The Bean and I had the best morning and early afternoon together. We did nothing special, we did not leave the house, we did not have grand adventures. What we did have was quiet time together, laughing and teasing. Feeling the warm summer breezes blow through the house, laughing together over Billy's silliness. We had a Candyland Tournament (Bean won). That's it really. But it was nice. It was just what I needed today and I suspect, what she needed as well.
Her cousins are here now and the three of them are pouring over pokemon cards and discussing subjects that are important to them. Leslie will be home early from work and the 5 of us are going to head off for a hectic afternoon of adoption related errand running.
This morning was just me and Ev.
Mighty nice.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Sometimes
Sometimes I get tired.
I have mentioned before that Bean is complex. I have mentioned how she likes everything just so. I have mentioned how we deal with some issues left over from her first days.....
The thing that MOST gets me down is the constant play around her stubbornness, how she is never really excited -ok let me re-phrase that- how she IS excited but can not let herself show it. How she never fully jumps into ANYTHING enthusiastically unless it is her idea. Now I know that some of this is just "kid stuff". Some of it is not.
I have been struggling lately with a few things. Mainly how she can not just be loved on, how she can not let any energy go without careful consideration.
I was hit with a revelation last week. I was on the phone explaining some of the "whys" of Bean's behaviors to a family member and in my frustrations, I blurted out "it's like this, she had to use so much energy to simply survive, until we got her, that she reads a situation and if it will require her to let go of control and then to also use up some of her energy (emotional stuff) then, she will completely dismiss it and go on because it is still about simply surviving".
And that's it. There are people in her life who do not think that she is a "deep" child, who think that she is not sensitive. The irony is that she feels more deeply and completely than anyone I have ever known. She is just not able to let go and reveal that.
This is a girl who will fall down and, even though I know that she is hurt, she will laugh and announce how silly she is, walk out of sight and then let herself feel the pain. Yes, I always go after her, and comfort her.
This is a girl that, even if the only thing she wants in the universe is to put on a fun apron and bake cookies, will NOT do it if I say "hey kid, come on! let's bake cookies." Yes we bake cookies, but I have to just put my own apron on, lay hers out, and start baking, then she will join me happily.
This is a girl who will not just cuddle. It has to be on her terms. Yes, we cuddle. Yes we are helping her around this issue.
Sometimes though? I just want to holler, "let's play in the rain!!" and have a kid that yells "YES!" and runs outside to join me. Sometime I want to just grab her and lay down and cuddle without telling her that Mama needs the cuddle even if she doesn't. Sometimes I want to have our plans change without having the Spanish Inquisition over it. Sometimes I want it to be easier.
Except that if it were ANY different, then SHE would be different. And that is the last thing that I want.
Some days we trip along and NONE of this comes up. Sometimes we spend DAYS around these issues.
Heaven help me if I use the wrong phrase and see her set her face. I know that I have just lost a battle and that will never change. I never knew that a human being could be so small and so young but so absolutely resolute. Leslie puts it this way, "She got her Warriors in place in those first ten months, they are strong and they helped her live until we could get there. We just need to learn to work around them, because they aren't going anywhere." So that's what we do.
If you are reading this and you are in the Adoption Community, please do not think that we are ignoring her attachment issues, we face them and deal with them every day. We help her and work through things as they come up. I just did some parent training for our agency and in one of the classes, a very smart lady with a daughter form China, said "these things COULD just be personality or they could be attachment issues , it's hard to tell , but either way what's wrong with making room for your child to be herself and love her the best that you can?"
That's where we are, when you read about attachment disorders, you get the established spectrum of no problems to severe problems. If you are a family like ours and just have a few, what? blips, hiccoughs, you just read and read and read and do what you can. Sometimes you follow your gut. Sometimes you go against your gut. You keep trying until you see a change. Until you see a smile that you have never seen before or until your daughter falls down and runs to you for the first time.
People always ask us if the adoption of a child with medical needs scares us. I always kind of laugh. Because technically they are all special needs. They have all lost more in a short time than we can ever imagine. I live every day with the emotional left overs of Bean's early days. I have no label. I have no prescription. There is no surgery. No team of Specialists. It's just you and your baby and a broken heart that needs mending. So, no. The physical stuff does not scare us. It's knowing that your children come to you with a pain that you will never be able to heal. It's knowing that someday they will be hit full force with the knowledge of the nuts and bolts of how they came to be yours.
During all of the "sighs and whys", I have NEVER regretted my daughter. I have never wanted anything but Evelyn. I am glad that my body is a mess and I was lead to China for her. She is mine. And you know what? Who really cares in the end HOW she gets the apron on and starts baking and giggling. She is there, right beside me, living her life. Being loved and loving in return.
