Sunday, February 28, 2010
The Red Shovel
In the year 1977 in the Northeast there was a blizzard. I do mean a blizzard. I was 4 years old. It's funny, this blizzard is one of my most fond and sharp memories from childhood. I remember the way the trees hung low, heavy with snow. I remember how quiet and white the world seemed. I remember how the cars would roll slowly down the blanketed streets. I also remember my red shovel.
My parents bought me a new, red shovel. How how shiny it was! And just my size!
I loved that shovel. I loved that I could be outside with my Dad and play and have a shovel just like he did.
Eventually, I lost some verve for the shoveling and began to play other games. Like "let's bury the shovel". As fate would have it, one time I buried my shovel and couldn't find it. I was heartbroken and sad. I wanted my shovel back. You know? We NEVER found that shovel! I never saw it again.
I was telling Evelyn this story the other night. I told her how red and shiny my shovel was and how I lost it. She has been interested in hearing stories form when we were kids lately and she just ate this one up. The drama of the shovel, it's redness, the loss.
I thought it particularly fortuitous then, when later that same evening I was at a store and they had, red, kid sized shovels.
Of course I bought it for her. It was, quite frankly the best four dollars I have ever spent. She was so enthralled to have a shovel like I did when I was a girl. She was so happy to get such an unexpected gift. She was so happy to be able to go out and "help Papa shovel".
That's where they are now, the two of them. They are outside shoveling. This is the second afternoon in a row that they are out there. She loves it. I can hear her talking and laughing and her Papa laughing with her. I can her the little scrapes that are her and her shovel, working hard. I can see the occasional rooster tail of snow as they try to hit each other with the soft powdery stuff.
Even thought his blizzard is no where near the ferocity of the one when I was young.... Even though my shovel was more red and shiny.....I am hoping that she will remember this for a long, long time. I know I will. I know her Papa will.
My parents bought me a new, red shovel. How how shiny it was! And just my size!
I loved that shovel. I loved that I could be outside with my Dad and play and have a shovel just like he did.
Eventually, I lost some verve for the shoveling and began to play other games. Like "let's bury the shovel". As fate would have it, one time I buried my shovel and couldn't find it. I was heartbroken and sad. I wanted my shovel back. You know? We NEVER found that shovel! I never saw it again.
I was telling Evelyn this story the other night. I told her how red and shiny my shovel was and how I lost it. She has been interested in hearing stories form when we were kids lately and she just ate this one up. The drama of the shovel, it's redness, the loss.
I thought it particularly fortuitous then, when later that same evening I was at a store and they had, red, kid sized shovels.
Of course I bought it for her. It was, quite frankly the best four dollars I have ever spent. She was so enthralled to have a shovel like I did when I was a girl. She was so happy to get such an unexpected gift. She was so happy to be able to go out and "help Papa shovel".
That's where they are now, the two of them. They are outside shoveling. This is the second afternoon in a row that they are out there. She loves it. I can hear her talking and laughing and her Papa laughing with her. I can her the little scrapes that are her and her shovel, working hard. I can see the occasional rooster tail of snow as they try to hit each other with the soft powdery stuff.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
We Were Meant To Be
Meant to be. An interesting phrase. It carries with it a whole truck load of heavy of implications. It implies Divine Purpose, it implies Serendipity, it implies that anything and everything that came before was alright, it was all supposed to happen so you could get to a certain point of place in your life. I have been reading the thoughts and feelings of some Adult Adoptees and they HATE this phrase. I do not blame them.
I have to say that I have never used this phrase, this "meant to be" with my daughter and I probably never will. I had some fuzzy instinct all along that this was not the message I wanted for my children but it hasn't really congealed until recently. That doesn't mean that I don't believe we were meant to be. It means that it will be a long, long time before she can ever begin to wrap her mind and emotions around it. A blogger that I respect immensely said recently " In spite of all those signs (her birth date, the butterfly painted on her face, her very name) that this child was "meant" for us, I believe wholeheartedly that the best possible option for her, if the right supports had been in place, would be for M-n-M to have remained with her China mom and China dad, in her country. But I also believe that God (or the universe, or whatever you choose to call this divine force), has the power to bring the very best out of a complicated situation, if you're alert to the signals. And that same force might point you in the direction your life is better off taking. Certainly this was how we were led to M-n-M, by being open to the possibility of her, and paying attention to the voice of this world, and (more importantly) the voice of our own hearts.". I think she is on to something there.
