Combo #27

The following is an e-mail tht I sent to Les while he was at work, oh about a week or two ago. It's where I am. It's what's happening in my heart and head.




Leslie,
I have been thinking this morning and most of last night as I lay in bed. I am tired of being the "delayed gratification so I don't feel excitement" person. As a military wife and a mother who has to go thru an International Adoption ot bring her babies home, I am quite used to sitting around just waiting. I have learned how to turn almost everything off and live for the day or the minute that I am in and not think about how long I have until I see you again or how long I have until I will hold my baby. While in Alaska I exhausted myself, literally emotionally exhausted myself. It seems like I was always waiting for you to come home, and that was while I was waiting for Ev. It was hard. I got to the point where I just sort of closed off during waits. Now it is what I do.
And not just for huge life changing things- all things. Like this trip to Hocking Hills? I was so excited the day I was planning it and then "click" I turn it off. Go numb and wait. It's scary- I can even make the appropriate noises and expressions but it's all fake. Nothing is there until the moment we are "doing".
Last night I realized that the scene in The Office bothered me , not for what I was thinking at first. It was that they let themselves be blissfully happy and unaware. I never let myself do that. I do have all of that joy flood in at the call and at the hand over, that's true. But then I have to dive right into making travel arrangements and then taking care of the little bugger. I have never allowed myself those moments of joy, when you can just sit back and be in love with the idea. It's me. I do this to myself!
I have moved thru the miracles that lead us to this child and this place right now with this whole web of worry and doubt over my head and heart. I have not really enjoyed the idea, the timing, the hope, the excitement. I am too afraid. I am just surviving. But it's not good enough any more. I AM excited for this little guy. I DO want him home so bad that I shake. I just push it away and worry about the SN thing, the meds, the surgeries, the fear.
Well, I am tired of it. What will all of that worrying get me? Grief- plain and simple. I get mad because I don't want people to be NOT HAPPY for us, but I never show the joy myself. I never pull people along on my tide of joy. Like with Chris and Kathryn? I just launch right in to the SN and the problems that the baby might have and then tack on a hurried "oh but we are happy at the end". I am done. I do not care what people think. I do not care if I exhaust myself again.
I am going to let myself be happy and enjoy the feeling of a baby coming. All of those other things will take care of themselves. I know that we will still have to talk about the SN about the issues, about the real and understandable worries. I will actually still worry. I am just going to be doing both now, happy and worried. That's Combo Number 27, the joy/fear combo.
I deserve this. The baby especially deserves to be anticipated with joy. No one else will love him unconditionally like we will. We have to find that now. We have to let go and let it all happen and take him in our arms and sigh and say "finally you are home, we have you now." All of the other stuff will fall in line.
I am not trying to become a head in the ground sort of Mom. I know that we still have hard conversations about what is coming, what we will face. But that stuff? That's not all there is. I am going to let myself see the rest. I am going to let go a bit.
Okay?
M