The Real Story

OK. Here it is.

The real story. Where I am and what I am feeling.

Riveting, I know.

It's just that, well, this is hard and I try and try and then I falter and then I have to pull myself back up and I want other AP's who are waiting out there to see that someone else is struggling.

I am dealing with a few things. Our life is essentially on hold. I am grieving for the loss of babies--babies in my arms. I am grieving for my son. I am longing for him to be home with us. I am tackling every day life in the middle of a home re-do project from hell.

Mostly I start feeling down and sad and then feeling guilty and ungrateful for being sad and down. So that's fun. Mostly it is so difficult for me to be around anyone right now, it takes every scrap of energy I  have to smile and keep track of conversation. I spend every day, all day, feeling exhausted and drained.

Having your life on hold and longing to do any single thing that is concrete for your child is awful. Sure you can buy clothes and things but, really then you just have this stuff around that's waiting for him. You can get the room ready but then it sits empty. You can read books and try to prepare but mostly they scare the beejeezus outta you. 

I have come to the conclusion that my grief over infertility is there. It will more than likely always be there. The new revelation is that it is completely separate from my children and my love for them. Grief over infertility does not mean that you are ungrateful and just can't see your blessings. It means that your heart is broken and will always have that scar. It's funny though, this pain. It prevents me from doing things like holding babies or even being able to be in the same room as a pregnant woman without being in acute pain.  Gut wrenching pain. I was never able to really and truly hold my nephew when he was a baby, my heart would ache so awfully, that it was physically painful. I dared not attempt any sort of care taking for him, lest my desire to truly take over his care, overwhelm me and leave me devastated. Some have said to me, "You know, God knew what he was doing when he made it so you adopted, because you can't deal with babies" . If they only knew. ( This means that the baby shower I am going out of state to attend this week end should be a real treat in land mine avoidance. That doesn't mean I don't want to go. I do and it will be fun. It's just that there will be nightmares and sorrow afterwards, also a whole lot of God Questioning.)

I have been inundated with feeling for my son since Jan 5.  Then this makes me relive the times with Ev when her grief was so close to the surface.   I know that he will be loved and that, eventually we will have him as healthy as he can be , both physically and  emotionally. It's just that there has to be so much to go through for him until he is there. I know that. I know that meeting us in China will only be the newest hurdle in his life. This constant influx of emotions cause this deep, deep need to MOVE, to prepare, to GO . . . then you have to back down. You have to stand down and live with the fact that any real preparation has to wait until only China knows when. It's exhausting. Mostly it's me here, worrying about his well fare there. Me here grieving his grief.

This whole let's-distract-ourselves-from-the-wait-by-completely-redoing-the-whole-downstairs-area? Not so bright of an idea after all. Like Les said "We effectively removed any scrap of comfort we had left." Nowhere to relax. No couch or chairs--it's all moved and stored away so the floors could get done. Eating on the kitchen floor, living in the basement? Fun. Hey it will all look awesome though and I am so glad that we did it before we got home with the walking 2 year old. 

There is also joy. Unimaginable joy. In my daughter. In the thoughts of the son to come. In my husband. I am looking forward to getting the house done and then we will have, for the first time  ever, a house that is exactly how we want it. In my family who understands this journey so much and who is always ready to listen to me dream and cry. 

I think it's living with the two extremes of human emotion in my heart, every moment of the day that wears me out so much. 

I start to worry that I am morbid. Morose. Depresssive. Then I read other blogs with posts like Loss or Pretty picture and I see that no, I am where we all are.

Waiting and exhausted. Joyful and sad. Ready and waiting.

My heart a-tangle of all the good and all the grief and me here in the center trying to make sense of it all.
And get dinner on the table. 

Charity Begins At Home

I love my daughter, this is true. I am not afraid to admit it.
Sometimes though she comes up with these games that just drive me nuts.
NUTS!
It used to be the "Restaurant Game".

Now it's....wait for it....
Salvation Army Coin Collector.

She gets a bell. And a basket.  Then she gets into my change jar and hands out a healthy amount of change to any adult in a 5 mile radius.  Then she positions herself in a door way and...rings the bell. Continuously.
You have to make up lots of reasons to wander over by her door way and drop change in.
After awhile she gets aggressive, demanding more than you have and informing you where you may have a secret stash.
It's all about helping the poor because " you know Mama not every Mama HAS a kitchen floor to clean."

(Yes I was unashamedly attempting to beg off tonight's round of Salvation Army because I WAS cleaning the floor. No such luck.)

