And Now the Beach

When Ev was a small fry, we had the enviable luck to have lived on the Outer Banks. Now, while it wasn't our favorite place to live - none of that had anything to do with the beach.
We loved the beach. We went nearly every day, year round.
I loved taking Ev there and watching her mind get blown time and time again. I think having kids at the beach is healthy. Not as in "getting Vit D" or "fresh air" but, all of it. The air, the sun, the wide open space, the water, the sounds, the big birds swooping above, the little shore birds darting back and forth, the smells, the dirt and grit, the cerebellum work out they get from walking in that sand. It's healthy in a way that not only post-insitutionalized children need, all children need it. The air, the freedom, the experience of being there.
It's healthy for the mind and the soul.
Even as adults we remember this. It's not a coincidence that tired, overworked, stressed out adults retreat to the ocean when they can. We long for it deep in out hearts and minds, that peace the ocean brings. That way you feel when you stand on the shore and take in all of that water, swirling and moving, teaming with life and vitality. The in your face reminder that your troubles in life will pass. That we are small as individuals but, as a whole we are a part of something big and grand and singular in the Universe.
And so every day I would pack my little wounded bird of a daughter up and we would head to where the ocean meets the land. We would go for the fun of it, we would go because we could, we would go to find ourselves.
And now I have another little heart in my charge and I find myself missing the ocean and all of Her help.
But The Ocean has sisters.
When you can't get to the Ocean?
Find a Lake.

 Let your son stand in the strong arms of his Papa as the Lake whispers in and tickles his feet. Watch him dig in the sand and get really dirty. Let him watch and hold out his little arm as he holds a discourse on the things he is seeing.
And know that he is healing and having fun and just...being.

Makeover

One of my very favorite bloggers- at  Bushel and a Peck is hosting a blog makeover contest.
I have entered.
I entered because I love her blog and her designs, also because I get a little tired of the "out of the box" layouts that I have used since the beginning. I just don't have the computer chops to figure out how to do that sort of thing myself.
So here's hoping I have a little luck!

Walk in the Woods

Last week ( I can no longer remember the specific day), we loaded Liam and Ev up in the stroller and went for a walk on our local trail.

Liam loved it. He sat there, rapt, in the stroller. Pointing and rah rah-ing over every thing.

We stopped for pictures at a pretty place and eventually Rah Rah fell on his face, in the loam. A brief tragedy to break up the peace of the walk. He was fine, with just a bit of a scrape on his chubby cheek.

Eventually we came upon this huge field and we got him out of the stroller and let him run wild.
I am not sure that he has ever been in nature this way. He seemed so excited but cautious at first.

But before long he was running and hollering. Rolling about on the grass with Papa.

Sitting right there under the open sky, watching clouds and hawks move above him in that bright blue sky.

Of course Ev loved it. She always loves to be out.

She did her fair share of running wild too.

And then don't you know? She found an entrance to a Gnome Home and left a Peace Offering.

Here is to many more days in the sun little guy.

Rah Rah

You may have noticed that the Blog title has been changed.
Liam has his nick name now.
It's not anything that I had in mind, but it has stuck.
Rah Rah.
That's pretty much the sound he makes. For anything and everything.
Rah Rah!
So that's kind of what we call him other than Liam.
We are not being mean, it's all very cute and we love it and we love that about him.
So Rah Rah it is.

Triple Trouble

That's Liam's New "Smile for the Camera" Smile

Magical Thinking?

We had visitors on Wednesday. Gma, Gpa, Lissa and Brev came up for just a short visit to see the kids.
Things were going well unitl Evelyn checks in with me to confess something that she had done wrong. It seems that, while in the basement play area, Brev was talking and keeping Ev's panda awake ( ok whatever).
She handles this situation by: 1) Covering his mouth with one hand
                                        and 2) Punching him in the stomach with the other

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In an attempt to be  even keeled, I refused to talk about this with her until I was ready. She had the gall to be miffed at that. Because she had to sit quietly on her bed and wait for me, oh the nerve of Mothers.
When I thought I could talk to her without loosing my mind, I went in her room and we had a talk. I had Les come in and sit in on the talk as well (for the record this also miffed Her Highness- witnesses you know?)
So we have this talk and I inform her that she is going to bed at the same time her baby brother is, that she has missed out on cookies and milk on the porch swing and she will not get to finish The Karate Kid ( the original one thank you very much). Now she is really getting it. I go on to tell her that my nephew means very much to me and that she was no better than the bully at Daycare that gives Brevin trouble. That my home should be one place that he comes in to and no one treats him mean. I tell her that I am very sad about the way that she acted and that I will see her in the morning. I walk out.

