Head Trauma

Les has an ear infection. Now a double ear infection because despite the fact that he is on antibiotics- his right ear has started hurting. Earlier today he put his ear drops in and then plugged them with toilet paper (toilet paper is what we quasi-hill billies use instead of a cotton ball). He was walking around with these tufts of tp sticking out of both ears. The Bean got real interested. She kept staring at him and asking "Papa does that hurt?" and he would tell her no, it's just there keeping his ears from leaking. She kept staring and asking and then she said "Papa are you saying that when you put that THROUGH your head- it did not hurt?"
Then I realized why she was so concerned. She thought that he put a strand of toilet paper in one ear and then pushed it through his entire head until it was sticking out the other ear!!!!!! HA!! HA!!
After we were done laughing we showed her how it worked, that it was NOT through his head.
She was not amused.
We were.

Peeling Oranges

My Mom has always had this expression, I can remember her saying it waaaayyyy back into my childhood. It goes like this , the kid asks for something, anything really but something that the parent is not going to get to quickly or maybe never or it is something silly that the kid is asking for, like they do. Well, then the parent says "As soon as I am done peeling this orange", in other words "no, you are nuts to ask now go and play while I sit here and let my eye twitch". No, really that's what it means. I NEVER thought this answer was funny. I was always a bit irritated at it in fact- I guess that's the point.
You know how they say that when you get a certain age and you have kids and you open your mouth to respond to them and then, WHAM! your Mom falls out of your mouth? That happened to me last week.
The Bean and I were in a grocery store and she wanted something silly and expensive - I honestly can not even remember what it was now -and I completely surprised myself by saying "yeah sure as soon as I get done peeling this orange". Apparently my daughter has the same reaction to this answer that I did, except she is a bit more vocal and confrontational than I was as a child. She sat straight up in the cart, sighed and looked right at me and said (this is a quote, an exact quote by the way- this I remember) "What? You don't even have an orange. What is that supposed to mean anyway? Peel an orange? Really, why don't you just tell me no and get it over with?" Yeah she said that.
The older than me lady that was standing near us started laughing and nearly choked. She looked at me and said "My, you have a smart and feisty one on your hands don't you?"
Sheesh lady, you don't know the half of it.

What's Been Going On

• My husband has been recovering from an ear infection. An ear infection? I have no idea how a fully grown and healthy man in his thirties with no cold or sinus infection in the previous weeks ended up with an ear infection. I just know that it was bad enough to send him to the ER in the middle of the night (I was at Smokewood preparing for the County Fair so I was really no help to him when he was his sickest).
• Evelyn has started back up in Gymnastics. She is stoked. She has a class with her favorite teacher and there are only 2 other girls in her class.
• Jodi had her purse stolen. She lost her wallet, her keys, her cards...it was pretty awful.
• I have reached a new stage in my weight loss plan. It is time to kick it up a notch. I have to buckle down more on the calories and get VERY regular about my work outs. I am looking forward to it. I am now feeling so good and so used to having that work out that I crave it. I now love to sweat.
• Ev has a touch of a cold. It's just bad enough that she feels it, it's pretty mild, I have not needed to medicate her or anything. She notices though and is perplexed by the whole thing. She is convinced she "picked up the germs" at the fair and is now wondering why I ever took her to such a germy place. I reminded her that was where the rides and Cotton Candy were and she seemed to think that it was worth the risk after all.
• I was wandering around a book store yesterday and I was thinking "I should be looking for books for the baby" then I glanced down and there was a book right in front of me that has the boy's name we have picked out - right in the title. I bought the book. And am now nearly completely convinced that have a son on the way.
• The Dermatologist performed a hack job on my left arm! That's the arm that I nearly passed out with because he was digging all around and well...it was gross. Then he got a stitch too tight and it really needed 3 stitches instead of 2 and now that scar tissue is back and bigger than ever and it is all red with a sore in the middle and well....it's gross and I am mad. Also? He went off on this weird political rant when I was there and sort of stood in front of the door and I had to get nasty with him to get out. Weird.

A Walk In The Flowers

The day before the fair my Mom and I took the kids to a local place that has the grounds all laid out with beautiful flower beds and brick paths and fountains and a duck pond. We fed the ducks and walked around with the kids. It was the nicest afternoon I have had in a long time. I was able to walk around and talk with Mom while the kids ran around feeling like they were discovering all of these hidden paths and secret places. I took a bunch of flower pictures and maybe I will post them on their own but for now, here are a few pictures of Mom and the kids. I love watching my Mom with her Grandchildren, she loves them so very much. She just knows how to talk with them or soothe a boo boo and make them feel as if they are the single most important thing in the universe (they truly are to her).