Well, That Went Well and Now I Am Going Somewhere To Cry

Tonight I had a talk with Ev. You know. A TALK.  Not a "you are in trouble" talk, but a "Birth Mother Talk".

She has really spent a majority of her life with us just simply avoiding this issue. Since she is getting a brother and has to face some things that she could ignore otherwise, we have had some pretty indepth talks recently. I have always stopped short of doing the whole "Well you have a birth mother and she couldn't keep you" sort of thing. I figured that when she was ready, she would get to it.
She did.
Tonight she said something like "I wonder why Liam is there and we are here" and I said "well, it was the same for you". Then she got REAL silly and just flitting from one topic to another.
I used words that were given to me just recently by an Adult Adoptee. I said "Ev you may have questions about your time in China and I want you to know that you can always talk to me or Papa about it. Even if it's sad and we cry, even if you get mad, even if you feel nothing at all but just want to have some information. It's all okay."

I thought that would be it. It usually is.
Not tonight. Tonight she had a question.

She said " Ok let's start at the top. How was I born and why was it in China?"

Really? Right out of the gate and this is what I get?

I took a deep, deep breath, a few seconds to Thank God that I have been preparing for thiss for a long time and I said " Evelyn you were born like all other humans. You grew inside your birth mother's tummy and when it was time- you were born. You came into the world." She said "What? I grew somewhere else, with somebody else?" and I said yes. She asked how she got to us and I said" Well once you were born, your birth mother, for whatever reason, could not keep you. She made a decision that led to you being here with us forever"
She then had about a hundred other questions and for all of them my answer was "I don't know"
Because I don't know. Why couldn't her birth mother keep her? Where is her birth mother? What does she look like? Is she nice? Is she dead? Was she sad? I don't know any of that. And I could not find it in me to make up a bunch of soft lies. I told her that I could make some guesses about what happened and that I do think there was love because her birth mother had other choices and this was the one she picked and it was the best one for Evelyn.

I am supposed to remind Evelyn tomorrow that she wants to write a letter to her birth mother. She wants to say "Thank you. I love my family and you were right. It was a good choice"

Updated Info!!!!

Just when you think you might actually go mad with waiting, you get a little something that helps. Today we got these pictures of our "little" man. He is 31 inches tall, weighs 33 pounds and has 15 teeth. He is walking!
I can't stop staring at him. My sister and I think he looks ornery and ready to take on the world. I love that sparkle in his eyes.
I want to meet him desperately.

(By the way his sister who is 5, weighs 29 pounds and is 40 inches tall- so you know. North China versus South China )

Hindsight

I sat in a restaurant tonight with my daughter on my lap and for the very first time in the 5 years that she has been with us, she let me cuddle her in public. She sat there and unabashedly let me stroke her hair and hug her muchly and kiss her. Also the other night at bedtime cuddles she grabbed me and grunted and squeezed and said "Mama, I just can't get close enough!" This is HUGE.
I started remembering bits of our attachment journey and I was knocked breathless by how far she has come. And please let me say that it has been work, and toil, and wonderful, and worth it- but hard. I have had to bust through many walls of protection. We have had to prove our worth over and over again.

Ev came home in May of 2005. It was hard. We lived in Alaska and I was alone with her alot because Les had to work and get Underway and, God my back tenses up just thinking about it all. We were there in AK for 2 months and then we had to move. Across the entire country. We drove. Eight hours a day for 14 days. Then we had to live with my parents for awhile in Ohio. Then we had to move to North Carolina. By the time we were unpacked in NC, Ev had been home with us for almost three months and there had been no consistency. None- not for any of us.
My husband and I were also suffering from Post-Adoption Depression. I had three herniated discs in my neck that caused me severe, constant pain. We had to stay in intimate quarters with family as we tried to navigate these rough waters.
I am saying all of this so you can get an idea of WHY it took me so long to start realizing our daughter needed "attachment work". We had gone so long just trying not to drown that we had no extra efforts left in us.
Was she loved? YES! Was she cared for? YES! Did I regret adopting her? Maybe- in those early days, in my darkest hours but then she would smile at me and I would think, ok we can go on one more day.

