I'm Off...

To go pick Evelyn up from her days of rulelessness and staying up late, baking cookies, playing Piggly Wiggly, bossing Brevin and making Aunt Melissa feeling stupid as many times as possible....
or I may just take a nap in this quiet house.
Who am I kidding?
Yes, the break has been nice. Yes I had a nice time with the Hubster.
But there has been this underlying blanket of anxiety and just missing "something".
Yes it has been nice to be able to string more than a half a thought together in my head.
But I have missed that sweet soft voice and her "Ariel" singing.
Yes I could just climb the stairs and plop into bed at night with minimal fuss, whenever I wanted.
But there was no warm, tiny body to snuggle with. There was no looking at her asleep and quiet.
Yes I was able to Crochet and not re-start the counting fifty times.
But there was no one here to "crochet" with me or try her hat on when it was done.
Yes I slept without the sound of a monitor buzzing in my ear.
But I had horrible dreams and could not hear her sweet little sighs as she turned over in the night.
Yes it is time for The Bean to come home.
BUT...maybe I will just nap a bit after all.....
___________________________________________________________________
I realize that I need to work on being away from Bean a bit. I know that it is not wrong to have some alone time and let her have time with her Aunt and Grandparents. I think we need to do this a bit more. Not that I need to be "used" to be without her around, it's just that I think my anxiety level when she is somewhere else is a bit much actually. I have a hard time letting go, even a little bit. So there may be a bit more of this in the future. I have a hard time admitting that I am a bit strung out and could use help. I need to get better at that too.
I find myself calling my sister up too many times a day when Ev is there and trying to insert myself into what they are doing. God Bless Melissa, she understands and patiently reassures me a hundred times. Well, maybe our version of reassurance is off..... She says things like "I know! I know ! We got it! I am not afraid of her I am an "Elaine" too" or " hey, this is my house, my rules just chill". So yeah she's my sister and an "Elaine"- so that's re-assurance alright.
I love that the reassurance and Faith that I get form my family is it's own , weird version of how others do those things. We are upfront and mouthy and it just works for us. I love it.
I had a very strange experience the first night that Ev was gone and my family- my whole family was everything that I needed. My Mom handled things beautifully for me and my Sister was a rock. I will never be comfortable or able to explain here what happened, I just wanted to say publicly that I appreciate my family and how we are together and how they deal with my weirdness.

For those of you that didn't get the Elaine references, let me explain. My sister is named after our Aunt, Tanya Elaine. So my sis is Melissa Elaine and Evelyn is Evelyn Elaine. They are all three great in every way. They are bossy, headstrong, organizational guru's, funny and bright. They all three take up the whole room wherever they are. They are Elaines. That's the only way to put it.

Listen. Do you hear that?

You don't hear a thing? Well, neither do I.
Les is at work and Evelyn has gone to Aunt Melissa's for, not one, but two nights. A "two spend over" as she calls them.
Now, I love my daughter. In fact, I couldn't love her more of I made a conscious effort to. But man, can that kid talk. I may have mentioned this before?
She talks non-stop. There is NEVER a break. And it's not light, regular 4 year old conversation. It's intense extremely intelligent 4 year old conversation that requires constant vigilance and intelligent responses on my behalf. It can be exhausting.
I know that she will be well taken care of and Aunt Melissa has lots of fun stuff planned, as a matter of fact Evelyn could not wait for the exchange to take place so she could be off with Lissa and Brevin. And I?
I will have a few hours of absolute quiet this afternoon, then a real, honest to goodness, "honey I shaved" kind of date with my husband. Tomorrow I will have my class for 8 hours and I swear by all that is Holy if it wasn't the Cardiac Lecture, I would totally skip it and spend hours upon hours with just me and Les.
I have been missing my husband lately. Which may seem kind of silly as really we spend alot of time together but mostly our time is with Ev included. We spend an hour or two together in the evenings thru the week but that's about all we get. I love my husband, he is absolutely the second half of me. I am looking forward to some time with just us.

