Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Conversational Gems
I swear Ev can be the funniest kid.
Today she said "You are a good Mama and I love you, even though you are sick and grumpy".
Here are a few others:
I know why Darth Vader breathes funny. He's using noodles to breathe through!! ( this was said as she, yes you guessed it, was wheezing through a penne noodle)
"I can NOT wait to get my brother home." When I asked why she promptly responded " Because he will have to do....every. single. thing. I. say."
"OHH! Look at the big brain on Brad!" (from Pulp Fiction, no she hasn't watched it- her Papa just says that alot)
"When Billy dies I want a pet rabbit. I don't want one now, he would eat it and then I would get mad and I wouldn't give him anymore cat parties. But you don't eat when you're dead!"
"Not for Googly bear." (this is from Monsters Inc. and used in such good context that Les and I nearly choked"
"Mama I could drive this truck. I mean, I stopped going off of the cliffs so much in Mario Cart. I could just use a cane or a big stick to push the pedals on the floor. Do you want me to drive us to the store or are you on it?" (I assure you, I was on it)
"We better paint our toes before we see Lissa. She will loose her mind if she sees our feet. We should be ashamed of ourselves"
Today she was goofing off in the truck while I was driving and she looked up and said " Woman?!? Where the hell are you?!?!"
Three weeks ago she painted a gift for her Papa at the pottery place, it's intended for Father's Day. Today she was having wistful thoughts about how Papa would love it (it's a flower) and then she got all serious and said "Gee. I sure hope he can act decent and not get HIS parent's day gift taken away, like somebody else I know."- as she was giving me the stink eye. I just sighed and walked out of the room. She thinks she made a point, little does she know.....
(this was to help Auntie Krista make it through the last few days of May, the Month of Suck)
Today she said "You are a good Mama and I love you, even though you are sick and grumpy".
Here are a few others:
I know why Darth Vader breathes funny. He's using noodles to breathe through!! ( this was said as she, yes you guessed it, was wheezing through a penne noodle)
"I can NOT wait to get my brother home." When I asked why she promptly responded " Because he will have to do....every. single. thing. I. say."
"OHH! Look at the big brain on Brad!" (from Pulp Fiction, no she hasn't watched it- her Papa just says that alot)
"When Billy dies I want a pet rabbit. I don't want one now, he would eat it and then I would get mad and I wouldn't give him anymore cat parties. But you don't eat when you're dead!"
"Not for Googly bear." (this is from Monsters Inc. and used in such good context that Les and I nearly choked"
"Mama I could drive this truck. I mean, I stopped going off of the cliffs so much in Mario Cart. I could just use a cane or a big stick to push the pedals on the floor. Do you want me to drive us to the store or are you on it?" (I assure you, I was on it)
"We better paint our toes before we see Lissa. She will loose her mind if she sees our feet. We should be ashamed of ourselves"
Today she was goofing off in the truck while I was driving and she looked up and said " Woman?!? Where the hell are you?!?!"
Three weeks ago she painted a gift for her Papa at the pottery place, it's intended for Father's Day. Today she was having wistful thoughts about how Papa would love it (it's a flower) and then she got all serious and said "Gee. I sure hope he can act decent and not get HIS parent's day gift taken away, like somebody else I know."- as she was giving me the stink eye. I just sighed and walked out of the room. She thinks she made a point, little does she know.....
(this was to help Auntie Krista make it through the last few days of May, the Month of Suck)
Just a few things 'cuz I am near death
I have a cold.
It's a summer cold.
It sucks.
Ok that's out of the way.
This past Tuesday we went to Gymnastics. At the end of the class it was time for them to pass out the little slip of paper that tells you what class they recommend for your kid next year.
Ev's teacher kept looking at me and then moving on to another Mom and I was getting a bit cranky because I was hungry and Hell Cold was coming on. Eventually she gets to us. We were last.
It seems that she had a reason to keep us last as there was alot to talk about.
Evelyn has been invited to be in the "invitation only" , "streamline to competition class"!
We are very proud of her and even thought his means a summer commitment from all of us - we are going to do it.
My little gymnast! (she totally needs a new leo for her b-day now)
Also? How can you not love a man who walks in the door from work with this?
It's a summer cold.
It sucks.
Ok that's out of the way.
This past Tuesday we went to Gymnastics. At the end of the class it was time for them to pass out the little slip of paper that tells you what class they recommend for your kid next year.
Ev's teacher kept looking at me and then moving on to another Mom and I was getting a bit cranky because I was hungry and Hell Cold was coming on. Eventually she gets to us. We were last.
It seems that she had a reason to keep us last as there was alot to talk about.
Evelyn has been invited to be in the "invitation only" , "streamline to competition class"!
We are very proud of her and even thought his means a summer commitment from all of us - we are going to do it.