In my mind, it's like this. Bad things happen. Terrible things have happened to our children and to their birth parents. Those things; the abandonment, the hunger, the cold, the loneliness - these things are not "meant" for anyone. But they do happen. I would give anything if my children could have come into this world and not experienced such loss. They did though. That's where I come in. That's where the "meant to be" comes in. They were not meant to have pain and loss- but I was meant to help charter them through that and come out of the other side, complete and whole and loved and healed as much as possible. I was meant to take a part of their burden. I was meant to help shoulder their load.
I look at my children. The one here, and the one who waits, and I see entire universes in them. I see luminous beings who deserve the best of everything. How they entered this world, alone and frightened, the sadness of it just cripples me somedays. Sometimes I look at them and think, was there no one? No one to stand up for them and love them and cherish them and see what I see? Those days I am crippled by anger for them, these wonderful little people. I get angry at everyone from God to Government to Orphanage Workers to Myself.
On most days I look at them and all I feel is joy. Unwashed, undiluted, complete joy. They are mine. I was meant to be the one that comes forward for them.
I was meant to be...theirs.
The quote above is from Tell Her This written by Kris, the mother to one very special little girl. Check out her blog, if you haven't already. It's worth a few momnets, the way Kris writes about her love of Ellis and their life is amazing and makes me cry at least a few times a week.
I have to say that I have never used this phrase, this "meant to be" with my daughter and I probably never will. I had some fuzzy instinct all along that this was not the message I wanted for my children but it hasn't really congealed until recently. That doesn't mean that I don't believe we were meant to be. It means that it will be a long, long time before she can ever begin to wrap her mind and emotions around it. A blogger that I respect immensely said recently " In spite of all those signs (her birth date, the butterfly painted on her face, her very name) that this child was "meant" for us, I believe wholeheartedly that the best possible option for her, if the right supports had been in place, would be for M-n-M to have remained with her China mom and China dad, in her country. But I also believe that God (or the universe, or whatever you choose to call this divine force), has the power to bring the very best out of a complicated situation, if you're alert to the signals. And that same force might point you in the direction your life is better off taking. Certainly this was how we were led to M-n-M, by being open to the possibility of her, and paying attention to the voice of this world, and (more importantly) the voice of our own hearts.". I think she is on to something there.
In my mind, it's like this. Bad things happen. Terrible things have happened to our children and to their birth parents. Those things; the abandonment, the hunger, the cold, the loneliness - these things are not "meant" for anyone. But they do happen. I would give anything if my children could have come into this world and not experienced such loss. They did though. That's where I come in. That's where the "meant to be" comes in. They were not meant to have pain and loss- but I was meant to help charter them through that and come out of the other side, complete and whole and loved and healed as much as possible. I was meant to take a part of their burden. I was meant to help shoulder their load.
I look at my children. The one here, and the one who waits, and I see entire universes in them. I see luminous beings who deserve the best of everything. How they entered this world, alone and frightened, the sadness of it just cripples me somedays. Sometimes I look at them and think, was there no one? No one to stand up for them and love them and cherish them and see what I see? Those days I am crippled by anger for them, these wonderful little people. I get angry at everyone from God to Government to Orphanage Workers to Myself.
On most days I look at them and all I feel is joy. Unwashed, undiluted, complete joy. They are mine. I was meant to be the one that comes forward for them.
I was meant to be...theirs.
The quote above is from Tell Her This written by Kris, the mother to one very special little girl. Check out her blog, if you haven't already. It's worth a few momnets, the way Kris writes about her love of Ellis and their life is amazing and makes me cry at least a few times a week.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Cabin Fever
Dear God. I do not like February. After Chinese New year and Valentine's we could move on- you know? It could get warmer and brighter. The old dirty snow could go away. The skies could show some blue. Let's consider shortening this drab month okay?