Oh! For The Love of Chickens

We went to a County Fair. We went with my sister, Brevin , a long time friend of Lissa's- Jenny and her son Jace. We were smart enough to attend in the afternoon when the crowds were thin and the music hadn't been turned on yet. After being at a County Fair as an adult, I am wondering "what's the big deal?"

I started the day full of excitement and wonder. All of that quickly dissipated when I realized the following things

1.) the actual expense of the fair

2.) that farm animals do indeed, stink to high heaven

3.)carnies give me a feeling of anxiety

4.)the rides seem barely fit for experimentation on safety dummies, let alone my precious daughter and nephew and Jace

5.) Farm animals poop- alot

Then it rained. And my sister nearly killed us all with her umbrella. Multiple times.(no really she did, ask Jenny)

Then we decided to head into the chicken tent because I LOVE chickens. Well, I used to love chickens. The smell. Oh my Gawd the smell. Evelyn and Brevin ended up doing this whole synchronized dry heaving thing that will live in infamy in my mind. It was a thing to behold. I am sure that Jenny and Jace think we are all absolutely whacko - well we are and she has known this for many years , it's not our fault she keeps coming back for more. Because it's now like "The Cottrill Girls Are Moms-RUN. Run for your life!" where we just used to be moody teenagers with moods. Where was I? Oh yeah the Fair.

There was Pony Riding. That was cool. I especially loved watching my nephew do that stiff legged, "no way in hell imonna get on that beast" thing with my sister, who did NOT notice that Brev was actively resisting because she was talking with Jenny, she just thought Brev was heavy. The he was all "oh I am on this thing and Mommy did not notice my fit? I like this, I hate this, oh well, let's ride"

Also my sister? In a cow barn? Hands down worth every cent, dry heave and umbrella related eye injury.

I am trying to decide if the quote of the day is Melissa saying "oh GOD! Stay away from their butts!" OR Brev saying "Mommy dis dinks!" OR Ev going "Nope. I am NOT Ok. I am going to throw up!"

Also Ev fell down -alot. I had her in a white sweater and new shoes so of course she fell.

Then there was this boat ride? That Brev could not manage because it was jolting him around and he was all rubber backed and getting the poop literally shook outta him and he cried and we could hardly rescue him because we were laughing at the way his entire body was swaying one way and his head was bobbing the other way (Mom , really you would have laughed too. The guy stopped the ride right away and Lissa got hi quick, in between chuckles) It was after Brev was out of his boat and the ride continued, that his boat was kind of "off" and much more jerky than the others.

Also I got the single coolest picture of sheep balls-EVER.

In summary: The County Fair, A Hellish Experience that I can not wait to repeat. Especially if it means I get to see my sister in a cow barn again because that is some funny &*%# people

Oh! Yes. The kids loved every minute, well not the 1.5 minutes in the chicken tent but, other than that- love.

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• The ten days for my stitches is up on Thursday. I am interested to see if I will nearly pass out this time. What a wimp I can be.
• I am going to try and re-schedule that appt for either a day sooner or later as Ev and I want to sashay our way to Smokewood to have some time with the Grandparents and also go to a County Fair with Lissa and Brevin. Well, either way we are going....I already have the bags packed.
• I am hoping a little visit with family will sort of settle the beast that is my daughter right now. I spoke a leee-tuhl too soon about her gettting back to normal.
• There has been ALOT of adoption talk around here lately and I am thinking that is what is contributing to Ev's erratic moods. I think she just gets unsettled and has a hard time sorting thru things. Earlier in the week we ended up talking abot pregnancy and the like (in a very general way) and that led to a very deep and emotional conversation that left us both teary and tired and worn out.
• Last night she told me that I was her step mother so we had more of a talk that ended in tears (good ones just like before) and.....I don't know . I hope I am doing this right.
• Evelyn found this little lady bug lapel pin that I wore during the wait for her. She is now wearing it for her "brother or sister or twin".
• I have decided that I would like to get my hair colored for the fall/winter. I am thinking a dark, dark brown -almost black color. I will NOT do it at home this time. I WILL pay to have it done professionally.
• I wish we were leaving for China next week. I am feeling like my baby is born and in this world and I want him/her in my arms. NOW.
• I watch Brevin and Evelyn together and they get along so well and are so very close that I am afraid that The Younger may mess that up. I love that they are close and rely on each other. Maybe they have room for one more in that special little club.
• Having written the previous statement, the kids will probably fight like cats and dogs at the Fair.
• I am going off to have another good cry because I just re-read that bit about Ev calling me her step mother and it makes my heart hurt so bad that she has to try and work these things out. I would not change the way she came into my life for anything, I would, however, change the pain that her beginnnings have caused her.