My little gymnast! (she totally needs a new leo for her b-day now)
Also? How can you not love a man who walks in the door from work with this?
A pot full of beautiful Calendula for his little girl that just got invited into a special Gymnastics class.
I swear, I fell in love with him all over again when I saw this.
Ok. I am going to go lay in bed and wheeze for a bit now......
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Forget What I Just Said
I mean? Look at that boy! Of course there will be equality because when I saw this picture today- I was just over the moon, happy in love and I now know that my heart no longer belongs to me. My heart is the property of two children born in a foreign land.
Dear USCIS and China.
I can not be expected to wait for weeks to get my hands on this boy. Those cheeks need some serious kissing. I know there is a tummy under there that needs a zerbert. This family needs that boy, so please do what you can to get us there as quickly as possible. Really, my sanity depends on it.
Thank you,
Liam's Mama
Equality
I want to be able to sit down and write this beautiful post about my love for my daughter. I want it to flow and read well. I want to sound smart and funny and yet, somehow, let you in to see how she has changed my heart. I don't have that ability. I don't relate to the world through my heart, I keep that tucked away and hidden. I guard my heart closely. Instead, I tell funny stories or show faux exasperation for a funny slant to my daily life.
I will tell you that we painted our living room red and that I love it but not why.
I will tell you the many issues that popped up in the painting of that room- hopefully so that you will smile and think "that crazy woman".
I am the same way, if not more so about my children. I will write about the longing I have for Liam, that's alright. I don't know why- maybe because I know that I am not alone in these feelings, every Waiting Mother feels those things. But I won't talk much about the magic my heart is flooded with when I look at Ev.
It seems that the way I love her is such a private thing.
I guess I feel like, I can't ever express it right, my writing talents are not up to the task.
So let me put it simply. I love my daughter. She is the very breath of my life. I was not even fully alive until that moment they placed her in my arms. I remember the feeling exactly, it was like I had been under water my whole life and then, my face broke through the surface and I could breathe and I could feel the sunshine and I realized how very rich my life had just become. Sometime I look at her and my heart just lurches.
I will come across some crazy pile of her things in the house, at night, after she is cuddled properly and tucked in and dreaming, and I will nearly fall to my knees with gratitude that she is here, living with me and changing my landscape.
The joy that bubbles up inside of me when I hear her belly laugh? It would power New York City for a month.
I find her beautiful, complex, silly, smart, funny and every good thing about my life.
In fact my love for her is so very encompassing that I wonder. I truly wonder about my ability to bring another child into this home and love him like this. How much room can one heart have?
I already love him, that's true. But I love the idea of him, I don't know him yet. I haven't had the opportunity to hear his laugh or hold him when he has a nightmare. I don't know if he's clever or if he likes cars or balls. I love his picture. I think he is absolutely the cutest boy I have ever seen. When I look at his picture my heart skips a bit and I feel as if I might burst before I get there to him.
What I want more than anything is be able to love with equality.
Is that possible?
Will my heart grow to include them both?
Sometimes I look at Ev and our eyes meet and she smiles this crooked little smile and I know that she knows. My love. That I will do whatever is required of me as her mother.
I just hope that Liam gets that too. If the way I feel when I look at his picture is any indication, I am on the right track.
I will tell you that we painted our living room red and that I love it but not why.
I will tell you the many issues that popped up in the painting of that room- hopefully so that you will smile and think "that crazy woman".
I am the same way, if not more so about my children. I will write about the longing I have for Liam, that's alright. I don't know why- maybe because I know that I am not alone in these feelings, every Waiting Mother feels those things. But I won't talk much about the magic my heart is flooded with when I look at Ev.
It seems that the way I love her is such a private thing.
I guess I feel like, I can't ever express it right, my writing talents are not up to the task.
So let me put it simply. I love my daughter. She is the very breath of my life. I was not even fully alive until that moment they placed her in my arms. I remember the feeling exactly, it was like I had been under water my whole life and then, my face broke through the surface and I could breathe and I could feel the sunshine and I realized how very rich my life had just become. Sometime I look at her and my heart just lurches.
I will come across some crazy pile of her things in the house, at night, after she is cuddled properly and tucked in and dreaming, and I will nearly fall to my knees with gratitude that she is here, living with me and changing my landscape.
The joy that bubbles up inside of me when I hear her belly laugh? It would power New York City for a month.
I find her beautiful, complex, silly, smart, funny and every good thing about my life.
In fact my love for her is so very encompassing that I wonder. I truly wonder about my ability to bring another child into this home and love him like this. How much room can one heart have?
I already love him, that's true. But I love the idea of him, I don't know him yet. I haven't had the opportunity to hear his laugh or hold him when he has a nightmare. I don't know if he's clever or if he likes cars or balls. I love his picture. I think he is absolutely the cutest boy I have ever seen. When I look at his picture my heart skips a bit and I feel as if I might burst before I get there to him.
