Melissa: Brevin? Have you been using your donuts like glasses?!?
Brevin: Yeah! How did you know?
That's it in a nutshell.
Brev. The boy, the myth, the legend.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
To My Family
Let it go
Let it roll right off your shoulders
Don't ya know
The hardest part is over
Let it in
Let your clarity define you
In the end you will only just remeber how it feels
Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours, these small hours
Still remain.
Let it slide.
Let your troubles fall behind you.
Let it shine- till you feel it all around you.
And I don't mind if it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by
It's the heart that really matters
In the end.
Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
Theses twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain
All of my regret will wash away somehow
But I could not forget
The way I feel right now
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Let it roll right off your shoulders
Don't ya know
The hardest part is over
Let it in
Let your clarity define you
In the end you will only just remeber how it feels
Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours, these small hours
Still remain.
Let it slide.
Let your troubles fall behind you.
Let it shine- till you feel it all around you.
And I don't mind if it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by
It's the heart that really matters
In the end.
Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
Theses twists and turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain
All of my regret will wash away somehow
But I could not forget
The way I feel right now
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
For my family that is daily changing, these small hours with you are the ones that will sustain me throughout my life. The changes we are facing together, the way we have come together- all wonders, little and big.
For my son who is out there waiting, the hardest part is over- WE ARE COMING.
For my sister who is struggling with many things, find the small hours, use them, store them up against the storms to come. Grab your little wonder, hold him to your chest and keep moving forward
For my parents, the small hours that I spent with you taught me exactly what to search for in my own life. You taught me what to provide for my children.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
The Gotcha Day Issue- In response to many posts out there in bloggy land
It seems that my husband and I naturally find a way to deal with these issues without alot of fuss. We have never celebrated Gotcha Day. We talk about it together quietly when she has gone to bed that day, or we may mention something about it to her in a casual, huggy moment. But no parties, no dinners, no "happy happy joy joy" moments.
How did our family evolve this way? Because I can tell you that I had every intention of making a celebration every year. But we are a family who is not into big Anniversary surprises - we just try to be helpful and loving and grateful every chance we get. So it sort of went to follow that this was how we would treat our Gotcha Day.
Then there was Evelyn herself. She let us know what she needed. I did not have to be an expert, or a genius to see that she had some pretty significant grief bottled inside. I once showed her the videos from China when she was about 2 1/2 yrs old- she did not sleep for weeks. I realized very quickly that her Gotcha Day was more about me than it was her. That was my moment. My shining star of a day. For her it was another heart break in the string of many that had made up her life until then. It is a day that she lost yet more. A day where she had to learn how to survive all over again. Where the rules changed-again. The people changed-again. Yes love came in that's for sure, but it was months and months before she could even grasp what kind of love we had for her.
I am certain that mothers and fathers and Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles who are in families with no adopted children read these things that we talk about and wonder about the tendency to be morose. It must seem like we do quite a bit of belly aching and "focusing on the negative". I have a family that deeply loves Evelyn and I know that they care and I know that in alot of ways they get it. But sometimes? They don't. You just can't. There is no way to be able to wrap your mind around this type of situation unless you are the parent or the child. We live with this every day.
EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
That big ball of emotion that sits in our hearts. That's joy and pain and grief and relief and guilt and love- oh so much love. It's all of it.
Hey, I tried it out. I tried that whole "let's act like everything is golden and shiny and wonderful". You know what? Those weeks of denial were the weeks that my daughter had the hardest time relaxing and being herself and holding on and growing towards us.
The pain that these children have is real. To try and gloss it over or pretend it isn't there is denying who they are. What makes them up.
You can say that a baby of 2 days has no real emotional life to cut off, to cripple, to maim. But you would be wrong. Dead wrong. They know. They know that something is wrong. That things just aren't right. Then if they are lucky they go to an Institution that meets physical needs at the best. The there may be a string of nannies that come and go, there may be the orphanage/foster care/orphanage/different foster home dance the Ev had. They know, ok?
It hurts. The amount of loss and pain that they can hold inside of those small beating hearts is staggering.
So, on May 8 every year I will look at my husband at some point in the day with a secret little smile on my face and he will smile back and we will remember those first moments that are so golden for us. Then we will let the day play out like all of our other days, with as much love and fun and respect that we can squeeze in. That's how we do Gotcha Day.
The above started as a comment on another blog but I quickly realized that apparently I had lots to say. We are the sort of family that walks the middle road as far as China, her time there, Chinese culture, birth families. We do not avoid. We let it happen naturally and on her terms. We are open and honest with a mind to her age and emotional state that day. We do not push it. It's there- kind of like the cat you know? Sometimes it comes walking through the room. This way is the way that Ev needs it.
