Her

Ok. Stop. Do not read this if you are not in the mood for sap. I am just overwhelmed by my daughter and who she is right now that I could just bust. I have been trying and trying to think of a way to describe what it is like to be with her, to see her for who she is. It's hard to really explain anyone, let alone a child as bright and caring as Ev is.
So if you aren't a kid person, if your are not sentimental, if you are hormonal- just stop reading. I will return in a day or two with much less syrupy fair.

Have you ever been out in the wee early morning with a cold mist or fog hanging in the air, when the sun finally shines out over the tips of the trees and lights everything up in a soft golden glow and you feel as if they left the door to Heaven cracked open a bit?
Have you ever been walking in the deep cold of a Northern winter, when the snow is glittering and you get this pleasing crunch with every step? When the air is so brittle and fresh it is almost painful but it is so quiet around you that you can hear the swish swash of the wings of a magpie?
Have you ever stopped at a roadside stand in the middle of a blazing hot Southern afternoon and bought a tree ripened peach and bit into it and had the juice run down your chin and arms until you were sticky and happy?
Do you remember that feeling on Christmas morning when you were a child, and you would turn that last corner and see all of those beautiful packages left there by some Magical Man right under your tree?
Have you ever been handed a fresh, hot home-made donut right our of cast iron skillet at your Grandmother's?
Have you ever pulled up in front of your favorite New York restaurant and found a parking space right there (!) , right in front, just like in the movies?
Have you ever laid in bed at night, close to someone you love and listened to the distant whistle of a train?
Have you ever had your sister call you, out of the blue, and make you laugh right at the very moment that you most needed it?

These are the kinds of feelings that well up inside when I see my daughter running towards me with a smile on her face, arms outstretched.
This is what it is like to live in close contact with a girl like Ev.
Pure magic.

She Shall Never Be Five Again

Tomorrow is June 24th. Evelyn will be six years old.
I can not believe it- it seems like just yesterday I was standing in a hot and stuffy room far, far away reaching my arms to hold her for the first time.
I absolutely adore this girl.
I am so very sad to loose her smallness, that baby, infant, toddler pre-schooler, but I am also so very excited to watch her grow and Become.
She has brought me much joy, oodles of pride, laughter, love. She has shown me that the human heart is resilient and capable of withstanding so much. And that with just a little faith and hope we can always arrive right back at Love.
Through her eyes I am able to see the sheer joy in an empty bag that floats and flits in the open back of a pick-up truck.
Through her eyes I can almost see the fairies that surely must be dancing just around every corner.
I have watched my husband bloom and grow stronger because of her. For her.
When I am with Evelyn and we are driving at night, I see that it is entirely possible that the Moon is following US home to keep us safe.
I watch her struggle with this new life being thrust upon her. The Brother. And the grace that she exhibits, the concern that she has for this unknown interloper, it just floors me.
I love the way her hair smells of embers and things hot and alive.
I love that smooth, soft skin that is such a beautiful shade of brown.
I love her otherness.
I love her sameness.
I love that tiny, barely there nose and how it wrinkles when she is ornery.
I love that every corner, nook, shelf, hole, and moment of my life is filled with her.
She is a magical creature, this girl.
If you watch her closely, you can see her charm reach out and touch the heart of person after person.
If you listen, you can actually hear the myriad of thoughts in her head, buzzing and spinning and wanting to be let out into the world.
She will organize your life- literally.
She will never forget.
She will share. She will worry. She will plan.
One day, I am sure that she will step out into the world and amaze. She will conquer. She will Arrive.
But for right now? She is six. And she is mine. And I love her beyond belief.
I am unaware of the Thing I did in life to deserve her- whatever it is, I am glad that I did it. I am glad that someone was watching and sent this little person my way.
There is so much joy in being her Mother.
Tomorrow the celebration begins. A long, slow build to her party at Grandma's on Saturday.
We will have presents ( possibly too many), we will have Rites of Passage ( ear piercing!), there will be streamers and cake. Through all of it I will revel in her growth, her big girl-ness. Please forgive me though if you see me off in a corner with some tears in my eyes because I will be missing that tiny little baby who used to clutch my legs and say "uppease uppease" when she wanted me to lift her up and hold her.