Later I go in and hug her and tell her that I love her and that I hope she understands how ugly she behaved.
She says, "yeah I am sorry about all of that".....
"But Mama? Did you feel my magic towards you stop?"
I say, "Yes, did you stop it when you were mad at me?"
We have had this sort of thing before, where I am duly informed that she has stopped ALL of her magic
(you can read that as love if you like) coming to me until I can make her feel better. Or behave.
I proceed with the conversation. I tell her that even though I get mad at her sometimes and that I get embarrassed when she is mean, that my magic never stops going to her.
Then she lays this one on me:
" It's like this Mama. I have cords that go from my heart to my family. That's how that magic goes. When I get mad, I stop the magic and it comes back through the cord to me where there is a light bulb, that magic I hold back comes into me and lights that bulb and it glows, when it glows long enough, it burns away all of my bad feelings and makes me happy again. So I need to do it."
I was stunned at her imagery. I truly was.
" I look at her and I say well, Ev, I see that you have it worked out. I am glad that you know how to take care of yourself and get happy again"
We hug and I kiss her and I bring her over onto my lap and we sit there in the dim room and I stroke her hair.
After a few minutes, she says, "Mama?"
"What child?"
"I know that you love me. I can see it sometimes"
I sit there and wonder what she will say next and I mumble "oh yeah like what?"
Then she says " Well it's your magic to me. It's silver and bright and it's all around you and it reaches out to me. It's beautiful"
Now I am stunned for real.
I say "When do you see this magic?"
" You know alot Mama. Like when you smile at me or do something for me just because you know I like it. Sometimes when you are cooking dinner. Like that"

And I try with all of my might to take my silver light and surround her with it.
Even though she socked her cousin in the guts.
Because she is my magic.

Hot Tamake

For Christmas in 2006 my Mom got Ev a play kitchen. Without a doubt it has been the BEST present of her entire life. Since Christmas day of that year when her Papa assembled it, she has played with that kitchen- every. single. day. for. hours.
She loves her kitchen and I have cleaned some monumental and show stopping messes out of it. Things have changed a bit since she has gotten older. It is no longer a simple kitchen.
It's a restaurant.  (yes, Dan and Cheri we can not rid ourselves of this game).
It's called "Hot Tamake"
It has a dubious menu, rotating hours and a questionable Cleanliness Score. If you are not careful you can get cat bowl water disguised as coffee from Hot Tamke- I'm just sayin'....
I do love hearing her in there, clang banging away and making eggs and adding salt and now, with the addition of her brother? She has the world's most unhelpful sous chef.
I am delivered regular-ish meals throughout the day. Every day. Little plates of carefully arranged play food, laid out in a pleasing manner and it always comes with very strict instructions.
I dread the day when Hot Tamake and the kitchen no longer interest her. I love it so.
I really do. Even when I am forced to choke down cat water because she is looking and I can't toss it out an open window.
I love it when I have to clean out hand lotion and rotting acorns.
I love it when I have to clean up a flood of water that she has been sneaking in all day.
I love it because she does.
I love it because it is my kiddo being a kid and thoroughly enjoying her life.

Ev in her kitchen on it's very first day.

Ev in Hot Tamake two days ago.

Meanwhile Back at the Ranch....

As things in this house and home are turned upside down by the addition of a 21 month old boy, Evelyn continues to be Evelyn.

• I get constant CNN type updates about what she and Liam are doing. Even if I am in the same room looking directly at the both of them. I think of her as "The Narrator".
• She was searching for some trinket of hers yesterday and looked at me and said, " WHO in this house would have the nerve to move my things? Huh? Probably my sneaky, SNEAKY brother!" ( it was her sneaky, sneaky brother)
• Les tripped over a chair yesterday and Ev gasped and said, "oh are you alright?"When Les laughed and said that yes he was fine she replied,"Oh so what are you? Some kind of tough guy or something?"
• Les ate a sandwich the other day. Then he ate the rest of mine that I couldn't finish. Ev looked right at him and said, "What's up Mr. Two Sandwich?"
• She also has this Evita thing going on. We have let her watch some Musicals,  (Guys and Dolls, Singin' In the Rain - that sort of stuff). Now she gets in these moods where she sings out her activities. Like this : "OH! Here i am in Hot Ta-MAAAAAA-KEEEEEE and I am mak-in my MAAAAAAMMMMMAAAA some egggggggs! She likes saaaaaalt so I am putting some  onnnnnnn the egggggggs! My broth-eeerrrrr is slober-iiiiing!. "  You get the idea...

That's my girl.

For the Love of This Boy

We met him in China, less than a month ago. He was chubby-ish and pale but he was solid and real. I can say that our meeting had no surprises or disappointments because I had prepared myself to meet him where he was and I forced myself, for many long months, to keep my mind blank, to not fill in dream moments. It was hard and at times I failed but, riding that bus to the Civil Affairs Office I attempted to blank my mind and just meet a new person. Not a baby or a son. Not my daughter's brother.  Just a person.
I am glad that I took that route. Because he was there, with the history of is life right there with him, almost like a shadow. The abandonment and separation from his birth mother. The surgery he endured with no one to call his own standing beside him. The days he spent in an Orphanage. The days he spent at the Anhui Cleft Healing Home with caring nannies who laid him in little patches of sunlight and fed him with a spoon. China in his blood and on his beautiful skin. He was all of that and at the same time so much more but also just a little person. A lonely little boy waiting to see what we had to offer.

