So Many Viruses So Little Time

• Yes another virus or two on The Infernal Machine. This time it seems that we have a root kit virus and I am frantically typing this so I can get it done in between shut downs. Not that this is too aggravating or anything!
• Ev and I went for our H1N1 vaccine over the past weekend so I have spent a couple of days just feeling a bit down and oogey- happens every time. Ev has had no effect what so ever and just chugs along her happy, talkative self.
• We went into downtown Cleveland yesterday for our "biometrics"- fingerprints for our Immigration stuff for Liam. There was a snowstorm blowing right off the lake. I think at one point my brain had actually turned to slush. Les and Ev loved every minute of our 4 block trudge in the elements- me? not so much.
• We found out earlier this week that Liam is in foster care! I am so grateful and relieved. It's a Love Without Boundaries program and my faith in that program can not be shaken so I am over the moon at the care my little guy is getting.
• I had horrible dreams all last night. Unsettling and trying. Let's just say that when Les woke me up extra early for a truck issue that I was glad.
• We got a huge crack in the windshiled of our car.
• Les lost an entire set of car/house keys.
• The truck is sitting dead on the driveway.

So yeah. Trudging along.

Black and White Wednesdays

I decided to join Lisa at Long Road to China for her B&W Wednesdays. Take a look here for an explanation and a look at what everyone else is doing http://thelongroadtochina.blogspot.com/2010/01/black-and-white-wednesday-lady-behind.html .

Today I decided to take some shots of Ev while she was working away at her school work. I could have picked a better day as she was acting the fool for about 30 seconds then going into stubborn mode for about 10 minutes. But I persevered! HA! Take that moody five year old- I CAN be more stubborn than you AND get a few good pictures out of it.(it's the little things in life)

About A Boy

Jan 4, 2010 Today we got a call from CCAI. I missed it. The message said looking forward to talking with you". So I freaked. I knew the minute that I saw the number on my missed calls list that this was it. I knew it! We had spent the day rearranging furniture and really doing the first bit of REAL home/house planning for the little one.


I have prayed and prayed that God would let me know when it was time to say yes. I specifically prayed that He would somehow let me know that there was no doubt. Well he did because I knew that call was for our baby as soon as I looked at that number.


I just knew in my heart that this was the last night Evelyn would go to bed without a sibling. I knew that in a matter of hours things were going to change.





Jan 5, 2010 Spent the morning being a complete stalker/crazy mama person. Called the person at CCAI about every 20 minutes until I got ahold of her. She was real matter of fact, she said "I know I called you for a reason". Now I had just spent about 12 hours of my life trying to convince myself that this was just going to be about paper work- I just could not be disappointed. But then I was all like "well we are not due for a call until like the end of Feb so this would be HUGE" Ok ok it's just paperwork. I kind of sort of believed that when I heard her back on the line. She said " OK I was wondering if you and your family were ready to be matched with a son"


Then the planet stopped turning.


Les was outside shovelling snow.


Ev was inside watching a Miles Davis concert on Netflix.


I stood there in my kitchen watching the snow fall as I was told about a boy.


She was so excited and happy about this little guy that I could barely get a word in! He was "gold" he was "perfect" "no red flags"!


He was Dang Ao Zhuang and he was 14 mos old. He has a repaired cleft lip and a palate that will need to be fixed once we get him home. He is mischievous and has a temper. He likes bustle. He lets the nannies know what he wants and pesters them if they don't comply.


Well, we said yes.


Of course we did.


Because I knew. I knew it was a boy all along. I knew that this was the call when I looked at my phone.


Then I saw his face.


My what a face. The biggest most liquid eyes, that perfect little set to his mouth and head. A look saying huh, come on if you dare.


Well we dare.


We will travel in June near as I can figure. Too long to wait in my opinion. We want him now.





Jan 6, 2010 Too much to process. We are frantically trying to get our Letter if Intent done while seeing the doctor and fretting over getting the worksheet done that will lock Ao Zhuang in as our own in the computer system.