I have mentioned before that Bean is complex. I have mentioned how she likes everything just so. I have mentioned how we deal with some issues left over from her first days.....
The thing that MOST gets me down is the constant play around her stubbornness, how she is never really excited -ok let me re-phrase that- how she IS excited but can not let herself show it. How she never fully jumps into ANYTHING enthusiastically unless it is her idea. Now I know that some of this is just "kid stuff". Some of it is not.
I have been struggling lately with a few things. Mainly how she can not just be loved on, how she can not let any energy go without careful consideration.
I was hit with a revelation last week. I was on the phone explaining some of the "whys" of Bean's behaviors to a family member and in my frustrations, I blurted out "it's like this, she had to use so much energy to simply survive, until we got her, that she reads a situation and if it will require her to let go of control and then to also use up some of her energy (emotional stuff) then, she will completely dismiss it and go on because it is still about simply surviving".
And that's it. There are people in her life who do not think that she is a "deep" child, who think that she is not sensitive. The irony is that she feels more deeply and completely than anyone I have ever known. She is just not able to let go and reveal that.
This is a girl who will fall down and, even though I know that she is hurt, she will laugh and announce how silly she is, walk out of sight and then let herself feel the pain. Yes, I always go after her, and comfort her.
This is a girl that, even if the only thing she wants in the universe is to put on a fun apron and bake cookies, will NOT do it if I say "hey kid, come on! let's bake cookies." Yes we bake cookies, but I have to just put my own apron on, lay hers out, and start baking, then she will join me happily.
This is a girl who will not just cuddle. It has to be on her terms. Yes, we cuddle. Yes we are helping her around this issue.
Sometimes though? I just want to holler, "let's play in the rain!!" and have a kid that yells "YES!" and runs outside to join me. Sometime I want to just grab her and lay down and cuddle without telling her that Mama needs the cuddle even if she doesn't. Sometimes I want to have our plans change without having the Spanish Inquisition over it. Sometimes I want it to be easier.
Except that if it were ANY different, then SHE would be different. And that is the last thing that I want.
Some days we trip along and NONE of this comes up. Sometimes we spend DAYS around these issues.
Heaven help me if I use the wrong phrase and see her set her face. I know that I have just lost a battle and that will never change. I never knew that a human being could be so small and so young but so absolutely resolute. Leslie puts it this way, "She got her Warriors in place in those first ten months, they are strong and they helped her live until we could get there. We just need to learn to work around them, because they aren't going anywhere." So that's what we do.
If you are reading this and you are in the Adoption Community, please do not think that we are ignoring her attachment issues, we face them and deal with them every day. We help her and work through things as they come up. I just did some parent training for our agency and in one of the classes, a very smart lady with a daughter form China, said "these things COULD just be personality or they could be attachment issues , it's hard to tell , but either way what's wrong with making room for your child to be herself and love her the best that you can?"
That's where we are, when you read about attachment disorders, you get the established spectrum of no problems to severe problems. If you are a family like ours and just have a few, what? blips, hiccoughs, you just read and read and read and do what you can. Sometimes you follow your gut. Sometimes you go against your gut. You keep trying until you see a change. Until you see a smile that you have never seen before or until your daughter falls down and runs to you for the first time.
People always ask us if the adoption of a child with medical needs scares us. I always kind of laugh. Because technically they are all special needs. They have all lost more in a short time than we can ever imagine. I live every day with the emotional left overs of Bean's early days. I have no label. I have no prescription. There is no surgery. No team of Specialists. It's just you and your baby and a broken heart that needs mending. So, no. The physical stuff does not scare us. It's knowing that your children come to you with a pain that you will never be able to heal. It's knowing that someday they will be hit full force with the knowledge of the nuts and bolts of how they came to be yours.
During all of the "sighs and whys", I have NEVER regretted my daughter. I have never wanted anything but Evelyn. I am glad that my body is a mess and I was lead to China for her. She is mine. And you know what? Who really cares in the end HOW she gets the apron on and starts baking and giggling. She is there, right beside me, living her life. Being loved and loving in return.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Her Room
Ev's room did get done on that Friday that I swore it would get done. It looks great! Evelyn loves it and keeps it immaculate- no messes in her pink room (not many messes before but now she is militant). The picture does not really do that pink justice, it's a very light and soft rose petal pink. The curtains I got from Target and they happened to match the walls exactly, I also got that sweet pink rug there too (it was on clearance). It is just the room I wanted for her, no it's not matchy matchy with every single piece matching and the furniture is not from Pottery Barn (mostly it's from The Miscellaneous Barn) but we think it's pretty and fits her personality.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
5
Wednesday June 24, 2009- Evelyn turned 5.
