Warm and Breezy

It's about 60 here today and breezy. The air smells vaguely Spring-ish. So I think and hope that Winter is fading. All I know is that I am in a frenzy. We have all of the windows open to air the house out and I have been cleaning our three season porch to get it up and ready for it's three seasons. Billy Bones is dashing form window to window, sniffing and bright eyed and Ev has about 45 gajillion trillion things we need to go OUT and do. I am with her. I think we'll load up and head to the park so she can run and climb and feel the breeze on her face. This is our second day like this, she spent all day yesterday outside with Leslie.

My emotional state has settled back down to somewhere around normal. That's good. I guess I needed a freak out and the some alone time (which Leslie was gracious enough to provide for me yesterday).

Evelyn has been practicing her Gymnastics and has conquered the Cartwheel! She has only had about five classes so I am really proud of her. She just goes into her room, turns on the FreezePop (music) and starts practicing. It's so funny to see that little body turn circles.

I just can't wait to get that little Mei-Mei home. You know I guess that I should mention for those of you that don't know, Mei-Mei is Chinese for Little Sister. Jie-Jie would be Big Sister.
I just feel so lucky that we get to do this. It feels so great to not be trying to justify Not going for another daughter anymore, that was exhausting me. Now I can just sit back and relax in the glow of 5 months of paperwork..... No really. Everything we do now, I am thinking "oh and then little mei-mei would be doing this.....". I swear I am ready to turn this computer room into a nursery and get all of her clothes washed and put into place. I even feel like I should go look at bottles. I just hold it all back for now. No sense in tiring myself out. plus I will need all of my energy and focus just to get the dossier done. When we mail that baby out though? I am going to be on fire. Then I will have months to sit and wait. And wait. That's exactly how things went for Ev, I was ready with an empty crib and full closet for months. Well, it can't be helped. You know it's perfectly natural since there is nothing else you can do for that child. You arrange furniture and paint and shop and re-arrange.

This Is A Prayer for a Butter Bean Girl..

Neil Gaman is only my favorite author ever. I think that he has one foot in this world and the other foot in a world of magic. That's him reading in the clip above. I hear this and I think , yes oh yes that's what I want for my daughters.

Running From The Monster

The monster in this case being anxiety from a number of different places.
The runner being ME.
I attended my first day of the Nursing Refresher Course yesterday. I got about 3 hours of sleep before I took off at the very un-Holy hour of 7 am. I arrived just in time, thanks to an accident on the highway. Took my seat and sat in lecture for 8 hours. Then I got in my car and came home (no traffic issues on the way back). I walked in the house and Les and Ev were all snuggled up on the couch (with Billy Bones there too) and they were reading.
I proceeded with the evening as best I could and then directly after we laid Evelyn down for bed time. I freaked out. Yes. For those of you that have heard about these first hand, or lived right above us when they happened- I had a good old fashioned , hasn't happened in at least a year "Michal Fit". Well, it was a level two anyway. (there are 5 levels)
I still don't feel better today.
I did figure out WHY I was/am a mess.
(Chris J? The Adopting Mother Syndrome has once again attacked my psyche!!! RUN! RUN! Oh wait, you are in St Louis- you're good)
There is actually a list. The problem is that I have not had time to process ANY of it. I just keep on trudging along. I think that lack of processing is the actual culprit behind my state right now. I mean this afternoon, I am still jumpy and have trembling hands and I just need to get out on my own.
The list does include some good things, one thing is THE BEST THING EVER. it's just that even when they are good, they have accompanying stress.

