when Evelyn figures out about birth mothers and birth fathers and asks me questions about hers. When you have an adopted daughter, the birth parents can play a big part of things, even if you have a child that never really seems interested in them, you as her Mother will sometimes think long and hard about the birth parents- it's inevitable.
I have often felt guilty because I have no particular love in my heart for Evelyn's birth mother. I respect her decision and every day, every minute I am glad the she made the choices that she did, but that is really it. The guilt comes in when I read about other adoptive mom's and how they have special rememberances for the birth families and when I hear them talking about deep emotional commitments to the birth mother. I have always wondered about this and after reading a blog entry from a fellow adoptive mom, I understand.
It was and is very evident that Evelyn did not receive any love and affection before she was placed in our arms. Her basic needs were met and I am truly grateful for that- but that's it. Without getting too personal here, I just want to say that the way Evelyn was found in China does not speak volumes about any sort of mother love. Yes, her birth mother had other options than leaving her where she could be found, but there could have been more. I can't really describe what I am talking about, but, you can tell when a child was loved and left and when a child was just left. Then the SWI staff took care of her physical needs and that is it. I get so angry when I think about this. There was another little girl in the group that was given to her adoptive parents with toys, outfits, lots of pictures and she was very well fed and obviously LIKED/LOVED- an obvious difference in how Evelyn was presented to us. I understand that they have only so much time and blah blah blah. What I have a hard time wrapping my mind and heart around is the fact that while one child got so much, there were others that got so little, in the same place and the same time.
I think that had Evelyn had any amount of love in her life, I mean a physical sort of caring and emotion here, not just that decision that enabled her to be MY daughter, I would feel different. I know nothing really about Evelyn's first days,and that will be very hard for this particular girl to take. I know what I was told and I know what my heart feels. I will tell her these things and I will do it with as much tenderness and respect as possible. For though I have no deep emotions for her birth mother, I have love and concern for Evelyn and I don't want her hurt.
So, while we tell her stories of China and how we became a family, they always start at the moment of "the open door" and they do not go any farther into the past than that. I am ok with that for now as I know I have some emotional work to do before we ever talk about her time in China without us.
I am not meaning any disrespect to her birth mother, I can only imagine how hard it was to walk away, maybe the lack of anything extra was just a coping mechanism and maybe my inabilty to go any farther than that is my coping mechanism. Because when I look at that beautiful little face and I hear that sweet laughter, it is completely unreal to me how anyone could be in the same room with this special girl for more than 20 seconds and not want to hand her the moon. In a way I guess her birth mother did hand her the moon- she followed some whispering in her heart, and left Evelyn in a place that would end up in her being here with me and Les. Because I know that Evelyn is mine. There is no doubt that we were meant to be together.
Does it seem that this post is all over the place? Well, that's a view into the heart of an adoptive mother- at least this one's. It's as honest as I can be and I hope that it's enough for my daughter when she asks "What came before us?"
This entry is so much more eloquent than mine so give it a read and maybe it can fill in some blank spots
http://jazzieandtahlia.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/02/this-morning-i.html
On second thought I should have just posted this link and left it at that....
1 comment:
I totally and completely get what you are saying.
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