36; and then the Sandman got Brevin

Yesterday I turned 36. Thirty six. My Grandma called me yetserday and sang the birthday song to me, just like she does every year. When she was done singing she asked me if I felt old. I have to say that last ear on my birthday I felt so much older than I do now. I guess with all of the fitness routines and expecting another baby and all I just feel young. The numbers don't match my self image at all. I guess it will feel this way for many years now.





On Sunday - Les and Evelyn had many whispered conversations during the early morning and they left mid-morning to "go look at motor oil". They promised to be back before my parents got here. I had a nice couple of hours just bumming around the quiet house, even Billy was off sleeping somewhere so I had a dose of much needed solitude. When Les and Ev got back home, Ev was full of ear to ear grins, whispered consultations with her Papa and many secrets. I was told that they did indeed, look at motor oil. I had to close my eyes for a couple of their trips through the house and then there was this whole session of the two of them being locked in Ev's room. It did not take a genius to figure out that there were some birthday surprises underway. Eventually I was told that the big brown bag in the freezer was "yellow soy beans". Apparently this was Ev's idea, she wanted me to be completely surprised by my ice cream cake and she had the idea to get a brown bag and label it yellow soy beans, Les did that and I was "non the wiser".





Mom and Dad arrived with Brev (Lissa was at work) and we sat down for a nice visit. Mom and Dad got me my very own Pandora bracelet! We then talked some more and then Mom and I ran out for pizza.





After we ate the pizza and that settled it was time for the cake. Les and Ev got the cake all ready and carried it in and I was very surprised to learn that there were no REAL soybeans in the freezer after all. While enjoying the cake, Ev wanted to bring me down my gift from her. This was all from her, the idea, the card, the wrapping. I knew that I was in for some tears when I saw this:












I had no idea what was inside the card though. Inside was a hand written message from my daughter to me on my birthday. I can remember only one other time in my life being flooded with so much good emotion and love and that was when I took her into my arms the first time. This was her message:









What else could a mother want?





I had a box of my favorite perfume that I just ran out of and Ev knew that and desperately wanted me to have more because she knows how I love it (Tresor by Lancome). There was also a mermaid bookmark that she picked out because she knows that I am forever loosing my place while reading.





So I am reading this card and crying all over the place and I felt like my chest was going to explode. Then as each adult in the room read that card, they started tearing up too. Les knew what was in it but he too got emotional when He saw the impact it had on me. There we were all of us sitting there crying and being sappy. It got real quiet for a minute and then you could hear Brevin say "the Sandman got my eyes!". I looked and he was all teared up too, without understanding exactly why. (he is a very tender hearted little guy and cries whenever he is around strong emotions- I love that about him). The only dry eyes in the room belonged to Ev who couldn't quite figure out why we were all emotional (ever practical that girl- I love that about HER).





Earlier in the month I got tickets for the Broadway show "Wicked" that will be playing here in Cleveland - this from Les. I have wanted to see that since it came out and he remembered. I also get to pick out a cooking class to attend with Jodi (from Jodi).


It seems that this may go down in the books as my best birthday ever. EVER.

Summer Fun

I have had these awhile but just figured out how to get pictures from my iphone up to the blog....

This was an afternoonin late July or early August. Dad took Ev out for a spin in his classic convertable (Pontiac Le Mans but do not ask me the year). She loved it. In the front seat, no roof, the wind in her hair, her Gramps at her side. There was even a stop for ice cream. She is still talking about this ride- whenever she sees another convertible on the road,we hear all about her ride in Grandpa's car. She wasn't the only one who enjoyed it, it was pretty sweet for her Mama and her Grandpa too. We ended up riding through a State park and eventually, after a looong struggle, Evelyn fell asleep. I know that she will remeber this afternoon for her whole life- it was that good.

She's Ba-aack!!

