some Harry Potter aloud to us.
• We have a big weekend coming up. I am so excited about it and will have more on what went on early next week.

Whine Moan Complain

Sometimes the things that are swirling about in your head (worries, stressors, anxieties) and the things coursing through your veins (mostly hormones) turn you into, what I like to call "Off Mama". Today is one of those days. I am just off. I am short tempered and have no patience. I don't feel like playing Mancala or Doctor Visit. I don't feel like playing Candyland or hauling all kinds of glue and glitter out for a craft. I just want to sit and have my own thoughts. I need to stew.
I now know that this is okay. I know this because Leslie and my sister and Jodi tell me all of the time that days like this don't mean that I don't love or deserve Ev. It just means that I am human. I have learned enough about myself to know that I should not push it. That if I feel this way, I should absolutely stay in the background. It's not the end of the world if Ev has to have a quiet day where her every whim is not met- she really won't remember that through the years. She will remember if her Mama spent one whole afternoon sighing and fussing.

Yes. I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. I have alot on my plate that I wanted to get done today. Nope. This mood prohibits anything constructive. I have to wallow, that's the only way out.

The cat is not helping either. I think he has finally had the cheese slide entirely off his cracker if you know what I mean. He's nutso and annoying and chewing on everything but wanting lots of love so he can bite you mid pet. He even got Sushi yesterday. Ingrate.

Pumpkin Patch!!!

Finally! I have wanted to take my child/children to an Honest to Goodness Pumpkin Patch for about as long as I can remember. Then I got a daughter and we lived in the sorry Outer Banks. Then, last year we were too busy for some reason.

This year was it! We went to Honey Haven Farm, near my Mom's house.

There were horse drawn wagon rides, much scurrying through that gorgeous field of pumpkins, petting of farm animals (by no way a repeat of the Fair), a haystack maze, ice cream cones (pumpkin flavor) and warm apple dumplings. We were loaded with pumpkins and gourds when we left. I was in Heaven. The weather was fine and the kids enjoyed themsleves tremendously.

Melissa asked Brev what his favorite part of the day was and he said "RIGHT NOW!!!" as he took a giant lick of his cone......What more needs to be said?

I have a TON of pictures but I do not want to spoil the surprise of thier costumes too much..... though i guess it's not difficult to surmise Brev's. Sorry Sis.

We Told You!

div>We told you that we loved Halloween. Just check out Ev's outfit and it will become clear as to how much we love it.

*purse and hat by Mama

Halloween Is Near

It's that time of year again. Our favorite time. Halloween.

We have preparations in full swing.

The house is decorated.

The costume is sewn (thanks to Nonnie).

The party is planned.

There is canned pumpkin in the cupboard for pies and bread.

We are all done with candy corn and butterscotch already.

We have already watched Hocus Pocus.

We have already done Halloween crafts.

I just need some carving pumpkins and some cider then we will be all set.

Don't Ask Don't Tell

We have borrowed a policy from the US Gov't around here. The policy surrounds the controversy that is boogers.
It's like this. The Bean is a booger picker. Yep. Also? She used to eat them. Unashamedly eat them. Thankfully this has never been a public thing. She would just wait until she was in bed at night and go to town. I first realized this was goin on, when one day I could hear nose wheezes from across the room and she adamantly refused to let me clean her nose. Eventually, she hollered "but Mama! If you clean them out in the daytime, then I can't get 'em out at night!!!"
We have had MANY Interventions with Ev about her "habit". Seriously, I mean Interventions, with her extended family, even. We made progress of sorts. She does not eat them anymore (so she says) but she will still admit to picking her nose and liking it ("it's fun"). Kids! Personally I think that this whole thing is funny and just what you get when you have little savages running about, I think it's normal to a point. Aunt Melissa however? Aunt Melissa just looses her mind about this whole thing.
After a few Interventions and serious lecturing about germs and such, Ev seems to be on the wagon. It is just better to keep the don't ask don't tell mentality.
DADT used to be just about boogers. Now we have had to expand that umbrella to include, wait for it...... feet smelling.
What is up with this kid?!?!?!
Les caught her last week. He was a bit dismayed.
She was taking a small plastic toy and vigorously rubbing it between her toes - and. then. sniffing. the. toy.
Les asked her what in tarnation she was doing. Her reply? "Smelling my feet."
Ew.