Ev is handling things with an unexpected grace. We tell her about how she will have to share us, how he will talk funny or not at all, how he will be upset, how long we have to wait to go get him...she takes it all in and just says "well I can share" "we will teach him to talk" "we will just be patient with him Mama and he will see that we are his family" "I will teach him things" " I don't want to wait". What a girl. Her ability to process things and come back at me with absolute love and acceptance is truly astounding.





Jan 9, 2010 We have been trying to process lots of things. These long months that he will wait for us and we for him- this is the hardest. To know that he is there just getting older when he could be here playing and eating and seeing doctors, getting hugs and kisses, meeting Grandma and Grandpa, tussling with Brev, giving Aunt Lissa hell, making Jodi mad with boy fever- that's hard.


He is maybe in the Henan Province where he was born. Maybe he is still in Anhui where he had his surgery. Maybe he is in foster care. I just hope that he is warm and has a full belly and that someone is hugging him.





Jan 10, 2010 Struggles over what to name him. This is getting so ridiculous! It was so easy to name Evelyn. Not so much with this fella. We are trying to find something that he will be able to pronounce, something that we love, that has a good meaning, something that goes with a family name for the middle name. We all stare at his picture all day and all night. I find myself looking at it and talking to him. Ev thinks that I am crazy.


I have his picture next to my bed, and she was hugging me one morning and she said " I know you have that picture here so you can look at it and DREAM about holding him" She said this not in a bitter or jealous way but in a way you would tease someone that has a crush - like the whole thing was so funny.


Jan 11, 2010 One week down. How many more to go? I am even afraid to calculate. We will just take a week at a time, maybe a day at a time. I can not believe how easily my heart has opened and let this boy in. It was seem less. We are still struggling with a name. We have a 48 hour trial going on for one of the names- we'll see.

Jan 13, 2010 Interview today. This means moral dilemma. Tell them about the boy or not? If I tell, chances are I will not get the job. If I don't tell, I will have to tell soon anyway and then that would feel horrible.

Jan 14, 2010 Well. The name is Liam. Liam Wayne Ao Zhuang Dillon. It took us awhile and my sister is still calling him "what's his face" or "nugget" because she thinks that we will change our minds again.

Jan 15, 2010 First purchases for Liam today! He got three pair of plaid shorts with matching monster shirts, two sippy cups (soft rubber spouts) and then several pair of pj's. It was quite fun but surreal buying boy things. I am still in shock over the luck of getting that boy that I so desperately wanted. A boy! A son. Wow. I can not wait to go and get him. I wonder constantly about who he really is- what he likes, how he moves, how he smells, how he sounds. Will he be an easy rider or a complicated little hive like his sister? Will he be a Mama's boy? Will he really and truly like robots?
Ev had her first bit of complete "oh shit this is real and I don't like it" tonight. It's not that she doesn't want him - in fact she desperately does. She just wants him to herself and us to herself and never the twain shall meet! I knew that my biggest fight all along was going to be keeping her at the sister/kid/child level and me being the Mama. She already wants to do every. single. thing. She sat down and MADE money for the trip for heaven's sake! It was purple money with smiley faces in the middle because "i could not draw barack"

Jan 16, 2010 We held our breath all day waiting for the return of Dragon Girl- but Ev remained her pleasant self. I guess watching a theoretical brother get a crap load of stuff at the store tends to send a girlie-o right over the edge.
We rec'd our Home Study Addendum today.

Jan 17, 2010 We realized that once the L-man hits the states, we won't have much time to work on painting the house, so we kicked it into gear today and tackled the painting in the bathroom ( I have only had the primer on and been living with blue painter's tape in there for about 3 mos now). Next up? The entire downstairs!
I am thinking alot about the beginnings of my children. The pain, the loss. I wonder if I am enough to make up for all of that? I am also just gob smacked at remembering things along the way of Liam's adoption and the many signs and encouragements that I had. I am worried about money. I am a mess basically. a good mess- but still a mess.

Jan 18,2010 Ev and I have had the sniffles for a couple of days, she is getting better while I think that I am just beginning the walk down misery lane. We had a fore tonight and we all sat quietly around it. Ev was coloring by the hearth, I was journaling and Les was reading. I couldn't help but wonder what little Liam was up to. If he would come to love these kinds of things with us.