Copper

Okay, let me preface this with the following : I actually like Police Officers and respect the job they do- I couldn't do it. I even kind of know one cool chic who is a Po-Po and I think she may be uber cool (Hey Special K).
However I met a Cop today that just about turned my opinion completely around. First of all he was short. A short male cop, can you get where his attitude was?
So okay I WAS speeding. I get that. That's the job, you gotta bust a speeding Mama once in awhile to break up that whole Domestic Violence/Drug Addict/Murder/Theft thing they get going on.
BUT do not give me a ticket while grinning at me. GRINNING. And then proceed to explain what a great guy you are because you are not seizing my completely current and up to date NC tags and leaving me in the street with my 4 year old while you have my tagless truck towed. DO NOT TRY TO INTIMIDATE ME AND MAKE ME FEEL STUPID. Just give me the ticket and get the hell out of my face. Really. And then to grin the whole time? Too much. Also? UM???? Soldiers and Sailors Act? Hello?????
So great morning that was. Ev missed her Gymnastics because of this and she is , ummm how shall we put it?....Pissed. I got the ticket at approximately 10:25 am - it's now 2:09 pm and we have yet to have a conversation on any other subject but missed appointments, traffic laws, police procedure, and the License Bureau. She even got 2 new pairs of summer shoes today but barely noticed due to the in depth Ticketing Trauma. Ticket as punishment? She never heard of such a thing. She is insulted. She is betrayed. How can there be tickets that are not good?!?!
Thanks Mr. Police Officer.

The Sum of Our Knowledge

I have one of those bright, yellow, ruler like growth charts. It came in a group stuff inside a "memory box" activity thing that someone gave us for Christmas. I got that thing out tonight and I thought "oh this is just bright paper, why oh why did I never get one of those beautiful fabric ones" So I went about rounding up prior heights on Ev and I started marking them down. Half way through, I remembered why I never had one of those things. There is a huge gap in our knowledge of her beginnings.

The hits just keep coming I guess.

I was NOT going to do another "oh we have issues" post but here it is.

We have issues.

I can sum up in one small paragraph, the information that we have concerning her first 10 months. I know where she was found, what they named her, that she had a "note", that she was ruddy, that, at some point she went to the hospital for "diarrhea" and had an IV placed in her scalp- though I have no idea how long she stayed or if anyone was with her, I have one set of measurements. I have 6 pictures of her ( 2 referral, 2 post referral, a picture taken for her adoption paperwork before we met her and I have her finding ad picture). That's it. Oh I have the " she sleeps...she eats.... she poops...." stuff but nothing that will help fill in the real blanks for her later. When she was handed to me, she came with the clothes on her back, and an old, scratched up bottle- nothing else. No more pictures, no special toy, no further stories.

So that big old growth chart? That is entirely blank -until her 4 mos info at 58 cm. I thought oh , well, 4 mos, that not too bad a gap. Then I looked at that distance and realized how small she was to be in the world alone. 58 cm and on her own for several more centimeters. I was too silly to write down her length on Gotcha Day- it is recorded on our video so I will look that up. That is what I know from her China days.

The sum of my knowledge of her since they put her in my arms? THAT information is written in my blood, in my bones, in my soul, in my heart. It is too much information to ever comprehensibly write down. It is love and smiles and warm breezes shared, it's kites on the beach and tickles from Papa whiskers, it is Christmas mornings and Birthdays too hot to tolerate, it's the way she looks in the morning, the way she laughs, her generosity, her faithfulness, her imagination, her particular ways, certain turns of her head, all of her food preferences and all of those million things that make up a single day- let alone 4 years of joy that we have had with her. I know when she walked for the first time, it was from Leslie to me in our living room, I know her first English words, I vividly remember her first tantrum.

The knowledge that counts, really counts for us as family and our future together?

Our love and respect for her. My soul crushing, breath taking love for that tiny brown body, those snapping dark eyes, that shiny hair, that tinkling laugh.

In then end, for us, her parents- not a bad trade. I just hope that we can fill up the rest of her centimeters with enough love to make up for the ones we missed.

I Waited So Long For This

Talking -very long post.