As for my family, the things that they don't get are the things we deal with when it comes to her pain and loss. I know that they know it's there. They just cannot deal with it. It's too painful for them. I am okay with that- all of that is my job. It's a very personal thing with Ev and she sure wouldn't want her time with Gma and Gpa spent talking about China and birth parents and all that jazz. She just wants to be with them and laugh and be loved. That's their job.
How did our family evolve this way? Because I can tell you that I had every intention of making a celebration every year. But we are a family who is not into big Anniversary surprises - we just try to be helpful and loving and grateful every chance we get. So it sort of went to follow that this was how we would treat our Gotcha Day.
Then there was Evelyn herself. She let us know what she needed. I did not have to be an expert, or a genius to see that she had some pretty significant grief bottled inside. I once showed her the videos from China when she was about 2 1/2 yrs old- she did not sleep for weeks. I realized very quickly that her Gotcha Day was more about me than it was her. That was my moment. My shining star of a day. For her it was another heart break in the string of many that had made up her life until then. It is a day that she lost yet more. A day where she had to learn how to survive all over again. Where the rules changed-again. The people changed-again. Yes love came in that's for sure, but it was months and months before she could even grasp what kind of love we had for her.
I am certain that mothers and fathers and Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles who are in families with no adopted children read these things that we talk about and wonder about the tendency to be morose. It must seem like we do quite a bit of belly aching and "focusing on the negative". I have a family that deeply loves Evelyn and I know that they care and I know that in alot of ways they get it. But sometimes? They don't. You just can't. There is no way to be able to wrap your mind around this type of situation unless you are the parent or the child. We live with this every day.
EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
That big ball of emotion that sits in our hearts. That's joy and pain and grief and relief and guilt and love- oh so much love. It's all of it.
Hey, I tried it out. I tried that whole "let's act like everything is golden and shiny and wonderful". You know what? Those weeks of denial were the weeks that my daughter had the hardest time relaxing and being herself and holding on and growing towards us.
The pain that these children have is real. To try and gloss it over or pretend it isn't there is denying who they are. What makes them up.
You can say that a baby of 2 days has no real emotional life to cut off, to cripple, to maim. But you would be wrong. Dead wrong. They know. They know that something is wrong. That things just aren't right. Then if they are lucky they go to an Institution that meets physical needs at the best. The there may be a string of nannies that come and go, there may be the orphanage/foster care/orphanage/different foster home dance the Ev had. They know, ok?
It hurts. The amount of loss and pain that they can hold inside of those small beating hearts is staggering.
So, on May 8 every year I will look at my husband at some point in the day with a secret little smile on my face and he will smile back and we will remember those first moments that are so golden for us. Then we will let the day play out like all of our other days, with as much love and fun and respect that we can squeeze in. That's how we do Gotcha Day.
The above started as a comment on another blog but I quickly realized that apparently I had lots to say. We are the sort of family that walks the middle road as far as China, her time there, Chinese culture, birth families. We do not avoid. We let it happen naturally and on her terms. We are open and honest with a mind to her age and emotional state that day. We do not push it. It's there- kind of like the cat you know? Sometimes it comes walking through the room. This way is the way that Ev needs it.
As for my family, the things that they don't get are the things we deal with when it comes to her pain and loss. I know that they know it's there. They just cannot deal with it. It's too painful for them. I am okay with that- all of that is my job. It's a very personal thing with Ev and she sure wouldn't want her time with Gma and Gpa spent talking about China and birth parents and all that jazz. She just wants to be with them and laugh and be loved. That's their job.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The Christmas Post That I Forgot
I was just thinking. I completely forgot to have a Christmas post. Well now. I guess I really was busy. Because for the first time in, I don't know how long, I didn't send out cards and then I forgot to even blog about it. The biggest and best Christmas that I have ever had! What's up with that?
Oh yeah. We were busy. Then I got tired. Then my computer got another virus. Right.
So we started on Christmas Eve. I made home made Chicken Parmigiana (from The Pioneer Woman) it was awesome. Jodi came and brought a fella- Mike. We sat and ate and got stupid and they had to leave for their next engagement. Then the three of us settled in, watched the tree and had a quiet night.
Since the only thing Ev asked for for Christmas was jelly beans we were bound to score high on the satisfaction points that day. We did well I think. Lots of board games, foam swords, a Link t-shirt (that she has worn unwashed every single day since Christmas - well you come over and try to get it off of her will ya?), there were books and recorders to learn to play, mosaic kits. All in all she was a happy kid. So we opened gifts here an ate some, I cooked a few things and we were off to Grandma's.
That's where the Super Sized Christmas was. Gma's. Easy Bake ovens, Barbie's, heart necklaces, robots, a giant Link poster.... oh and many many other things. Let's just say that neither Ev or Brev lacked for anything. We settled in there at Gma's for a coupla nights and then came back home.