Jan 19, 2010 Liam it is. We rec'd our PA today - only 13 days to get that. This is the thing that China uses to say, yeah we will consider him yours. Cool. Awesome. I can not wait to get the rest of this paper work done and mailed off. I live with a tight ball of anxiety in my chest. I literally have this ache there in my chest all of the time, a dull ache. I want him home. I want him here. I want to see that he is getting fed. I want to see how long it takes for Ev to make him laugh. I want him. I worry all of the time. I have this cadence in my head at all times "get it all done get it all done come on come on he's there he's there come on come on"

January 5 was a great day

For that was the day that I got the second of the most important phone calls ever.
D at CCAI asked me if my family was ready to be matched with a little boy, then I lost my mind. I sort of sputtered and spewed and gasped and I am kind of sure that I said yes to him even before I talked with Les, or saw his picture or anything. I just knew that it was time, this was him, our boy.
My son.
He is Dang Ao Zhuang. he was born Oct 28, 2008 so that makes him about 14 mos old. He is currently residing in the Hebi City SWI in Henan Province. He has had his cleft lip repaired and we will have to see him through the process of getting his palate corrected when we get him home. Right now we are looking at travelling to China around June to bring him home but we are doing every thing humanly possible to make that happen faster. We have been waiting for the Pre-approval from China so we could tell the world- we got that today.

To us he will be Liam Wayne Ao Zhuang. To us he will be the completion of our family. Hopefull to him we will be all that he needs.

To say that we are happy is a gross understatement.

A SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gung Fu

Ev's new favorite movie is Forbidden Kingdom. It has Jackie Chan, Jet Li, The Monkey King, chics that are witches and chics that are good at Gung Fu, beautiful scenes of rural China. What's not to love? Actually this is one that we don't mind watching over and over with her- it is quite good.
She has been mad for Gung Fu lately because of it. She takes her swords and shuts her door and practices her stances and strikes in front of her mirror. She uses her art easle as a training dummy and punches it repeatedly. She jumps and has different stances for the different styles. She loves the character Sparrow and will quote Sparrow's lines as she is fighting her Papa. Papa by the way, says that she is getting so good that he actually has to pay attention and dodge or block her strikes for real- lest he suffer a blow in his "man region".
I tell him that he should just help her with her fairy mosaics then he wouldn't have to worry and I wouldn't be looking for a Gung Fu class for her.
Neither one of them think that making sticker mosaics is as fun as beating each other up with foam swords. I wonder why?

Just One of the Reasons That I Love My Nephew

Melissa: Brevin? Have you been using your donuts like glasses?!?

Brevin: Yeah! How did you know?

That's it in a nutshell.

Brev. The boy, the myth, the legend.

To My Family

Let it go
Let it roll right off your shoulders
Don't ya know
The hardest part is over
Let it in
Let your clarity define you
In the end you will only just remeber how it feels
Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours, these small hours
Still remain.
Let it slide.
Let your troubles fall behind you.
Let it shine- till you feel it all around you.
And I don't mind if it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by
It's the heart that really matters
In the end.
Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
Theses twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain
All of my regret will wash away somehow
But I could not forget
The way I feel right now
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate

For my family that is daily changing, these small hours with you are the ones that will sustain me throughout my life. The changes we are facing together, the way we have come together- all wonders, little and big.

For my son who is out there waiting, the hardest part is over- WE ARE COMING.

For my sister who is struggling with many things, find the small hours, use them, store them up against the storms to come. Grab your little wonder, hold him to your chest and keep moving forward

For my parents, the small hours that I spent with you taught me exactly what to search for in my own life. You taught me what to provide for my children.