I haven't posted in a few days as I have been digesting some conversations and feelings. I wasn't even sure that I was going to talk about this- I don't want to be seen as jumping on any bandwagon -or focusing on negatives -or being dramatic. I like to be honest though. And quite frankly when I was JUST home with Evelyn and struggling, it helped so much to read the blogs of other mothers who were, or had struggled with things- so this is a sort of repayment and hopefully I can help in some small way, other families.
I have been following the blogs of some wonderful families who just got the referrals of some very beautiful babies from Jiangxi. I don't know what it is, but reading about little girls coming right out of the same province as Ev always makes me a bit more prone to remembering- both idle remembering and deep emotional memories that come out in sleep or hit at odd moments. Maybe it's the physical similarities. Maybe it's knowing that one of them could very well be biologically related in some way to Ev. I don't know. Then there is one particular blog where the Mom is having some attachment issues and she is talking frankly and openly in such a loving and thoughtful way, she too got me thinking and wondering.
Initially I was just remembering things with Evelyn. Then I started worrying about my second child. I mean, we have already been there with Bean but, I know I will be "going there" again and knowing that each child reacts differently and at different levels of intensity was leaving me a bit .....nervous. I would like to say that I don;t worry for MYSELF, I worry that I won't be good enough or smart enough or see what I need to see to help her.
Then I thought "oh this is silly" it's not time to get worked up yet, stop planning actions and what you would/will say in these times. Just get on with it.
I have recently added a "therapy" with Evelyn that seems to be helping her over some of her issues and I was thinking that I shouldn't borrow trouble. It seems that once again somebody, somewhere knew that I would be having a difficult conversation with Ev and that I needed to be primed.
Then, the other night, we were in the bathroom and Evelyn transformed in front of me. She got pale and she pulled herself in (like hunched up) and her eyes got huge and she said "when no one lived in houses, how did you know that I was in China? How did you know that you needed to get me? There were no homes". I have to say that I was a dismal failure at first, I could not wrap my mind around what she was asking particularly. Every question I asked would make her more and more frustrated and I couldn't seem to find the words that she needed. I had to leave the room several times to cry and pull myself together and then get right to it. Eventually I said to her "Evelyn do you think you remember living in a place that was not a home?" Her face closed right up, you could see the doors in her eyes slam shut and she said "NO", then she began to act VERY silly and happy. That acting silly to deflect is what she does when she is most stressed.
I know that she has deep memories of her time alone in China. She has, a couple of times, said things that I KNOW come from those times. These things are always shocking and sad and painful- for me- I can not even imagine the pain that she has sometimes. (all of the time? most of the time? is it all just a part of her?) Well, her previous statements made it so that I watch for her to say things so I can talk with her or let her know that we are with her now. SO i wanted to address the things she was saying the other night but I just couldn't get to where she was.
After she acted silly a bit, I tried to gently re-direct her and she said "just tell me something from China Mama- something funny, something with the three of us in it". So I obliged. I told her, her favorite story of how we met and how frantic I was (this story has become increasingly amusing for her as she is now old enough to get just how nutty I can be) and we laughed. And we hugged. Then she said "I am done talking about this now" I said okay. I then put her to bed, the whole time I could see that she was still stressed and sad and anxious and to be truthful, I was in the exact same shape (and so was Les).
After I was downstairs talking with Les for awhile, and crying and raging against circumstances in Ev's life before us- it hit me. I KNEW in a single flash what she was talking about. And I knew what to say to her. I raced up the steps and I approached that tiny lump under the covers, I slid into her bed and hugged her and I told her. I told her that I thought that SHE thought that because she didn't live in a home before she was adopted - that she though NO ONE that she knew had a home before she was adopted. (because at one point she mentioned that "all of them" her family - before they had houses). I explained that we did live in houses before that time. That when we adopted her and brought her home her changed her life so dramatically and in such a big way that, I think that she thinks, everyone's life must have changed in that exact way at that exact time. I told her that, that day we met her, those changes were for her. That was the day she got to live in a house." You know what? ALL of the tension left her body, she smiled big at me, she grabbed on to me and said "yep that's what I meant Mama- you did it". Then we giggled some more and hugged alot more and I left, knowing that she would sleep well.
How hard was it for me to say,essentially, "no you were the only one without a home". I will never be able to communicate the difficulty of that -never. How hard was it for me to realize that even though she didn't quite get the enormity of it the other night, that some day she will? It was enough for her the other night just that I could figure out what she meant and that I could talk with her about the scariness of that. How wonderful is she, that she was comforted by the fact that her family always had homes, that they didn't live like she did? I did tell her at one point that "as long as there have been babies in the world, their Mama's have known how to find them. I found you with my heart and I will keep you all your life" that seemed to help her in the midst of the confusion and she thought about that statement for a few long moments.
I have tried to educate those closest to us about attachment and abandonment issues. I am not sure if any one really gets it though. It's like you have to be the Mama and the Papa and see them in those dark, quiet moments to really understand. It is so easy to just go on and see those daytime/playtime smiles and think that there is no problem. That they are "healed" or "fine". The truth is that for these girls, showing these fears is so incredibly hard that they will NEVER let anyone but the parents see it. We can not fix them. We can only love them and try to understand what they feel.
I love my daughter. I do not spend every moment of the day looking for these things. We, as a family , do not spend time shoving the adoption and China into every moment. We talk when she asks about it. I try to establish that I am her Mama forever that I will always be with her. We try to be "normal". It's just that some days she remembers or some days her trust issues are more evident and we deal with it then. I try to be age appropriate, I try to tell her what I know, what I feel. I try to talk so that she can see that I am proud of her and where she came from, that I, in a small way, understand.
What else can I do?

