The Story: Part 2 Darkness Falls

We went home after that weekend and started trying for a baby. We tried and we tried and we tried. I mentioned to one of my co-workers that we were trying and she asked me how long we had been trying, I drew a blank, I honestly did not know. So, I went home and got the calendar out and Leslie and I realized that it had been a year. A whole year! I am not sure where my mind was at this time, why hadn't I realized that a year had gone by? Leslie was working the 2 on, 2 off rotation and I was working a whole bunch and when we weren't working we were going into NYC for day trips, or hanging out at Jone's Beach or some other nonsense to keep busy. I went back to work and talked with my friend. She suggested that even with Leslie's 2 on 2 off rotation, we surely should have seen some progress after a year.
After all of these years I can still see her face and I know her story but that friend's name has drained right out of my head. I remember many talks with her during these days and the days to come. You see, she had been pregnant with her first child when she got into a car wreck. The wreck was so violent that it nearly killed her. It did take her baby's life and with it, every chance that she could ever get pregnant again. So she adopted. She talked openly and lovingly about her adoptions and how much they meant to her and that after she healed, she realized that it was going to be pretty cool to get children through adoption.
Well, at some point I went out and spent a whole lot of money on one of the Ovulation Predictor sets. I used that thing faithfully for another 5 or 6 months and the meter never showed an ovulation cycle. NEVER. I knew then, that all my worst fears were coming true. I had never had a "normal" cycle, ever. Not even when I was 16 was it ever regular or easy. I had terrible pain with my periods for years. I took this new and heart faltering information to my GP, I wasn't even done talking before she had a referral written out for me. A referral for a "Fertility Specialist". I went out to my car and I sat there, in shock and fear. I had no idea what to do next. I had no idea what to tell Leslie. I just started to shut down and loose further track of things. Maybe I was being dramatic, maybe I was jumping the gun on grieving but, I have to say that sometimes a person just knows what is lying ahead of them. I had not at this point talked with my family about this. I may have mentioned something in passing to my mother or sister but no real commitments , I had wanted everyone to be so taken with surprise when I told them I was pregnant. Now, here I was with this referral in my hands and a huge wail growing in my heart and I had no idea how to talk to them about it.
Leslie and I talked. And talked. At first he wanted to deny where we were with this, that was hard. Then we had to talk about how much we wanted kids, how hard were we going to fight? I have never been a huge proponent for Fertility Treatments, I would much rather see families made trough adoption, that was always my take (as a matter of fact my cheeky stance on the subject got me into some hot water in Nursing School). We knew though, or decided that we would have to at least figure out what the problem was. Down the Black Hole we went.
After some simple bloodwork and an ultrasound for me, the Dr knew that I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and things did not look good. After a surgery, it was discovered that I also had endometriosis and , what I like to call "crappy fallopian tubes" So while Leslie was perfectly fine with " extremely mobile, strong and numerous"..... you know what- I was a Trifecta of Pain.
I can not describe those days clearly. I can not remember them. I have no idea how I went to work, or ate, or cooked. I have no idea how I maintained radio silence over this with my family. I had that surgery and no one knew but my sister and then I only told her the most basic , need to know stuff and not much follow up. I do however, clearly remember the grief, the sobbing as Leslie drove us home along the L.I.E., the way it felt when the Doctor looked at me and said "zero chance". I was deep in grief for awhile, and during this grief we decided to try a round of AI (artificial insemination) with drugs taken to force my body to develop a mature egg and ovulate.

That was awful. Daily blood work. Pills. Shots. Little hope. Knowing that I didn't really want to start my family like this with me in an undignified position in an OB chair and Leslie way down in the waiting room. There was no love, no mutual-ness. Nothing, just medical procedure. I hated it. We decided that once would be enough, no matter what. We would do something else.
That was good because the Coast Guard was calling and we were about to move. A long, long way away.......