Scent

You know how every person has that smell that is just theirs? The Bean has a smell. You can smell it when all of the lotion and shampoo smells fade a bit. I have tried and tried to figure out what she smells like and today it hit me.
Hot.
She smells hot. Like embers in a fire. Like ideas being formed.
That's perfect for her. That smell is what she is. She is there, hot as can be, burning with ideas and imaginings, her little mind is always at work. Creating heat and thoughts.

No,

I haven't been forgiven. Why do you ask?

Pagan Rabbits

Is it just me or does this appear to be an interrupted pagan pumpkin ritual?

I may have to call in the area's Inquisitor to get to the bottom of this.

Bean, Butter Bean 007

The Bean is, all of the sudden, into spying.

She has taken scotch tape, a small Barbie mirror, a magnifying glass that came in a bug hunting kit and a card board roll from old Christmas paper and she has comstructed a "periscope". This periscope has some incredible properties!

1.) it renders her completely invisible

2.) watching us through the magnifying glass seems to quadruple the interestingness of what we are doing

3.) it muffles all sounds that she makes

These are all properties that are in her mind of course.

She loves watching what we are doing though. She will be right up on me, mouth breathing, and giglling while I am changing but I am to act as if she is nowhere around. She loves it.

I think it's weird but then again, she does sleep in her closet........

The Plasma Burnt Penguin

When we went to the Newport Aquarium, my mom bought Ev this pink, plastic glow in the dark penguin. This is a special penguin. Mainly because it's just one of her many possessions but. mostly because it came from Grandma.


Now, Ev has been sleeping on the floor in her closet. Okay , that's weird but there it is, kids do weird stuff. It's her "secret place" and she wants to be there. So we let her. She has lanterns and , glowing penguins, link posters and ameeuhls and many, many blankets, a thermos of water, a small chair, her pillow, and 2 baskets full of chopsticks, bits of paper and stickers in there. Yes, it's a moderately sized closet. hum hum okay. my point is....


The penguin lost his glow. He needed recharged. I was appointed this task. I had many instructions and we had to make definite plans about his return to the secret place. I promptly forgot most of my instructions. I was tired and edgy and well, really? I have to now pay attention to the needs of a plastic penguin from Kentucky?!?!?!


I went into the bathroom, realized I still had the penguin in my hands, looked around, (I really had to go) saw no shelf or anything near a light to charge him. So I did the next best thing. I turned him on his back and laid him directly on a light bulb over the vanity. Smart right?


Then I forgot that there was even a penguin in the house, let alone one in mortal danger. One that I had been entrusted to keep safe.


Nothing happened right away because I turned the light off and went down stairs to watch a movie.


1.5 hours later, I come back upstairs for my evening ablutions and then....I remember the penguin when I smell him melting.


I had to sort of ooze him off of the light bulb and run him under cold water.


Yes, I plasma burnt my daughters precious penguin.






I kept this dark secret for 3 days.


Tonight I confessed.


I am in the dog house.


Ev immediately got her Hello Kitty Emergency Kit and put a band aid on him. She then started to murmur things like "well, she never burned me", "you will be alright I am sorry that your back burns like hell fire". I have had several sidelong glances and I fear that I have lost the privilege of taking care of any of her animals again.


It's a mixed blessing to be sure.

(Does anyone else wonder why I am in such trouble if Penguin was able to be hid away on the top shelf in the hall closet for 72 hours without her remembering? If he was all THAT special shouldn't she have questioned me thouroughly that next morning? Why was a tired, strung out Mom put in charge in the first place? Who holds the real blame here people?)

One Of A Kind

I was sitting here at the computer desk and Bean walks in. She says "hey mama can I go get one of my pumpkin candies to eat?" I say sure and keep working away here at the beast. A few minutes later she comes up, with s few sugar crystals around her lips and she says "here Mama", I look and she is holding up this tiny orange pumpkin for me. She just stood there, holding that pumkin aloft and smiling at me. The light from the window was bright and diffused and lighting her face up like an Angel's. I looked at her and then the entirety of my love for her sort of flooded through me. I saw her for what she is and I realized how very deeply she has wound her way into my heart. This is nothing new really , I did know these things in almost the first minute I held her, but sometimes you get a flash and you just KNOW more than other times. It's like we walk around with this buffering system on because otherwise our love for our children would blind us.
So. I accepted that pumpkin and I pulled her up onto my lap and I curled her up and I hugged her and smelled her hair. I told her that I loved her. LOVED HER. I think she felt that moment too because she said "whoo! Gosh Mama am I the only one that you love?" I told her that no, she was not the only one that I loved that I was lucky enough to have many people that I loved but that my love for her was different, that it was one of a kind. She asked me how. I told her that my love for her was fierce. She wanted to know what that meant. I said fierce love is bright and bold, strong and big and can't be lost or broken, that it was the closest thing to magic that I could do.
"Whooo!" she said.