Oh! We have the new Mario Bros Wii and that was so much fun to play.
There was a get together at Aunt Jenny's for the New Year where there was more food and presents. Also cousins! Many cousins to run wild with.
All in all a great Christmas. The best one of my life. Between the actual holiday and our trip to Hocking Hills, the kids being at just the right age and behaving well for every single thing? Well, it was magical. One for the books.
Even though I didn't get one single great picture of the three of us, and most of the ones I got of the many festivities were borderline terrible- it was great.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Winter Makes Her Crazy
Ev is not really one of those "rowdy" kids. She just talks alot. ALOT. have never really felt the need to put her on a treadmill or in a giant hamster ball- until today.
That girl is nuts. She is all hyper and jumpy and demand-y and making noises with ray guns (sister I will get you back for that damn gun believe me when I say this) just to hear the noise, walking around tooting on her recorder (ok that one was my fault) just to be making noise, chasing the cat with either the gun or the recorder, chasing the cat while acting like a manic phased bi-polar cat, beading but not really just leaving the beads about the joint, doing a mosaic but not really, just opening it up and then wandering off to make noise and act weird. Listening to loud music. Not talking but sort of yelling/talking.
I strongly suggested to my husband that he go shovel the drive-way and take the Manic Monkey out with him and stay for a coupla hours. He went. he took her. Blessed man.
So yeah. THIS winter. She is going stir crazy and taking me with her.
I swear I am going to fill the bath tub up later, put a suit on her and let her "go swimming" until she gets all prune-y. Then I am going to find about 500 reasons that she needs to go up and down the stairs. Then I may consider medication. I am not sure who would be getting the meds just yet. Me or her.
Probably me.
That girl is nuts. She is all hyper and jumpy and demand-y and making noises with ray guns (sister I will get you back for that damn gun believe me when I say this) just to hear the noise, walking around tooting on her recorder (ok that one was my fault) just to be making noise, chasing the cat with either the gun or the recorder, chasing the cat while acting like a manic phased bi-polar cat, beading but not really just leaving the beads about the joint, doing a mosaic but not really, just opening it up and then wandering off to make noise and act weird. Listening to loud music. Not talking but sort of yelling/talking.
I strongly suggested to my husband that he go shovel the drive-way and take the Manic Monkey out with him and stay for a coupla hours. He went. he took her. Blessed man.
So yeah. THIS winter. She is going stir crazy and taking me with her.
I swear I am going to fill the bath tub up later, put a suit on her and let her "go swimming" until she gets all prune-y. Then I am going to find about 500 reasons that she needs to go up and down the stairs. Then I may consider medication. I am not sure who would be getting the meds just yet. Me or her.
Probably me.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
So Called Romance
On December 31 the calendar rolled over to a New Year, so there was that. Also that day marked 16 years of marriage for Leslie and I. I could dwell on how I am amazed that two crazy, know nothing, no career having /planning kids made it this far- but I won't. My marriage to Leslie is one of the major blessings and miracles of my life- anyone who knows me at all, knows that.
Here we are 16 years of marriage. I love where we are, I love that kinship, the deep bonds, the long conversations, the planning of our daily lives together. I look back and see how much we have changed. We are not those kids that hold a "burning" romance in our hearts. You know how it is. When we were first married I would see older couples and think how sad it was that they weren't like us. Now I am sad that young couples have to wait so long to get where we are. We have our daughter, our friendship, our faith in each other. Here is an example of what I mean....
Yesterday we spent the entire day moving different furniture components around the house. We did this to start making the Nursery a reality. Leslie suggested this and I jumped on board. As the day closed and evening fell, I was standing in the nearly empty office, the almost Nursery and I was holding a quilt that I bought for THIS baby. I hugged that quilt to my chest and I stood there and thought of that baby and I cried a little and I sighed a little and I thought thoughts about my family. Les and Ev happened to be downstairs talking about Chess at the time and I had those few quiet moments. Then it felt as if some things clicked into place. Things got more real. The baby to come, the family that will change, the daughter that will have to share. And I was cool with it. All of it. Then I went down and found Les and he took one look at me and knew where I was, I knew he knew. We spoke volumes in that one look while Ev was kung fu-ing in the back ground.
As we were finishing things up, I turned to Les and said " I am sure glad that you suggested this. I needed to do something concrete and real about this child- not just manky old paperwork" then he said "Oh I know you did".
Just that. Him knowing in his quiet way what I needed that day. That he needed it too. That we were and are equally vested in this life together. That he can gage my emotional state in one look, that he cares to. That, right there is better than all of the conventional thoughts on romance. We had a very romantic evening indeed.
I love that man.
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