Park Monkey

Since I am still under the weather.... yes the wheezing death has settled into a full blown, face swelling, head splitting, eye aching, hair hurting sinus infection....anyway.... I am still not myself and we haven't been doing much so here are some pictures from the park the other day. This is Bean's fave place to play right now, she loves all of the climbing and the tall slides. I wish you could hear it, she lets out this loud as hell, high pitched scream while going down the slide. The whole way down. Each and every time.


P.S. Mom don't worry. I have a Dr's appt on Thurs
P.P.S Jodi just so you know I now have a swollen face and I need a haircut and you will look gorgeous. You should be ashamed.

Breaking News.....

In a bold move today, an area family headed out for a day at the park. This would have been an ordinary day at this wood chip lined play area but other locals were not amused by this particular family stopping by. This family has been struggling, allegedly, with the recent onset of Space Zombie Virus and it's affects. One vocal soccer had the following comment " I mean really! Here they are in broad daylight, no shame! Shouldn't they be in Quarantine or something? What about my children?"
SZM (Space Zombie Mom) had the following to say for herself " Well, we haven't started eating each other yet so I think it's just a cold, a bad cold. What am I supposed to do? Sit at home and watch my 4 year old go slowly mad?"
It seems the parents have been hit the worst from this virus as the child in the home is known to have the constitution of an Ox. SZK (Space Zombie Kid) it seems, has only had a day of feeling "tired' and looking pale while the parents have been , well, sick as dogs. SZK has been left t entertain herself for a few days now and can not tolerate one more viewing of The Little Mermaid so the parents decided to break isolation and head out.
As of this writing the CDC has published the following announcement " It seems that this family is not suffering from Space Zombie Virus, it's just plain old Tanzanian Wheezing Death- so no biggie, they can go to the park if they want"






Here you see TWD Family- formerly known as SZF. It seems they might survive and have not infected all of Ohio with rash play time decisions.

Still Sick

Here we are- alive after all. Except that Les has retreated to the bedroom after 2 and a half days with Ev alone while he was sick. I am not sure when we can expect to see him and I am starting to worry. I mean, someone HAS to drive to the store and I am hopped up on OTC cold meds and the last time I drove like this, I sort of, ummm, did some damage to the body of the Neon......so......

Space Zombies!!! In Cleveland?!?!!

Okay, so I was thinking about that last entry and how, if you didn't know me, it could be taken ALOT of ways. But how, if you KNEW me then your only conclusion would be- Space Zombie Virus Hits Cleveland Via Detroit. Stick with me.
If you know me and my love of all things Apocolyptic and know that I LOVE to plan out what I would do in a Zombie Attack, AND you have been exposed to the kind of high level sci-fi that I love you would read that previous entry and say to yourself "Self, those D's have gone and contracted a form of SZV (space zombie virus) and it would be wise to steer clear of them and...maybe I'll stock up on shot gun ammo"
'Cause you know in the movies the Uber Cool Space Dudes are sent out to eradicate some nuisance or figure out why the sat links went down? And then they get there and everyone is like "Okay let's get this shit situated so we can go experience leave on Alta Prime (a planet made entirely of beaches and stocked with girls gone w!ld)? Then the next thing you know, the geeky medical guy has an entry in the Space Log about how one team member is sick but, huh- we will get this done and head off to Alta Prime? And then the very next Space Log entry is a video entry where there is Zombie Death and mayhem in the background before it goes all staticy?
That could be us.
We are almost out of O.J and eggs here......
Someone send help........
Earth?........
arggghhhh snarggleee beeearghhh gggrrroooaaannnnnn.......
STATIC