What I want more than anything is be able to love with equality.
Is that possible?
Will my heart grow to include them both?
Sometimes I look at Ev and our eyes meet and she smiles this crooked little smile and I know that she knows. My love. That I will do whatever is required of me as her mother.
I just hope that Liam gets that too. If the way I feel when I look at his picture is any indication, I am on the right track.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
This and That
- So my ears have faded. I no longer look like a walking reason to not dye your hair at home.
- Ev seems to be recovered from The Tick Incident. Man, am I glad because I was getting tired of checking her head and rubbing a placebo on her scalp! ( the placebo in question is Vaseline in a tube)
- Last night Ev and I were making pizza and out of the blue it was like a hole was torn in my heart. I wanted Liam home so bad right then.
- My cat had been pouting for two days now. I am unaware of any blatant neglect or abuse so I am not sure what his issue is. Have any of you ever had a cat stare at you incriminatingly for 48 hours? It's un-nerving. I even cleaned the litter box twice yesterday! AND he got "double tuna"! What's up?
- At dinner 3 nights ago we had Penne. So Ev grabs up a pasta tube and started wheezing thru it. She had a eureeka moment. She said " hey! This is why Darth Vader breathes weird! He's breathing thru a noodle!"
- We have the living room nearly done. But I have decided that I want it all to be red instead of just a red accent wall. I swear Leslie nearly wept when I told him (though he agrees with me). It just means two more days of painting instead of a quick rolling on of the second coat. Ah well, if we weren't painting we'd be just- what? Oh! Living in a house that's not torn apart.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Art From Tragedy
Let me dissect it all for you. The yellow head with crazy brown hair is Ev. The red circles about her are her stroller. The small red thing above the stroller top is Papa pushing the stroller (love the perspective). The big gray thing is the tick. The yellow line is the needle he would have used to stab her head and drink her blood. Yes she actually said "stab her head and drink her blood".
Why no vanquishing Mama? Hummm....
An Angry Mama with Brown Ears
Two things happened yesterday. We went for a walk in the park and I dyed my hair.
Fine. But how did these two events coincide to leave me with ears stained brown, a brown stain on my forehead and residual anger?
Let me 'splain....
While walking in the park, well the parentals were walking, The Empress was being strolled. So ok. On the last bit of the walk, Ev sees a leafy branch laying on the ground, she picks it up and starts wielding it over her head like a leafy, magical canopy. All was well until I saw a TICK in her hair and running for her scalp. I shrieked "Drop that branch!" Les stops strolling and look all around on the ground and he's yelling " What?!?! What is it?!?!?! What's going on?!?!?" I couldn't answer because I was busy chasing a TICK around Ev's head and she was sitting stock still and silent (also a little pale), so I KNOW she was freaked. I got the gross disgusting thing and stomped it into oblivion on the pavement. Les goes " AGGHHH A TICK THEN?" and I'm all like "YES!! A TICK!" Then we frantically search the rest of Ev's little person. AND the stroller.
Then Ev's starts in with the asking, what's a tick and Les tells her. And she remembers us digging them outta Billy Bones in North Carolina. And her freak out elevates to the nth degree. She refuses to get back in the stroller and she starts complaining about total body itching.
Eventually we get her calmed down and the evening moves on.
Long cuddles and into bed.
Then I start dyeing my hair.
I get to the point where I set the timer and I am trying to wipe the spillage off of my skin.
Then Ev comes storming out of her room and claiming that her head is itching like "madness". I try to blow her off and then I remember the TICK. I think "oh crap! I missed one".
So I call her over and check her head.
Nothing.
I say "Ev were you in bed obsessing over the tick and your head started itching?" And she says yes. And I send her back to bed after some reassurance.
But it was too late for my ears and forehead.
Now I am angry. With brown ears.
Note to self: Unless kid is actually on fire next time, do not stop wiping the dye from your skin. Also? The husband can be called on for Ground Support.
Fine. But how did these two events coincide to leave me with ears stained brown, a brown stain on my forehead and residual anger?
Let me 'splain....
While walking in the park, well the parentals were walking, The Empress was being strolled. So ok. On the last bit of the walk, Ev sees a leafy branch laying on the ground, she picks it up and starts wielding it over her head like a leafy, magical canopy. All was well until I saw a TICK in her hair and running for her scalp. I shrieked "Drop that branch!" Les stops strolling and look all around on the ground and he's yelling " What?!?! What is it?!?!?! What's going on?!?!?" I couldn't answer because I was busy chasing a TICK around Ev's head and she was sitting stock still and silent (also a little pale), so I KNOW she was freaked. I got the gross disgusting thing and stomped it into oblivion on the pavement. Les goes " AGGHHH A TICK THEN?" and I'm all like "YES!! A TICK!" Then we frantically search the rest of Ev's little person. AND the stroller.