The Story: Part 1 Let's Do this

It was the summer of 2000. Leslie and I were a young couple on our own on Long Island. We had friends, family and two cats. We had a cute little place in the Navy Housing in East Meadow (there were no meadows). We were happy. Except.....well.....
We travelled to a NY lake and spent some time at a lakeside cabin with two of our great friends and their two kids. It was a fantastic weekend that I will probably always remember, it was so relaxed and easy between us all. Even though, Jimmy, the youngest (I think he was around 1 at the time) wasn't quite feeling well and was cranky and not his usual cherubic self, it was good and I started to realize that I wanted that "family" thing for Leslie and I. I know that we had conversations about having kids before this point, I just don't remember them. They probably went like this, one of us "hey, are we gonna have kids?", then the other would say "yeah that would be great but not right yet" and we were cool with that. This particular trip though as we watched Jim and MaryAnne parent their kids and have so much joy in them we both realized that we were ready. We wanted them.
I still remember how it went down. We were both sunburned and sleepy after a morning of swimming and boating. A good lunch in our tummies, we headed off to while away some time in a big two man hammock that was strung up between two big trees. We lay there, talking and laughing over the things that the kids had been doing. And, we sort of both said, "Hey why not us? Let's do this." It was a particularly happy moment in my life. I still have a picture that Jim or MaryAnne snapped of us, just as we finished saying that to each other, it's a great picture and my face in it, is glowing and my smile nearly jumps out at you.
I realize now that had we spent that weekend alone or with another family, we would not have come to that conclusion when we did. I know that it was watching Jim's undisguised love and enjoyment of his kids that made Les think that he could have the same thing. I know that it was Brianna joking about "stinky ducks" with Les that helped him see there was so much more to kids than he had realized. I know that watching them be frustrated with Jimmy but still loving him and finding fun with him, made me see that it would be difficult but do-able to be a mother. I know that it was some of our conversations with Jim and MaryAnne that weekend that made us realize we had alot to talk about but, we could, and would be parents.
We just thought it would be sooner rather than later.......

Supercalafragalisticexpialidocious

Snohio

We here in the Land of Cleve, just had our first snow. It was nothing spectacular, just the roof tops covered with white dust and a few sparse piles of the white stuff on the ground (mostly over top of our, as of yet, unraked leaves). Evelyn stood at the window all morning looking at it and watching some blow around. I had to answer many questions about the logistics of snow, how much would we get, that there should be ALOT on the ground at Christmas, that she wants the snow to last and last and never go away. I was surprised by all of this because the first (and only) two times that she has experienced snow before now, left me feeling as if snow were her natural mortal enemy. I mean she hated the stuff. She would just get generally weasel-ey and whiny and maggoty when confronted with plain outdoors cold- never mind the personality alterations that would take place when her body came into contact with snow. ( I think the one time her face actually turned inside out and she spoke backwards). To see her excited about the snow left me feeling that we may live through this first Ohio winter. I thought I would test my theory and we headed outside to check things out this afternoon. She loved it!!! She ate it, she tromped it down, she threw it, she gathered some to store in the freezer for summer. Really I want to know who this snow/cold loving girl is. Though she did spend the first 10 minutes out there with no coat or hat or gloves- she just could not believe that she would need them and I didn't want to start things off with a power struggle so I just let her go until she was cold and then she happily layered up. In her defense we were out raking in t-shirts and sweating just 3 days ago. So, it snowed and The Dillon Three couldn't be happier.

You may notice that the pictures have slowed down a bit on the blog, I am trying to have a balance of normal no picture taking play and family time with well, the camera around all of the time. Every once in awhile I can tell that Ev is getting a bit tired of having the camera in her face and I back off for awhile.

Movie Time

On Saturday, my sister and I decided to take the kids to see Madagascar 2. Now they both just watched the first one at my house not too long ago and they still remembered the characters and such so I knew Ev would settle down and watch the flick....

Let me backtrack a bit, for the longest time, Evelyn was scared to death of tv- anything on tv and we have systematically desensitized her. Not because I think that having a kid adapted to loads of tv watching is good but because it was a crippling fear and I DARE you to try and take your kid anywhere and not see a tv. So now we have a low to moderate tv viewing child that can finally handle a movie theater.

So here we were at the theater and Ev was going to handle the movie okay , it was just the previews that were the wild card It's because I can never tell her exactly what we will see or how loud it will be. She needs to feel like she can get away if she needs to , so we came up with the coat over the head technique. I think it worked pretty good.

The movie was entertaining enough that I didn't have to resort to rubbing salt in my eyes as a distraction (Angelina Ballerina shows make me want to do that , there are a few others as well but they don't get more than one viewing) and Evelyn laughed out loud a couple of times. She has been sleeping with the movie ticket stubs so I think she enjoyed herself.