Under The Weather

Two weeks ago, Leslie went to Detroit.
He brought us all gifts.
Gifts from Detroit.
Germs.
Detroit Germs.
Nasty, cruddy, "I hope that I will pass out from the overload of snot in my head and come-to, only when snot-free survival is imminent" germs. Germs that are making me wonder if I will succumb to this disease and wither and die. Germs that make me all whiney and wimpy and impart the absolute knowledge that no one, no where has EVER had a cold this bad. I, Michal, have the worst cold ever known to man. The CDC should be here studying me or giving me high level, new, men in black type drugs to help me along(either to death or health I don't particularly care at this point).
Please note that we are all three sick at the same time.
Leslie has called off for 1 and a half days of work this week and he NEVER does that. He says to me "wait until it moves down to your chest" like that's supposed to infuse me with hope and light. Like that is supposed to make me jump up and scramble HIM an egg? He brought this plague upon us, technically, I would be with in my rights to burn him at the stake. Right? RIGHT?!?!?! (I thought so) He does not get a scrambled egg from me!!!
The Bean is pale and headachy.(she does still rate a scrambled egg as she did not INTRODUCE this interloper)
Please note that I, the MOTHER am suffering the worst. I have the most ear pain, the worst head ache, the most congested sinuses, the most aches in my body, the most watery eyes, the loudest sneezes, and my spine seems to have turned into a long jello jiggler. So there.
(It's true I am quantifiably sicker than the rest)
(I am sick I tell you. Sick.)
We are existing on O.J. and scrambled eggs because that's all me and/or Les can handle.


PS "Typhoid Phil" as I have been calling him, did eventually get an egg. It was just that I had some left over. Not that I felt sorry for him , sitting there all pale and coughy. It's not like I appreciate his million apologies. It's not like he cleaned the down stairs while I was napping (sleeping in a drug induced haze). SHEESH!

Brief Easter Re-cap

There was fun. There was food. There was candy. There was egg hunting. There was family.

Anticipation

I wasn't going to be posting until after the weekend because we have a bunch to do and I wanted to focus on just enjoying the time. However I felt I must add a note about The Bean's Anticipatory State. There are two , only two days a year where candy becomes free range food and the word "no" never passes my lips when it comes to chocolate. Those days are Halloween and Easter. Bean is stoked!! I think that she is more excited for this weekend than anything -ever. She is running -running -about the joint, chattering and making plans. An occassoinal shudder of delight courses through her body as she imagines the goodies and treats, the egg hunts and bright foil wrapped chocolate money (one her most favorite things ever), the family and food. She wants to see her Grandparents and cousins, she wants to dye eggs, she wants to hide eggs and find eggs, she wants Deviled eggs to eat, she wants jelly beans and peanut butter eggs. She wants a pastel basket full of small gifts and chocolate. In short, she wants everything that I have hidden and at the readyor that I have planned. I even have some things ready that haven't occurred to her yet like a mini-mancala game and new sunglasses, stickers and A GIANT ROLL OF PINK TICKETS!!! Real honest to goodness tickets- she will be so thrilled, now she won't have to make her various tickets by hand! She will have her very own official roll of tickets- I can not wait to see her face when she sees those.
Tickets?
Why yes. Bean is obsessed with paper and tickets and receipts. Have I mentioned that? I will probably want to burn those tickets inside of two days because I am sure that she will hand them out for EV.REEE.THANG. But she will have fun.
I hope the Easter Bunny is good to all of you and finds you well.
We are off to lay in supplies for the feasting and merry making.

Happy Easter 2009

It's Easter. You know what to do.
Eat jellybeans.
Get that plastic grass all over the house.
Stop cat at least 500 times from eating that plastic grass.
Eat chocolate bunnies- starting at the ears.
Eat those marshmallow chicks - but only after they get stale.
Feast.
Dress the kids up and torture them with prolonged photo sessions.
Hide eggs.
Forget one egg until the rotting smell helps you locate it- 3 months from now.
Watch children scramble to find the eggs (all but 1 that is-see above).
Enjoy your family.
Remember that even if it's 30 degrees- it's still Spring.
Proceed. But don't blame me for the weight gain and indigestion.

P.S. I used this picture of Peter Rabbit because around here he is the absolute bee knees right now. Evelyn has discovered Beatrix Potter and loves every story, but especially naughty Peter. She walks around going "kirtsy-choo!" all of the time. I love these stories and I am so glad that they are becoming dear to her. AND she wants chamomile tea- real bad.
If you haven't seen that movie Miss Potter about B. Potter's life- you should, it was quite enjoyable.