I am just saying this because since I have become a Mother this is the hardest month to get through. God have you been paying attention to this little house today? Just in case you have missed anything , I will give you a run down. You have to face it. The kid here has some serious cabin fever. The kid and the cat and probably me too.
But okay here you go:
P.S. The Cat is currently parked outside of The Pink Palace with what is either a look of chastisement or the making of cunning plans, it's hard to tell, but he is angling for permission to re-enter. God help me.
I am just saying this because since I have become a Mother this is the hardest month to get through. God have you been paying attention to this little house today? Just in case you have missed anything , I will give you a run down. You have to face it. The kid here has some serious cabin fever. The kid and the cat and probably me too.
But okay here you go:
- This morning I was shaken awake by a child claiming that her needs for donuts was intense and she may possibly perish if a donut was not forthcoming.
- Shortly after that, The Cat was summarily dismissed from The Pink Palace for the heinous crime of "chewing a star bead".
- Thirty minutes later The Kid was in an argument with her beloved penguin and voicing BOTH sides of the argument. I am unsure of the cause of the rift but alot of blame was placed and they are not on speaking terms for "120 minutes".
- The Quadro of Polly Pockets has turned ugly. These four are going at each other like residents in a Maine Town as penned by Stephen King. Really, nasty things are being said about bunny slippers and stripey pants. It's ugly. (Again most voices done by The Bean.)
- A short time ago my bedroom was torn apart in the search for a squirt bottle as The Cat was getting truly unruly and The Kid can only control him with forced water streams.
- 45 seconds after a squirt bottle was located, I heard the following from The Pink Palace - Squirt. squirt. squirtsquirtsquirt! then The Cat said pppprrrrpppptttt! and The Kid hollered "THAT WILL LEARN YOU!' " YOU Beast!"- then a jingly slam as the be-belled door of TPP was slammed shut.
- Directly after the slam, a damp and ruffled cat came to my side. He had an air of complete disgust and "I am so telling on her".
- When The Kid heard me assuaging the pride of The Cat, she communicated through her furnace vent that "he does not deserve pity. as he was chewing an handmade butterfly book and he needed punished". The Cat turned and looked at me as if to say "see? I told you- she's nuts"
- I bet that only Jerry Springer could unravel what is currently taking place with the Rabbits that dwell in the Calico Critters Manor, situated in The Pink Palace.
P.S. The Cat is currently parked outside of The Pink Palace with what is either a look of chastisement or the making of cunning plans, it's hard to tell, but he is angling for permission to re-enter. God help me.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Bullets About Bean
I have been going on and on about The Wait and not posting about my Butter Bean and what she is up to these days. Let's fix that.
- We have been working pretty consistently on Home Schooling. I am still trying to get my feet under me on this. Thankfully we have a little room to play with because it is hard for me to make school time a priority when I have so much going on.
- She can count by 2' and by 10's. She can count from 1 to over 120 and back down in reverse. She knows and can write and sound out all the alphabet now. She can read all of her Bob Books and is starting on Hop on Pop and 10 Apples Up On Top. She does addition and subtraction on numbers from 1-10. She is also able to perform some serious critical thinking.
- She still loves her Kung Fu time and practices alot with Papa.
- We recently watched a movie called Akeelah and The Bee and she is obsessed with spelling now. We even have little spelling bees in the living room in the evenings.
- She is ecstatic about her brother and talks of him many, many times throughout the day.
- On Saturday, the day we mailed out the Dossier, she got so excited and happy that she went into Chatter Overdrive for about 12 solid hours.
- She has a little cold right now and she wants lots of Mama Time, this means lap time and cuddle time with me. This means that she just sits there and lets me rub her tummy and play with her hair and I love every single second of it. I just soak it up.
- She wanted her hair to grow, this means that she wanted me to stop having her bangs cut. I have done that and they are pretty long now but I think we are all three ready for her to have the bangs again.
- The other day I sort of had an Atomic Meltdown. I stubbed my toe and that was the straw that broke this camel's back. I sat and cried for a long while and she was right there the whole time, patting my back and encouraging me.She has such a tender and giving heart.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
What's The Difference?
http://nohandscurrentinfo.blogspot.com/2009/11/adopting-sn-step-one.html
http://nohandscurrentinfo.blogspot.com/2010/01/adopting-sn-step-two-paperchase.html
The two links above are great because they give a pretty thorough and succinct run down of the steps to adopting a child from China. Now you may be wondering what the difference between NSN and SN is. Heck you may even be wondering what NSN and SN stands for . NSN stands for Non-Special Needs- a “healthy” child and SN means Special Needs, a child with a known medical condition, sometimes referred to as Waiting Child (WC).