And I loved him.
Not fiercely at first I will admit. But cautiously and willingly. Ready to see what he needed.
I held this boy who didn't even turn to look for a familiar face when we boarded the bus and I knew that I must respect the pain that he had endured as a part of who he was.
And that was scary. Because with Ev it took me months to turn off the "self" and to turn my face and being
completely towards her and her struggles. I was in the comfort of my own home by then. I had the knowledge that she liked me by then. We knew each other a bit by then.
This time I jumped in with a stranger.
It was so scary that parts of me have sort of shut down and are not back up and running yet. I have turned some things off so I can do this job of getting to know him and learning who he is and meeting him where he is.
But there is love. A joyous playful kind of love that shocks me to the core. You see, I have wondered for a very long time how I would love another child as my love for Ev seems so big a fierce and omnipresent. But I found a place in me that is just for him. It is a well, a deep, deep well of love that has been there for a long time because it feels familiar. My heart was waiting for him. HIM. When I held him, something in me shifted and I realized that there would be love and plenty of it, for him.

Every day that I have him, I love him more. He brings mess and laughter and cat chasing glee into this house. He doesn't eat all nice and proper, it's a head down elbows flyin' get it in the mouth attack that leaves me stunned and surprised.  He brings climbing and falling and loosing toys to a whole new level. He is the small destructor. He is a Mama's boy and I love it. He hugs and gives slobbery wonderful kisses. He will throw a 2 hour fit over something minor and get up laughing when he's ready. He is who he has always been and I am meeting him and learning him and loving him.
This is one happy Mama.
Happy and tired.
All of the turned off places will turn on again for me, when I can handle it. When I am ready to face the grief I feel for his birth mother. When I can look at the hundreds of pictures from Love Without Boundaries and truly see those moments for what they are and let myself cry for happiness and sadness. I have no room for that stuff right now.
There is just room for the Liam that is here, and his sister and his father.
And this new wonderful love that is growing and settling into my heart.

My son.
I am so thankful that he was sent our way.

Why Bother?

My day so far has been a study in absolute futility.
No. Really.
I think there may be a new dimension in the known Universe that is called Absolute Futility. It should be studied by the likes of Stephen Hawking and Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

Everyone woke up today and piled into my bed. Everyone wanted "lovin's" but not when they were the actual individual on my lap or in my arms or laying on my head. Nope, they only wanted said "lovin's" when they were the FARTHEST from me and had to clamor over two other mammals to get to me, then they would become immediately ignorant of my existence.

Breakfast was a 50% re-hash of Ev refusing to eat the bbq meatballs from dinner and 50% Liam not getting enough food fast enough. Then Les called needing info that required I leave the hungry baby pterodactyl to voice his displeasure at the interruption while Ev sat resolute in front of cooling meat balls.

Then I attempted cleaning the house.
I managed to sweep the floors. Twice. As a certain someone who shall remain nameless, stumbled through my dirt pile just as I turned to get the hand vac.
Then I mopped. Twice. Nay three times.
Because, I mopped? And then, well, Liam threw up a bit, just water mostly. But he walked through it and got his socks all disgusting and before I could catch him, ran all over the living room and dining room, leaving evidence of his passing behind him. So yeah. Then there was a whole Cheddar Bunnies issue and well, that was the third mop.

Then I decided to try and schedule Liam for some appts. It seems that there was a hang up with the Insurance company. Oh no they said it was the DEERS ( that's the registration entity for military folks). But really it was the insurance all along. That was about an hour of my life spent on hold that I will never get back (and why Meat Ball was able to track pukey socks all over the joint)

I was planning on attempting to clean the upstairs too but I might lay down for a nap.

You Know Who You Are

If you work with my sister.
If you read this blog.
If you say nice things about it.
If you send happy little messages my way.


Thank you.

You make me feel awesome and make me feel like this corner of blog land is not a waste of time.

You are family to me.

Rocking Horse

Secrets

Tough Crowd

Today for lunch, instead of some microwaved awfulness, I broke out a pot and I made some Sesame Noodles. From scratch. I used a recipe from Pioneer Woman ( don't know her? get to know her! her recipes are awesome recipes here), so I expected rave reviews.
I was to be disappointed.
Ev took a bite. Then another. She cocked her head to one side and she said....
"Well ...Mama these are good. I mean they don't have MUCH taste but they are done"
I just looked at her and blinked.
She took another bite.
The she hit me with this zinger...
" No. There was some flavor. Is it?....Soy Sauce? Well ....nice try Mama."
Then I gave Liam a bite and it came right back out.

Tomorrow they are getting Spaghetti-o's.

Origins

We have been getting Ev's homeschool books in the mail, one or two a day.
Her Human Body science book came in two days ago and she has been pouring over it ever since.
Page 78 is titled "Egg and Sperm".
Let that settle for a moment....
Ok so she and I had a very interesting talk and she absorbed it, catalogued it and moved on.
Later on in the evening she had to have a re-cap with her Papa.
All went well, and eventually she said,  "Hey how come the Mama's have to grow the babies and not the Papa's?"
Les replied "Well, that's just the way it is. Everyone has a job and that's the job of the Mama's"
She thought about it for a minute and she said "yeah. And the Papa's job is to be there and help out and get yelled at when they do it wrong!"

I am not sure what this says about me as a wife.