Weekend Re-cap

We had a long, tiring, fun and wonderful weekend. I only managed to get pictures on the day we went to Cedar Point. I am offering up this quick re-cap because I am still to whipped to do anything else!

Thursday night, Aunt Rae and her gang showed up here at the casa. We talked and snacked and everyone turned in.
Friday we all got up way too early, took way too long to get going and eventually made it to Cedar Point-all 11 of us. Ev had a strange day of frustration and wild rides. She is a tiny thrill seeking muffin and was unable to ride most anything that was interesting to her. She is 41 inches tall and 6 years old(yeah those red shorts she's wearing are size 12 mos). That means that the kiddie rides are boring, she is too short for most of the big rides and many of the in-between rides. She never complained- not once, instead she waited patiently when necessary and rode the things she could ride over and over again- squealing with delight, hands in the air and a huge grin on her face.
Saturday was "layover day", with Aunt Rae and her gang here and Aunt Jenny's gang joining in the fun for awhile before they pulled out, on their way to Tennessee then AUnt Rae's gang left for home too.
Yesterday was Father's Day. There was an appropriate level of sleeping in. Then we went to the lake for a swim, walked along a lakeside trail for a bit, munched on mulberries( right off of the tree). We had dinner out then we went to see Toy Story 3 and had ice cream.
No wonder I am tired and a bit off today! It was a big weekend.
(We absolutely loved Toy Story 3 by the way)

Edited to say: I just checked the tag on those shorts because I started thinking, "Really? 12 mos? In 3 days she will be six- surely that's not right." Turns out I WAS wrong. Those shorts are not size 12 mos- they are size 6-12 mos! And that is why we call her The Tiny Muffin.

Two Hearts

As you walk to and from the fishing pier where we chunked rocks today, you have to walk along this stone wall, that has scraps of graffiti on it. I didn't pay much attention walking out because we were talking and laughing with each other. On the way back from the far edge of the pier, we sat and engaged in sime pretty serious chunking. We quieted down a bit and I sat there listening to the sounds of Ev's rocks break the surface of the lake with wonderful little ker-plunks and splashes. I got to thinking about Liam and wondering if the life we have in mind for him will offer as much healing as Ev has had.  And then I was thinking about how, on the way home from my Mom's house yesterday, I heard a song that I have listened to a thousand times but his time the song was completely different for me 

 This time I listened to it while Ev was sleeping in the backseat and my mind was freely wondering and hoping on Liam. 

The song is Two Hearts by one of my favorite musical artists, Chris Isaak. It was intended to be a song from a man to a woman that he loves. But if you just listen, you can hear the plea that is in my heart and Leslie's heart. Two hearts, one that belongs to a mother and one of a father. We are waiting to to end Liam's heartaches. The heavy weight of his heart break can be eased by the both of us.
And like the song says:

It's not too late.

I am sure that wherever my little boy is tonight, it's dark around him and he wonders why no one has found him. It's not his fault....

So imagine my surprise when, walking back to the truck I saw this graffiti:

Read the lyrics and listen to the song if you want. There is love in this song, and hope and a sort of hurry up and come on vibe.






No stars in the sky, the night seems so dark around you.
You won't say a word, and wonder why no one's found you,
Waiting for love, praying for love again........

Love's a heavy weight, give it to me don't hesitate.
Love's a heavy thing, too heavy for one heart to bring me your love.
Give me your love again, it's not your fault.
One heart can never win it takes.

Two hearts, two hearts just to hold love.
Two hearts, two hearts just to hold your love.
Your love.

And if your heart should ache,
Remember me.
And if your heart should break.

Two hearts, two hearts they can mend it.
Heartache, heartaches can be ended by love, by love.

Love's a heavy weight, give to me don't hesitate.
Love's a heavy thing, too heavy for one heart to bring me your love.
Give me your love again, It's not too late.
One heart can never win, it takes two hearts.

Two hearts, two hearts just to hold love
Two hearts, two hearts just to hold your love
Your love. 

My new anthem.

Trucks and Such

Today was Touch a Truck Day at our local library. They had the parking lot filled with different types of trucks and the kids were allowed to climb and clamber and honk and "drive". Every single kid there was in awe and most of them were climbing and test driving. Well, all of them but mine.

The only vehicle she got into willingly was The Mulcher! Oh she did go into the Ambulance but that was because I went in too, and then we forced her up on the Zamboni.