Does It Feel Different?

Does it feel different to me to be waiting for this child? Yes and No.
I feel the same heart pounding anxiety to see a face, to have a name, to have an anchor for all of my love and worries. But there is a difference.
This time, there is a bit of sadness. I KNOW that we will all be okay. I KNOW that love grows to encompass all. I KNOW that Bean will be better off with a sibling. BUT a part of me gets a little sad when I think of how her life will really change. There will be the sharing of the parents- something completely foreign to her. There is also the fact that the Youngest will not have that intense 1 child, two parents sort of attention that Bean has had for 4 years. It passes quickly though to be replaced by imagined afternoons at the park. The knowledge that they will have each other. Knowing how very lucky I am to be able to have TWO children. My God there was a time in my life when I thought that I would never, ever have one child and now? Now I get to have two?!?! What have I done to be so lucky?
I have also done this before. You know how they say "ignorance is bliss"? I believe that applies to International Adoption. In my mind I know that when I hear a wail in the night, this time I will KNOW what it is. I will see the hard things that Ev went through but this time I will not be a Starter and I think I will feel that pain more acutely. I will simply know.
Also, this time we are going Special Needs so I KNOW that I will be getting a baby that will be.......I am trying to say this without sounding , I don't know...... I just know that Youngest will have immediate and apparent medical needs. I pray every night that I will be able to provide the exact care and love that she will need while we are in China, so far from everything we know. That she won't have waited her entire life for a Mother that fails her even before she sets foot in her HOME.
This is all academics anyway.
My heart? That feels the same. Exactly.
Like I have taken a deep breath in, and will not be able to let it out until my arms circle around the newest Love. My second child.
I am waiting.
I am waiting.

I think of those I know who have been waiting for almost as long as I have had Ev and I feel a bit like a cheater or a wimp or that I have no right to be in that Waiting Mama Club. The truth is, you can't help it. As soon as your heart opens and you make room for that child in your mind and heart- 20 seconds is too long. It's too long.
We are all waiting.
The Mothers.
The Fathers.
The Sisters and Brothers.
The Babies.

A View Into My Head

I was driving down the road today, returning home from having the Pediatrician flush a field of potatoes outta Bean's ears. I was flipping through radio stations and had to FINALLY settle on the ending strains of that John Mayer song "Your Body is a Wonderland". Hoo-kay folks. I can't stand that dude. I never could, I never will. I hate every song that he has subjected the public to. This got me to thinking about how you can match first impressions up with musical tastes and then you will definitively know about a person.
Example: I started a new nursing job in New York along with another nurse- S. S seemed pretty cool but a little off. Then I heard her going on and on about this Mayer a-hole and I was all like "oh I better watch out for this one". Sure enough she ended up being a Dilaudid junkie and stealing from the Narc lock up- and did this on her off-going, MY on-coming shift and if I hadn't been on my game I would have been the one to take the fall for the missing junk.
See what I'm saying? You never can tell. But you can if you just take into account musical interests.
I am not saying that anyone who likes Mayer is a junkie. I am just saying that you can tell alot about a person by the music they love. Also if all other things are cool, you can overlook- say the fact that a person likes Rush. I do that everyday with my husband.
See how tolerant I am?

5 Minutes

Here are a few of the expressions that The Bean can put on in a five minute period. This first is an actual pout because she told me "only one picture" and I told her that I was the Mama and I said how many pictures. This is also the face that she wore all morning before Gymnastics as she was trying out a power thing and kept stating that she didn't want to go.

This is mid-giggle as we were talking about Boogers.
Is this not the cutest profile in the world? I LOVE that tiny nose.
Just sweetness, this is the look she wears when she is trying to convince me that she really needs some Jelly Beans or something like that.
Ornery. This one is just her ornery face.


This is a full belly laugh. I am not going to tell you what I had to do to get this one.


Making fun plans. Here she was plotting where she was going to hide and jump out at her Papa when he comes home today.

