Frantic Scramble

I feel like an update is needed.
Apparently Evelyn wants a sister, needs a sister.
Apparently Leslie and I need and want another daughter.
So, after many months of denial and justifications I have come to see that we are destined to go back to China and bring home another daughter.
WOW!
Yes, that's the announcement. We are on the path towards another adoption.
I am blown away by this. I guess a bunch of people had me figured out before I had me figured out and by a bunch, I mean my sister and Leslie.
I know that I have to finish telling the story of Evelyn and reveal some of the crazy things that I felt, saw, dreamed and "just knew" during the process. For the sake of brevity for this post let's just assume that when you are destined to adopt, certain things just happen. If you start from there you will understand the next few paragraphs more.
About 6 or 8 weeks ago- maybe farther back- I started having dreams. Baby dreams. These dreams left me sad and anxious. I thought about where we were in life and I thought that I was working through letting go of having more than Ev. I was convinced that I was grieving again. I think maybe I was but I also feel that I was being prepared in a way for this past week. As part of the letting go, I decided to try and go through the gazillion totes of baby clothes that I have saved in the attic, and get rid of all but what I wanted to keep to remember for Evelyn. Except that every time I went up there, I would end up all panicky and short of breath and weeping and I would head down here, hug Ev and go about my day. I also found that no matter what I had my mouth say, I just couldn't feel like the decision was final, that door just keep creeping back open every time I tried to close it and move on. This continued, as well as conversations with Leslie that would go nowhere except to leave the door a bit open and the decision ambiguous. And us anxious.
Then Evelyn started mentioning wanting a sister. Then Evelyn started pointing out families with more than one child and wondering why we only had her. I was able to poo poo her and answer some questions and she would let it drop.
She would let it drop - UNTIL the other night at the grocery store. Then I saw her face and into her heart and it all looked so familiar. I cried. Initially I cried for her. Then, I cried because I knew why her expression and longing were familiar. I had felt that same feeling for many years in my life. That longing for a person, no face or name that you knew, just someone out there, someone who you were supposed to love. Then I realized that I was feeling the same thing- again for someone new. Not memories of Evelyn, not grieving for the loss of unknown biological children. I was longing for another dark haired beauty to steal my heart, I just wouldn't admit it fully yet.
Leslie was in Niagra, New York the night that Ev and I saw that tiny girl with her mother. I called him late that night. I told him what had happened. I cried and said "what do we tell her now? we can't get another baby?!!?!?! " Here's where I loose some of the cohesive memory of the conversation, one of us said, "well......." and then we started talking possibilities. I was still in denial. I kept saying what if this and what if that. Leslie got to where he had enough, he said, very firmly, "Michal, what do you WANT?" I said "well, it would be nice but then it would be hard...." He said "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" I gave some other answer. He said "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" I shut up and sat for a minute and it was like a dam broke, I yelled back "I WANT ANOTHER CHILD!!!! I WANT ANOTHER BABY!!! OF COURSE I DO!!!" Then I cried- alot.
Then we started planning and talking.
So, one day Evelyn will have a sister. Hopefully sooner than later. Leslie and I know and feel that we are ready to bring home a child that may need some medical attention at first, we just feel that it is right for us now. There are already things that I know about this youngest daughter, just like I knew things about Evelyn. She is already a part of us. We have just begun the scramble to get her home.
Things that seemed insurmountable last month seem so do-able now. Things that were walls before are now just hurdles in the path.
I will be returning to the workforce, in a way that means Ev does not go to day care. We will be madly squeezing the budget for extra dollars......
but, we are going after that baby girl.

Her Chinese Mother

I have been doing more than a healthy share of thinking since Evelyn and I had "Emotions and Revelations Near the Produce" night.