After we had our fill of trucks, we headed to the lake for some good, old fashioned rock chunkin'. We were right across the Grand River from Papa's Station and we walked out on the fishing pier. (There is this great stone wall with graffiti there that I love.)

Then dinner out.

It was a good day, even if that little stinker refused to get inside the Fire Engine!

Now she and Papa are preparing for a night of camping out, in the backyard.

Ahhh, the joys of summer.

Please note: The Maternal Unit is NOT camping out. It's ummmm, not my thang. I mean I will do it when forced but NOT 75 feet away from my own bed- that's just wrong, man.

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At The Store

Bean and I were at the store today- stocking up on totally nutritious food like pizza and ice cream and brownie mix when this Asian couple walked past us. I hardly noticed as Bean was in high chatter and there was this hot topic going on about what topping we were gonna buy to go on our brownie sundays tonight (chocolate or hot fudge)....

Bean noticed though. She always notices Asians- Chinese or Japanese or Korean. She notices every Asian person in a 3 mile radius.

Today she stopped gabbing about The Topping long enough to point out the Asian folks. I smiled and said oh yes " she is lovely"- because that's usually how it goes- she sees mostly the women and thinks they are beautiful ( they are). 

Then Bean looked at me and she said " I don't know why I always want to look at Chinese people- Do you Mama?" I just stood there, thinking of what to say and how to say it in such a public place. I was taking way too long to answer and it seems that Bean already had it worked out.  After  a very short few seconds she said " I think it's because they make me think of my Birth Mother".

 So we had a conversation in the car coming home. 

I asked her if she thought of her Birth Mother often and she said yes. I said " You know it's okay to talk to me about her or your time in China or being adopted- anything - anytime- right?" 

She said " I don't talk about it much because I get sad and confused and I can't....I don't know what words to use to talk about it".

We decided that sometimes it will be okay for me to ask her (Bean) about it and anytime she is thinking about things she can at least say " I am thinking about my Birth Mother" and then we can try to find words together.

These kind of moments with her make me really glad that I have read many, many blogs of other families and they have each helped me prepare for this and glad that there are now brownies and ice cream in the house- for that all important Emotional Eating that will be done. 

Waiting: It's What We Do

We are a military family and we have a life that is fraught with separations and schools and Temporary Assignments. We are also an adoptive family and we get to do that long, winding meander to our children.

So waiting is what we do.

Some days I am good at it and some days I am not.

I thought that at this point- I wouldn't be very good at it.

I am doing ok which surprises me.

Maybe it's because we have so many things left to do between now and travel?

Maybe it's because I am just plum exhausted and have left the worrying and details to God?

Maybe it's because I have partially shut down and I am not letting anything get too close or be too real?

I can tell you that it's NOT because I am not frantic to get to him. It's not that my heart does not long to be with him with every beat.

We are waiting for TA now. China is the boss.

It's also a funny thing that I don't mind so much waiting on China- it was all of that futzing with THIS country's Immigration that really chapped my hiney.

We are facing a potential 7 week wait until travel right now.

On one hand I think' how will we ever make it?" and then on the other hand my mind goes back to our first test pack two nights ago and I think "well, will 7 weeks be enough time to get this right?"

Either way you cut this pie- we are waiting and there is not a single thing that I can do to speed it up. I can only survive it with Grace.

At times I get this choking vice around my chest and throat. I would be rushing to the Doctor for meds if I hadn't gone through this before. I know what that feeling is. It's my heart longing desperately to have us all together. As it is, I just take a deep breath and swallow and Ev and I drive out for ice cream.

And we wait.

Decisions Decisions

I am at a cross roads with the blog. I have called it Life with The Bean for so long that it's hard to think about changing the name. I was thinking about doing two blogs- one for him and one for her- that may get too cumbersome. Then I have to think- where would I put the everyday stuff that was about both or me just complaining?
I am still trying to make up my mind.
Any suggestions?

Update: I have decided. I will follow the advice of some pretty smart folks and keep everything here and just add Liam in. Makes sense, it's easy and it feels right. I am sure that eventually he will have a nick name up there too. Right now I call him Rocket Boy , his Aunt calls him Cheeks for Weeks and his sister calls him whatever crosses her mind so until I know what will stick- it's "her Brother".