Then Ev's starts in with the asking, what's a tick and Les tells her. And she remembers us digging them outta Billy Bones in North Carolina. And her freak out elevates to the nth degree. She refuses to get back in the stroller and she starts complaining about total body itching.
Eventually we get her calmed down and the evening moves on.
Long cuddles and into bed.
Then I start dyeing my hair.
I get to the point where I set the timer and I am trying to wipe the spillage off of my skin.
Then Ev comes storming out of her room and claiming that her head is itching like "madness". I try to blow her off and then I remember the TICK. I think "oh crap! I missed one".
So I call her over and check her head.
Nothing.
I say "Ev were you in bed obsessing over the tick and your head started itching?" And she says yes. And I send her back to bed after some reassurance.
But it was too late for my ears and forehead.
Now I am angry. With brown ears.
Note to self: Unless kid is actually on fire next time, do not stop wiping the dye from your skin. Also? The husband can be called on for Ground Support.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Caterpillars and Life Lessons or Avery Shuffles Off This Mortal Coil
It's hard to stand by and watch your child go from innocent wonder and the "safekeeping" of small creatures to the realization that their influence means certain death for the very creature they long to protect and befriend.
Evelyn's first lesson? Well, that's happening now, with a tiny black caterpillar in a jar, in the back, that has been named Avery.
It seems that Kate and Ev crossed paths with Avery yesterday afternoon around 3 pm. After introductions were made, the girls set out to " make him a home" and "keep him safe". Les and I were busy painting so I couldn't really supervise much at all. I do know that Avery's new domicile involved rocks, chalk, flowers, water and paper (Ev's contribution of course). By the time I got out to look at Avery, around 5 pm, it seemed to me that he was already ummmm, traumatized and on his way out of this realm of existence.
I found a jar anyway. Put him in there. With his paper and flowers.
And now? I am dreading the moment that Ev wants to go check on him. He will be nothing but a tiny corpse.
Maybe?
Maybe it won't be that bad. She did just say that "Avery sure was tired yesterday!" "Or maybe hurt but probably tired" .
I might just play it off like Avery was tired and is in a deep deep sleep. (The Big Sleep- but I may not clarify what that means).
This does mean that one night very soon ( before the rot starts) that I will be out there in my backyard, in the dark, secreting away the tiny remains of my daughter's friend.
Why, Avery? Why?
Friday, May 14, 2010
The Bean Giveth and The Taketh Away
I forgot to take a picture and I should have because the best part of my Mother's Day was the gift I got from Ev. It was a red, sparkly Christmas bag, filled up with various treasures. It had a wrench, a bit of scotch tape, a plastic jewel or two, several bits of paper with different meanings, a receipt, and a tiny screw driver: a typical Evelyn gift then. It also had the sweetest hand written card that said : "To Mama From Evelyn Dillon Like, Evelyn Dillon".
All was well in our little kingdom. I had my gift bag and it was being kept in the "place of honor" in the dining room. It stayed there until last night, when the poo hit the fan around here.
You see, I must explain. Ev has, for the first time in her life, become a picky eater. A vocal and picky eater. Now I have very little patience with this - it's true. I have handled this sitch-ee-ay-shun very well for a couple of weeks, I have just tried to be patient, cut out all sugary and junk treats- hoping that she would right herself.
She outlasted me.
Last night I had the unmitigated gall to put a schmear of refried beans on her taco.
I KNOW!!!!
Well, this resulted in what we now call "The Refried Bean Incident of 2010". A far as my ability to loose my grip goes, this was nothing because, shortly after she uttered the words "I DO NOT like this. With THESE beans" - you know the tone of voice she used? Well let's just say it was perfectly accompanied by a turned up nose and a defiant toss of the head.
Now the OLD me would have lost it completely and yelled and.....other things .Last night I just looked at Les and said "you better handle this".
She seemed unrepentant after a talk with Papa. The offending taco sat there cooling.
I looked at her and said "girl you might want to get somewhere else right now because I am mad and getting madder. Please go up to your room so I don't end up yelling at you for an hour. Let me calm down"
She went up.
I calmed down.
Les negotiated a treaty.
A few minutes later she said sweetly "mama did you notice? Where is your gift?"
The red sparkly bag of goodies was gone.
Revoked.
She was mad at me too, so she took her gift back. Smugly.
With good behavior I earned it back this morning around 10:30 am. I am glad because I desperately needed that old Dairy Queen receipt.
All was well in our little kingdom. I had my gift bag and it was being kept in the "place of honor" in the dining room. It stayed there until last night, when the poo hit the fan around here.
