And then my heart melted....

Let me say that my Butter Bean has been doing so many new and exciting things, that I can hardly keep track. It's like there has been an explosion on all fronts. The other day she did something that amazed me and now I can't even remember what it was, and I looked at her and I said " OH! Evelyn you are getting to be such a big girl". Well, she got real quiet and sort of slid off of my lap and wandered off. I thought, well ok, maybe she's just in a mood- because let's face it, she's what one would call a "dynamic personality" just like one of her parents..... Then a few minutes later I realized that she was crying. I went to her and picked her up, snuggled her on my lap and when she was ready to talk, I asked her of she could tell me what the matter was, and she said this " Mama, I don't want to grow up. I want to stay like I am. I don't want to be a growed up because then I won't be your tiny Butter Bean". And then, you could actually hear my heart melting....
I never expected moments like this. Really. I never knew that the love you felt for your child could combine with your deepest desire to keep them just as they are forever and threaten to turn you into a blubbering pile of jelly. I never knew that when they placed that sick, tiny girl in my arms, that she would very quickly have the ability to make me experience the most intense love that I have ever felt. How could anyone ever tell you that in a book or in a conversation? The thing is, they can't. It's every mother's privilege to learn it on her own, in those moments when you think that you could out sing the angels.
Why did this moment make me so happy and heartbroken at the same time? It made me happy because to hear your child say that she wants to be your little girl forever means that she, at least, thinks that you are getting the job done. It also broke my heart because for the very first time, I lied to my child, I told her that she didn't have to grow up- I know that she will grow up, you know that she will grow up, her Papa knows that she will grow up....but, for just a little while longer, I don't want her to have to worry about it.