It seems that my husband and I naturally find a way to deal with these issues without alot of fuss. We have never celebrated Gotcha Day. We talk about it together quietly when she has gone to bed that day, or we may mention something about it to her in a casual, huggy moment. But no parties, no dinners, no "happy happy joy joy" moments.
How did our family evolve this way? Because I can tell you that I had every intention of making a celebration every year. But we are a family who is not into big Anniversary surprises - we just try to be helpful and loving and grateful every chance we get. So it sort of went to follow that this was how we would treat our Gotcha Day.
Then there was Evelyn herself. She let us know what she needed. I did not have to be an expert, or a genius to see that she had some pretty significant grief bottled inside. I once showed her the videos from China when she was about 2 1/2 yrs old- she did not sleep for weeks. I realized very quickly that her Gotcha Day was more about me than it was her. That was my moment. My shining star of a day. For her it was another heart break in the string of many that had made up her life until then. It is a day that she lost yet more. A day where she had to learn how to survive all over again. Where the rules changed-again. The people changed-again. Yes love came in that's for sure, but it was months and months before she could even grasp what kind of love we had for her.
I am certain that mothers and fathers and Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles who are in families with no adopted children read these things that we talk about and wonder about the tendency to be morose. It must seem like we do quite a bit of belly aching and "focusing on the negative". I have a family that deeply loves Evelyn and I know that they care and I know that in alot of ways they get it. But sometimes? They don't. You just can't. There is no way to be able to wrap your mind around this type of situation unless you are the parent or the child. We live with this every day.
EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
That big ball of emotion that sits in our hearts. That's joy and pain and grief and relief and guilt and love- oh so much love. It's all of it.
Hey, I tried it out. I tried that whole "let's act like everything is golden and shiny and wonderful". You know what? Those weeks of denial were the weeks that my daughter had the hardest time relaxing and being herself and holding on and growing towards us.
The pain that these children have is real. To try and gloss it over or pretend it isn't there is denying who they are. What makes them up.
You can say that a baby of 2 days has no real emotional life to cut off, to cripple, to maim. But you would be wrong. Dead wrong. They know. They know that something is wrong. That things just aren't right. Then if they are lucky they go to an Institution that meets physical needs at the best. The there may be a string of nannies that come and go, there may be the orphanage/foster care/orphanage/different foster home dance the Ev had. They know, ok?
It hurts. The amount of loss and pain that they can hold inside of those small beating hearts is staggering.
So, on May 8 every year I will look at my husband at some point in the day with a secret little smile on my face and he will smile back and we will remember those first moments that are so golden for us. Then we will let the day play out like all of our other days, with as much love and fun and respect that we can squeeze in. That's how we do Gotcha Day.
The above started as a comment on another blog but I quickly realized that apparently I had lots to say. We are the sort of family that walks the middle road as far as China, her time there, Chinese culture, birth families. We do not avoid. We let it happen naturally and on her terms. We are open and honest with a mind to her age and emotional state that day. We do not push it. It's there- kind of like the cat you know? Sometimes it comes walking through the room. This way is the way that Ev needs it.
As for my family, the things that they don't get are the things we deal with when it comes to her pain and loss. I know that they know it's there. They just cannot deal with it. It's too painful for them. I am okay with that- all of that is my job. It's a very personal thing with Ev and she sure wouldn't want her time with Gma and Gpa spent talking about China and birth parents and all that jazz. She just wants to be with them and laugh and be loved. That's their job.
No comments:
Post a Comment