We went home after that weekend and started trying for a baby. We tried and we tried and we tried. I mentioned to one of my co-workers that we were trying and she asked me how long we had been trying, I drew a blank, I honestly did not know. So, I went home and got the calendar out and Leslie and I realized that it had been a year. A whole year! I am not sure where my mind was at this time, why hadn't I realized that a year had gone by? Leslie was working the 2 on, 2 off rotation and I was working a whole bunch and when we weren't working we were going into NYC for day trips, or hanging out at Jone's Beach or some other nonsense to keep busy. I went back to work and talked with my friend. She suggested that even with Leslie's 2 on 2 off rotation, we surely should have seen some progress after a year.
After all of these years I can still see her face and I know her story but that friend's name has drained right out of my head. I remember many talks with her during these days and the days to come. You see, she had been pregnant with her first child when she got into a car wreck. The wreck was so violent that it nearly killed her. It did take her baby's life and with it, every chance that she could ever get pregnant again. So she adopted. She talked openly and lovingly about her adoptions and how much they meant to her and that after she healed, she realized that it was going to be pretty cool to get children through adoption.
Well, at some point I went out and spent a whole lot of money on one of the Ovulation Predictor sets. I used that thing faithfully for another 5 or 6 months and the meter never showed an ovulation cycle. NEVER. I knew then, that all my worst fears were coming true. I had never had a "normal" cycle, ever. Not even when I was 16 was it ever regular or easy. I had terrible pain with my periods for years. I took this new and heart faltering information to my GP, I wasn't even done talking before she had a referral written out for me. A referral for a "Fertility Specialist". I went out to my car and I sat there, in shock and fear. I had no idea what to do next. I had no idea what to tell Leslie. I just started to shut down and loose further track of things. Maybe I was being dramatic, maybe I was jumping the gun on grieving but, I have to say that sometimes a person just knows what is lying ahead of them. I had not at this point talked with my family about this. I may have mentioned something in passing to my mother or sister but no real commitments , I had wanted everyone to be so taken with surprise when I told them I was pregnant. Now, here I was with this referral in my hands and a huge wail growing in my heart and I had no idea how to talk to them about it.
Leslie and I talked. And talked. At first he wanted to deny where we were with this, that was hard. Then we had to talk about how much we wanted kids, how hard were we going to fight? I have never been a huge proponent for Fertility Treatments, I would much rather see families made trough adoption, that was always my take (as a matter of fact my cheeky stance on the subject got me into some hot water in Nursing School). We knew though, or decided that we would have to at least figure out what the problem was. Down the Black Hole we went.
After some simple bloodwork and an ultrasound for me, the Dr knew that I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and things did not look good. After a surgery, it was discovered that I also had endometriosis and , what I like to call "crappy fallopian tubes" So while Leslie was perfectly fine with " extremely mobile, strong and numerous"..... you know what- I was a Trifecta of Pain.
I can not describe those days clearly. I can not remember them. I have no idea how I went to work, or ate, or cooked. I have no idea how I maintained radio silence over this with my family. I had that surgery and no one knew but my sister and then I only told her the most basic , need to know stuff and not much follow up. I do however, clearly remember the grief, the sobbing as Leslie drove us home along the L.I.E., the way it felt when the Doctor looked at me and said "zero chance". I was deep in grief for awhile, and during this grief we decided to try a round of AI (artificial insemination) with drugs taken to force my body to develop a mature egg and ovulate.
That was awful. Daily blood work. Pills. Shots. Little hope. Knowing that I didn't really want to start my family like this with me in an undignified position in an OB chair and Leslie way down in the waiting room. There was no love, no mutual-ness. Nothing, just medical procedure. I hated it. We decided that once would be enough, no matter what. We would do something else.
That was good because the Coast Guard was calling and we were about to move. A long, long way away.......
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