The topics in my mind have ranged far and wide. I have thought mostly about Bean's reaction, or lack there-of for the Chinese Mother that we saw.
I know that she is just a kid and she doesn't really have a concept of how things work but, she knows not to take toys form other people. I wonder why she thought that it was okay to take that mother's child? Maybe it was because she wanted a sister so badly that she damned the torpedoes. Maybe I am reading WAY too much into this.
I am afraid though that maybe I have to start talking about her Chinese Mother? Somehow it doesn't feel quite right yet. I have talked before about how we backed off on initiating any adoption talk with Ev. I feel that this was the right thing to do for her. She had some issues that were lingering and those have been resolved as soon as we stopped initiating things ourselves. She asks about China quite alot. I am always ready to tell a story or show her a picture. She has just never asked about her Chinese Mother or Father. She knows that babies grow in bellies of their mama's. She knows that she was in an orphanage. She has yet to connect some dots. I am dreading the day that she does.
I know the things that I am planning on telling her when she asks. I know that I will try to explain that her Chinese Mother did love her, how could she not have? I will never know the circumstances that led to Evelyn being left at the gate of that orphanage. I can guess though. I can guess that for whatever reason that woman had no choice.
NO CHOICE. That is a difficult thing for Americans to understand. Having been to China and seen some of the things that I have seen, I get it. There are places and times in this world where people can not , are not allowed to, live how they see fit. There are places where Mother's have no choice to raise their children. Their choice becomes life versus death for these tiny precious babies. When they choose life, they are choosing the hard road. They are risking loosing everything they have and going to prison. They are putting their daughters ahead of themselves. That's about the best scenario that I have. Her Chinese mother had no choice but to choose to abandon her. This must have been done out of love. Who could look at a tiny, beautiful baby and not feel love? I know that this is what I must tell Evelyn. Because to take any other route would mean that one day I have to say to her, I just don't know- I have no guesses, you were not loved. I find that I can't even hardly type those words, how could I ever say them?
I think that I must have to think that way for myself as well. It is hard enough to think about Evelyn on those first days of her life, so tiny and left behind and then think that there was no love for her. I have to leave space in my heart for compassion towards this woman who made a choice that is to me, unfathomable. Because if I don't? Evelyn will know. One day, she will know, she will sense it when we speak. I must believe these things so that one day, she can believe these things. That there was love. That there was something. I will never KNOW.
But, I can guess. And I can hope that I am in some way, right.
I have been looking over the paperwork that we received while in China. One piece of that paperwork is what is called the Certificate of Abandonment. You see, this piece of paper is very important because children who are viable for international adoption must have no ties to any person in China. That means that the separation from her birth family is real and permanent and irreversible. That means that one day when she can read, she will see the line "Yi Fu Mei is an abandoned baby definitely". I have to be ready in my heart to help her read that sentence and take it in, that's my job. I am her Mother. I can't NOT allow her to see these things because she might get hurt. They are a part of who we are. It's all a part of how we are a family. I can not imagine keeping secrets from her.
I wish that I could. But I know, in the end, she will need to know so she can work through things and find herself. She will need to realize that there was love because if there was no love, then she has nothing to build on.

Eavesdropper

This afternoon, I laid Evelyn down for a nap. We said our "good naps", then I was surprised by Ev wanting to give "twenty thirteen lovin's". There was much squeezing and smooching involved. I exited the room after she was all tucked in a loved up. I went about the job of helping Les to get the primer on the hallway (no additional disasters today). I was painting quietly for a bit and then it hit me.
I have a GREAT daughter. I have a GREAT life. I have a GREAT husband.
I said to Leslie" You know? We have a great life. I mean, Evelyn is a great little girl, I love being her Mama......" I was going to continue but I stopped to catch a falling glob of paint and we heard
" Yeah and I love being your guyses kid!" come out from behind her door.
See what I mean?

This is the girl

This is the girl that is my very own heart. This is the girl that smiles and eclipses the sun. This is the girl that has healed me.

I waited so long for her. I'm not talking just about the timeline for the adoption, I am talking about my whole life. It seems sometimes that I was holding my breath for my entire life, that the first true breath that I ever took was the one that I took as my arms encircled her tiny body for the first time.

I never knew how good I could be until I had to learn goodness to be her Mama. I never knew how worried I could get about things in the distant future until I thought/think about the day that she will move out. I never knew how your heart could twist and swell and ache until I watched her sleep. I never knew that being her Mama would mean that I lost myself.

This girl is something special. She is a maddening collaboration of sweetness and stubbornness. She is my blessing in life.

She is my daughter.

This is the girl that says things like "are you gonna make dinner or whiskey dixie?". She is the one that looks at Billy when he meows, decides for herself what he said and then look at him and say " I beg to difference".

This is the girl that conjures bits of paper out of the air and stuffs them into any convenient place. This is the girl that is not above rubbing boogers on her bed railing. This is the girl that is fascinated with cleaning the toilets.

This is the girl that owns my heart.

We also got new hair-do's yesterday....