Things

I think we are beginning to see some sort of light. We have had a few very nice evenings with the kids and I find myself being more tender and less.... stressy. Don't let me fool you- it's still hard. Adding another kid is like flipping your brain inside out and quadrupling the work that you have to do.
Plus! Les went back to work this past Tues and I have been doing the whole "just one of me and two of them" thing and that can get pretty tiring. Ev is having a few behavioral things that I pray to God know will shake out but man, it's hard to maintain stability when she is using a sippy cup like a bottle and rolling and whimpering, or when she decides that Liam can't do A SINGLE THING, or that very tiny bump, thump or barely there scratch needs "OMG CALL 911 I HAVE AN INJURY NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE OW OW OW IT HURTS OMG THE PAIN!". My sleep in highly variable because Liam's is. Cooking is an all out effort and war. I start each day tired and end each day tired-er.
But you know what?
I am lucky.
Lucky to have these particular struggles and lucky to be so busy with these two little people.
Lucky that so many people in my life look at my son and see the joy that he is.
Lucky to have a family and passel of friends that support us so much.
Lucky to have a husband that has been here every step of the way. I mean, here and present in a complete and real way.
Besides, look at them, it's not that hard to be in love and mine more energy out of this body to be what they need. It's not that hard to look at them and remember what it's all about.

It's not that hard except that it can be- and you fight it and try to find the best version of yourself to offer at the moment because that is the very least that they deserve.
My two little munchkins. My God how I love them.

New Kicks

Turbulence

This post could have been titled many things : Post-Adoption Depression Is Really Real or Buried Alive or Roller Coaster....you get the drift.
The thing is this, adoption IS love.
It is also easy, in many ways.
Most of all though, adoption is HARD.
 You can take any of the new things going on that you are trying to deal with and look at them one at a time and say, "Heh. That's not so bad. I can do that." The problem is that in real life you get it all at once, all day every day and then little to no sleep at night. Then, suddenly you find yourself back here...
PAD.
Sometimes I think it's not depression so much as it is PTSD or maybe jet lag induced anger mis-management. Around here the "depression" isn't so much depressed as it is finding yourself reacting in ways that are non-standard for you and then feeling guilty about that and all of it cycles and cascades. It hits both Leslie and I in similar ways and it's difficult.
Parents experiencing this are not unhappy with the child, or regretful. We are human and we are adjusting.
Have you ever baby-sat for someone and at the moment they walked in the door, you smiled and turned the kidlet over and when they were well and good away? You crash onto your couch and sigh and resume your normal life? It's kind of like that, except no one is walking through the door.  You are it.
No matter how much love you feel this child is still essentially a stranger. You take on a new person who has his or her own agenda and you have to jive that with your established routine.
The love is there, it's the intimacy that is not. The knowledge of their thoughts and expressions. What they love to eat versus just eating because it's there and hasn't been before. Does that face mean he's mad or is he pooping( olfactory assist on that one)? Is this behavior happening right now in front of me, is that organic or is it learned?
As the love deepens and strengthens with the intimate knowledge of who they are, the PAD fades and one day you break through and find yourself in a new place.
A new family, and a new way of seeing things that is much, much better than you could have imagined. You just have to get there.
You have to slog through.
You have moments of astounding emotion, that just rolls over you and leaves you filled up with love and a glow. Then, in the next moments you can find yourself locked in the bathroom, crying and wondering exactly how long this will last.

It's not just the kids that have to work on attachment and bonding. It is not a one way street. The parents need to put in a serious amount of work in that area too. My Aunt once told me, "You don't love your child because they are there and someone labels you "mother", you love your child because of the daily routines and the caring of them, it's not automatic, no matter what they say" . I hold on to this and I cherish it. It's the truth as I know it and knowing that a woman that I respect has the same truth just makes me feel normal.

We love this boy. He is funny and chubby and will fit in perfectly with us. He is a go with the flow rambler and he is lovable and cuddly and many, many good things. He is also barely known to us and he has those issues. Things that kept him alive and well and well fed, things that worked in an Orphanage- these things do not belong inside a functioning family though and it takes time to learn new ways.

Take the feeding every two hours, the tantrums, the jealousy (on all counts of the littles), the tiredness, the Sinusitis, the jet lag, the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, the need to catch up with everyone in your life after a big change and long absence, misunderstandings with close family, the new and nearly constant tummy aches of your daughter, her behavioral hiccups, the husband's birthday and you get a completely worn out and nearly devastated Mama who just has to keep chugging along.

That's the truth.
It is all of the happy moments and cute photos but it is also the gritty and sweaty work of bonding and attaching.
There it is.
Discuss......

Trying again!

The pictures of our Homecoming are giving me fits! I know that they aren't coming up. The trouble is that they were not on my camera, they were on my Mom;s. So let's try this link, I tried to get them up on my Facebook ....... Let me know how it works.........

Pictures

Rainy Afternoon

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com


Yesterday afternoon we had a much needed cloud break. As soon as Ev figured out it was raining, she dashed upstairs and put on a too small bathing suit and some too big rain boots, grabbed a bucket or two and ran out to play. She marched up and down the street, singling and slinging rain water all about her, she jumped in the rivers and she sploshed as only a 6 year old can splosh.
The rest of us sat on the porch swing and enjoyed the breeze and the sounds of the rain and Ev playing. Papa snuck some pictures and Liam learned about porch swings.
I wish I could stop Ev right where she is. I just want to grab her and hug her to me and demand that she never change or grow from this girl she is right now. She stood there in the rain, singing her head off, face up to the sky arms outstretched and I realized how very fleeting my time with her will actually be.
Can anyone tell me how to stop her from growing up? Anyone?