Renaissance Man

This is my husband. We have been married for going on 16 years now. Sometimes he looks at me and asks me why I love him. How could I not love him?
Not only is he handsome he is smart and funny but he is also a terrific father.
Some of the things that I like best about him are:
His penchant for "gimmicky" pillows.
That he still plays role playing games in basements after all of these years.
His Savant like knowledge of music from the 70's and 80's.
That he counts both Room With A View and Band of Brothers as favorite movies.
I love that he will put on a hat and have a tea party with his daughter but that he is also a hard assed military man.
He truly is one of the smartest people that I know but he will forget his wallet back at the house about 45% of the time.
He is kind but will not hesitate to put me in my place when I get cray-zee.
He and I can have entire conversations based on movie quotes.
He will read Watership Down and Carl Sagan and Joseph Campbell and A Sorrow in Our Hearts- in the same month.
He loves the Space Program and Steely Eyed Missile Men as much as I do.
He really knows how to enjoy a good documentary.
He can be a complete sci-fi geek but knows how to change the oil in our vehicles.
He can build bookshelves and is fanatical about the way the books are arranged on them.
He has work clothes but will forget to change into them and get paint all over a good shirt.
He will quietly pack a flashlight and take it to China and whip it out when the fuze in the room blows and astound me with his preparedness.
He knows when it's okay to make fun of the huge freaky zits on my face and when to offer to try and find me a Phantom of the Opera Mask to cover them up.
He understands that sometimes a girl needs to be with her sister. Or alone. Or sit right up next to him and not speak for hours at a time.
I love that his quit smoking cigarettes plan was to smoke pipes.
I love that he will drink a good Scottish Whiskey and a chocolate milk shake with the same amount of enthusiasm.
He understands my need/desire to befriend lonely people in the library and he takes Ev off and lets me talk movies with old guys and the like for long periods of time.
What I love most about him is that I can trust him completely with my heart.

Test Pack

We are finally letting ourselves get a little giddy and we are beginning to think that we might actually get to go to China. So we went out and bought a new carry on ( the ones we used for Ev's trip were a disaster ) and then we came home to do a test pack. We are attempting to go COO ( that's Carry On Only for the non-adopters out there).
Anyone who knows me is scratching their head right now and saying "Michal and light packing??" "Wait!" "What?"
I know!!!!
It's just that the trip to Ev was fraught with luggage issues and packing and re-packing and then purchasing more luggage to come home in addition to mailing a big brass dragon turtle form Guangzhou to Homer, Alaska. I can tell you it was crazy.
I do NOT want to go there again.
I was doing pretty good until Les was all "You need TWO bars of face soap? For two weeks?"and I was all like " yeah - in case one gets lost" and then he was all "Hey we can BUY tolietries over there" (like who does that? Oh, anyone who is smart you say?...  and I am sort of hormonal and packing stresses me out so, you know. At least no one called the cops or bled onto the wood floors.
The good news is that we might actually make it with the COO.
The bad news is one of us may die to get it done.
All's well that ends well.

Calico Dinosaur

Brevin and Lissa came for another overnighter. We just HAD to take Brev to the pottery place. I wanted to see what he would come up with. He chose a dinosaur and wouldn't you know it? He went to the same school of art as Ev- Calico.

Then there was ice cream and parks and sleeping in tents and playing in the kitchen and all kinds of silliness.

It was a good time Lissa and Brev- thanks for coming!

Redundant Redundancy

I know that post about where we are in the process to get Liam was a bit -ummm confusing. Don't worry I am not going there again, neither am I going to mention Hobbits.
That last letter we were waiting on came today and I faxed it off.
This means that my part of the work is officially over. Now we wait.
More waiting.
Good. Great. Fantastic.
So we are looking at TA at around 6 weeks from now.
Six. Weeks.
For the "invitation" to travel. Actual travel will be about 2 weeks farther out than that.
In other words, it's around 2 months until I hold my son.
Maybe I should have just said: 8 weeks until we get Liam.
ok let's try that: 8 weeks until Liam.
There that was easy.

