Widjes, Aldadaydurrs and Muhndeez

We were at Grandma's house this past Sunday. Really this trip was all about yours truly getting to see Twilight and Daniel Craig (oh I know it was a Bond film but I have to say I really did not notice the plot too much because of Daniels ass mostly). However, Brevin and Evelyn managed to have some super cuteness that I got to document on film. These two have been in a rough patch lately- fighting cousins all of the way- it was getting very old and anxiety inducing to say the least. It seems on Sunday though, we just had one of those days where they both clicked and there was just playing and imagining. This clip will show a bit of the round and round running and yelling that was taking place in my parent's living room as the kids ran from ....um a witch, alligators and a monkey?( I understand the witch and the monkeys, they had just watched the Wizard of Oz - but the alligators???) yeah, that's what they say. For whatever reason, Evelyn felt it was of the most dire need to save that empty paper towel roll from the Triad Of Evil as well. Later they were running with a pair of boots and a pair of slippers (dippers as Brev calls 'em)....so, you know. They had so much fun and they were sweaty and breathless long before they quit. Oh yeah this was 10 p.m. !!!!!!!! What wonderful parents we are.
I love the way my nephew talks by the way, all full of d's and ummm's and thinking, I imitate his speech all of the time, it's really really fun to do that but, Melissa thinks I am being mean and my Mom will slap the poo outta me if she can reach me when I do it. I can't help it, it all just sounds so cute. That's my Dad back there, laughing at the kids.

Not much happening....

• Evelyn DID end up with a stiff and sore neck for two days but now she's back in fine form.
• My parents drove up for the afternoon/evening on Wed. and Ev got some much needed face time with two of her favorite people.
• I am a hormonal mess. I am in full on self hate mode and then a pair jeans I wear alot, had a blow out in the knee (with the crotch not far behind) and that forced me to go out jean shopping!!!! The only thing worse than trying on bathing suits is trying on jeans or torture, like with blowtorches and toothpicks under the nails..... really.
• On Sunday, if all goes well, I will get to go to the movie theater twice (once with my Mom and then again with Les). I will get to see Twilight and Quantum of Solace. I am actually wondering of my cortex can handle so much hawtness in one day but if my head does explode- whatta way ta go. Let me sum up- Edward the Vampire AND Daniel Craig-oh meee oh myyy.
• Evelyn's new found love of snow continues. I have to dress her warmly and turn her out everyday so she can tromp around in it. She calls it "Snow Crunching" and I think that she considers it a Community Service.
• While shopping for jeans for myself (I didn't buy any) I had to distract myself with looking at Seasonal Dresses for The Bean. We got two of the cutest party dresses that I have ever seen. One is for Christmas and then another one was bought for New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day and her Birthday. Oh yeah, I feel very lucky to have found one dress for those three days and it was only $15- gotta love Marshall's.
• Last week while out looking for, what I call "quality" furniture pieces for the house ( this place is called the Miscellaneous Barn and it's chock full of that "is this junk or antique" category that I love)- I came across the perfect big girl bed for Ev. It's a metal headboard and frame that's painted a cute green and it's from the 1930's- I love it. It's in great shape (original paint) and it's as sweet as anything and I got it for $59!!!! I can't wait to get her room all painted, the bed on place and her new quilt on it.....
• I finally got The office Season 4 in the mail from Netflix today and I am champing at the bit for Butter Bean's bedtime so I can sit down and laugh, laugh, laugh.
• I noticed the other night that there is no more baby fat left on Bean's wrists. My heart broke.
• Evelyn has decided that she still does not want to grow. She said to me "Mama, water makes plants grow right?", I distractedly said "well yeah" she said " I thought so. That's why I am NOT drinking anymore water, I do not want to grow anymore, because if water makes plants grown than it makes me grow too. I will be your Butter Bean for ever and I won't drink water" I sort of just, well, looked at her and well....looked at her. I had no idea what to say.