Liam's First Days

   

This evening when 8:30 pm rolls around it will be one week since Liam was carried home. These first few days have been filled with jet lag and bone deep weariness, new routines, lots of learning and many of the moments that I so longed for.

He's been eating. The boy eats like a Hobbit, hand to God. I have to feed him every two hours - or else.

He is learning a love of books already.

He's been "Packin'"

He's been in the backyard with Papa- contemplating things.

He's finding lots of play things.

He's been napping.

He's been swimming.

We are a bit taken aback by this kid. In alot of ways he is easier than Ev was, in others, we look at each other and scratch our heads. He is BOY and with that comes differences. Also he had 8 months of quality Foster Care and that has made a difference. He is more adventurous than Ev was and he doesn't feel emotionally fragile in the way that she did. So we are doing these things, these small daily things that  I dreamt about. Eating and playing and reading and just becoming.... family.

Liam and His Back Pack

I think that his parents carrying a back pack everywhere for the first days of the relationship has affected Liam. Maybe he just loves having things that are completely his own? No matter the reason it's cute, this thing that is happening.
The boy loves his backpack. He wears it all day every day unless he is eating or sleeping. It's empty because he doesn't have the need to "pack" so much as just have it on his back.
He will pick it up and grab it and come at me jabbering and thrusting it forward. The minute that Les or I touch the back pack, he puts his back towards us and assumes the position. After he's all loaded up, he looks at us, and waves and walks purposefully away.
It's so cute that I can't stand it.
The boy loves his pack.

Coming Home

Finally it was time to wake up in Hong Kong and slog through the airport and make our way to our gate for the first flight home. It involved: (brace yourselves) long lines, Immigration, Customs a train ride, a potty stop, 14 hours on one plane, O'Hare with the luggage carousel that would not yield our luggage, some hasty re-packing, Immigration stops- two of them, more luggage scanning, re-checking of the luggage, some wandering around, a train ride to the wrong terminal, a train ride to the correct terminal, Security, a failed attempt at a meal, a hasty bottle on the floor at the gate, the final boarding and 50 minutes of flight to arrive at Cleveland Hopkins at the farthest point possible from Luggage.....
I had Liam strapped to my front and a heavy back pack on my back and we trudged along, waiting and hoping to see familiar faces....
Then, all of the sudden, there they were! Family, my family, standing there, cheering us those last few feet. They had huge smiles and awesome posters and I cried. Because I was home. Because I had missed them desperately. Because no matter how many stories I tell them, we will have still been there without them and they will never be able to truly get that trip.
Ev and Brev took off like they hadn't missed a beat. I was gasping and trying to get bits of the trip out, oh the stories we have....Liam was there on my chest freaking out a bit. I think he was afraid that they were going to take him from us so at one point he just sort of closed off and hid his face in my chest. It seemed he was a hit with his family though.
We got our luggage and we went to the cars and we drove the 20 minutes home. The sky over Cleveland seemed disturbingly clear and beautiful after so many days of a smog filled sky.
We pulled in the drive way and there was my cat, sitting and waiting in my kitchen window and that was such a relief, as I truly missed that booger every day that we were gone.
What can I tell you about walking back into your home after such a life changing trip, when you have your son on your hip and this is it, the first true Home that he is ever being carried into? It is overwhelming in the nicest way.
Thanks to my family and Jodi, we walked into a house full of presents and balloons. My Mom and Melissa had a feast prepared and we ate and talked and watched a bit of the movies. Liam seemed to understand that he was home, or we were at least in the biggest Hotel room ever. He didn't cling too long before he was down and exploring, begging food and being interested/ suspicious of Billy.

And so the incremental march to a new normal began.
We were home and our tummies were full and I was merely feet from my own bed.


I know that my posts about this trip were maybe cursory and very "sum up-y" and possibly a bit more in the negative side rather than offering a true picture. I have to say that some of that was the jet lag, ok most of that was the jet lag. I know that it was because as that is clearing I am starting to think "it wasn't THAT hard was it?" And then I remember that, possibly, it was. The only comfort that I have is that our travel group was mostly seasoned adopters and they were all saying and feeling the same things that we were, still are in e-mails, in fact.
I do have some things that I want to talk about as far as the trip goes- maybe a more realistic look than just getting it out and off my chest. We'll see.
But for now we are here and have 2 nights of ok sleep under our belts and things are settling in and it feels ......good.
I looked at my son's bits last night ( toes and fingers and cheeks and fat legs) and I realized that he is what we needed. He is a good fit and, man, is he ours.



Also I think my sister did an awesome job on the updates. I think she should start her own blog.

Guangzhou

Pictures from Guangzhou


The problem with not blogging every day while in China is that you get home and everything starts to blur together. This situation is not helped by the fact that GZ is where we were all struck with some form of sickness, and the heat continued, and I was so sick of boiling water that I slowed down and I am certain that I spent the entire time there partially dehydrated.
There we were back at the White Swan and while I remembered it as some sort of Shangri La, it really was just another hotel in a long line of hotels. Our room was small and smelled musty and I was very unimpressed with the bedding that was offered to the kids. The a/c was somewhat better though still turned off every afternoon. I also remember the breakfast buffet being better but truly, on our first trip we nearly starved to death in Nanchang.
Man this sounds like alot of complaining and I am not even done yet.
There was construction everywhere and that was just bothersome, but what was a real pain was about an 80% drop in the local yocal junk shops. I KNOW! I loved those little places. It seemed to me that even in the shops in TWS - the prices were seriously marked up from last time - to ridiculous proportions.
So with the combination of sickness, increased prices and the construction- we just did not shop.
There is now a Subway and a Starbucks very near to TWS now so that was pretty cool and Papa John's delivers, so we didn't starve.

