Jan 4, 2010 Today we got a call from CCAI. I missed it. The message said looking forward to talking with you". So I freaked. I knew the minute that I saw the number on my missed calls list that this was it. I knew it! We had spent the day rearranging furniture and really doing the first bit of REAL home/house planning for the little one.
I have prayed and prayed that God would let me know when it was time to say yes. I specifically prayed that He would somehow let me know that there was no doubt. Well he did because I knew that call was for our baby as soon as I looked at that number.
I just knew in my heart that this was the last night Evelyn would go to bed without a sibling. I knew that in a matter of hours things were going to change.
Jan 5, 2010 Spent the morning being a complete stalker/crazy mama person. Called the person at CCAI about every 20 minutes until I got ahold of her. She was real matter of fact, she said "I know I called you for a reason". Now I had just spent about 12 hours of my life trying to convince myself that this was just going to be about paper work- I just could not be disappointed. But then I was all like "well we are not due for a call until like the end of Feb so this would be HUGE" Ok ok it's just paperwork. I kind of sort of believed that when I heard her back on the line. She said " OK I was wondering if you and your family were ready to be matched with a son"
Then the planet stopped turning.
Les was outside shovelling snow.
Ev was inside watching a Miles Davis concert on Netflix.
I stood there in my kitchen watching the snow fall as I was told about a boy.
She was so excited and happy about this little guy that I could barely get a word in! He was "gold" he was "perfect" "no red flags"!
He was Dang Ao Zhuang and he was 14 mos old. He has a repaired cleft lip and a palate that will need to be fixed once we get him home. He is mischievous and has a temper. He likes bustle. He lets the nannies know what he wants and pesters them if they don't comply.
Well, we said yes.
Of course we did.
Because I knew. I knew it was a boy all along. I knew that this was the call when I looked at my phone.
Then I saw his face.
My what a face. The biggest most liquid eyes, that perfect little set to his mouth and head. A look saying huh, come on if you dare.
Well we dare.
We will travel in June near as I can figure. Too long to wait in my opinion. We want him now.
Jan 6, 2010 Too much to process. We are frantically trying to get our Letter if Intent done while seeing the doctor and fretting over getting the worksheet done that will lock Ao Zhuang in as our own in the computer system.
Ev is handling things with an unexpected grace. We tell her about how she will have to share us, how he will talk funny or not at all, how he will be upset, how long we have to wait to go get him...she takes it all in and just says "well I can share" "we will teach him to talk" "we will just be patient with him Mama and he will see that we are his family" "I will teach him things" " I don't want to wait". What a girl. Her ability to process things and come back at me with absolute love and acceptance is truly astounding.
Jan 9, 2010 We have been trying to process lots of things. These long months that he will wait for us and we for him- this is the hardest. To know that he is there just getting older when he could be here playing and eating and seeing doctors, getting hugs and kisses, meeting Grandma and Grandpa, tussling with Brev, giving Aunt Lissa hell, making Jodi mad with boy fever- that's hard.
He is maybe in the Henan Province where he was born. Maybe he is still in Anhui where he had his surgery. Maybe he is in foster care. I just hope that he is warm and has a full belly and that someone is hugging him.
Jan 10, 2010 Struggles over what to name him. This is getting so ridiculous! It was so easy to name Evelyn. Not so much with this fella. We are trying to find something that he will be able to pronounce, something that we love, that has a good meaning, something that goes with a family name for the middle name. We all stare at his picture all day and all night. I find myself looking at it and talking to him. Ev thinks that I am crazy.
I have his picture next to my bed, and she was hugging me one morning and she said " I know you have that picture here so you can look at it and DREAM about holding him" She said this not in a bitter or jealous way but in a way you would tease someone that has a crush - like the whole thing was so funny.
Jan 11, 2010 One week down. How many more to go? I am even afraid to calculate. We will just take a week at a time, maybe a day at a time. I can not believe how easily my heart has opened and let this boy in. It was seem less. We are still struggling with a name. We have a 48 hour trial going on for one of the names- we'll see.
Jan 13, 2010 Interview today. This means moral dilemma. Tell them about the boy or not? If I tell, chances are I will not get the job. If I don't tell, I will have to tell soon anyway and then that would feel horrible.
Jan 14, 2010 Well. The name is Liam. Liam Wayne Ao Zhuang Dillon. It took us awhile and my sister is still calling him "what's his face" or "nugget" because she thinks that we will change our minds again.
Jan 15, 2010 First purchases for Liam today! He got three pair of plaid shorts with matching monster shirts, two sippy cups (soft rubber spouts) and then several pair of pj's. It was quite fun but surreal buying boy things. I am still in shock over the luck of getting that boy that I so desperately wanted. A boy! A son. Wow. I can not wait to go and get him. I wonder constantly about who he really is- what he likes, how he moves, how he smells, how he sounds. Will he be an easy rider or a complicated little hive like his sister? Will he be a Mama's boy? Will he really and truly like robots?
Ev had her first bit of complete "oh shit this is real and I don't like it" tonight. It's not that she doesn't want him - in fact she desperately does. She just wants him to herself and us to herself and never the twain shall meet! I knew that my biggest fight all along was going to be keeping her at the sister/kid/child level and me being the Mama. She already wants to do every. single. thing. She sat down and MADE money for the trip for heaven's sake! It was purple money with smiley faces in the middle because "i could not draw barack"
Jan 16, 2010 We held our breath all day waiting for the return of Dragon Girl- but Ev remained her pleasant self. I guess watching a theoretical brother get a crap load of stuff at the store tends to send a girlie-o right over the edge.
We rec'd our Home Study Addendum today.
Jan 17, 2010 We realized that once the L-man hits the states, we won't have much time to work on painting the house, so we kicked it into gear today and tackled the painting in the bathroom ( I have only had the primer on and been living with blue painter's tape in there for about 3 mos now). Next up? The entire downstairs!
I am thinking alot about the beginnings of my children. The pain, the loss. I wonder if I am enough to make up for all of that? I am also just gob smacked at remembering things along the way of Liam's adoption and the many signs and encouragements that I had. I am worried about money. I am a mess basically. a good mess- but still a mess.
Jan 18,2010 Ev and I have had the sniffles for a couple of days, she is getting better while I think that I am just beginning the walk down misery lane. We had a fore tonight and we all sat quietly around it. Ev was coloring by the hearth, I was journaling and Les was reading. I couldn't help but wonder what little Liam was up to. If he would come to love these kinds of things with us.
Jan 19, 2010 Liam it is. We rec'd our PA today - only 13 days to get that. This is the thing that China uses to say, yeah we will consider him yours. Cool. Awesome. I can not wait to get the rest of this paper work done and mailed off. I live with a tight ball of anxiety in my chest. I literally have this ache there in my chest all of the time, a dull ache. I want him home. I want him here. I want to see that he is getting fed. I want to see how long it takes for Ev to make him laugh. I want him. I worry all of the time. I have this cadence in my head at all times "get it all done get it all done come on come on he's there he's there come on come on"