A year after settling in, down there on The Banks, we moved again. We were forced to, for financial reasons. It wasn't until our second house there, that I really, sort of "got" that I had some work to do. That Ev was in need of help.
On the surface, we were fine. She was happy, we had routine, she knew that we were her parents. It wasn't severe. She was just fiercely independent. There was no real trust for us in her heart. She would only let us touch her or cuddle her on her terms and, man were they stringent, those terms of hers. When I was finally able to take my blinders off and after we were sufficiently settled, I started in. Alot of what I saw and what we dealt with was on the very lower end of Attachment Issues. Most of the time I had to ask, and still do ask, if what I see, is personality or attachment.
In the spirit of total honesty here's a list of what I think we did right and what we did wrong. This is what I have found for us - it may not be the thing for everyone out there, but here it is.

What we did wrong:

• We had major upheaval in our lives right after bringing Ev home.
• I tried to make it through with blinders on and just believe that Ev was doing great.
• I read her independence as only that and let it go and even encouraged it when I should have been maintaining more control and having her be more dependent on us.
• I succumbed to her terms and never "forced myself" on her. 
• I was a bit too wrapped up in "good behavior".
• I did not seek help with the PAD.
• I had no contact with other International Adoptive families.

What we did right:

• I never ignored the physical things that we needed to fix, such as her nutritional status.
• We did get as much routine and consistency in- that we could fit into that crazy time.
• I let her wean herself off of her bottle.
• We never let her "cry it out"
• We had no tv or big distractions in our home.
• I included her in every part of my day.
• We read books to her every day and night.
• I ran to her every time she was hurt or upset. It took her almost 2 years to start running to me when she was hurt.
• I held her and snuggled her every time she would let me. Every time she would drop her guard.
• I learned to touch her in what I call, low impact ways. Like rubbing her back when she was at my side jibbering or asking for something, taking a long time to put her down when she wanted down, stuff like that.
• We ALWAYS picked her up when she asked- we still do. EVERY time.
• We have never used her room as a negative space.  No punishments there, no left crying there. I have always wanted  her to have a haven that was nothing but positive. Her place. A happy place.
• I eventually instituted "holding therapy". This was snuggle time that I chose that had specific rules on behavior (that was needed because her usual trick to avoid intimacy was to get REALLY silly and giggly). In the end it was this, this "cuddle in Mama's terms" that has done the trick. I started out with short, 5 minute sessions about 4 times a day and these extended and sort of moved around in our daily life until we have what we have now- nightly bedtime cuddles- every night. It can be at night and just at night now because she will seek me out for lap time or cuddle time through out the day now if and when she needs it. 
• We have also never told her a lie- not even those silly things you say to gain easy and quick behavioral compliance like " oh we can't get ice cream the DQ is closed", we just say no and go on. She just gets the truth, even if it's a hard one.
• We also have kept our word religiously, only breaking it if something is way out of our control. 

Let me say that I remember sitting in her room in Hatteras, in a rocking chair, in the dark, with her on my lap, doing 360 degree rolls and being as silly as silly can be, and she is not typically a "silly" kid. Then she would get bad and argumentative or just physically push and kick. I remember being so frustrated and angry, thinking, "Don't you know what I have done for you? You can't even sit here and let me hold you?"Oh I would feel so helpless! And then one night? She was just standing there at the rocking chair and looking at me like "are we doing this?" and I knew I was making progress. 

I remember that she had no idea that she could put her hand to her mouth and insert food when we got her. Looking back I should have run with that and let her stay dependent on us and fed her ourselves (for her good, this is the easiest and best way to facilitate early attachment), but I didn't do that. I promptly taught her to feed herself and thus rendered myself "useless". 

I remember longing to have her on my lap for more than 1 or 2 minutes. I loved her fiercely and I had no concrete way of expressing that. But? I let her take the reins. I let her insecurity and inability to trust run the show. I felt like that U2 song "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"

In the end we're good. I mean, she has really blossomed in these past 6 months. It's amazing to see. She is no longer afraid of letting us hug her or hold her.

 She is almost there.

Carnivore- Black and White Wednesday

This is Ev tearing into her "burrito" yesterday (ok it was a soft taco but she so can't handle a burrito).
As you can see here, she was really laying waste to that thing. I have to laugh because we have cut down our meat intake quite a bit recently and when we were walking towards the restaurant, she said,  "ummmm! It's smells like MEAT!"
For some other fun b&w pics head over to Long Road to China......
                                                

A Day With My Girl

Today Ev and I had a girlie day together. Papa was on duty, no cousins after school, no one but me and The Bean. First we had a quiet morning and then we headed out to Gymnastics. Lunch was at a Burrito Joint ( you know the one). Then we shopped for shoes and got 2 pair, a new dress and 2 movies (plus some stuff for Liam). Then we went off and painted some pottery together. It was a wonderful day, full of conversation and giggles. I let Ev make every decision today, I even turned the truck around on a busy street just so she could scope out a potential pizza joint. I bought the shoes she wanted and I didn't interfere one iota with her painting. I just let the day meander and wash us away. It was sunny and warm. We were free and together. I can not ever remember a nicer day. I know that she feels the same way because tonight at bedtime, I got Mega Monkey MMM-waaas with a little whisper that said "Mama this was the best girlie day ever. I loved it. Thank you"
And that folks, is the perfect ending to a great day with a great kid.