*"whooo!" =the thing that Ev says when she is overwhelmed with emotions- good ones. It always has been, I will know that I am in trouble when as a teen, she looks at a boy and a small "whoo!" slips out.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch

This may be a rambling post. I may not even publish it but I feel like there are some things that I want to talk about.
We are going through a second adoption. That means that I am "paper pregnant". It means that I have inside of me all of the hopes and dreams and anxieties that any expectant mother has. It's just that no one else can see it. I have no physical changes to go along with it. I have no daily reminders or monthly milestones to help me remeber that, indeed, a baby is coming. It means that those "resereved for expectant mother" parking spaces really chap my ass. It means that I hope and pray every single minute of my existance that I will be able to be enough for these children.
In some ways I am scared to death. I have no idea who this person is. I have no idea if it will be a boy (probably I am feeling) or a girl (no disappointment at all if it is). I have no idea how old he or she will be- I use the term baby to mean a child that is my youngest. That term,baby also helps me keep in mind how significant the child's needs will be. I have no idea of what physical condition my child will be in. I am so afraid that I will not be able to stand seeing a child of mine in pain with surgeries. I am so afraid that my family will be disrupted and never get back to "normal". I get so afraid that I will love unequally. I am afraid that I will loose my husband in all of the activity and noise and general adoption mayhem. Most of all though? The thing that scares me the most? Is that I WON'T get a baby out of this.
In some ways I have no doubts at all. Sometimes there is no fear. I just feel like we can do this. That we will do this and that we will have two beautiful and wonderful children from China that make us complete as a family.
Some days my longing for this baby is unbearable. I can not eat a bite or sit for a minute with out wondering and hoping and praying. The longing has a different flavor than that I had for Ev. It's like when I was waiting for her, that longing was all about ME and what I wanted and needed. This time it's less frantic for myself and much more frantic for my child. I want that baby home so we can take care of him/her, so we can start to make things better and right for that person.
On most days I live with a strange combination of all of those emotions: fear, hope, faith and longing.
Then there are the extra frustrations. The paperwork. The Social Worker that takes a longer time than you want getting your home study together. The fears of H1N1 taking over your trip and making it hell. The silly CDC and their TB crap. The notarization, the certifications and oh GOD! the money.
I never want to turn away though. Not one second form the time that Les and I began to realize that this could be. That we could go back to China and come home with the most wonderful gift of all.
At times I worry that these fears I have mean that I am not fit or worthy- those are the darkest times. Most of the time though I try to remind myself that these fears are normal and ok and even beneficial to have, they get me thinking and help me ready myself.
I would also like to talk a bit about my husband. How he has gone through the heartbeak of infertility WITH me. He has never been on the outside looking in. He has walked with me every single step of the way. He has never once doubted my feeling and intuitions about adoption. He tells me every day that he is so very happy that things worked out like they did. There is no hesitation in his heart, he loves our children from the depths of his soul, I know this. I see his love in every thing that he does. He has never made me feel like I was bad or broken in any way. He just sort of hitched up his pants and waded through the grief and the decisions and the paperwork with me. I simply could not ask for more.
I was looking at a blog last night and there was this picture of this tiny, beautiful 14 mos old girl, laying in a hospital bed recovering from heart surgery. I began to cry. I just wondered how on earth I could be strong enough to help a child through that. I then remembered that I could because it would mean life versus death. Love versus nothing. I know that God will send us the child we are supposed to have, the child that we can handle, the child that is ours. I know this because I have Evelyn and she is a miracle.
Yes she is a miracle but, it wasn't easy. She was sick, undernourished, weak and frightened when I took her into my arms. We then lived our final 2 mos in Alaska. Les was in and out with the CG, underway for days at a time. I was alone with this grieving, adjusting mess of a little girl that I loved so very profoundly. Then we moved. Just as she was starting to settle in and find a rhythm, just as she was getting secure, we had to put her into a car, sleep in a different place every night, spend 8 hours a day on the road, fix bottles over hotel sinks, find a way to start laying our foundation as a family in the middle of this horrendous cross country move. It nearly did us all in. So I say to myself, well, no matter how intense it gets this time, at least we won't be in the Neon, moving across country. Some days that is all the comfort and reassurance I need.