Les came down with a minor cold two days before we left for GZ so that means by any calculation that I was screwed. I got it in GZ and I always get it worse and longer. Then Ev got Pink Eye. Liam had the crud and coughed for nearly 48 hours straight.
Two entire days in GZ are lost to me. I didn't even wash any of Liam's bibs. (In the pictures this coincides with the ones of us near the fish pond in the hotel- that's why I look dead, I nearly was).

In matters of family, we chugged along. We started calling Liam "The Boy That Ate Guangzhou" because he would put anything and everything in his mouth and attempt to eat it. I mean anything! Even chunks of plastic that fell out of Leslie's luggage and I am not exaggerating here- he almost choked to death! Really! We had to deliver CPR back blows and he was turning blue- it was scary.
Liam continued to reveal himself a little bit each day but in GZ is where we really started struggling with some of his learned behaviors and I had to learn real quick which cries were legit and which were just fit throwing or attempts at manipulation.
Through the whole trip Evelyn remained her cheery, easy going self and I was so thankful for her and I am glad that we took her because she was an asset every single day.
We swam almost every day and Liam really started enjoying that. He would sit on the edge and kick his little feet and grin these huge slobby grins that melted us each and every time. He is a sweet boy and we started to see that there in GZ. I also watched him while we were out and realized that he was going to be an animal lover as he would stop in his tracks and smile at any dog or cat he happened to see.

The Medical Clinic was a NIGHTMARE. And let me say here that the issues I have with this part of the process have nothing at all to do with China. As a matter of fact I think the graciousness of the Chinese people and government is astounding. They have bent over backwards to comply with the ridiculous terms set forth by the US government. It is a joke. If you are non-Hague thank your lucky stars. I had to watch my son get SEVEN shots just so he could enter this country! I was mad- madder than I have ever been I think. I watched the doctors and nurses work in an appalling flood of people and never loose their professional demeanor. I can not say enough- how silly it is to expect these children to have ALL required immunizations before coming home. I see it as a drain on the resources of China and I see the guides and clinic workers doing things that they are not comfortable with because "WE" say so. I see it as a real health risk to children on the edge of what could be called healthy. 'Nuff said. ( Not really but I could go on and on ).

The Visa stuff went well and was pretty painless- a welcome change form everything else.

We left GZ late one night and had to go to Hong Kong for a single night. It took 6 hours to get from hotel to hotel. The next day we were off early in the a.m. to head home and I could not have been happier.

I think that I will look back on this and always think "No- it wasn't my attitude. It was that hard and miserable" I do think the heat and the energy zapping humidity had alot to do with it and I would have loved to have been there in the Spring or Fall but we weren't. I hate to sound so negative we honestly did have some good times, it's just hard to see them through the smog and humidity....

Now we are home and inching towards a new normal. We have great moments and not so great moments but thankfully no terrible awful no good moments (knock on wood).
We love Liam and he was/is worth every sweat rivulet and crappy meal. He is worth the endless plane rides and the struggles on and off buses. He is worth it all and I would gladly do it again to bring him home to us.