Not back to herself exactly but back to some semblance of the girl we know and love. We have been having "a bit of a go" with her lately. She has been in a stage. A "stage", I mean.
She has been testing us and trying new and unusual things. I have to say that I should have been more on top of things but I get tired of being so on top of things all of the time. I let some behaviors slide and I would just lecture and talk and there were no real consequences for her. (I do NOT mean spankings as discipline or consequences) So she just got worse and worse. Defiance, sarcasm, general rottenness.... It got old. We had a HORRIBLE night the other night. I had to be tough and tough and tough. I had to put all of that stuff I should have been doing for weeks into one night. It was ugly.
That is so hard for me. It is hard for me to be the one that is saying, "NO" with some follow up action to help re-enforce what I say. Like, "Evelyn please do action A" then she just stands there and looks at me and shakes her head no and I have to get tough and make her listen and then devise some consequence. Time and time again. I turned to alcohol as soon as she was in bed that night. I am holding my breath now. She seems to have gotten that we are back on track and that she is not running the show, with just a few slips now and again that I am vigilant in watching for.

It is hard for me to be this person in Ev's life. I want to be her friend and play mate. I want to be the one that makes her laugh and smile. I want to be carefree with her. I want to loose that responsibility of rounding her out as a person. I am starting to understand why my parents are so ga-ga over the grandkids- it's so nice to just be able to spoil them and play with them and be soft everywhere all of the time. It seems a bit unfair that I waited my whole life to be the Mama and then I found out that being the Mama means being the tough one. It means that Leslie and I are the ones that are responsible for her success in life. I don't mean monetary success, I mean "human" success- being a good person, being kind and polite and respectful and well rounded and not afraid and willing to try new things and strong minded and ...... oh. It's so much. I try to find the balance. That's all I can do. That, and love her -but the loving sure does come easy. Even when she is rotten.

Chicken Entrails

I feel like I should consult some form of fortune telling. I mean, I keep having these dreams of baby boys and I am starting to wonder a bit..... Will we really have a son?
I had a dream last night that I was in this place and they had all of these babies and I was walking through and looking at them. It was a bit surreal though, all of the babies were wrapped up in those polar fleece snugglies and hanging up on hangers, the idea was that they were waiting for their families I guess, they were all kind of asleep too. Well, I was walking around and I kept ending up in the "boy's department"- every time I tried to get to the girls to look at them, I would spin and be right back at the boys. There was this one baby I really liked and I took him down to hold him and then Barack Obama came in ( in a gray tweed suit with a dapper yellow scarf) and told me "not right now Mrs. Dillon, you have to leave him here for awhile yet" I said okay, but I did make a complaint that he was cold and I wanted him to be kept warm, then George W. Bush made some sarcastic remark and Barack Obama asked him to leave me alone. Then I left because Mr. President said my baby would be fine. I woke up with the feeling of the soft down of his hair still on my palms where I was rubbing his head (the baby's not Obama's).
So. What do I think? Will we have a boy? I will let you know when we get a referral.
Anyone know a good fortune teller?

The Difference A Day Makes

Yesterday, I was cluggin' along doing fine. No worries. Happy as a clam. Then my husband came home from work and he started talking about some things that are going on with another family at the CG Station. It wasn't bad news for that family and I am not sure I want to talk about what upset me so much or why I was so upset. I just was. Sad. I got very sad.
Well, then there is Evelyn. Who noticed I think, and she was luminous, smiling, sitting on my lap, talking quietly to me, telling me I am her best girl in the whole world. Oh how much did that help? I can not explain. I was still a little sad and had not had a chance to really get it out, except in a call with my Mom (how much did she help? ALOT) and lets just say that I had a little more than a single phone calls worth....So later when Ev was asleep, I crept into her room and hugged her sleeping body to me and I cried. I cried grateful tears and tears of joy and then I felt better.
I awoke today thinking that the tender little girl from the day before would be around.
I could not have been more wrong.
I went from clutching her to me in wondrous adoration to, ummm sitting on my hands to keep from shaking the rotten-ness right out of her. In 24 hrs or less.
Gotta love Motherhood.