Head Trauma

Les has an ear infection. Now a double ear infection because despite the fact that he is on antibiotics- his right ear has started hurting. Earlier today he put his ear drops in and then plugged them with toilet paper (toilet paper is what we quasi-hill billies use instead of a cotton ball). He was walking around with these tufts of tp sticking out of both ears. The Bean got real interested. She kept staring at him and asking "Papa does that hurt?" and he would tell her no, it's just there keeping his ears from leaking. She kept staring and asking and then she said "Papa are you saying that when you put that THROUGH your head- it did not hurt?"
Then I realized why she was so concerned. She thought that he put a strand of toilet paper in one ear and then pushed it through his entire head until it was sticking out the other ear!!!!!! HA!! HA!!
After we were done laughing we showed her how it worked, that it was NOT through his head.
She was not amused.
We were.

Peeling Oranges

My Mom has always had this expression, I can remember her saying it waaaayyyy back into my childhood. It goes like this , the kid asks for something, anything really but something that the parent is not going to get to quickly or maybe never or it is something silly that the kid is asking for, like they do. Well, then the parent says "As soon as I am done peeling this orange", in other words "no, you are nuts to ask now go and play while I sit here and let my eye twitch". No, really that's what it means. I NEVER thought this answer was funny. I was always a bit irritated at it in fact- I guess that's the point.
You know how they say that when you get a certain age and you have kids and you open your mouth to respond to them and then, WHAM! your Mom falls out of your mouth? That happened to me last week.
The Bean and I were in a grocery store and she wanted something silly and expensive - I honestly can not even remember what it was now -and I completely surprised myself by saying "yeah sure as soon as I get done peeling this orange". Apparently my daughter has the same reaction to this answer that I did, except she is a bit more vocal and confrontational than I was as a child. She sat straight up in the cart, sighed and looked right at me and said (this is a quote, an exact quote by the way- this I remember) "What? You don't even have an orange. What is that supposed to mean anyway? Peel an orange? Really, why don't you just tell me no and get it over with?" Yeah she said that.
The older than me lady that was standing near us started laughing and nearly choked. She looked at me and said "My, you have a smart and feisty one on your hands don't you?"
Sheesh lady, you don't know the half of it.

What's Been Going On

• My husband has been recovering from an ear infection. An ear infection? I have no idea how a fully grown and healthy man in his thirties with no cold or sinus infection in the previous weeks ended up with an ear infection. I just know that it was bad enough to send him to the ER in the middle of the night (I was at Smokewood preparing for the County Fair so I was really no help to him when he was his sickest).
• Evelyn has started back up in Gymnastics. She is stoked. She has a class with her favorite teacher and there are only 2 other girls in her class.
• Jodi had her purse stolen. She lost her wallet, her keys, her cards...it was pretty awful.
• I have reached a new stage in my weight loss plan. It is time to kick it up a notch. I have to buckle down more on the calories and get VERY regular about my work outs. I am looking forward to it. I am now feeling so good and so used to having that work out that I crave it. I now love to sweat.
• Ev has a touch of a cold. It's just bad enough that she feels it, it's pretty mild, I have not needed to medicate her or anything. She notices though and is perplexed by the whole thing. She is convinced she "picked up the germs" at the fair and is now wondering why I ever took her to such a germy place. I reminded her that was where the rides and Cotton Candy were and she seemed to think that it was worth the risk after all.
• I was wandering around a book store yesterday and I was thinking "I should be looking for books for the baby" then I glanced down and there was a book right in front of me that has the boy's name we have picked out - right in the title. I bought the book. And am now nearly completely convinced that have a son on the way.
• The Dermatologist performed a hack job on my left arm! That's the arm that I nearly passed out with because he was digging all around and well...it was gross. Then he got a stitch too tight and it really needed 3 stitches instead of 2 and now that scar tissue is back and bigger than ever and it is all red with a sore in the middle and well....it's gross and I am mad. Also? He went off on this weird political rant when I was there and sort of stood in front of the door and I had to get nasty with him to get out. Weird.