Gotcha Day and Zhengzhou

Gotcha Day


Pictures of Zhengzhou

We arrived in Zhengzhou in the evening and if I expected there to be a difference in the heat due to time of day or location, I was sadly disappointed. But there we were once again staggering with luggage in the heat, headed towards yet another bus. The airport was nice, quiet and clean with regular toilets and not just squatty potties - hey there was even toilet paper!
The plan was to get into town, settle in and meet out babies the next day. This was an absolute killer for me. When we went to get Ev I was in Jiangxi approximately the length of the bus ride before I reached out and grabbed her to me. Well, we got in, settled in and braved the elements for dinner. We had a 15 minute walk from the hotel to a Pizza Hut and it was along a busy street, 4 lane street and there was construction on the sidewalk along the way- very typical walk in China. We were stared at by almost everyone as Adoptions in this province are not yet commonplace. The other thing that I noticed was all of the children! This was the one place in China that seemed to have a great balance of adults and children. I mean kids of all ages running about and laughing and talking. It was torture to be seeing all of them while still wondering what my son would be like, how big he would be, what his hair would feel like- I had a hard time not snatching some of those babies right out of their Mom's arms for a quick fix and snuggle.
We also hit the Wal-mart for essential supplies. It gets pretty hard to keep up with your water needs simply by the little boil pots in your room. Water rationing becomes a real issue while in China- it's hard to get enough to make bottles and drink and brush your teeth with. Also I was struggling to keep Ev from having potty issues. The Wal-mart was interesting as always but I remember the one in Jiangxi being much better.
Ok so.
The next morning we ate a very nerve wracking breakfast at the Hotel and climbed aboard the bus for a looong 15 minute ride to the Civil Affairs building. On the way our guides told us that there had been some pretty serious flooding in Henan and that since we had 8 babies coming from 8 different places that it was hard to say which ones would be here and maybe some might have to come in the next day! WHAT?!!!? I quickly settled myself and I just KNEW Liam would be there. As we pulled up, I had Les turn on the video camera- just in case. We walked up the stairs and into the room. It was a big open room with a couple of couches against the walls and a desk for official stuff and a long table or two. Beyond the tables was an enclosed play area. I was taking all of this in when, our guide Rita, grabbed my arm and said, "He's here! Your baby is here- go play with him!" I felt my heart leave my body and I walked over as fast as I could to lay eyes on him. He was there, in the play area, wearing an outfit that we had sent, bent over a blue plastic truck. He was pale and had some scabies marks but he was SOLID and real and there.
We three spent the next few minutes trying to get him to do something- anything other than worry about that truck. It took a snack. And some juice. But we finally got his attention.
His hair was back. He had huge liquid eyes.
We were all smitten.
Also the whole time we were meeting Liam for the first time? The orphanage had sent a camera guy to film us - "for their records". That wasn't incredibly nerve wracking or anything.
After a while I could not take it anymore and moved him over to my lap, this is where I learned that this kid was/is a chunk. He stayed there for only a few minutes before he was off- demanding his truck.
The room got louder and louder as more babies made it on from where they were to meet their families. I remember looking up form my Liam haze at one point and seeing everyone smiling and clutching babies and handing out snacks. There was crying and some screeching as well.
I had to get up at one point and pay some Official Fees and hand over our Gifts to the Orphanage Rep that was there. She was a very nice lady and she handed me an envelope filled with pictures form the camera that we had sent. I cried over these and she patted my arm and smiled. She asked through and interpreter if we could exchange e-mails so she could know how Zhuang Zhuang was doing- I gladly agreed and it was here that I first realized that Liam may have been a "favorite". Eventually the Orphanage folks sort of waved and quietly backed out and left and that was it- we were left alone with our guy. He was ours.
About 35 minutes into my relationship with my son I heard our guides calling to get on the bus. That's when I smelled it. Messy diaper. And then I freaked. It was hot and I was stressed- taught would be the word. And now I was going to be changing a diaper in a public venue. Let's say that there was no trash can in the bathroom, nor anyplace that looked remotely like a place you would want to change a diaper. I had to holler for Les to come and find me and help me- just for moral support you understand.
Well, Liam boarded the bus wearing nothing but a diaper as his entire outfit was....umm....not clean. Nice.
We went back to the hotel for a bottle and some Elimite and his first nap. I sat in a chair holding my heavy son and we napped together and it was bliss.

The rest of our time in Zhengzhou was filled with quiet days of getting to know each other, bottles and meals and swimming in the pool. Playing with his sister and resisting naps.
We ran into some Orphanage behaviors that have already faded significantly. Behaviors like a complete inability to share, food hoarding, huge expression changes meant to encourage or discourage what we were doing. By day 3 he was sharing toys with Ev and had slowed down on the food issues (though this is still our biggest issue to date).
By Day 4 he got hurt or something and cam running to me to pick him up. That was HUGE as it took Ev nearly 2 years to do this.
This is the way we move forward. Quiet days filled with some sleepless nights. He did have and still does some Whimpering in the night and an occasional Night Terror. Oh and he drools- constantly like a faucet, so I got really good about washing bibs in the sink.
6 days here and we were off to Guangzhou and The White Swan.......

Disclaimer

I would like to take a break from the story of our trip to say a few things.
I think the first and foremost thing that I have to say is that I am eternally grateful to China and all of those involved in the CCAA who had a hand in me getting my son. We are incredibly lucky to have him.
The second thing I want to say is this, I will NOT be giving you all the rose colored glasses version of things. It was a hard trip in many ways and I need to be honest about that. I need to be honest for myself, for my children and for any of you out there who are planning on making this Journey.
The third thing I want to say is this, no matter how wonderful it is to be in the country of your children's birth, it is very far away from home and it is difficult. It can be wondrous and amazing and magical and still, at the end of each evening when you are using bottled water to brush your teeth, you realize that the average person will have no way to ever relate to what you are experiencing.
If you were to do this trip and NOT get a child it would still be hard. But we do this thing and we are there, half way around the world where nothing has comfort and then you get a new child to Parent. I mean from the second they hand that baby to you, it's all over but the shoutin' - as my Mother would say. Like say, you have just known this child for about 35 minutes and he just barely deemed to eat a snack out of your hand, the Orphanage folks are gone and they just called to board the bus and you have the horrific realization that in about 45 seconds you will be changing the first messy diaper that you have seen in years.
Things like that.

So yes. It was wonderful and I loved it but I spent a portion of each day wondering how I was going to make it until we got home.
I do not remember the trip for Ev being like this and I can say that Nanchang was WAY more difficult to be in that Zhengzhou was. I can't quite put my finger on why it was so hard and tiring. I will even admit that Liam is a much easier child to deal with than Ev was, so most things on his front were, dare I say?  Easier than his sister. Easier than expected.

Ok on with it then.