Stuff

• I went yesterday to have these small lumps of what I think is random scar tissue excised outta my forearms- one lumpy bit on each arm. The big ole tuff nurse that can hold a 4 year old down while she gets like 100 stitches in her face? yeah this chic. Nearly passes out at a simple punch biopsy in her own arm! Nice.
• The Bean has a new joke. It's "smooshed cheeto". That's right just say smooshed cheetos after anything and it becomes uproariously funny. Like fall down and roll on the ground funny. She honestly has no idea why Les and I do no not fall down at this phrase.
• Evelyn told Les that she was "old, so very old". When he looked at her she then said "yeah, you know, like I am so totally five-ish right now. I can not stand it"
• They are having this anniversary showing of The Wizard of Oz in HD, in select theaters across the country on Sept 23. I would like to go but the cost is $10 a ticket and I have recently boycotted theaters due to the high costs.
• I have lost a total of 10 pounds.
• I had a dream last night that I had my two children with me. Ev and a little boy. He was running and playing with Ev and they were laughing and at one point he ran up and I caught him in my arms and swung him around. His name was Dong Fan. I have to look up what Dong Fan may mean.
• That is not the first dream I have had about having two kids with me. In the first one I was cooking and Ev was on a chair at one side and there was another child at my right. I could not remember the child when I awoke, but I do know that we were all talking and being silly.
• Les is back to work after a week off. It blows. The weather is so nice right now, I just want him with us every minute -enjoying life.
• We have to try and decide if we are going to have a fall trip this year. Our choices are stay at home, go to Chicago, or go to North Carolina to Uncle Chris's big Halloween blow out.

Lucy Whoosie

Lucy up there is Ev's new favorite friend. It's a blanket. It's name is Lucy Whoosie and if you think that I did NOT have to wrack my brain to divise a spelling of that name that wasn't inappropriate-think again. This blanket thing has a bear head on it, kind of on the diagonal so a kid can wear it like a bear cape, then it has little bear mitten corner/paws that she can out her hands into, also a little tail on the back. It really is cute and I handed it to her at the store the other day as a joke kind of but she fell in love. It has benn pretty warm weather around here and despite the heat, Ev has been walking around draped in polar fleece.

And It Only Took Her One Summer

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My family never lets me forget that it took me two WHOLE summers to master the art of riding a bike without training wheels. Imagine my pride when it has taken Ev about a week. Leslie has been working with her, he has run about 12 miles up and down our street and has had the patience of a Saint. The end result is a very happy and proud girl that is "totally a big girl now". She is so proud of herself that I think her chest might explode.
I feel the same way.
So does her Papa.

Pride Cometh- or- Why I forgot the tortilla chips

Les this is why you have no tortilla chips to munch on right now:

I got dressed yesterday to go to the grocery store. The outfit chosen was a "regular day going to buy milk" outfit- your basic tank top and some light sport capri's. I was choosing not to mess with my hair but hardly ever go out without make-up on so I sat down to do The Face. In the middle of making up- Billy jumps on my chair, behind me, all silent like then he goes "ppprrrppppttt!!!!" in my ear and scares the religion right outta me- he loves to do that. This means that the very gloppy mascara wand I was holding gets dropped and I get a huge black smudge all down the front of me. Fine.

After I stop shaking from the fright. I go upstairs to change. I then realize why I have been silently berating myself to iron that mountain of clothes on my ironing table- I have nothing else casual to wear. I had to spruce it up a bit.

When I looked at myself in my new black tank top, I realized that my hair would need to be brought up to speed. I did my hair.

I left the house and arrived at the grocery store.

I get almost all of the way done, I have just a few more things to grab, like the specifically requested tortilla chips and some very important salami. But there I am, deep in the store and I realize that I feel good. I mean I AM kind of dressed up and wearing make-up and perfume and my legs are shaved and my hair cam out fabo. I am walking along and thinking about how great I look and WHAM!!!!!! A divine being that will remain un-named brings me back to earth.

Because I tripped.

Over nothing.

In the middle of the store.

Not just an "oh I just stumbled a bit and can cover that up" but an "OH! CRAP! Now I need to take three huge half running steps to re-assert my normal center of gravity kind"of trip. Over nothing. A huge trip, then a whomp whomp whomp to regain bodily control.

But.

Somewhere between the second and third whomp, I had to release the shopping cart because it was hindering my ability to windmill my arms about maniacally. But with the first two whomps and that initial trip, that damned old cart had gained momentum. For a shopping cart: momentum plus freedom equals ......?

Well, if it is anywhere near the bread display, it means that the cart slams into the bread shelves which are obviously the victims of poor QA (quality assurance) because they are flimsy and wobble alot and well, alot of bread flew all over the place. Thankfully it landed mostly in the run away cart, so that was helpful.

