And then my heart melted....

Let me say that my Butter Bean has been doing so many new and exciting things, that I can hardly keep track. It's like there has been an explosion on all fronts. The other day she did something that amazed me and now I can't even remember what it was, and I looked at her and I said " OH! Evelyn you are getting to be such a big girl". Well, she got real quiet and sort of slid off of my lap and wandered off. I thought, well ok, maybe she's just in a mood- because let's face it, she's what one would call a "dynamic personality" just like one of her parents..... Then a few minutes later I realized that she was crying. I went to her and picked her up, snuggled her on my lap and when she was ready to talk, I asked her of she could tell me what the matter was, and she said this " Mama, I don't want to grow up. I want to stay like I am. I don't want to be a growed up because then I won't be your tiny Butter Bean". And then, you could actually hear my heart melting....
I never expected moments like this. Really. I never knew that the love you felt for your child could combine with your deepest desire to keep them just as they are forever and threaten to turn you into a blubbering pile of jelly. I never knew that when they placed that sick, tiny girl in my arms, that she would very quickly have the ability to make me experience the most intense love that I have ever felt. How could anyone ever tell you that in a book or in a conversation? The thing is, they can't. It's every mother's privilege to learn it on her own, in those moments when you think that you could out sing the angels.
Why did this moment make me so happy and heartbroken at the same time? It made me happy because to hear your child say that she wants to be your little girl forever means that she, at least, thinks that you are getting the job done. It also broke my heart because for the very first time, I lied to my child, I told her that she didn't have to grow up- I know that she will grow up, you know that she will grow up, her Papa knows that she will grow up....but, for just a little while longer, I don't want her to have to worry about it.

Warm Day

While the north was all snowed in yesterday, we had a warm and sunny day (we wanted to go back to Ohio?!?!), that meant, that even though the yard is still a swamp- there is fun to be had. Bean headed out first thing with smoothie in hand to stroll about the yard and take in the morning. After that there was much monkey-ing around with Papa, the tree climbing lessons were a big hit! We spent all morning in the yard playing and doing some outside chores, then in for lunch. After lunch we headed to a local playground to meet some friends for playing. By nap time, we were all done in and pleasantly sleepy. Here are a couple of highlights from the day.





This just cracked me up, here is Bean strolling around the yard while sipping her Breakfast Smoothie (Tropical Orange)



And here she is , high in a tree, up over her Papa's head!

Getting prepared for the day.....

when Evelyn figures out about birth mothers and birth fathers and asks me questions about hers. When you have an adopted daughter, the birth parents can play a big part of things, even if you have a child that never really seems interested in them, you as her Mother will sometimes think long and hard about the birth parents- it's inevitable.
I have often felt guilty because I have no particular love in my heart for Evelyn's birth mother. I respect her decision and every day, every minute I am glad the she made the choices that she did, but that is really it. The guilt comes in when I read about other adoptive mom's and how they have special rememberances for the birth families and when I hear them talking about deep emotional commitments to the birth mother. I have always wondered about this and after reading a blog entry from a fellow adoptive mom, I understand.
It was and is very evident that Evelyn did not receive any love and affection before she was placed in our arms. Her basic needs were met and I am truly grateful for that- but that's it. Without getting too personal here, I just want to say that the way Evelyn was found in China does not speak volumes about any sort of mother love. Yes, her birth mother had other options than leaving her where she could be found, but there could have been more. I can't really describe what I am talking about, but, you can tell when a child was loved and left and when a child was just left. Then the SWI staff took care of her physical needs and that is it. I get so angry when I think about this. There was another little girl in the group that was given to her adoptive parents with toys, outfits, lots of pictures and she was very well fed and obviously LIKED/LOVED- an obvious difference in how Evelyn was presented to us. I understand that they have only so much time and blah blah blah. What I have a hard time wrapping my mind and heart around is the fact that while one child got so much, there were others that got so little, in the same place and the same time.
I think that had Evelyn had any amount of love in her life, I mean a physical sort of caring and emotion here, not just that decision that enabled her to be MY daughter, I would feel different. I know nothing really about Evelyn's first days,and that will be very hard for this particular girl to take. I know what I was told and I know what my heart feels. I will tell her these things and I will do it with as much tenderness and respect as possible. For though I have no deep emotions for her birth mother, I have love and concern for Evelyn and I don't want her hurt.
So, while we tell her stories of China and how we became a family, they always start at the moment of "the open door" and they do not go any farther into the past than that. I am ok with that for now as I know I have some emotional work to do before we ever talk about her time in China without us.
I am not meaning any disrespect to her birth mother, I can only imagine how hard it was to walk away, maybe the lack of anything extra was just a coping mechanism and maybe my inabilty to go any farther than that is my coping mechanism. Because when I look at that beautiful little face and I hear that sweet laughter, it is completely unreal to me how anyone could be in the same room with this special girl for more than 20 seconds and not want to hand her the moon. In a way I guess her birth mother did hand her the moon- she followed some whispering in her heart, and left Evelyn in a place that would end up in her being here with me and Les. Because I know that Evelyn is mine. There is no doubt that we were meant to be together.
Does it seem that this post is all over the place? Well, that's a view into the heart of an adoptive mother- at least this one's. It's as honest as I can be and I hope that it's enough for my daughter when she asks "What came before us?"
This entry is so much more eloquent than mine so give it a read and maybe it can fill in some blank spots
http://jazzieandtahlia.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/02/this-morning-i.html
On second thought I should have just posted this link and left it at that....

Welcome to Puddlemere...

We woke to a wet, wet world again today-thunder and lightning with tons of rain. What are two home girls to do?
Well, we had some muffins for breakfast. Played about the house. Watched Singing in the Rain with a pic-nic lunch. After that, the rain had stopped so we headed out for a walk. Of course, Bean hit every puddle in the neighborhood so when we got back to the house, I just turned her loose in the flooded yard, much to her delight. By the time she was done, she was wet up to her armpits and blue lipped and shivering- she never had it so good!

Just Because......

I love this picture. This is quite possibly my favorite picture of Evelyn -ever. Her little personality is so evident here, and her being that darn cute helps too.

Saturday Fun

Yesterday, Bean requested that we, "get her outta this damn house". Well kid, ok! So we went up to the Aqaurium again, this time the Octopus was awake and moving around so we were all happy. Then we took her off to spend some money that her Grandma had just sent to her- she bought a Thomas the Tank Engine Playset.I loved watching her take in all of her choices and thinking about whatshe really wanted, she was so funny, it took her like a half an hour or so to decide. After shopping, we had a stop for an ice cream treat and THEN we went..... bowling!!! It was Bean's first time bowling and she loved it! She has been talking about it all day and has been trying to scam us into taking her back today. She was so funny with the balls, we would help her get them going down the lane and then she would just start jumping all around, mostly not even paying attention to the pins. If it were mine or Leslie's tun, she would stand off to the side, jumping and cheering us on. A good time was had by all. Oh, mama won.






These pictures aren't that great, it was dim in there and Bean was having a hard time being still. Yet you can see that the balls are bigger than her head.

We may have a drinking problem.....

This is what our fridge looks like- all of the time. Why do we have so many beverages? I have no idea but we have a near panic attack if there isn't two kinds of milk, three choices for juice, tea, fruit punch and soda option. Also having V8 is good. Does anyone else have this many drinks in the fridge- or do we have a drinking problem?







At least it doesn't look like this-heh.