Okay here it is:

• The Adoption of The Mei-Mei (ALREADY I am gnashing my teeth at people who can not return phone calls)
• Returning to Nursing
• Going to a class for the return to nursing
• General Issues with Evelyn (you know those OMG! she's 4 things?)
• Les has talked (guilted) me into this damnable Fat Flush Plan and it is a diet that requires strict regimenting (NOT my strong suit) and a big cut back in calories in general with the addition of weird drinks. Also no carbs OR Dairy. (this alone is enough to make any mere mortal woman a bit techy)
• I have been forced recently to realize that someone very close to me has a drinking issue and I never wanted to believe that it was a problem so believed what was told to me and allowed this very, very dear person to suffer and fall - alone.
• Also it can be very stress inducing in life when you feel that you are the only one, between you and your spouse, that can actually feel anxiety. You start to feel weak and psycho and fragile.

So I had been running from the Monster and the Monster ate my face for a late night snack last night. I hope he got indigestion.

It's No Big Deal- Right?

It's no big deal that I just laid my daughter down to sleep and I won't see her again until 5 pm tomorrow. I mean it is just a day of class and Jodi will be here with her until Les gets in from work. So she will have a half day with the Jode-ster and then a half day with her Papa. It's no big deal.....at least that's what my rational mind is saying. My mama heart has other notions.
It's just a day. One step for me to take to get back to work. At the most I hope to only be away from her for two nursing shifts a week and then she will be with Les at those times. So overall it's not that bad. AND it HAS to be done if we are to bring home that little baby I am (we all are) so desperately wanting.
It's just that it is the first palpable step in Bean's journey towards being.... I don't know. Older. More Independant. The Big Sister.
I am trying so hard not to be dramatic. But I think I will cry just a bit. Not for the single day we will spend apart but what it is representing.
Like Lyle Lovitt said " and all I did was think- things are about to change".

The Bean's Paper Kingdom

Bean has this love of paper. Bits of paper invade my life and home and purse and pants pockets and her pockets and Leslie's pockets, and they get stashed into her purses and the purses get stashed under her bed or in her closet. Bits of paper are everywhere. She will want to save the tags off of clothing, any reciept, movie ticket stubs, envelopes(!), any paper insert that comes with toys or videos, the inserts from my birth control pills, junk mail. Stickers! Stickers are good too. They don't even have to be cute kid stickers, address labels will suffice. She is forever walking around and handing out bits of paper that she has affixed one sticker to, usually the piece of paper is one that has been ripped form a larger piece. She will make "bookmarks" out of any old scrap of paper and then find a book to put it in, so chances are, if you grab one of our many books and open it for a quick perusal? A bit of paper will drift down. Her car seat is crammed with ill gotten recipets and toll booth tickets. Really.
There is much bargaining and talking to throw even one scrap away. Here's how bad it is: at Christmas we had a gift exchange with Leslie's family here at the house. I had to make up a few paper tags with numbers on them to mark the presents for a random drawing. Evelyn still has those numbered bits of paper! Instead of watching the festivities, she went around frantically gathering the number tags up and has kept them God only knows where. I see one occassionally.
The other thing then, is the gifting of these papers. I can recieve at least 10 to 15 bits of paper in a single afternoon. These are usually just torn fragments that mean nothing. I mean really we have to admit that- they are meaningless. OR if you are lucky you get one with an address label or some other sticker on it. AND you are expected to show enthusiasm and gratitude and find a safe place for each and every scrap. It's not just us she gives these things to - it's everyone. Last week Les brought her a stack of Post-it's home. That next Monday she wanted to take them to Gymnastics and give all of the kids on her class a single post-it. ( I said no).
Also this week I imported those tags that you can buy to mark pages in books. These brightly colored things that are a heavenly mix of paper AND sticker? Evelyn was breathless with desire for these things! She was breathing heavy and jumping about as soon as I took them out of the bag. She was fidgety. She was anxious. I was forced to give her her own pack, either that or watch her brains melt out of her ears. I gave her blue. She wanted orange. I haven't heard the end of this yet. I kid you not I have had fifty conversations in three days about these tags. She figured that she wasn't going to get anymore until she used up her blue ones. So she tagged every single page in one of her notebooks. When she realized that a trip to Office Max to replenish her stock was not forthcoming- she recycled them.
Today I snapped. As I was attempting to run the vacuum cleaner in the living room, I was stopped TWICE to receive bits of paper. The second time was it. I turned of the vacuum and got down on her level and face to face broke the bad news, as gently as I could. I had to tell her that other people did not love paper the way that she did, that usually people just threw receipts and tags and such away. That she was no longer allowed to hand out paper unless it was an official piece of art work that she sat down and worked on.
Thursday we will talk about throwing some of her stashes away.
Just like when I banned the game "Restaurant"
(see this post http://beandippin.blogspot.com/2008/08/restaurant-or-mama-takes-stand.html ) I expect that there will be a transition time, then none, and then gradually she will re-establish her paper kingdom but on a much more manageable level. ( To be honest I banned restaurant and never intended to play it again but, it keeps sneaking in somehow-only occasionally though and now with a set menu, and a real waitress pad and her cash register and real recycled reciepts to sign when you pay the bill, and somewhere she has a stash of starlight mints and you get one of those too)