A very helpful teenager that had a name tag on so I assume he works there. This kid, I swear his mother still has to remind him to brush his teeth- he kind of shuffles over and sideways asks me if "I like need any help" - like we are at the mall and the cool kids are watching. I refuse to be helped by him but find myself admitting that I really did just trip over nothing. Why did I have to confess that bit of trivia to Teen Wolf? I have no idea, it's one of the great mysteries of me.

So that is why I always go to the grocery looking like I just came off a four day drunk- otherwise I would take the entire place down, one aisle at a time.

Cousins v.s. The World

We attended a family picnic this Labor Day Weekend. It was my Mom's family. She is one of 9 children. Ev and I were 2 in a crowd that was 65 or so strong. Imagine all of those people being here on this planet because of one couple- it boggles the mind. Everyone was family-except for the occasional boy friend or girl friend. These are Aunts and Uncles and Cousins that we see very irregularly- some I haven't seen for 15 years!

So there was this roving hoarde of children there. Lots of children. Evelyn was taken back for sure. Until Brevin arrived- she stayed very close to me or my Grandma or my Aunt Tanya. Once Brevin got there, they stood like this for awhile- watching the crowd, making game plans. I asked Evelyn why they stood like this for so long and she replied "we were watching to see who the nice ones were so we would know who to play with". Smart kids.

Later she told me that every kid was nice except for the one kid who called her Japanese and then tromped over Brev in a water gun fight- she does NOT like that kid. She said, and I quote "I got so mad when he stepped all over my cousin (never mind that technically this kid was her cousin too) I wanted to beat the crap outta him but he was too big so I just shot him a whole bunch of times with my water gun. In the face". I think this is when he called her Japanese because she told her Papa that he said "stop squirting me Japanese girl". So -other than the very mild racial slander, which was more or less simple confusion on the kids part- and let me say that Ev was probably relentless in her Aqua Justice- so it was probably very easy for him to be confused- Ev had a great time.

So did I.

I'm Gettin' It

I have had to stop my daily walking for a week now. I have that blasted tendonitis.
I was walking about 3.5 miles a day with Leslie. I am starting to look good. I have struggled with weight for years now. For months I have been lolling about- eating terrible and wondering why The Cosmos has done me wrong. Now I DO have PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome)- which is this thing that no one really understands so it is not even a DISEASE it's a SYNDROME people. The long and short of it is PCOS is a hormonal imbalance that disrupts the normal workings of fertility and insulin. It makes you fat. Indeed. That means that my body can not handle all of that sweet junk that I was constantly putting in my face. It just can't.

I woke up one morning a few weeks ago and something had changed. Instead of laying about and moaning about my fate- I decided to fight back. Things had been rolling about in my head for a bit, things like worrying over diabetes, tired of feeling miserable and hating myself, tired of not having any energy, tired of being a victim. Tired of hiding behind The Syndrome. The thing is, I looked at my family tree and wondered who in there had a strong will. I thought no one. Then I remembered my Grandpa Matt. He was diagnosed with Diabetes and he refused to let it get him. He controls his diabetes with diet and exercise- this is amazing if you don't know. I am a Nurse- I very RARELY see anyone fight so hard to do what their body needs. I realized that if Grandpa could do it- I could do it. I could fight back.

I started walking. I mean, that minute. I looked in the mirror, and I decided and I put shoes on and I went for a walk. I called Les afterwards and told him there was a new Sheriff in town. He said "You're back".

I did not stop with the exercise. I am watching what I eat. I have cut my calories down by 2/3. Yes, I am eating enough and I am not starving- that's just how much I would OVER eat before. I also went to the Doc and got back on some meds that help with PCOS. I am also taking a thing my sister found with research - it's an amino acid that PCOS'rs lack- it helps with that whole insulin/food thing.

You see I have lost weight and I am looking pretty good. I have lost over a whole inch on my waist, I have lost cellulite on my thighs, I have to tighten my belt more and some of my pants fall off of me. I haven't wanted to say much because I don't want to jinx myself. I want to keep the focus on DOING and not TALKING.

The other thing is that I have noticed a DRASTIC improvement in my mental state. I am more like myself. These past few months I had started to slide into Depression. Like no energy, hate myself, can't bother to cook, clean or play type stuff. I was still getting stuff done but it was a struggle. Now things are coming easier. I am laughing alot- like I used to. I am just better.