The Gotcha Day Issue- In response to many posts out there in bloggy land

It seems that my husband and I naturally find a way to deal with these issues without alot of fuss. We have never celebrated Gotcha Day. We talk about it together quietly when she has gone to bed that day, or we may mention something about it to her in a casual, huggy moment. But no parties, no dinners, no "happy happy joy joy" moments.
How did our family evolve this way? Because I can tell you that I had every intention of making a celebration every year. But we are a family who is not into big Anniversary surprises - we just try to be helpful and loving and grateful every chance we get. So it sort of went to follow that this was how we would treat our Gotcha Day.
Then there was Evelyn herself. She let us know what she needed. I did not have to be an expert, or a genius to see that she had some pretty significant grief bottled inside. I once showed her the videos from China when she was about 2 1/2 yrs old- she did not sleep for weeks. I realized very quickly that her Gotcha Day was more about me than it was her. That was my moment. My shining star of a day. For her it was another heart break in the string of many that had made up her life until then. It is a day that she lost yet more. A day where she had to learn how to survive all over again. Where the rules changed-again. The people changed-again. Yes love came in that's for sure, but it was months and months before she could even grasp what kind of love we had for her.
I am certain that mothers and fathers and Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles who are in families with no adopted children read these things that we talk about and wonder about the tendency to be morose. It must seem like we do quite a bit of belly aching and "focusing on the negative". I have a family that deeply loves Evelyn and I know that they care and I know that in alot of ways they get it. But sometimes? They don't. You just can't. There is no way to be able to wrap your mind around this type of situation unless you are the parent or the child. We live with this every day.
EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
That big ball of emotion that sits in our hearts. That's joy and pain and grief and relief and guilt and love- oh so much love. It's all of it.
Hey, I tried it out. I tried that whole "let's act like everything is golden and shiny and wonderful". You know what? Those weeks of denial were the weeks that my daughter had the hardest time relaxing and being herself and holding on and growing towards us.
The pain that these children have is real. To try and gloss it over or pretend it isn't there is denying who they are. What makes them up.
You can say that a baby of 2 days has no real emotional life to cut off, to cripple, to maim. But you would be wrong. Dead wrong. They know. They know that something is wrong. That things just aren't right. Then if they are lucky they go to an Institution that meets physical needs at the best. The there may be a string of nannies that come and go, there may be the orphanage/foster care/orphanage/different foster home dance the Ev had. They know, ok?
It hurts. The amount of loss and pain that they can hold inside of those small beating hearts is staggering.
So, on May 8 every year I will look at my husband at some point in the day with a secret little smile on my face and he will smile back and we will remember those first moments that are so golden for us. Then we will let the day play out like all of our other days, with as much love and fun and respect that we can squeeze in. That's how we do Gotcha Day.


The above started as a comment on another blog but I quickly realized that apparently I had lots to say. We are the sort of family that walks the middle road as far as China, her time there, Chinese culture, birth families. We do not avoid. We let it happen naturally and on her terms. We are open and honest with a mind to her age and emotional state that day. We do not push it. It's there- kind of like the cat you know? Sometimes it comes walking through the room. This way is the way that Ev needs it.

As for my family, the things that they don't get are the things we deal with when it comes to her pain and loss. I know that they know it's there. They just cannot deal with it. It's too painful for them. I am okay with that- all of that is my job. It's a very personal thing with Ev and she sure wouldn't want her time with Gma and Gpa spent talking about China and birth parents and all that jazz. She just wants to be with them and laugh and be loved. That's their job.

The Christmas Post That I Forgot

I was just thinking. I completely forgot to have a Christmas post. Well now. I guess I really was busy. Because for the first time in, I don't know how long, I didn't send out cards and then I forgot to even blog about it. The biggest and best Christmas that I have ever had! What's up with that?

Oh yeah. We were busy. Then I got tired. Then my computer got another virus. Right.

So we started on Christmas Eve. I made home made Chicken Parmigiana (from The Pioneer Woman) it was awesome. Jodi came and brought a fella- Mike. We sat and ate and got stupid and they had to leave for their next engagement. Then the three of us settled in, watched the tree and had a quiet night.

Since the only thing Ev asked for for Christmas was jelly beans we were bound to score high on the satisfaction points that day. We did well I think. Lots of board games, foam swords, a Link t-shirt (that she has worn unwashed every single day since Christmas - well you come over and try to get it off of her will ya?), there were books and recorders to learn to play, mosaic kits. All in all she was a happy kid. So we opened gifts here an ate some, I cooked a few things and we were off to Grandma's.

