I must say that I pity my poor family. They are never quite sure what version of me they are going to get these days. If I continue on this route, I may be able to make a Mood Map to help them out. This week I have been pretty solid with the moods- in a 24 hour period that is. It goes like this: Numb Day, Happy Day, Going Down Day, Horrible Pessimism Day, Pissed OFF Day and then Recovery to Numbness and so on.....
I am not saying it's right or anything, it's just the way it is. I am a bit angry at our agency, it's a mis-communication thing that in reality is no big deal, I know that, but for right now I am mad. I am tired of the waiting- already. And I just read yesterday that "families waiting to travel will wait 3-5 months from the time China has BOTH dossier and LOI" Nice. Let's talk about that for a minute. Nearly the entire summer. A 20 Month old boy. Time that we all just hang in limbo, waiting to love him and hold him, while he just gets older and older. More time for him to have to cement these times in his mind and emotions. You know what? Let's not talk about it.
I will sit here in my futile emotions and I will listen to The Cowboy Junkies and I will try to knock the psycho moods off and just be with Evelyn and Leslie.
What else can I do?
Today I am feeling as if I could tear the Great Wall apart brick by brick with my bare hands.
Les says to me "you know, so many good things have happened to get us to Liam, just have faith a little longer", that Faith is hard to maintain as I face the gaping maw of time that stretches between me and my son. Les says "we will get there and when we do, it will all be ok" but I think "what if it isn't, what if he gets sick, what if they have already moved him from foster care to the orphanage, what if ....what if...what if...
I look at blogs of folks who are over there right now getting their son and I just nearly go blind with longing.
OK. Whining complete.
And yes much to my surprise it has been revealed after these many years that my word sparing, brooding husband is The Optimist! Who knew?
3 comments:
Brutal honesty here... this is one of the biggest obstacles for me when I was thinking of switching programs. While the wait is incredibly excruciating... it's so much harder AFTER you have that picture. I wanted to limit the amount of time I would feel that kind of pain so I stuck with NSN. That way I'll only have about 5-8 weeks of true misery and I'll be somewhat distracted with the whirlwind of travel prep so maybe it won't hurt as bad.
Hang in there... and don't slap me for saying that. LOL!
well, for me, the wait wasn't brutal once i had referral. i guess it's an individual thing. i was very, very grateful for the extra time to prepare and not leave so soon. and truthfully, we would have left one month later than NSN- so, the few extra weeks wasn't all that long.
and i'll add i'm sorry your wait is dragging on... i guess it's different when you are already LID plus i was a I-600 family (you?).
the cowboy junkies are good mood music to get you through.
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