Peddler

I embarrassed myself today.
I was in a parking lot and this woman was peddling Girl Scout Cookies out of her trunk.
I nearly killed myself getting there only to find out that she was all out of Samoas. Then I had no cash for the 2 boxes I needed to make up for the lack of that one box of Samoas. She really didn't want to take a check but when she saw the utter disappointment on my face- she caved.
I may have whined a bit.
 I have discovered that I am not above juvenile tactics when it comes to Girl Scout Cookies.

Yogi Bean

It all started with The Forbidden Kingdom. Then we talked about it. Then we saw Fantastic Mr. Fox, in which a cute little fox does it.
I have also noted The Bean's inability to control her talking at times and so I encouraged it.
What am I talking about?
Meditation of course.
It's Ev's new thing.
It is challenging enough to keep her interested.
She wants to achieve enlightenment. She doesn't know that or what it's called, but she tells me that she wants to get control over her mind and empty it.
So, we have been letting her go at it.
I taught her some basics about breathing and times that she should meditate and she has taken off.
Last night she meditated on the couch after we told her she was being wild and out of control. She sat there and took deep breaths and relaxed. When she opened her eyes she was her non-wild self again.
The bonus is that I get like 5 minutes of non-chatter.
Win-win.


We  are not weird at all.
Right?

The Bangs Are Back

We have been trying to grow Ev's hair out. We were almost there but she was getting more and more resistant to getting her hair "done" and well, she was looking a bit unkempt. I took her for a Day of Beauty yesterday and I decided to get the bangs put back in. She does have the Asian Swirl on the back of her head but it's not too bad and I think that we can keep bangs in without them getting thicker and thicker.

We are all three much happier now. She had her bangs long and they would hang over to the left side of her face in this big hank. That's what I called her "Ev and Hank". Hank had to go.

Her Aunt did not want this to happen. Neither did Grandma. I think they liked Hank.

( You can see evidence of Hank in the Easter photos below. Look at the one with the baskets with her in her pj's _ third one down I think. There you will see Hank. I stand by my decision.)

Corker

Would anyone like to tell me how a little girl so ever lovin' cute could behave like a little malcontent?
Or maybe she was acting a bit more like a diminutive crab apple?
Oh! Maybe she was channeling Oscar The Grouch?
I think that her little body is coming off of her Easter Sugar Shock and that she is all jumblied up.
Either way you put it, she marched to my bedside this morning (very darn early might I add?) and she announced in all her Imperiousness that she was "mad at my Dad. Humph!" Then she cried a little and there were dirty looks cast over at the lump on the other side of the bed. A Papa shaped lump. I knew we were in for a ride then.
Well, I talked her down from that mad, though she did discuss the whole issue- not-so-politically -with Papa when he woke up. It seems that there was talk of watching a certain movie together and then they ended up working in the garage and back yard all evening last night so you know- no movie. THE HORROR.
Then it was time for me to go start laundry. I made this decision after a whole lotta fuss and back and forthing over breakfast. She followed me to the basement and proceeded to act as if the basement needing swept was some sort of morality breakdown on my part.
Sigh.
It's 4 pm right now. I have banished Her Royal Grumpiness to her room for a nap. After a live long day of mouth.
As I understand it, she "is not going to sleep. She is not tired. She is just going to lay there and stare at her ceiling until one hour is up. And by the way what was lunch? Because I don't remember you feeding me."

Maybe she can stare at her ceiling for 2 hours.......

Easter Began with a Slaughter, then It Down Shifted Into Kids Jazzed On Sugar

This was one of the first things that happened on Sunday. This is why Billy lurves Grandma's.

Disclaimer: We usually save the animals if we can. If the animal will survive by the time we know what's happening- Billy looses his prey. 

There was a little of this....

 

Then there was alot of candy.........

Then we dressed the kids up.....

Then I cooked with Mom as Sous Chef and we ate. I did not take pictures of the meal or us eating because I feel that the picture of the cat with the bird in his mouth is graphic enough. There was also Carrot Cake.