I think I will keep this exercise gig up. I like who I am on it.

I know this because during my week off to rest my leg- I have started to slide mentally a bit. I noticed yesterday that I didn't really care if I ate some chocolate. I was slipping....
We are headed out to the park right now and I can't wait to sweat and feel myself moving and know that I am doing more than changing my body. I am being the best that I can be for my family.

Les and I are doing this together which helps. He is right there with me. Otherwise I might not be so successful. (by the way he has lost over 20 pounds and looks like he did when we married)

Belly Laugh

In the past week or two, I have noticed a change in The Bean. She has developed a "big person's laugh". No more quiet little giggles and tittering- now when something strikes her fancy and she laughs -it is a raucous, open and loud belly laugh.

It is, in fact, so lovely to hear that Les and I find ourselves going out of our way to hear it. Like driving thru every puddle along the road, like pretending to fall down alot, like saying the same silly jokes over and over again- you know, the dignified stuff.

The Fine Art of Compromise

Leslie learned the dangers of "yeah-yeah-ing" The Bean today.

As I mentioned they were out tinkering in the garage/workshop. All day.

It seems that Les was adding an entire new section of "bench" to his work bench. At one point he was busy measuring or figurin' or something and Ev must have said something along the lines of "well, since you are making a NEW workbench, this old one right here can be mine"- then he yeah-yeahed her. In her mind then it's a done deal. She now has a workbench. Cool. It's real, it's dirty, it has all kinds of jars of nails and screws, it has a light- much better than that one Brev has in Grandma's living room. Now it doesn't matter if you are half listening and on automatic pilot when responding to her---- a deal has been struck. She also knows when you are on auto pilot because she sure can call ME out on it when it suits her, however, if you are unfortunate enough to strike a deal in this beta wave zone- well, it's struck in her mind. A done deal. A blood oath of sorts.

I have learned this lesson after nearly loosing a sewing machine, a car, all my jewelry and my entire make-up collection. Leslie has not- until today experienced this.

So she thinks she has a work bench. In the garage. It's hers. Now then she starts worrying about the safety of the garage, who can enter it, Papa's friends (who are coming tomorrow) should probably NOT go into the garage, her baby sister or brother or twin should really not. Then she starts really obsessing and Les gets a clue. He realizes that he just unwittingly entered into a verbal contract to here-in abide by those four feet of prime realty work bench being Ev's.

He gets huffy a bit.

She gets huffy back.

Voices get raised.

A compromise is reached.

Apparently Leslie can now use HER workbench without asking her for permission but he can not touch her hammer or projects, he gets to say who can come and go in the garage and it's now called "Our Workshop".

Lesson learned.

It was a close one, because, apparently my car almost lost permission to park in there.

Bullets

• Les and I just finished watching the final episode of Battlestar Gallactica (sniff sniff sob). Not to get too geektastic on anyone but, that is probably the single best series on tv-evar!!
• My cat gets into my lazy susan cupboard thingy. Alot. Once he even got stuck in there for a few hours because I didn't know he was in there and I shut the door and well, he got stuck. So the point is that he knocks canned goods all over the place and I can be found- frequently- on my hands and knees straining like hell to get that can of baby corn that is rattling around in the back corner and preventing the lasy susan from lazy-ing. The thing is, it's always a can of something that I have had since New York- some wierd can that I wouldn't bother to get of it hadn't clogged up the whole spinny system. If I try to send the very flexible and diminutive child after the stuff- she can, for some wierd twist of irony, NEVER find it.
• While digging around in the lazy susan last night for a can of Hominy or something, I realized how very weird I am. Because there I am, in a t-shirt and panties, on my hands and knees, reaching all the way to hell for this canned good that I nor anyone I know will EVER eat, cussing and grunting. It dawned on me that when the Apocalypse comes, I will search at the back of all of the abandoned, suburban lazy susan spinny cupboards to find enough baby corn and hominy to feed me and my family for at least 2 years then, by that time our little gun guarded garden will be producing enough to keep us fed and thus, continue the human race. Then I realized the depth of my weirdness.
• The Bean is spending the day with Papa. In the garage. She has been hammering nails into the same piece of scrap wood for about 5 hours now. She stops long enough to pee, eat a yogurt and make a run to the hardware store. They are both out there working and little snippets of conversation drift out over the sound of tools and hammering. I just heard her tell her Papa that this was her best day ever. I guess we should have saved ourselves both the money and the trouble of a trip to Cedar Point.
• We scored a set of three high school lockers at a garage sale yesterday. Twenty bucks. They are already painted and full of winter stuff on my back porch. They look awesome.
• I have no idea what makes me think that I would be able to grow a garden when the Apocalypse comes. We planted a few things this year and only one single sunflower managed to grow. We are doomed.
• While Les and Ev have been out hammering things (with no notable progress to an onlooker what so ever) I have been inside- cleaning. Don't laugh. I never get to clean in peace anymore. It has been nice. I even manged to get all of the ceiling fans dusted and I cleaned behind the washer and I even cleaned the basement up and got started on laundry.
• I have tendonitis in my right leg. This means that I have had to suspend the walking program for a bit. I am getting nervous because I was doing so well and loosing weight and starting to reclaim myself. Tomorrow I am starting Aerobics and then in a coupla days I will reinstate the walking. I have been very diligent about my eating though- trying to maintain.