Our wonderful stylist was talking with Bean and she looked over at me and said "You know? I could put a cute little wedge in Evelyn's hair and she would look so cute" I agreed quickly for 2 reasons, for one I knew that it was time to get something professionally done with Ev's hair and for another, Ev wanted her hair cut at the salon bad. Real Bad. I think it turned out great, and I love that I can see her little neck. This will be ideal for growing her hair out all at one length. She loves it and so do I.

The Produce Department

The Bean and I were in a grocery store tonight. Noteworthy not because we were there, I mean it's a bi-monthly happening folks. But we were there alone, the two of us. Leslie had gone along on most every single grocery trip for about as long as I can remember. Yes, I know that I am spoiled but, I did have some herniated cervical discs that prevented me from being able to push even a lightly loaded cart without crawling around in misery for a week or two- I digress....
So there we were, the two of us. In an attempt to be SuperMama and not spend the entire trip going "oh please just let me get this done and then we can talk" (in review- she's not called things like Jackhammer and Hacksaw for nuttin')- I was trying to keep up with her conversationally, while picking out produce and steering the cart. So, after several minutes, the first thing I wanted to talk about happens.
This woman, who looked very nice and was smiling big, approached us and when I looked at her she asked "May I ask you a question?"- I braced myself, waiting for the obvious adoption questions- which can range from the completely innocent and congratulatory to invasive and judgemental. What a refreshing change this lady was. She simply asked me how old Bean was, not even her name or anything, just how old she was. We told her, she smiled at Bean and spoke with her a second or two. Then she looked at me and congratulated me on having a daughter with "startlingly good vocabulary skills" and then she went on her way. I was stunned. I was thankful. I was proud.
On we go. Red peppers. Celery. Cucumbers. Oranges.
Then there we were in the citrus section between the limes and grapefruits. I looked up and an Asian mother was right next to me with her tiny, 10 month old Asian daughter. This was a cute baby. Dark black hair, gorgeous eyes. All of a sudden I realized that the continuous chatter that emanates from MY Asian daughter had stopped. I snapped my head over to her and she was fine. She was just sitting there, mutely staring at this baby. Then the other mother was looking at Bean and smiling. Through the language barrier we had a very brief conversation, ages and cuteness really. Then we went on our way, The Bean and I.
The silence continued and she kept craning her head to follow the baby. When they got out of her sight, she nearly demanded that I follow them around the store. Then she started in with some questions for me. The first, and most telling I think, was "Who's baby sister is she Mama?"
POW! That went right to my guts. I responded with "I am not sure if she is any one's sister, she may be her Mama's one girl"
E: Well I think that she should be my sister. I really need a sister Mama. I think I would be a good oldest sister.
M: We can't have her as ours Ev, she already has her Mama.
E: Yeah. A China Mama. Not YOU. We can just go and get her.
M: Well, we just can't get any little girl that we think is cute to be ours. That's not how we do that.
E: Well, I want HER.
M: What would you do with her Bean? If you had a baby sister that little, how would you be a big sister to her?
E: I would just.... love her. Yep. Love her and give her naps.
M: silence for several minutes while I studied GD potatoes that I didn't even want just so I wouldn't weep in the store.

I hate that when I looked into Evelyn's eyes tonight as she talked of wanting a sister..... I HATE that I fully recognized that longing. I know where she is coming from. There we both stood, in the produce department, nearly in tears.
What a night.

Dear Brevin

Another year in your life Little Man. I have watched you this year and the one thing that I have noticed above all else is that you truly are one FUNNY person. Notice that I said person and not kid. I think that your sense of humor is far beyond your years. I have never spent a day with you that you did not send me into a fit of belly laughs, most of the time without trying.
There are other things that I love about you though. I love your curly, curly hair and I love the way that you can tell me what hair product to use and how to do it if your Mommy's at work and I give you a bath. I love that bright, clear complexion of yours. I love your sparkly eyes. I love the way you make your voice all low and gravelly when you are playing or being mad. I love that when you run, it's always slightly off balance with your head and chest tipped forward, that's why Uncle Les and I call you "Ole Headlong".
There aren't many children or full grown adults out there that are as truly sweet and loveable as you are. There seems to be a perfect balance of sweetness and boyness inside of you.
I love having you in my life Brevin. I feel honored to be your Aunt. I am so glad that you came along.
Happy Birthday. I think that this third year of yours is going to be a great one.