Oh! And Just one more picture of Complete Cuteness....

March 27

Friday, April 2, 2010

March 27

You were taken from your family on this day. Your Foster Family, but, did your little heart know the difference? China has moved you into place to get ready for "your adoption process". Huh.
You know nothing about us. You have no real idea what has happened I think. There is just pain and confusion. I mean, I am assuming here. What else could you be feeling?
 Here, half way around the world you are loved. Loved completely and beyond measuring. When you land in my arms - that will be the ticket. I will grab onto you and I will NEVER let go. I will never leave. You will never have to face the loss of a parent again.
My heart already knows yours. I have been sick and grieving for days. Since the 27th in fact. Somehow my heart knew what my mind did not. That you were hurting.
Some day I will have you in my arms here at home. We will be outside.  I will have myself braced against the weight of you and you will be there, warm and real. The sun will be shining and your sister will be talking away at us, and, just for a second she will quiet down and it will be us, quiet and together. Then the breeze will pick up and ruffle your black hair and I will smell your shampoo. And Papa will smile at us because he will see this moment and know it is the one that I have held in my mind to survive this wait. I will have you and we will be a family.
Forever.
Papa. Mama. Sister. Brother.
Father. Mother. Daughter. Son.

Life to be Lived

There is life to be lived. I have a daughter that is here and a life happening around me. I spent all day yesterday, just letting myself feel the pain and anxiety. This is a trick I learned a long time ago. No denial, No "trying to get through". Just feel it. Set aside an alotted time and really feel what you are feeling. When your time is up, you grab your bootstraps and you lift your face and you go on.
I am hurting for my son. Yes indeed. I will continue to do so. But I have a daughter who is here and who is living her last weeks without a sibling. I have a daughter that is happy and excited over Spring and Easter and she is vibrating with life and happiness. I will live these moments with her. I will be here for her.
I knew intellectually that Liam would have to go through that separation. I would have handled it much better if I hadn't had my heart echoing his. But now I know right? Now I have a window. I think, in many ways it was a gift, of sorts. I think when I see him and we have him and things get tough I will be able to look at him and remember what I felt during this time and it will allow me a few more moments of patience. A whole lot more understanding.
So that's where I am.
 And now? The sun is shining and Ev is aching to go to the park. So we shall.

Connected?

For a few days now I have been a MESS. Crying in the shower, chest pains and aches around my heart. Rapid pulse at times. Nausea. High levels of anxiety. I have mostly been able to hold my shit together.  Mostly.
I am actually impressed that I have NOT been Monster Mom with Ev. It has taken Herculean Strength but I have managed.
I wish that I would have said something to Les about what I really thought was going on but, I didn't want him to have another reason to think I am nuts. I thought I WAS nuts. I thought, deep in my heart that something was going on with Liam. I would look at his picture and the pains and breathing would increase and my hands would shake and I would want to puke. This continued until I broke down and e-mailed Love Without Boundaries yesterday. After I e-mailed them to say, hey we are Ao Zhuang's parents, we are wanting to know what we can do for him, etc." Les and I went for a walk in the park. At the park I did say that I knew that whatever was going on with me was linked to Liam's emotions. I thought though that I was worrying ahead, you know about Gotcha Day and all of that.
Today I got a response from LWB. The first sentence was "Oh yes I know Zhuang!" I can not tell you how that made me feel. Then the e-mail goes on to say that Liam/Zhuang has been recently moved from their Foster Care Program, back to the Orphanage.
He was sent back. On the 27th. The day before I was weeping in the shower.
My heart knew that he was in a tough place. My heart was grieving right along with his. I know it was.

My poor boy. All alone through one more huge and awful thing. One more situation to have to get used to. One more situation to marshal the strength to survive. One more thing that I will not be there to hold him through.

In a way it's ok. This does mean that things are moving over there. The system is grinding it's wheels. China knows where he is, they are "moving him into position".  He HAS been cared for. He will be cared for.
Mostly though? Mostly today I am filled with hurt and anger and loss. I can not even imagine what it was like for him to be taken away from the only family he knew. I can not imagine how his Foster Family felt to see him being driven off. I would love to tell them " I will get there. He will be loved.  He will be our special boy. Thank you for holding him when I could not. Thank you for sacrificing a bit of your heart to him."
I think of him now in the orphanage just ...what? What is he doing?
If my heart is any indication he is hurting in an awful way.

If anyone ever doubts that adoptive mothers and fathers have a connection with their children, they should just stop. We do.
 My heart already knows his heart.