E.R. Visit or Evelyn Punks Mama Out

SO this morning. okay it wasn't really the morning...it was just before 11am. (now I have no idea what I did to deserve this sleeping in until 11am but I wasn't arguing when I rolled over and it was 9:30 and Ev's room was quiet, I just understood the luck of such a thing happening and went back to sleep) hum hum
Like I was saying, this morning, Evelyn starts sighing and rolling in her room. I could hear it over the monitor. Then I heard a "BAM!" "AGGGHHHH MMMMAAAMMMAAAA IIIIIII NEEEEEDD YOUUUU!!!!!!!!" "MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAA" I jumped out of bed and nearly killed myself getting to her. In the space of 12 steps, I tripped twice, stubbed a toe and ran into a door frame. I get there and she is laying flat on her back, clutching the back/left side of her head/neck. She is crying and moaning. I asked what happened and she told me that she hit her neck on her bed. I tried to touch her to check her out. That was a bad idea. She screamed and cried some more. I just sat there like a lump for a minute, waiting for her to calm down enough for me to look her over. When I could, I saw a red mark on her left neck, no lump, no blood. She seemed calm but she still wouldn't turn her head on her own. I knew that she didn't have a concussion or anything but I was worried about her neck. I called Les to see where we have listed to go to for a Pediatrician. He said "hell no take her to the E.R.", now I am a nurse. This does not seem to matter when Ev is hurt, really hurt. PLUS she was doing this weird "I refuse to move and you must move me as a single unit if you do the moving or else I will cry and scream", so I decided that Les was right. I gave her some Motrin and since she wasn't vomiting or loosing consciousness, I showered. Les met us here at the house and we went to the local Pediatric E.R. Nice visit. By the time Ev had some face time with Papa and the Motrin kicked in , she was her old sparkly self. Of course this did not happen until like 30 freaking seconds before the Doctor walked in. SO that was good.
Oh and let me say that by the time Les saw her, she was no longer crying or acting funny, just laying still and being quiet. So yeah. I looked like a punk. I don't care though. I want her to be safe. I think it was okay that I took her and I'm really, really glad that I look like a punk. Because in the end I usually do anyway-on a daily basis and this time it means that Ev wasn't hurt.
By the by, she thinks that this morning's trip to the hospital was a hoot. No bloodwork or anything nasty to take away from the fun of being a medically obsessed child in a hospital. I swear she would have taken the otoscope if she could have fit it down her pink fleece Santa p.j.'s

Plaid Dress

This is a plaid dress that we got form Aunt Jenny. As soon as Evelyn saw it, she wanted it on-had to have it on. I dressed her in it today with a pair of white tights and she has been twirling about ever since. She loves this dress and so do I. She looks so adorable in it that I can't hardly keep my hands off of her. She has been telling me of all the places that she would like to wear this dress. Here's her list
To a zoo
To Grandma's House
To an Aquarium
At Christmas
At Thanksgiving
To Papa's work
To Jodi's house
Maybe she could sleep in it?

By the Fire

To Evelyn

Dear Evelyn,

I have been doing alot of thinking about those days before you came into my life. Do you want to know how I got through to re-telling of all of that sadness for me? By listening to your play, either right here at my feet or off in your room. I could hear you dancing and singing and fussing at Billy Bones and I knew that you were here. My daughter. My special muffin head and that at least once in my life I did the right thing and got you in the bargain.

I love your little round face. I love the way that your eyes light up when you are teasing your Papa and me. I love that, even though in that picture up there, it looks like Billy is about to eat your face off, you are really good to your cat and you two play together quite a bit. I am proud of the way you act in public. I love hearing you fanatically counting things right now- you count everything. I loved that when I was reading your bedtime story last night, you just burst out and recited nearly the whole book from memory (you even did the funny voices the way that I do them). I love the way that your hair smells in the mornings. I love the way you look wearing hats. I love to watch you nod off to sleep in your car seat, even though you fight it so hard. I love to wait and listen, to find out what your daily musical selection will be. I love to hear you say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I love when you climb up on my lap to tell me a secret. I love that I can never do the smallest, insignificant change around the house without you noticing. I love that, the other day you got your doll stuff out and decided that Baby's clothes were a mess, so you spent 20 minutes folding and organizing her things. I love that you can really and actually help me put groceries away. But, what is most in my mind as I watch you play and hear you singing along to your music and I answer your 50 gajillion questions? What is making my heart ache in the nicest way today?