You see, I must explain. Ev has, for the first time in her life, become a picky eater. A vocal and picky eater. Now I have very little patience with this - it's true. I have handled this sitch-ee-ay-shun very well for a couple of weeks, I have just tried to be patient, cut out all sugary and junk treats- hoping that she would right herself.
She outlasted me.
Last night I had the unmitigated gall to put a schmear of refried beans on her taco.
I KNOW!!!!
Well, this resulted in what we now call "The Refried Bean Incident of 2010". A far as my ability to loose my grip goes, this was nothing because, shortly after she uttered the words "I DO NOT like this. With THESE beans" - you know the tone of voice she used? Well let's just say it was perfectly accompanied by a turned up nose and a defiant toss of the head.
Now the OLD me would have lost it completely and yelled and.....other things .Last night I just looked at Les and said "you better handle this".
She seemed unrepentant after a talk with Papa. The offending taco sat there cooling.
I looked at her and said "girl you might want to get somewhere else right now because I am mad and getting madder. Please go up to your room so I don't end up yelling at you for an hour. Let me calm down"
She went up.
I calmed down.
Les negotiated a treaty.
A few minutes later she said sweetly "mama did you notice? Where is your gift?"
The red sparkly bag of goodies was gone.
Revoked.
She was mad at me too, so she took her gift back. Smugly.
With good behavior I earned it back this morning around 10:30 am. I am glad because I desperately needed that old Dairy Queen receipt.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
All Things Boy
First of all- let's take a look at the boy in question. Not a new picture but cute all the same.
and penny racers.....
We now have a legitimate excuse for robots....
oh! and dump trucks!
Ray Guns!!!!
And things hand-made with not a hint of pink!
How fun is this? ALOT of fun. I have found that I love the clothes for girls best but the toys for boys? Better than "girl stuff" any day!
Now alot of these toys are things that were bought for Ev( 'casue I'm all about breaking gender roles) and now Liam gets to play with them. Let's just say he will not be getting her hand me down clothes ! ha!
Right. Mother's Day Did Happen....
On Sunday I spent the day.....wait for it........
Cleaning closets! Yes!!! How lucky am I?
No, that was NOT sarcasm. I was really and truly happy to be re-organizing closets. Why? Because it was to get Liam all moved in!!
Was there something, anything better than that? Finally being able to make real changes in our home that reflect the fact that we have a boy coming?
Early morning and mid-morning AND early afternoon passed with no one here even mentioning that it was Mother's Day. At lunch time Les mentioned that he had been pulling my gift together.
He had tickets for the three of us to go to Grease!
The tickets were for last night so that was our "official" celebration.
We all got dressed up. We went out for obscene amounts of sushi.
We got to the show.
It was Ev's first play/show and also her first real "Big" night out with us.
We had so much fun together.
It was perfect. I loved every minute.
Cleaning closets! Yes!!! How lucky am I?
No, that was NOT sarcasm. I was really and truly happy to be re-organizing closets. Why? Because it was to get Liam all moved in!!
Was there something, anything better than that? Finally being able to make real changes in our home that reflect the fact that we have a boy coming?
Early morning and mid-morning AND early afternoon passed with no one here even mentioning that it was Mother's Day. At lunch time Les mentioned that he had been pulling my gift together.
He had tickets for the three of us to go to Grease!
The tickets were for last night so that was our "official" celebration.
We all got dressed up. We went out for obscene amounts of sushi.
We got to the show.
It was Ev's first play/show and also her first real "Big" night out with us.
We had so much fun together.
It was perfect. I loved every minute.
I Was So Right
I know that I was right about Ev's current emotional state.
I knew at the time I wrote that last post.
Confirmation is always nice though.
As many of you know, Ev is not typical. Not in any way and certainly not in the way that most adopted kids are. She hardly ever brings up the subject on her own.
Tonight she did.
We were driving through Cleveland ( on our way to Grease at the Palace Theater- but that's another post) our tummies full of Sushi.
Out of the blue, Evelyn says "Mama? I am so glad you guys picked me. I wouldn't want anyone else in the whole world to be my mama and papa. I love you guys so much. You are a good mama and papa."
We told her that there was no other girl on the planet that would fit us like she did. That we loved her right back. That she was the absolute best thing that ever happened to us.
"humm." , said she. Then began to sing ......
I knew at the time I wrote that last post.
Confirmation is always nice though.
As many of you know, Ev is not typical. Not in any way and certainly not in the way that most adopted kids are. She hardly ever brings up the subject on her own.
Tonight she did.
We were driving through Cleveland ( on our way to Grease at the Palace Theater- but that's another post) our tummies full of Sushi.
Out of the blue, Evelyn says "Mama? I am so glad you guys picked me. I wouldn't want anyone else in the whole world to be my mama and papa. I love you guys so much. You are a good mama and papa."