I am now the proud Mama of one 5 year old.
She had a small Luau, just the G's, Lissa and Brev and Jodi. That was enough for her. Leslie worked all day on Tuesday building her that play house, she loves it and is currently trying to figure out how to keep spiders out of it. We had good food, good luau music and good company. I hope that she will remember this as one of her best birthdays. It was so much fun for Leslie and I.
Thanks Lissa for keeping her at your place so we could get her house built!
I am now the proud Mama of one 5 year old.
She has been with us for 4 years and 1 month of that time. I can not believe how fast the time has gone since they placed her in my arms. I was just looking at some old pictures and I was thinking how big she looked to me now, how old she was now and I was getting sad. Then I saw pictures from her third birthday- then I got sadder. I realized that at her third birthday I felt the same, "oh how big she was, she's not a baby anymore, now she's a big girl, oh she's so tall" etc. etc., NOW looking at those pictures I realized that she wasn't yet that big or grown up, that she was only three, then I realized that at her 7th birthday, she will seem so small to me on her 5th! I realized that no matter what I want, she will continue to grow and blossom every year. Don't get me wrong, I love who she is now. I just wish I had those first 11 months with her. Leslie says that even if I had those 11 months , I would feel the same. He says that no matter how long you have your children, young and safe at home that it is never quite long enough.
Evelyn now rides her bike like nobody's business, loves her Gymnastics, still loves any beach time that she gets, talks about a hundred miles a second. She is funny and bright. Smart and occasionally smart aleck-y. She is still small , 27 1/2 pounds and 37 inches tall. Her hair has darkened and is now a very dark brown, yet not black. She loves Billy Bones and they are more like siblings than anything else. She loves her stuffed "ameeuhls" and likes to fill them up with "love" for any family member that will be away from home. She is nuts about her Papa and they spend alot of time together playing and doing school and smoking pipes. Just last week she used the words "certainly" and "obligations" in sentences. She knows her alphabet and can count to 100. She is writing some now and can write a few words like Mama, Papa, Evelyn, Billy also any word that you spell out for her. She still loves when I clean the toilet and loves to help me sweep. She has two moods, talking and happy. She is polite and kind and completely mystified by mean people or children who do not listen to their parents. She is forever doing these little, small things around the house, like making book marks or, arranging things in different ways. She loves to cook with me and has recently started making up her own recipes.
I love this girl. She is an entire universe to me.
She had a small Luau, just the G's, Lissa and Brev and Jodi. That was enough for her. Leslie worked all day on Tuesday building her that play house, she loves it and is currently trying to figure out how to keep spiders out of it. We had good food, good luau music and good company. I hope that she will remember this as one of her best birthdays. It was so much fun for Leslie and I.
Thanks Lissa for keeping her at your place so we could get her house built!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
What the deal is
I have not posted in a week. In that week we have had Father's Day, family fun, home decorating, birthday preps (ev's), hair cuts (mine), new i-phones......
So why not post and talk about all of that? Well for a few reasons
So why not post and talk about all of that? Well for a few reasons
- Les surprised me with a new i-phone and there was alot of getting used to it and keeping the computer humming "syncing" the phones and a bunch of computer-y geek stuff that I never quite fullunderstood.
- I have three kids most of the week now.
- There is a problem with the computer. A vague and slowing issue that we are just hoping will magically go away. This means that making posts and loading pictures and everything that I do on this hunk of junk just takes so looooooong and there is sunshine and kids to play with and parties to plan.......
- My tiny brown daughter is turning 5 today. I have been planning her party and assisting (cough cough) with the construction of her gift, a cedar playhouse in the backyard.
More on the party(luau theme) and the growing child later. I am off to buy a cake (ice cream kind) and lay in a ton of hot dogs for the cook out today.
Ev's Father
I know that Father's Day has come and gone. I still want to say some things to my husband.
Leslie,
I was trying to say some of these things in Brennan's on Father's Day, you were there, I got teary eyed and nearly leaked onto my crab cakes so I had to change the subject. Maybe that was enough for you. Maybe you saw the look in my eyes and could understand in some way, the things that I was trying to get out. It is not enough for me though. I have things I want to say.
I remember laying on that hammock at that lake in New York as we talked about becoming a family of three. I remember thinking that it would be fun to watch you become a father. I was right. It has been fun and it has been a profound privilege.
I watch you with Evelyn and I see before me, this man that just gets it. You are kind and considerate to her. You think about preparing her for the world while keeping her safely tucked away at home. When you talk about her with me on those late nights in the kitchen, I can see the love you have for her shining out of your eyes. I watch you with her and I know that, that little body is what you most hold dear in this life. You know what? That does not make me jealous or leave me trying to figure out where I fit in. I see that and inside I think "yes, that's the way all daughters should be loved by their Papa's". And I know that your ability to father Evelyn in such a loving and complete way only adds to what we have together.