Revenge is a dish best served cold- or some such nonsense

While Brevin was here he got to talking about his Day Care class. There is a boy in this class who is mean and out of control. He hits and punches and yells and is possibly the Son of Satan. Brevin has a few hang ups about this guy. He was talking to his Mentor about what to do- no, not me- Evelyn.
A plan was devised to really show this kid who was boss. It was so unique and out of left field that I think it's genius.
So when you have a bully that just won't give you any peace, just get yourself some markers and  index cards. Then you scribble on those cards. Angrily- using only the colors that you don't like. Make sure it's real scribbly now. Then what you do is you give those index cards to the Bully.
Diabolical.

My Preciousssss!

So we got our "Provisional Approval".
I find it more and more difficult to inform friends and family where we are and what is taking so long and what each little step means. It's like a Martian talking to a Fungo- others have absolutely no reference for this.
When we went through Ev's adoption I was lucky I guess. No Hague process. I must say that the seven gajillion steps between Letter of Acceptance and Travel is maddening.
I have this list on the fridge. It has the FIVE steps that must be completed between LOA and Travel. FIVE.
I also have my guesstimation for the length of time that each step may take.
I HATE THIS LIST.
 I have a relationship to this list the way Gollum has a realtionship to the One Ring. I hatessss it but I am obsessed with itssss. I can't get away from it. Some would say, take it down, throw it away. I can't.
 I can't do that because for one I can't wrap my mind around this final phase and, for two, I can't because it has taken over my soul. It wears me down. It makes me tired. It is kind of blackening my thoughts.
 Where we are is like this: We are somewhere in the third step. Little did I know that Step 3 has two parts? Yeah we get the Prov App and then we have to wait and contact the National Visa Center for confirmation of this approval and ask when they sent it along to the US Consulate in China, THEN we wait for a letter to tell us this in writing ( so I am unclear as to why I am told to stalk the NVC) so ok, we get the letter that re-states approval and has the date that we already know on it and we send that to Colorado so THEY can send it to China for someone to carry into either the the US Consulate or some other agency (?) there and THAT.... That person carrying a packet of things into some place is what STARTS the Travel Approval Process for China's end. So since May 2 we have been waiting for someone to verify an already existent Approval and send a redundant letter.
Holy Shepard of Judea!
Please to someone 'splain why this is?
Anybody?
No?
Alright.
There is good news. A Hobbit is going to come and steal my precious list from me and I will have to stalk him all of the way to Mordor, and...
Just kidding.
My guesstimation for STEP 3 was the second week in June. HA! If this radical speed keeps up, we may see Liam before he's shaving.
( Now listen Fates of Adoption. I am only kind of kidding here. Please don't punish a woman for being a bit bitter after watching a little Chinese boy the same age as her son toddle about the park all afternoon. Don't slow us up because I am a bit heartsick and venting. I am sorry his little red cheeks reminded too much of the son I am not yet holding. Please get us there. Please. He needs us.)

Play at the Park Day

Please note the expression on Brev's face while riding the bouncy dino thingy. He said "Hey? hey? beam? Are we pupossed to be having fun on dis fing?"

Bravado

Last night was the first of a two night stay for Brevin. Yes we kidnapped him from Chez Smokewood.
Things have been going pretty well. Lots of playing in the kitchen and some sword fighting with minor injuries but, I'm sure as soon as they get the whole "blocking" thing down they will hit each other in the face much less often. I digress...
At lunch today I was informed of something. Brevin wanted to stay FIVE nights here, not six or four but, FIVE. He was very clear on this point. He said it loud and proud, with lots of grins and giggles even. He even told his Mommy on a phone conference in the afternoon.
Then evening came.
And bedtime rolled around.
And Brevin's story changed.
He no longer wanted to stay five nights. He only wanted to stay this one more night.
He wanted to call his Mommy and, from what I can tell, it was only to let her know that, indeed, his mind was changed. He was coming home tomorrow. I have a sneaking suspicion that this needed to be cleared up because, 3 minutes after both his Mommy and I agreed (for the 90th time) that he could go home tomorrow, that there was no contract, implied or otherwise....
He fell asleep.

Meanwhile Evelyn is tossing about and has decided that she may need our bed tonight as her room is too hot and Brevin hugs her too much. ( Not gonna happen but I give her points for the Dramatic effort).
They are co-sleeping in a tent in the middle of her room with 3 fans blowing on them. And, true to their very different natures, he's under 2 blankets and she is half naked and sighing over the hellish heat that is torturing her.