We told her that there was no other girl on the planet that would fit us like she did. That we loved her right back. That she was the absolute best thing that ever happened to us.
"humm." , said she. Then began to sing ......
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
All Stirred Up
This impending sibling business has Evelyn all of a dither.
Now, these are just my observations and never having added a child to a home where there are already children, I may be talking outta my rear end. BUT. I think the things that I am seeing in Ev are there because she's in flux. Her home is changing. She is already sharing that spotlight.
Well. Hum.
It's goes like this. There are a few Evelyns right now. One of the few things saving me is that the timing of these "moods" is rather stable, so each mood has it's time of day. That means I can keep reminding myself who's going to show up next and say my mantra :"swami mommy swami mommy it's a tough tough change for a tiny tiny muffin"
Mornings are good. She is always best in the morning. So she hits my lap or bedside all smiley and hopeful, lovey and warm.
Mid-morning she brings The Snark out for a run.
Afternoon is Faux Adult Evelyn.
Evening is reserved for Dreary Girl.
By bedtime I am band-aiding up about 5 imaginary boo-boos, cuddling a weepy girl and taking lots and lots of time to get this "Regressed Rita" into bed.
I have had to drag her booster seat for the dinner table back down form the attic, she seems to be playing alot with the baby toys under the crib (like she used to, but how she knew this I don't know), we have even had to pick her up and put her in the crib for her to lay there and relax. She seems to have lost some of her ability to problem solve and the girl who wouldn't even think about letting me chose her clothes last week, will now wait patiently for me to deliberately take lots of time helping her. All of this coupled with random bouts of uber adult behavior: like driving advice or making lots and lots of very elaborate "what if" plans.
I am trying my best to give her that extra. The extra hug, the extra snuggles. The patient listening.
It's really not hard. I can see her struggling and I know why, and it's completely understandable. She's not going to be the solo act in this dog and pony show anymore. A brother is coming.
Her world is shifting.
She's trying to do it gracefully.
And for a five year old?
She's doing wonderfully.
She had to get three shots at the doctor today. In a way, I am glad. It means that there was a focus for all of these feelings. It means that she had a reason, that a vocabulary could be made, a dialog. I let her complain and cry. I let her lay on the couch until SHE was ready for bed. I even called her grandma at her request to tell of her trials.
She's afraid. Afraid of loosing us. Our love. This thing that we have.
I can not tell her so that she would understand. The only way for me to help her is to SHOW her. It will take time. We will have to go through this thing and get to the other side before she has her "ahh hah" moment.
Until then, I won't use words as my tools.
I will use this mother's love that runs so deep in me, it's almost painful.
Now, these are just my observations and never having added a child to a home where there are already children, I may be talking outta my rear end. BUT. I think the things that I am seeing in Ev are there because she's in flux. Her home is changing. She is already sharing that spotlight.
Well. Hum.
It's goes like this. There are a few Evelyns right now. One of the few things saving me is that the timing of these "moods" is rather stable, so each mood has it's time of day. That means I can keep reminding myself who's going to show up next and say my mantra :"swami mommy swami mommy it's a tough tough change for a tiny tiny muffin"
Mornings are good. She is always best in the morning. So she hits my lap or bedside all smiley and hopeful, lovey and warm.
Mid-morning she brings The Snark out for a run.
Afternoon is Faux Adult Evelyn.
Evening is reserved for Dreary Girl.
By bedtime I am band-aiding up about 5 imaginary boo-boos, cuddling a weepy girl and taking lots and lots of time to get this "Regressed Rita" into bed.
I have had to drag her booster seat for the dinner table back down form the attic, she seems to be playing alot with the baby toys under the crib (like she used to, but how she knew this I don't know), we have even had to pick her up and put her in the crib for her to lay there and relax. She seems to have lost some of her ability to problem solve and the girl who wouldn't even think about letting me chose her clothes last week, will now wait patiently for me to deliberately take lots of time helping her. All of this coupled with random bouts of uber adult behavior: like driving advice or making lots and lots of very elaborate "what if" plans.
I am trying my best to give her that extra. The extra hug, the extra snuggles. The patient listening.
It's really not hard. I can see her struggling and I know why, and it's completely understandable. She's not going to be the solo act in this dog and pony show anymore. A brother is coming.
Her world is shifting.
She's trying to do it gracefully.
And for a five year old?
She's doing wonderfully.
She had to get three shots at the doctor today. In a way, I am glad. It means that there was a focus for all of these feelings. It means that she had a reason, that a vocabulary could be made, a dialog. I let her complain and cry. I let her lay on the couch until SHE was ready for bed. I even called her grandma at her request to tell of her trials.
She's afraid. Afraid of loosing us. Our love. This thing that we have.