You simply "get" her. We know that she is a complex little girl and that you can understand that and love her around letting her be herself - that reveals alot about the man and father that you are.
I know that you will have a hard time accepting these things that I am saying. I know that you will remember the times that you have lost your temper or gone to bed feeling like you could have done better with her that day. That's okay. Because when those times come up, I see you get all quiet and broody and later we talk. Later you will talk about why you were short tempered and why you were not yourself with her, and then you change it. I have watched you apologize to her when no other parent would even consider such a thing. I have watched you leave yourself and every other concern behind and place her at the top of the list. There is a giggle that she has that I only hear when she is goofign off with you. How many parents have that? The girl adores you.
That is what great fathers do. They love, they play, they LIKE their children, they are human, they learn, they prepare, they adapt, they place the child before everything else.
You will have to trust me on this one, I know about great Fathers- I have one, I know all of the signs.
Michal
Leslie,
I was trying to say some of these things in Brennan's on Father's Day, you were there, I got teary eyed and nearly leaked onto my crab cakes so I had to change the subject. Maybe that was enough for you. Maybe you saw the look in my eyes and could understand in some way, the things that I was trying to get out. It is not enough for me though. I have things I want to say.
I remember laying on that hammock at that lake in New York as we talked about becoming a family of three. I remember thinking that it would be fun to watch you become a father. I was right. It has been fun and it has been a profound privilege.
I watch you with Evelyn and I see before me, this man that just gets it. You are kind and considerate to her. You think about preparing her for the world while keeping her safely tucked away at home. When you talk about her with me on those late nights in the kitchen, I can see the love you have for her shining out of your eyes. I watch you with her and I know that, that little body is what you most hold dear in this life. You know what? That does not make me jealous or leave me trying to figure out where I fit in. I see that and inside I think "yes, that's the way all daughters should be loved by their Papa's". And I know that your ability to father Evelyn in such a loving and complete way only adds to what we have together.
You simply "get" her. We know that she is a complex little girl and that you can understand that and love her around letting her be herself - that reveals alot about the man and father that you are.
I know that you will have a hard time accepting these things that I am saying. I know that you will remember the times that you have lost your temper or gone to bed feeling like you could have done better with her that day. That's okay. Because when those times come up, I see you get all quiet and broody and later we talk. Later you will talk about why you were short tempered and why you were not yourself with her, and then you change it. I have watched you apologize to her when no other parent would even consider such a thing. I have watched you leave yourself and every other concern behind and place her at the top of the list. There is a giggle that she has that I only hear when she is goofign off with you. How many parents have that? The girl adores you.
That is what great fathers do. They love, they play, they LIKE their children, they are human, they learn, they prepare, they adapt, they place the child before everything else.
You will have to trust me on this one, I know about great Fathers- I have one, I know all of the signs.
Michal
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
A Mental Moment
My hubs is "standing duty", this means that he is at work for awhile..
My upstairs is still torn apart in order to do Bean's room.
My nerves have had enough.
So in my infinite wisdom this evening, I called my husband at work and RANTED. For about 45 seconds, then I sweetly said "okay, then...that's it, I'll talk to you later".
My husband is used to a little crazy. He is probably glad that it was only 45 seconds and I pulled myself out of the swan dive.
It's just that it has been 10 days so far and it was hot and humid and I have been tripping and banging my toes and shins on things for about....oh TEN DAYS.....
Now, I am a bit nutsoid about the house. I like it how I like it. Clean and orderly.
If the house is not clean and orderly, then I stay unsettled on some deep and important level. Now, I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I have loosened up a bit with the Mama Years-however.....
Enough is enough though.
Les will be home in the morning on Friday and we are going to finish that room.
I swear it will be done.
My upstairs is still torn apart in order to do Bean's room.
My nerves have had enough.
So in my infinite wisdom this evening, I called my husband at work and RANTED. For about 45 seconds, then I sweetly said "okay, then...that's it, I'll talk to you later".
My husband is used to a little crazy. He is probably glad that it was only 45 seconds and I pulled myself out of the swan dive.
It's just that it has been 10 days so far and it was hot and humid and I have been tripping and banging my toes and shins on things for about....oh TEN DAYS.....
Now, I am a bit nutsoid about the house. I like it how I like it. Clean and orderly.
If the house is not clean and orderly, then I stay unsettled on some deep and important level. Now, I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I have loosened up a bit with the Mama Years-however.....
Enough is enough though.
Les will be home in the morning on Friday and we are going to finish that room.
I swear it will be done.
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