Bullets

• I have been thinking about doing a several post telling of why, and how, and some of the things in between, of our long road to Evelyn. Then I realized that November is National Adoption Awareness Month and I thought it might be a good time to get things written down. I am pulling the thoughts and dates together in my head and will start in a day or so.
• Leslie has has a schedule change. For the first time in his Coast Guard career, he is not standing duty. He used to have to work 2 days on then had 2 days off with sliding 3 day weekends. Now he just "Day Works", he goes in at 8 am and is home by 5 pm. It's so wonderful to have him home every night.
• We three raked, and raked, and swept the leaves out of our yard yesterday and I awoke this morning to see the entire yard re-covered in leaves!!! AGGGHHH!!!! I can hardly lift my arms today so I guess they will have to wait a day or two. Or maybe I will just wait until the giant oak that stands over my back yard is all bare and done shedding.
• We had a fire in the fireplace last night. For the first time, Billy Bones got brave enough to get close and I think he will reside permanently in front of the fireplace either waiting for a fire or sucking up all of the heat.
• Leslie and I have been doing alot of work changing some of our parenting techniques and I think that they are paying off. It's heartening to see. Though Ev was a corker at the grocery store yesterday and I wanted to stop right in the middle and leave because I was loosing my mind. Really, how can I concentrate on Granola Bars and their price and what flavors we want if I have to stop in the middle of the aisle to explain in intricate detail, the mystery of shaving cream?!?! (NO I have no idea why the granola bars were next to the shaving creams).
• Evelyn had her Mandarin book out yesterday and she kept running up to me and telling me things out of the book. This was in front of our next door neighbor and I know that she (the neighbor) was floored. I couldn't tell if it was from the cuteness, the fact that Ev speaks a little Mandarin (taught by us- not remembered), or the sound of Mandarin on the suburban streets of Cleveland.
• Evelyn has been marching around announcing that she can not wait for Valentine's Day. I think that's her favorite and I am not sure why. There is candy, but not like Halloween and only small token gifts, not like Christmas. I dunno, maybe it's all the red and pink.
• Leslie went and picked up the cool a$$ Christmas present so that is home with no worries and I can now sleep at night( it's actually stored in Jodi's garage-thanks Jodi). I originally thought that we could set it up in the basement and then move it out back in the spring but, that's not going to work. So I guess she will get either a cool winter cottage or a super duper Birthday gift- we'll see. Either way, I couldn't pass it up.
• My Mom is in New York City - right now. I hope that she is having a blast! She is there with some friends from work, with no husband or kids or grand kids. Remember Mom, what happens in The Big Apple- stays in The Big Apple.

Today

Today I stood at the front of our home, I was taking a breather from raking leaves and cleaning up the front yard. Evelyn was there with me, running around and doing her thing. I stood there for a moment feeling my arms ache nicely and I watched that little girl. She was dressed in a navy blue short sleeve dress with a red shirt underneath and red tights with black Mary Jane's. She had a bright orange bucket in one hand swinging it back and forth as she walked. I stood there mesmerized by the sight of her. The sunlight was slanting down our street, filtered through the autumn leaves that remain on the trees, so the light was golden and streaked. The sidewalk was a patchwork of golds, oranges, reds and browns where the leaves on the ground made irregular shapes of color. My tiny, brown haired girl walked along, singing, swinging her bucket and scuffling her feet to make crisp swishing sounds. I watched her stopping to inspect interesting things and occasionally toss something into that orange bucket, a dry leaf here, an abandoned mum there. I could hear snatches of her song though the swish swish of the leaves. I could see the sunlight shining off of her dark hair. I have never seen anything more beautiful in my life. I imagine that if I lived for a thousand years there would be nothing to rival the sight of that wonderfully open and curious girl as she walked down the street as the autumnal world was revealing itself to her. I stood there transfixed to that spot and I finally understood the sheer magnitude of the responsibility of being her mother- I have to try and keep her spirit as open and honest and hopeful as it is right now. Those few moments on a suburban sidewalk held more epiphany than any moment that I have ever had looking at art or in a church or in nature- anywhere. I could see my daughter clearly. And she is divine.