I can not tell her so that she would understand. The only way for me to help her is to SHOW her. It will take time. We will have to go through this thing and get to the other side before she has her "ahh hah" moment.
Until then, I won't use words as my tools.
I will use this mother's love that runs so deep in me, it's almost painful.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
5 Years Ago
Five years ago I reached out and grabbed Ev to my chest.
Five years ago we had a tiny muffin - all our own.
Five years ago my heart learned what it was like to love unconditionally.
Five years ago I was given the most precious gift.
Five years ago?
It feels like forever. It feels like a split second.
It feels too much like time is flying.
Five years ago our lives began.
Friday, May 7, 2010
F-Bomb Hat
This one is for Sammy.
Les had to go to "The Federal Building"(TFB) last week, for a Coast Guard thing. He had weeks to prepare but, and this is why I love this man, the night before he left his hat at the Station. Again in true Les fashion, he did not realize this until it was too late to make it 30 minutes to the Station and then 45 back the other way to TFB. This was a big deal because of the whole military, be-in-uniform thing.
This is what he did.
He had his fit. He only throws one a year so you know--alright have your fit. ( in comparison I have one a week so he's like the Rock of Gibraltar). Yeah. He was in every. single. nook. and. cranny. of the house. The entire house. And no hat. Now mind you, two months ago he moved ALL of his spare hats to the Station for "decorating his office"- all 33 of them. He was just hoping, in vain, that he had forgotten one.
There were no hats in this house.
There was no time to get any.
It WAS a fit so there was stomping and slamming and well, cussing. Alot of cussing. So much cussing that I, Queen of The Cuss was like "damn that's alot of cussing"
In the meantime I helped to save Ev's life because she kept trying to jump in The Fit and offer counseling about priorities and planning and eating that omelette right there on the counter....( she does leave something to be desired in the whole situational awareness area) ( also this is how little a fit affects her. She just keeps on being....Ev) I came in with the saving by clamping her mouth shut and thus rendering her invisible to The Stomping Cussing Wonder.
Then he left. He was out the door with a 'F@#%" and a wave.
It took Ev approximately 2 point 5 seconds to decide how she was going to process this event.
She slid off of the kitchen chair.
She donned a very, very sly grin.
She tilted her head down and began talking in a deliberate baritone. And stomping.
Then she said:
" Hi I'm Papa! Where is my hat?!?! My f-bomb hat. I need my f-bomb hat!!!! Woman do you hear what I said?!!? I am going to be stupid late!!!!! STOMP STOMP
Slam! STOMP! No f-bomb hat up here! "
And she went on like this for about 10 minutes. No. You do not understand. She was actually saying" f-bomb." Not THE word--the stand in for the word. "F-bomb." She did this whole diatribe in her "papa" voice.
I nearly died. I could feel my circle of willis pounding. I have NEVER, in my life, laughed as hard as I did right then.
Les had to go to "The Federal Building"(TFB) last week, for a Coast Guard thing. He had weeks to prepare but, and this is why I love this man, the night before he left his hat at the Station. Again in true Les fashion, he did not realize this until it was too late to make it 30 minutes to the Station and then 45 back the other way to TFB. This was a big deal because of the whole military, be-in-uniform thing.
This is what he did.
He had his fit. He only throws one a year so you know--alright have your fit. ( in comparison I have one a week so he's like the Rock of Gibraltar). Yeah. He was in every. single. nook. and. cranny. of the house. The entire house. And no hat. Now mind you, two months ago he moved ALL of his spare hats to the Station for "decorating his office"- all 33 of them. He was just hoping, in vain, that he had forgotten one.
There were no hats in this house.
There was no time to get any.
It WAS a fit so there was stomping and slamming and well, cussing. Alot of cussing. So much cussing that I, Queen of The Cuss was like "damn that's alot of cussing"
In the meantime I helped to save Ev's life because she kept trying to jump in The Fit and offer counseling about priorities and planning and eating that omelette right there on the counter....( she does leave something to be desired in the whole situational awareness area) ( also this is how little a fit affects her. She just keeps on being....Ev) I came in with the saving by clamping her mouth shut and thus rendering her invisible to The Stomping Cussing Wonder.
Then he left. He was out the door with a 'F@#%" and a wave.
It took Ev approximately 2 point 5 seconds to decide how she was going to process this event.
She slid off of the kitchen chair.
She donned a very, very sly grin.
She tilted her head down and began talking in a deliberate baritone. And stomping.
Then she said:
" Hi I'm Papa! Where is my hat?!?! My f-bomb hat. I need my f-bomb hat!!!! Woman do you hear what I said?!!? I am going to be stupid late!!!!! STOMP STOMP
Slam! STOMP! No f-bomb hat up here! "
And she went on like this for about 10 minutes. No. You do not understand. She was actually saying" f-bomb." Not THE word--the stand in for the word. "F-bomb." She did this whole diatribe in her "papa" voice.