Her most "worn" look, this is just her in conversation. oh yeah. She went to Gymnastics and was very glad that she did. She never could tell me WHY she was saying that she didn't want to go. It was a tough morning for me, riding that line between "listening" to your kid and realizing that she is being a poop. I finally realized that she heard me on the phone last night, talking about how much she loved it and I thought "hum, she is just attempting to control things." Because you know what? She really gets uncomfortable when people know that she likes something, that something then will be the last thing that she wants. I din't yell or anything, I just talked with her a bit and then made the call and said "well, you are going." She went into her room and closed the door. When I didn't respond to that, she came to me and told me that she would be in the computer room "thinking about things , like how her Mama always tells her what to do" I said "hey that's a good idea. It's always good to think things over" She left in a huff. BUT by the time we needed to leave, she was her old self again.
HA!
Battle Score
Mama: 1 Bean: 5,645 (hey, I'm learning!)

What's with that Red Thread? And the Ladybugs?

Families adopting from China have grabbed this Chinese Legend/Saying/Belief. We have done so because the imagery is beautiful and that thought is especially comforting to a waiting and wondering heart. It is quite common for Waiting Mama's to wear Red Thread Bracelets (mine has been on for about two weeks now and will not come off until I meet my youngest child in China). You need all of the help you can get some days when you are waiting and worrying and wondering.


The Ladybug is a good luck symbol in China. This was enough to make them a popular theme for adopting families. Then one year there was some sort of hold up on a whole batch of referrals, I can't remember why. Then one day a few of the waiting families had these massive Ladybug invasions and they jokingly said , I think, "hey ladybugs are good luck, what if this means our referrals are coming?" The next day, referrals came. That's why adoptive families- particularly the ones waiting to go to China- get all worked up about the ladybugs. Now I may have this story wrong, it may be an Urban Legend among us. Who knows. They are cute and make a good a symbol as anything else. Some people do find this theme offensive and objectifying though. I am not a total lady bug crazed person myself, but they always catch my eye.

Bullets

• It is Spring in Ohio. I know this because of the racking pain in my head from my Sinuses. This is not fun. I would love to go on and on about the pain and nausea- really I would. But in the end it doesn't make it go away. Also, if you are a fellow Sinus Sufferer , you get it- if you're not, you don't- and never will.
• After reading about them on another blog- I tried a Neti Pot. You know where you make a salt solution in a tea pot looking thing and then "flush" your sinuses. I can sum that experience up in one word- interesting. It was so interesting that I have yet to repeat the performance even though it gave me a small measure of relief.
• We played at the park for 3 hours the other day. We ended up staying so long because there was another Chinese girl there and she and Ev were like magnets. They found each other immediately, and stayed connected all day. I talked the afternoon away with the other little girl's Mama, she has been in this country for 5 years.
• I am still trying to sort out some of the things I felt that day at the park. The other little girl, S we will call her, was a full year younger than Ev and weighed about 12 pounds more and was taller. My emotions were all over the place, some good , some sad. It will take me awhile to sort things out.
• S has a sister, C. C is 16 months old and she was so much like Ev at that age it was amusing. C wanted to play with me really bad. But she wouldn't let herself. She would do that "turning to stone" face that Ev used to do and shut down. It was quite cute and funny and I now know why the child given to me acts like that sometimes- because I respect it and understand it. I mean Ev ran her Grandpa thru the mill- for WEEKS before she would freely interact with him.
• "ABBSALENTLY" , that's one of Ev's new words. I believe that is is an amalgam of the words absolutely and accidentally. That's just the way she uses it too. For either meaning.
• "NEVER" for some reason this one is now a favorite word too. For example "Billy never, never chew my paper again" or " when I ask her if she wants , say a pancake, she will answer "never" when in fact she will want said pancake in t-minus 45 seconds.
• Trying to find a digital watch that fits the smallest 4 year old wrist in the history of man in nearly impossible.
• I have eaten all but one of the Reese Cup Eggs that I bought for the Easter Basket. And the jelly beans are nearly decimated too, but I had help with those.
• I have fully accepted the yoke of paperwork for my youngest. I now just sigh and start filling the blanks with black ink. See? It didn't take that long to break me.
• The repeat Fire Inspection is Wed. - while I am at class. This was not a coincidence. I honestly don't want to beat the crap out of a Fireman. So Leslie can handle them this time.
• My Dad's knee surgery is Thursday. Hang on Dad!!!! At least it's not another abdominal surgery!! That's something. Plus Bean will be there to guide you safely back to recovery.

Why?

Why can't they stay like this forever? Or at least long enough that is doesn't feel like they are growing at the speed of light? Why can't I keep her with me forever?