Evelyn’s adoption was NSN. We enetered our first adoption a little timid and feeling like it was an adventure enough without complicating things with medical issues. I do not regret this decision at all. We got Ev. We were meant to have her. I truly feel that if SHE were in the SN Program I would have been led there to find her. Liam’s adoption is SN, he has a cleft lip and palate, though his lip has been repaired (Thank You once again Love Without Boundaries). This time, I was led to the SN Needs Program.
The two programs are essentially the same. You have to complete all of the documentation mentioned in the links above, for both types of adoption. The difference comes in surrounding the matching. With NSN adoption, you get your paperwork done and you send it to China. Once in China your Dossier gets “logged in” and put in line. The current wait is up to a horrible, awful 3-4 years, but when we were waiting for Ev it was 8 months. Eventually your Dossier moves through the rooms at the China Center For Adoption Affairs and lands in The Matching Room. Your match to your child takes place in China then.
With SN adoption the “matching” takes place with your agency. China sends files of waiting children out to agencies. The agencies then take time to sift through what families they have on file and what type of SN needs those families have stated that they are able and willing to handle. Since the matching takes place at the agency level, you do not have to have your Dossier complete and in China. As long as your agency has your Medical Conditions Checklist and Family Info along with signed Service Agreements, you are in line. You can be matched and not have your dossier in China.
As a matter of fact even in the SN program, if your dossier arrives in China with no particular child in mind, your dossier gets in line along with everyone else’s - it’s only with the Pre-Approval of a Waiting Child match does your dossier get pulled and sent into the SN line.
So our Dossier was not done when we got Liam. We still had to wrangle with Immigration and get 3 final documents sealed. NOW our dossier is on it’s way, with little Liam’s name all over it. That’s why I can have a son when China hasn’t seen my paperwork. They have seen enough to issue that Pre-approval, they know that we are sending along the rest. They know we want him, they said okay.
That’s the difference. Clear as mud now?
http://nohandscurrentinfo.blogspot.com/2010/01/adopting-sn-step-two-paperchase.html
The two links above are great because they give a pretty thorough and succinct run down of the steps to adopting a child from China. Now you may be wondering what the difference between NSN and SN is. Heck you may even be wondering what NSN and SN stands for . NSN stands for Non-Special Needs- a “healthy” child and SN means Special Needs, a child with a known medical condition, sometimes referred to as Waiting Child (WC).
Evelyn’s adoption was NSN. We enetered our first adoption a little timid and feeling like it was an adventure enough without complicating things with medical issues. I do not regret this decision at all. We got Ev. We were meant to have her. I truly feel that if SHE were in the SN Program I would have been led there to find her. Liam’s adoption is SN, he has a cleft lip and palate, though his lip has been repaired (Thank You once again Love Without Boundaries). This time, I was led to the SN Needs Program.
The two programs are essentially the same. You have to complete all of the documentation mentioned in the links above, for both types of adoption. The difference comes in surrounding the matching. With NSN adoption, you get your paperwork done and you send it to China. Once in China your Dossier gets “logged in” and put in line. The current wait is up to a horrible, awful 3-4 years, but when we were waiting for Ev it was 8 months. Eventually your Dossier moves through the rooms at the China Center For Adoption Affairs and lands in The Matching Room. Your match to your child takes place in China then.
With SN adoption the “matching” takes place with your agency. China sends files of waiting children out to agencies. The agencies then take time to sift through what families they have on file and what type of SN needs those families have stated that they are able and willing to handle. Since the matching takes place at the agency level, you do not have to have your Dossier complete and in China. As long as your agency has your Medical Conditions Checklist and Family Info along with signed Service Agreements, you are in line. You can be matched and not have your dossier in China.