I nearly died. I could feel my circle of willis pounding. I have NEVER, in my life, laughed as hard as I did right then.
Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Program
So that was fun. Two days of bliss over the LOA and then 3 days of paper work. I must say it wasn't like this when we did Ev's adoption. I remember just mailing our passports to the Agency and they got our Visas and such. Not so lucky this time around and man, do I miss the "good old days". I mean really? Visa 37, Provisional Approval, I-797C, I-800, Article 5, Letter of Acceptance, Second Letter of Acceptance......Whew! I am glad that we have a great agency because I am just following orders at this time, as I only have a rudimentary grasp on what is happening. Please do not read this as complaints- I am happy as a pig in mud. I am working. I am mailing things off. The word "travel" is cropping up all over the place. It is all supremely wonderful. We are moving towards our boy.
I learned two things: 1) My mother is a nervous wreck and 2) Despite her nerves we are good travel companions.
I also learned that Matt Fugate has not lost his charm as one little girl who never lets anyone close- fell head over heels for him and has talked of him everyday since then. Grandma Rose is no slouch either and I am afraid that she will be baking brownies for a whole new generation. ( I am not kidding Ev loved them both and let them both so close physically that it was a shock to me).
( Grandma and Grandpa? We will be back as soon as we can. )
Some highlights from the trip:
- Seeing Ev all snuggled up on my Grandpa's lap.
- Sleeping with Ev in the big bed I always chose to sleep in during my childhood visits to Grandpa's.
- Brevin wiggling in the back seat, talking very frankly about his bathroom functions and making the car smell awful- all with Grandma Rose in the car.
- Brevin going completely berserk in the middle of a restaurant because "mawmaw" went to the bathroom alone.
- Driving down the freeway with the two kids in the back seat under blankets, eating ice cream cones and fries while watching Star Wars.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Acceptance
Yesterday we sat down with some very important papers from China.
It was one more step in the paper work that provided us the chance to say that we want him.
I had to write the phrase "We accept Dang Ao Zhuang".
I wrote out that phrase.
We accept.
We do accept.
We have always accepted him.
I have had many chances to think about this part, I day dreamed of it for weeks, as a matter of fact. What I remember from Ev's adoption is that I was a total mess signing her Letter. I thought that it would be no big deal this time. Just sign it and mail it the hell out and get on with it. But I was wrong.
I sat there for a moment. I looked at the Letter of Acceptance. I looked at the words we had written in January and the Chinese translation of them. Underneath these words was where we had to write the phrase of acceptance. Suddenly my heart burst in my chest.
All of the love and acceptance that I feel for him in my heart just poured out.
All of my little day dreams swam through my mind.
Do we accept this little person?
Yes.
With every fiber of our beings. We accept.
We are willing to meet him where he is.
We are willing to take the slow boat to love.
We are willing to wait. To be there. To love. To lift up.
Do I expect HIM to accept us? Nope. Not one bit. I expect him to be wherever and whatever he is. I am hoping that I have in me, what he needs to get him to that acceptance of us. To let us in.
We accept.
We accept.
We accept.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Three Little Letters
L
O
A
That's right. I said it. LOA!!!!!!
We got out LOA yesterday. (Letter Of Acceptance or letter Seeking Confirmation From the Adopter)
This is the next thing that we were waiting for. Now we have to sign that, overnight it back and it gets sent off to China. Along with that, we have other forms to send out to Immigration and blah blah blah... The word is that once we get out I-800A Submitted to Immigration, we have an 11- 14 week wait to travel.
Sounds like a long time to wait right? Maybe. But now we have a timeline. Now we are not waiting and waiting with no end in sight.
We have an end in sight and that makes all the difference.
In typical Dillon fashion we waited all of this time with nothing going on. Today we have the LOA stuff to do, Gymnastics, and a little thing called the Service Wide Exam that Les is taking for advancement.
In other news, the dining room is painted.
O
A
That's right. I said it. LOA!!!!!!
We got out LOA yesterday. (Letter Of Acceptance or letter Seeking Confirmation From the Adopter)
This is the next thing that we were waiting for. Now we have to sign that, overnight it back and it gets sent off to China. Along with that, we have other forms to send out to Immigration and blah blah blah... The word is that once we get out I-800A Submitted to Immigration, we have an 11- 14 week wait to travel.
Sounds like a long time to wait right? Maybe. But now we have a timeline. Now we are not waiting and waiting with no end in sight.
We have an end in sight and that makes all the difference.
In typical Dillon fashion we waited all of this time with nothing going on. Today we have the LOA stuff to do, Gymnastics, and a little thing called the Service Wide Exam that Les is taking for advancement.
In other news, the dining room is painted.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)