The way that your sleepy face lit up with an interior magic and I saw possibilities blossom in your mind when I woke you up last night in the middle of the night to show you the snow. I got your warm sleepy body up and held it close to me and waited while you shook off your dreams and then I whispered " Evelyn sometimes the best magic happens when you sleep." I pulled up you window blinds slowly to show you the snow falling. It was falling in big white chunks that drifted lazily down. When you went to bed we just had our regular street out there but by this time, everything was covered in beautiful, sparkling whiteness. You saw that, and after you got done worrying about if the garbage men would take the garbage this morning if the cans were covered in snow. After you completed your initial, practical survey, you got real quiet and looked and looked. And then the best, slowest , sweetest, most secret smile lit your face up. Your Papa was right there with us and he watched , not the snow, or me, but you, and all that you revealed to us in that moment.

You are our dream Evelyn.

We are lucky to have you.

Love,

Mama

The Story: Part 3 North to Alaska

When Leslie first joined the Coast Guard, I told him that it was fine with me but there were three places I did not EVER want to live in. My list went like this :
1 New York
2 Alaska
3 Guam
Our second duty station was New York. So when Leslie came home from work one day and talked of being transferred, I laughed and said it better not be to Alaska. I mean, I had all that I could handle at that point, I was in complete turmoil and my heart was broken, I couldn't even think of moving there.
Leslie went to a meeting with the Detailer.
Leslie called me on the phone.
Leslie said I should drive to the station and talk with him.
Leslie nearly died that night.
Yes, we got word, we were headed to Alaska, number 2 on my list of places I NEVER wanted to live. You gotta love Military Life.
It got worse though. We were headed to Alaska but then Leslie would be leaving for SIX FREAKING MONTHS to go with the crew to get a new boat. In Wisconsin and then they would have to pilot that damn thing all of the way around the world to get it back to it's home port.
I think what helped me go along with this was the numbness. The complete numbness. I was grieving but I had no idea for who or what really and I had no idea HOW to do it.
So, we moved.
One day I had that single round of AI. Three days later I was in an airplane for the first time in my life-moving to Alaska.
One of my very first tasks there in Homer was to get a Doctor's appointment and confirm with blood work the negative pregnancy test. I learned at that Doctor's visit that the AI didn't take. I wasn't pregnant. I also learned that the nearest Fertility Clinic was four hours away in Anchorage. I learned that I couldn't even get an appointment there before Leslie headed off on travels for the CG. I learned essentially, that I was up a shit creek and never had a paddle-fertility wise. Then, finally then, I could figure out was I was grieving for. I lost a baby. Not just any baby- all of my babies. All of those beautiful dream babies with dark brown hair and eyes and curls. Every single chance was gone. I was lost.
Leslie and I limped our way through as best we could. His 6 month trip wasn't to start for a few months but he did have many schools and pre-trips to Wisconsin during this time.
Our move to Alaska was in October of 2002. I was about to experience my first Alaskan Winter-alone and hopeless.
I didn't get a job for awhile. I couldn't. I could hardly manage to feed myself after Leslie left. I took out a pen and I marked a day on the calendar, I think it was around six weeks from the day that Leslie left. I used every minute of those 6 weeks to grieve, that was my plan. I did nothing else that I can remember. Oh yes, I remember. I fell in love. With Alaska. With Homer. With the people I was being forced (due to the small population) to talk to. With the way that you could smell the glaciers in the air. With the way the sky would bunch up with gray clouds that marched out across the bay.
Eventually my six weeks came due and I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and I decide that it was time to get a shimmy on. I got a job. I got friends. I got a plan.
Even when I was little, I would tell my Mom that I wanted a Chinese daughter. Adoption was mentioned to me very early in this time and I fully believe that it was for a reason. I started thinking about adoption.
One night at work- I worked as an R.N. at Homer's only hospital by then. A small hospital staffed by the best nurses and people that I have ever worked with. So, yes, one night at work I cornered our Social Worker and started to ask her about adoption. She gave me some info and I went to work educating myself. I did not like what I learned of domestic adoption. Leslie and I talked and we talked. He was immediately on the bandwagon to adopt. He never hesitated, he has never looked back. It was very clear to us that we would do this, that we would adopt, we just had to figure it out.
How?
Where?
How much?
Girl?
Boy?
Black?
White?
Asian?
When?
I had my work cut out for me.