Ridiculous Toes

Nightmare in Beachwood

In fact, it was nightmare form Cleveland to Beachwood to Mayfield Heights.
Let me explain. Yesterday Jodi cam over to go with us to the Natural History Museum. She was on time, I was late getting ready. After living with me for 15 years, Leslie knew that lunch was up to him. He made us all terrific veggie sandwiches before we headed out.
We made it to the museum with only a minor mishap ( that was Les getting so caught up in quoting The Incredibles that he nearly missed the exit and had to zoom across three lanes to make it). The only other thing I noticed was the face freezing bitter Cleveland Cold while we walked up to MNH, but this wouldn't be a factor until later.....
We went in. Okay remember the thing Evelyn has about skeletons? I wonder what I was thinking. Apparently Natural History means skeletons- everywhere. People skeletons, monkey skeletons, strange prehistoric man skeletons, skeletons of giant monsters that have huge teeth and could eat you......She did pretty good though. Only minor flinching and cowering. Leslie was really good with her and by the end f the day she said that the dinosaurs were her favorite. All is well that ends well. The highlight of the day was getting to see a little Mohawk-y duck in their outside display, that would lay the mohawk down, dive and emerge, shake his head and lift the orange-ish mohawk back up. Pretty cool that duck. I laughed out loud every single time he bobbed back up ( as did Jodi and Evelyn and Les).
After the Museum. We were hungry. I was very hungry. Evelyn was "twenty thirteen hungries". No problemo. We went into Downtown, parked at the back of Tower City, shopped for a bit then headed out of the front to go to Frank and Pauly's in the BP building (a block away). MAN! Was it cold. Like really cold. Like my brain is now a slushy cold. We get to the door, right under the big sign advertising this restaurant and we can't get in. The doors are locked. But there was a call box. We called. We were informed by the amused Security Guard that F&P had been closed- for three years!!! This is where the cold comes in, we had to walk back to Tower City with no reprieve from the cold. It was effing cold.
Okay Plan B. Back to our area to eat. BUT, we were being picky. We wanted Beninhana's. We did not have a reservation. SHAME!!!! SHAME!!!!!
Okay Plan C. Back to the truck. I mean we were in Beachwood, there should be something right? Wrong.
Okay forging ahead. We find some restaurants near Beachwood place and want to eat at a Chinese place that has a sign but we could see no discernible proof of that restaurant existing. We did not exit the truck. It was about here that as Ev launched into one more of her "work" stories I asked her to be quiet. She got frustrated and did a little fit thingy in her carseat. I responded with the scream about death and starvation. In my defense it was dark, the veggie sandwiches had worn off, we were stressed and partially lost.
Eventually we made it to a Brown Derby Roadhouse and ate. The nightmare did continue for Jodi though, her fish came with it's skin on.
Then we were all miserable because we were stuffed.