Frantic Scramble

I feel like an update is needed.
Apparently Evelyn wants a sister, needs a sister.
Apparently Leslie and I need and want another daughter.
So, after many months of denial and justifications I have come to see that we are destined to go back to China and bring home another daughter.
WOW!
Yes, that's the announcement. We are on the path towards another adoption.
I am blown away by this. I guess a bunch of people had me figured out before I had me figured out and by a bunch, I mean my sister and Leslie.
I know that I have to finish telling the story of Evelyn and reveal some of the crazy things that I felt, saw, dreamed and "just knew" during the process. For the sake of brevity for this post let's just assume that when you are destined to adopt, certain things just happen. If you start from there you will understand the next few paragraphs more.
About 6 or 8 weeks ago- maybe farther back- I started having dreams. Baby dreams. These dreams left me sad and anxious. I thought about where we were in life and I thought that I was working through letting go of having more than Ev. I was convinced that I was grieving again. I think maybe I was but I also feel that I was being prepared in a way for this past week. As part of the letting go, I decided to try and go through the gazillion totes of baby clothes that I have saved in the attic, and get rid of all but what I wanted to keep to remember for Evelyn. Except that every time I went up there, I would end up all panicky and short of breath and weeping and I would head down here, hug Ev and go about my day. I also found that no matter what I had my mouth say, I just couldn't feel like the decision was final, that door just keep creeping back open every time I tried to close it and move on. This continued, as well as conversations with Leslie that would go nowhere except to leave the door a bit open and the decision ambiguous. And us anxious.
Then Evelyn started mentioning wanting a sister. Then Evelyn started pointing out families with more than one child and wondering why we only had her. I was able to poo poo her and answer some questions and she would let it drop.
She would let it drop - UNTIL the other night at the grocery store. Then I saw her face and into her heart and it all looked so familiar. I cried. Initially I cried for her. Then, I cried because I knew why her expression and longing were familiar. I had felt that same feeling for many years in my life. That longing for a person, no face or name that you knew, just someone out there, someone who you were supposed to love. Then I realized that I was feeling the same thing- again for someone new. Not memories of Evelyn, not grieving for the loss of unknown biological children. I was longing for another dark haired beauty to steal my heart, I just wouldn't admit it fully yet.
Leslie was in Niagra, New York the night that Ev and I saw that tiny girl with her mother. I called him late that night. I told him what had happened. I cried and said "what do we tell her now? we can't get another baby?!!?!?! " Here's where I loose some of the cohesive memory of the conversation, one of us said, "well......." and then we started talking possibilities. I was still in denial. I kept saying what if this and what if that. Leslie got to where he had enough, he said, very firmly, "Michal, what do you WANT?" I said "well, it would be nice but then it would be hard...." He said "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" I gave some other answer. He said "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" I shut up and sat for a minute and it was like a dam broke, I yelled back "I WANT ANOTHER CHILD!!!! I WANT ANOTHER BABY!!! OF COURSE I DO!!!" Then I cried- alot.
Then we started planning and talking.
So, one day Evelyn will have a sister. Hopefully sooner than later. Leslie and I know and feel that we are ready to bring home a child that may need some medical attention at first, we just feel that it is right for us now. There are already things that I know about this youngest daughter, just like I knew things about Evelyn. She is already a part of us. We have just begun the scramble to get her home.
Things that seemed insurmountable last month seem so do-able now. Things that were walls before are now just hurdles in the path.
I will be returning to the workforce, in a way that means Ev does not go to day care. We will be madly squeezing the budget for extra dollars......
but, we are going after that baby girl.