That's where the Super Sized Christmas was. Gma's. Easy Bake ovens, Barbie's, heart necklaces, robots, a giant Link poster.... oh and many many other things. Let's just say that neither Ev or Brev lacked for anything. We settled in there at Gma's for a coupla nights and then came back home.

Oh! We have the new Mario Bros Wii and that was so much fun to play.
There was a get together at Aunt Jenny's for the New Year where there was more food and presents. Also cousins! Many cousins to run wild with.

All in all a great Christmas. The best one of my life. Between the actual holiday and our trip to Hocking Hills, the kids being at just the right age and behaving well for every single thing? Well, it was magical. One for the books.

Even though I didn't get one single great picture of the three of us, and most of the ones I got of the many festivities were borderline terrible- it was great.

A Look Back At 2009

Winter Makes Her Crazy

Ev is not really one of those "rowdy" kids. She just talks alot. ALOT. have never really felt the need to put her on a treadmill or in a giant hamster ball- until today.
That girl is nuts. She is all hyper and jumpy and demand-y and making noises with ray guns (sister I will get you back for that damn gun believe me when I say this) just to hear the noise, walking around tooting on her recorder (ok that one was my fault) just to be making noise, chasing the cat with either the gun or the recorder, chasing the cat while acting like a manic phased bi-polar cat, beading but not really just leaving the beads about the joint, doing a mosaic but not really, just opening it up and then wandering off to make noise and act weird. Listening to loud music. Not talking but sort of yelling/talking.
I strongly suggested to my husband that he go shovel the drive-way and take the Manic Monkey out with him and stay for a coupla hours. He went. he took her. Blessed man.
So yeah. THIS winter. She is going stir crazy and taking me with her.
I swear I am going to fill the bath tub up later, put a suit on her and let her "go swimming" until she gets all prune-y. Then I am going to find about 500 reasons that she needs to go up and down the stairs. Then I may consider medication. I am not sure who would be getting the meds just yet. Me or her.
Probably me.

So Called Romance

On December 31 the calendar rolled over to a New Year, so there was that. Also that day marked 16 years of marriage for Leslie and I. I could dwell on how I am amazed that two crazy, know nothing, no career having /planning kids made it this far- but I won't. My marriage to Leslie is one of the major blessings and miracles of my life- anyone who knows me at all, knows that.

Here we are 16 years of marriage. I love where we are, I love that kinship, the deep bonds, the long conversations, the planning of our daily lives together. I look back and see how much we have changed. We are not those kids that hold a "burning" romance in our hearts. You know how it is. When we were first married I would see older couples and think how sad it was that they weren't like us. Now I am sad that young couples have to wait so long to get where we are. We have our daughter, our friendship, our faith in each other. Here is an example of what I mean....

Yesterday we spent the entire day moving different furniture components around the house. We did this to start making the Nursery a reality. Leslie suggested this and I jumped on board. As the day closed and evening fell, I was standing in the nearly empty office, the almost Nursery and I was holding a quilt that I bought for THIS baby. I hugged that quilt to my chest and I stood there and thought of that baby and I cried a little and I sighed a little and I thought thoughts about my family. Les and Ev happened to be downstairs talking about Chess at the time and I had those few quiet moments. Then it felt as if some things clicked into place. Things got more real. The baby to come, the family that will change, the daughter that will have to share. And I was cool with it. All of it. Then I went down and found Les and he took one look at me and knew where I was, I knew he knew. We spoke volumes in that one look while Ev was kung fu-ing in the back ground.

As we were finishing things up, I turned to Les and said " I am sure glad that you suggested this. I needed to do something concrete and real about this child- not just manky old paperwork" then he said "Oh I know you did".

Just that. Him knowing in his quiet way what I needed that day. That he needed it too. That we were and are equally vested in this life together. That he can gage my emotional state in one look, that he cares to. That, right there is better than all of the conventional thoughts on romance. We had a very romantic evening indeed.

I love that man.