Just a reminder

This is Butter Bean when her being encompassed that nickname. Butter. Bean.

This is where we have been. What does the future hold?

I have no idea but I do know that it will be interesting and that my heart will melt about a thousand times a day.

I know that I wouldn't miss this journey with Evelyn for anything.

My Mom Is In The Dog House

With me.
She took time off of work and jumped in the car. Then she grabbed my Dad and they headed off for Indiana.
What's in Indiana you ask?
My Grandpa and Grandma.
I could have gone.
I have nothing on my plate for a couple of days.
Who thought to call me?
Neither parent- that's who.

Grandma and Grandpa, I could be there right now regaling you with tales of China travel and raising a very smart kid. I could be there complaing about what I think is tendonitis in my right leg. I could be there eating all of the great food Grandma cooks.
But I'm not.
(Grandma this is where you look at my Mom with reproach)
Really. It would have been so much fun for my Grandparents to have full access to my talkative self and my talkative daughter.
Have fun Nellie.
Have fun Jack.
Just know that the Grands are secretly wishing I was there.

Hillbilly Stain

For months now, my car has had an oil leak. A very bad oil leak. So everywhere I parked, I would leave behind a huge, black hillbilly stain on the pavement. This is no big deal in public lots but my driveway was becoming a nightmare and I never wanted to park in the driveways of friends and family - it was a nuisance. Then there was the added problem of having to constantly be checking the oil and refilling it, knowing that if we forgot, the engine could fail entirely. It was stressful and expensive. This leak was so bad that an hours worth of driving may lead to the car being down and entire quart of oil- or two. It was the "Rear Main Seal".
I refuse to try and get technical here(umm because I can't). Let's just say that it was a minor problem that required MAJOR work to reach and fix. It was literally a job of a few minutes that would require HOURS of manual labor to reach and then HOURS to out everything back.
We checked on the cost of a shop repair- two thousand dollars. TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS!! Really.
The alternative to the big cash lay out was to find a great at home mechanic that had the tools and the know how and the heart to help us out. Where would one find such a person?
Smokewood, that's where. Jack to the rescue.
He worked for what was literally a week straight on that thing. The cost was under $200.
When he was done, his neck and back were sore, his arthritis in is hands was hurting and I think it will take a few more days for him to get fully rested. But he did it. The old man still has it. Now, Leslie was there helping for the big parts and when we were there, Les and Dad worked together for hours at a time getting that car apart and back together. But the real star is Dad.
I have spent my life watching that man work on cars, I have been underneath the vehicles, "assisted" in only the way that little girls can help their Daddy's. I have gone to the parts stores with him. I will never stop being amazed at the way Dad can work magic on busted cars. From what I understand this job even required the use of floral wire! And there was much talk of Newton Meters.
Thanks Dad.
We owe you one.

Last Night

Last night I was putting Ev to bed, we were hugging and talking and then all of a sudden she said "Mama?". Now, the way she said that made me think that she was about to say something of import, but I got a little nervous because the last time she said Mama like that, she followed it up with a gut blow ( http://beandippin.blogspot.com/2009/08/she-went-there.html )so I braced myself and said "yes Evelyn?"
Then she said " I am so glad that China said that you could be my Mama, because I would not want anyone else in this whole big ole, big ole world to be my Mama- just you"
Then I cried and hugged her tight and informed her that I felt the very same way.

See Aunt Lissa? No need to be upset at her this time. She gets it. She knows.