The Trip- Part 1

Beijing




Pictures From Beijing   


Melissa and Brevin came up the night before we left. They spent the night and ensured that Les and I did not kill each other in the last, frantic moments of packing. ( And let me just say here that the Fe-breeze room refresher and the Downy De-wrinkler were two of the best items I packed- so there!)
We all woke early and headed off. Breakfast at Bob Evans was a great idea and we got on the plane with our tummies full of pancakes and sausage gravy- not a bad start to the trip.
What can I say about the air travel? It is long and tiring and boring. Eventually we made it to Beijing though and I was bowled over by the heat. As a matter of fact, I never did adjust to it. It continued to be hellishly hot and humid for our entire trip but the weather in Beijing was "special" as our guide, George told us many, many times.
We stayed in the Holiday Inn, right down town. It was a nice hotel with a good breakfast buffet and it was near a good pizza joint. This is also where we went out to have authentic Chinese Dumplings for dinner one night. This was probably the single most stressful meal there. The food was good but we had about 10 of the workers standing and watching us while we ate- for the entire meal. They also wanted to touch Ev alot and had many, many , questions that they wanted answered. All in all they were friendly and encouraging,  it's just hard to eat while being scrutinized. The dumplings were delicious though.

Beijing is big and busy and hot. When you enter Hong Kong, you could be in any city in the world, when you enter Beijing, you KNOW you are in China. There is alot of smog and alot of street pollution and it is wonderfully Chinese in every nook and cranny. Also? It was hot, did I mention that?

CCAI has some pretty serious touring set up here, you really have no break at all. It starts at 8:30 am and you go and go until 6 or so at night. This is why Ev was asleep on Les at the end of every day.

Day 1 we went to Tiananmen Square and the Forbidden City with a lunch and then off to the Hutong neighborhood.  I wish that I could tell you that I fully enjoyed these stops but the heat was so oppressive that I just survived it all. It was gorgeous and awesome and magnificent but I was near passing out the entire time. I know! I should stop belly aching about the heat already- but it WAS bad. Everyone said so. We were ALL miserable and sweating like pigs and just dying of thirst. Even our native guide-so there.

Day 2 was The Great Wall. I could not believe this place it was fabulous and it was so amazing to be there. Les made it nearly to the top but I have to say, Ev and I did not. We sat and enjoyed the view, we found a breezy spot and had a snack or two.

The entire time I had this whole pulse of anxiety going on in my head. I wanted Liam and I wanted to be done with the endless sightseeing and being drug all over. I think that I will always feel this way. It was nice to be distracted, on one hand though.

On Day 3 we woke early to get to the airport and head into Henan Province and into Zhengzhou City where we would meet our son. Unfortunately we would have to be there almost an entire day before we could get him!

Home

And so we are home.
17 days have passed.
And home feels oh so nice.
The heat and humidity of China nearly did me in.
The love I have for this chubby faced boy has knocked me over.
I am reeling right now.
Jet lag.
Exhaustion.
New child.
Old child with new behaviors.
Cat jealous of new kid and old kid, new kid jealous of cat and big sister, big sister jealous of cat and brother.
It's all a jumbled, wonderful, sleepless mess.
I can say this: I am glad to have this little boy in my life and even now, with the bone weary mess that I am, with the details of that hard, long trip still fresh in my mind- I would absolutely do it all over again just to have him.

 I will be working on some details of the trip and putting them together with pictures- later. I will have to eat and sleep and shower and sleep some more but it will all come out. For now- here a few pictures of my new life, my new child and that constant on my life that is known as Evelyn.

Todays the Day!

FINALLY!! They will be getting home tonight!! So excited! We'll be meeting them at the airport @ 7:30p.  Lots to do today to get ready for them and we're all sooo anxious!!

Sick Sick Sick

We were able to check in on the Dillons last night, and I'm sad to report that they are all sick. Yes, all 4 of them. First of all, Les and Evelyn almost never get sick..but if you're part of this family... ur gonna sick away from home.
Les has an ear infection/ache/clog thing going on, which we thought was cleared up before they left. Apparently not.
Michal has a bad cold or sinus issue going on.. she sounds awful. Feels worse.
Evelyn has pink eye. Not just in 1eye.. yep.. in both eyes people!
Liam has a cold, which doesn't seem to be getting better since our last call. And along with his cold, he's been getting updated on his shots so they can come home. Poor Cheeks for Weeks
So.. they're all a little stressed, not feeling well, and I'm sure they are ready to get home and get back into the daily routine.. or start/learn a new routine with Liam.

On a happier note.. well, it makes me giggle at least... Liam is ALL BOY! He leaves a trail of mess and toys, and half chewed up "stuff" behind him wherever he goes! hahaha I think he's gotten into more stuff in 1 week than ever expected! He might actually make Brevin look like a calm kid! I'm gonna love love love this new nephew business! We don't get to talk very long on our phone calls.. but I cannot wait to see  how my wonderfully neat, everything in its place, no mess maker niece, deals with her little brother! Hahaha

I'm missing those people tho! And its not that I see them on a daily basis or anything, but we talk all the time! And maybe b/c I know I can get to them in less than 2 hours if needed. I'm missing them because I know my best friend is thousands of miles away, I'm missing telling my sister silly, little, non-important stuff about my daily, boring life. I miss talking to Ev about 'whatever' or 'how silly Brevin is being'. And I'm probably being really selfish right now but I want my family home!

They'll be home in less than 4 days!