Buying Duck Sauce

Today I needed Duck Sauce. I am making Rachel Ray's Thai Chicken Pizza for dinner. This is an awesone dinner and I love it so. I also like to convert it into wraps when I am feeling angry at carbs - I digress...
All of the usual places that Caucasians go to buy Asian foodstuffs  i.e. your regular Market, they were all out of Duck Sauce. Really. Every Giant Eagle and local market in a 10 mile radius.
I had to find an Asian Market and go there for my Duck Sauce. You know the stuff that I am not sure they even use in Asian Countries. That stuff. I love it, I will confess. If I am making egg rolls, we will have the duck sauce and if we are having the Thai Pizza? We NEED the Duck Sauce.
Ev and I pulled up, got out of the truck and went in. We walked right into one of those great little places that are an extension of the owner's home country. There was an older Asian gentleman ( I think he was Chinese) at the counter watching a program on a tiny tv, the program was also Chinese I think. Well, we cruised the dimly lit aisles and I passed what was the coolest assortment of Asian ingredients I have seen compiled outside of China. I passed all of these up, not having a clue what most of it was or how to use it.
I went right to the Duck Sauce, snatched up a bottle and walked to the counter.
The fellow there, kept one eye on his program. Until he noticed Ev. Then he looked at her and looked at me. Looked again at her, smiled a bit, looked at me with a question on his face.
I felt a bit ashamed of my duck sauce. I wanted to hide.
There I was with my Chinese Daughter buying duck sauce from a Chinese Man and realizing that Duck Sauce was the epitome of my Asian cooking. ***
My point here is this. How can I teach any real thing about Chinese Culture to my children?
I will do what I can but, mostly I have to face the fact that they are Americans who look Chinese because they were born in China.
This is what I have to help them with. That difference in experience versus appearance.
Not an easy thing to do.

*** Now once or twice a year I DO make egg rolls from scratch. No kidding I even buy Napa Cabbage. Also I have a rice cooker. So maybe Duck Sauce is not the "epitome" of my Chinese cooking but it is pretty darn close. Oh! Also I make a killer Shrimp Fried Rice. 

Huh!

I must say that I pity my poor family. They are never quite sure what version of me they are going to get these days. If I continue on this route, I may be able to make a Mood Map to help them out. This week I have been pretty solid with the moods- in a 24 hour period that is. It goes like this: Numb Day, Happy Day, Going Down Day, Horrible Pessimism Day, Pissed OFF Day and then Recovery to Numbness and so on.....
I am not saying it's right or anything, it's just the way it is. I am a bit angry at our agency, it's a mis-communication thing that in reality is no big deal, I know that, but for right now I am mad. I am tired of the waiting- already. And I just read yesterday that "families waiting to travel will wait 3-5 months from the time China has BOTH dossier and LOI" Nice.  Let's talk about that for a minute. Nearly the entire summer. A 20 Month old boy. Time that we all just hang in limbo, waiting to love him and hold him, while he just gets older and older. More time for him to have to cement these times in his mind and emotions. You know what? Let's not talk about it.
I will sit here in my futile emotions and I will listen to The Cowboy Junkies and I will try to knock the psycho moods off and just be with Evelyn and Leslie.
What else can I do?
Today I am feeling as if I could tear the Great Wall apart brick by brick with my bare hands.
Les says to me "you know, so many good things have happened to get us to Liam, just have faith a little longer", that Faith is hard to maintain as I face the gaping maw of time that stretches between me and my son. Les says "we will get there and when we do, it will all be ok" but I think "what if it isn't, what if he  gets sick, what if they have already moved him from foster care to the orphanage, what if ....what if...what if...
I look at blogs of folks who are over there right now getting their son and I just nearly go blind with longing.

OK. Whining complete.

And yes much to my surprise it has been revealed after these many years that my word sparing, brooding husband is The Optimist! Who knew?

Things That I Have Learned

From International Adoption:

• Time is not your friend. It does not heal. It does not fly.
• Do not EVER remove staples. Just don't even think about the staples!!!!!
• When you have to put it all on paper, your life can seem pretty measly.
• It's completely ok to have about 500 moods a day.
• Fed Ex is WAY better than the United States Postal Service.
• Things only happen when you give up all hope.
• E-mails and phone calls that you sit around and wait days upon days for? Well, those only come in when you are indisposed.
• My husband is first rate at running a copy machine.
• Our agency is not infallible.
• You won't actually die from keeping a constant anxiety pain up in your left chest.
• You can get so stressed that your vision goes wonky for a little while.
• Eventually you WILL get on that plane.
• Your heart is stolen the moment that you look at those referral pictures and you are never the same.
• You don't forget for one minute that there is a baby waiting on you, no matter what is going on.
• Time and Government couldn't ever move as fast as you need them too. 
• Not all USPS Priority packages require the same amount in postage.
• Chinese New Year is not your friend either. (delays delays delays)

From Being Evelyn's Mother:

• It is possible to survive amidst constant chatter.
• She does not forget. Anything.
• She is probably smarter than me.
• She will never laugh when I change the lyrics to music. I do this alot, change songs so they are about Billy or her. This is just not funny to her.
• If your husband goes to work with glitter all over him, he blames you and not the 5 year old.
• It is not okay to have 500 moods a day.
• Changing plans is never a good idea.
• Sporks are the height of human ingenuity.
• A smile can change the whole course of a day.
• Hearing a giggle can lighten any load.
• Snuggle time at bedtime is the best 20 minutes of any day.
• Holding the hand of a 5 year old, can and does, make any boo boo feel better.
• There is magic in almost every moment, if you only know how to see it.
• Genetics do not affect the amount of love you feel for a child. Genetics- Schmenetics!
• Some children wear scars on the inside.
• It is possible, with love and patience and an understanding of where your child is emotionally, to help them heal their grief and loss and move on.

Reader McReaderson

Only the Grandparents are obligated to watch this. It's 6 minutes of Dr Suess so it's not for the faint of heart. Ev is very proud of her new reading skills but still too shy to read in front of anyone else. At this point she does remember most of it but you can still see her figuring a few things out.
My little reader.

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

This One is Her Other Brother

Magic for Rabbits

Ev is fascinated by Looney Toons recently, particularly Bugs Bunny. Today she said, and I quote....
" You know Bugs Bunny makes up good magic words. Like..... wala wala washington, newport news and then he says abracadabra and hocus pocus, abracapocus .......(sigh- think).......those aren't the words I would use. But for a rabbit? They're pretty good."

Heart Sick

The good news is that we have a new computer (thank goodness Americans can just charge things). The bad news is that 6 entire months of our pictures got lost in the transfer! I am sick over this. It was the last 6 months in 2008- so there's alot of Ev just gone. Thankfully I had a Shutterfly album with her Link Costume pictures on it and then I have 1 picture from her b-day that year and 1 Pic from Christmas (just of the tree) that were on Flickr. I am also thankful that it wasn't 6 months of baby pictures or the time we were in China- so it could be worse, so much worse. It's still hard to have lost all of those memories though. I do not have the best memory so I rely heavily on pictures to help me out.