As a matter of fact even in the SN program, if your dossier arrives in China with no particular child in mind, your dossier gets in line along with everyone else’s - it’s only with the Pre-Approval of a Waiting Child match does your dossier get pulled and sent into the SN line.
So our Dossier was not done when we got Liam. We still had to wrangle with Immigration and get 3 final documents sealed. NOW our dossier is on it’s way, with little Liam’s name all over it. That’s why I can have a son when China hasn’t seen my paperwork. They have seen enough to issue that Pre-approval, they know that we are sending along the rest. They know we want him, they said okay.
That’s the difference. Clear as mud now?
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Entering The Big Wait
At 1:30 pm yesterday we packaged up 15 documents, 12 pictures and a whole lotta money in a box. Then we turned that box over to Fed Ex so they could send it to our agency in Colorado. That box was our dossier. That box held all of our hopes and dreams for a little boy known as Dang Ao Zhuang. A little boy that we will call Liam.
The 2 pounds of papers in that box represented nearly an entire year's worth of effort on our part, it represented meetings and inspections, documentation of every aspect of our life, heartfelt requests, it represents the love that we already have for that little boy.
I can not believe how I feel. It feels like when you are running and you stop for just a moment or two to hopefully help that stitch in your side let up. Your standing there, all sweaty and in pain and your heart is pounding and you have this moment of just breathing and feeling yourself standing there, calm. You know that in a moment you will be back running with your legs pumping and your heart pounding just as fast as ever, but for now, you are just there. In the quiet, breathing. That’s me right now. I am standing and I am hunched over and I am catching my breath for the next thing to come.
The Big Wait.
The Final Push.
Umm, errr,... well okay. The next to last wait.
The last wait will be of course, those excruciating days between our Travel Approval(TA) and the actual travel.
This next thing coming up? I call it The Big Bear. We will wait for China to receive our Dossier and send us a Letter of Acceptance (LOA), then we will send THAT back to China and await that TA mentioned above.
I expect that this section of The Wait will be the one that almost does me in. I mean, I am completely out of it. There is nothing that I can do to speed things up, there is nothing that I can do to stop my son from growing anymore. I will have to trudge through daily life and pretend that I am actually thinking about what everyone is talking to me about. I will have to spend my days just lingering here. Waiting for word. Waiting for permission to hold my child. Not easy folks. Not by any stretch of the imagination.
Right now though I am happy. I am triumphant. I have succeeded. I managed somehow to compress all of our love and desire for that one little person into two pounds of paper. Right now I will breathe. Because The Big Bear will descend Monday at 10:30 am, when I know that our agency has that box.
The 2 pounds of papers in that box represented nearly an entire year's worth of effort on our part, it represented meetings and inspections, documentation of every aspect of our life, heartfelt requests, it represents the love that we already have for that little boy.
I can not believe how I feel. It feels like when you are running and you stop for just a moment or two to hopefully help that stitch in your side let up. Your standing there, all sweaty and in pain and your heart is pounding and you have this moment of just breathing and feeling yourself standing there, calm. You know that in a moment you will be back running with your legs pumping and your heart pounding just as fast as ever, but for now, you are just there. In the quiet, breathing. That’s me right now. I am standing and I am hunched over and I am catching my breath for the next thing to come.
The Big Wait.
The Final Push.
Umm, errr,... well okay. The next to last wait.
The last wait will be of course, those excruciating days between our Travel Approval(TA) and the actual travel.
This next thing coming up? I call it The Big Bear. We will wait for China to receive our Dossier and send us a Letter of Acceptance (LOA), then we will send THAT back to China and await that TA mentioned above.
I expect that this section of The Wait will be the one that almost does me in. I mean, I am completely out of it. There is nothing that I can do to speed things up, there is nothing that I can do to stop my son from growing anymore. I will have to trudge through daily life and pretend that I am actually thinking about what everyone is talking to me about. I will have to spend my days just lingering here. Waiting for word. Waiting for permission to hold my child. Not easy folks. Not by any stretch of the imagination.
Right now though I am happy. I am triumphant. I have succeeded. I managed somehow to compress all of our love and desire for that one little person into two pounds of paper. Right now I will breathe. Because The Big Bear will descend Monday at 10:30 am, when I know that our agency has that box.
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