Things Are Slipping

I am sorry to report that Adoption-itis is setting in. This is a condition that affects the mothers and fathers during the paper chase and wait. It is a condition that lends itself to minor weekly fits and major holes in the memory, there is also a bit of a loss in the problem solving department.
Not ready to just take my word for it? Think maybe I am being a bit , ummm dramatic?
Well okay then here's proof.
We had to move some things around in the office, to make room for the printer that we had to haul down from the attic so I can stop Post Office hopping when I need to make copies for the paper work. We had to move one of our small Ikea tv dinner stands (1 of 3 that we have). The problem is that the one in the computer room was here so Billy Bones could lay/sit/lounge/sleep/drool under the window. Now that one has a printer on it, and is under another window. Billy is pee-ohed to say the least. We went searching for the other two to make amends to the Toe-ed Beast. One was located in the basement game room but, as Les is having a big game this weekend- he refused to give it up. So we went searching for the remaining tv stand-it's red.
We looked- and by "WE" I mean Leslie and I, both of us- for three days. In the attic, in the garage, in all of the closets, under beds, all over the basement. It was gone. G.O.N.E.
I was convinced that Les threw it away.
Today I found that tv tray/stand thingy.
It's in the living room.
Right next to the couch.
Holding a stack of books and a LAMP.
It's been there for several MONTHS.
I dust it weekly.
Three days we searched.
Three.

Update: As soon as I finished writing this post, Evelyn informed me that she had been wearing the same socks for three days. She said like , oh hey you know mama here's an update but in a kind of, are you loosing it kind of way. So I changed her socks already. SHEESH!

Things Change

Four years ago, I was in Alaska. I was a sad, and pathetic version of myself. I was about 8 months into the wait for Ev and I had just run out of steam to keep myself going. I could no longer be hopeful. I could no longer generate enough energy to get through the day, let alone, make myself falsely hopeful and "happy to be waiting".
Now four years have passed and that little girl that caused me so much agony in the wait for her, is in her room, listeng to her music and playing with her cat and drawing me pictures of butterflies and strange little men named Bill. Now that girl is a healthy, happy ball of energy that goes like a steam engine from the time she cracks her eyes open in the morning until she is kissed goodnight. Now, that little girl that changed everything for me has changed me again.
Four years later, I am about to embark on another wait. Four years later I have been made to see that there is room for one more.
What will my heart hold four years from now?
I can not describe how lucky I feel to have Evelyn in my life. How that, Leslie and I are the lucky ones. How much I love that girl. How much she means to me.

Update on that Mei-Mei

It seems that tomorrow Leslie and Evelyn and I will be meeting our Social Worker for the first time! EEEK! We have a chance to go in and have the Medical Conditions Checklist signed. That means that we can fax that to our agency, along with the Family Info Sheet and hopefully get our place in line for referral. The Social Worker also wants to set up the first home visit for our Home Study as early as next week.
I couldn't be happier. The sooner I get this stuff done, the sooner I can get to the shopping that I am telling myself I won't be doing. I am so very excited to get this new little person into our lives. It doesn't seem completely real to me yet. I am at that stage where it feels weird to talk about a second child in solid and definite ways. I keep "trying it on for size" though, calling her by name and letting myself plan out the nursery, a little bit- things like that.
Part of me is so shocked! The last time I did this, I was in Alaska and everything was so much harder. It took much longer to arrange the home study as the social worker had to drive 4 hours to get to us. Everything we mailed out took a week to reach it's destination. It feels so fast but, so good.
It really is fast too. When you consider that just less than a month ago, we weren't even talking about this and now that Home Study is looming.
Also a note on names..... we have a possibility for both a boy and a girl picked out. But, we are not telling..... not yet anyway. We are doing alot of talking about a girl and a sister but we are aware that what we talk about and check on the paper won't really matter- we will get the child that we are meant to have. SO we may end up with a boy. We ARE leaning for a girl though.
( I am no fool. I know that once the paperwork is done and I am down to just waiting to see the face of my youngest child- I know that time will drag and I will wonder how I will ever stand the wait)

The Littlest Caledonian

This is my daughter.
She is doing her best impersonation of the Pict Peoples.
Apparently? When your Mama is slogging her way through some (read as: hours of) Nursing homework on-line and your Papa is painting the hall, you holler out some vague question about markers or something. They both drop the ball, and mutter vaguely affirmative responses. Then you get out some blue markers and stencils.
Then you proceed to apply blue war paint.
Keep in mind that this is just a picture of her LOWER body. The top half was decorated as well. I also learned that "washable" is a mere suggestion, or plea, in hopes that the marker will maybe consider having it's blue self washed off of your kid.
She had to soak.
A long time.
Serves us (her)right.

Note to self: Next time, actually bother to concern yourself when your 4 year old asks to "mumble mumble mumble marker mumble?". And then gets quiet. For a long time. Okay? Because next time she might be drawing on the cat.

The Story: Part 5 Dreaming

I haven't told this story to alot of people. I feel strange and a bit too exposed when I do, but it has been on my mind. It's also a part of how Evelyn became such a part of me so quickly.
Here's the thing. I have dreams and by dreams I mean Dreams. Dreams that carry portent or have some spiritual connection. I always have. Not like every night or even every month but, when I need them, they come. Also I am one of those people who believe in ghosts, mostly because since I was a child- I see them. I can tell you that when I married Leslie he was a non-believer and after living with me for fifteen years, he has no choice but to believe. I know it sounds kooky but there it is. I am not like the girl in that show Ghost Whisperer and I am not a psychic. I just dream sometimes and sometimes I see ghosts. Okay- everyone sufficiently freaked out now? Everyone thinking I am a kook? Good.
It was about the time that I mailed off all of that Dossier stuff and I was highly freaked. I had no idea how long the wait would be. I wasn't even sure that I would get a daughter out of that mess. I spent a major part of my time obsessing on this. I prayed an worried and cried and flailed about. If I wasn't worrying about actually getting her, I was worrying about what her life currently was, was she warm? was she hungry? was she loved?
One day I was home, in my kitchen all alone thinking hard about my future baby, with the windows closed. Doing the dishes. And I smelled pipe smoke. At the same time I smelled pipe smoke the hair on the back of my neck stood right up. Then I had an overwhelming sense of my father in law. Wayne had passed away several years before and we were very close. I loved him dearly and I know that the feeling was mutual. I smelled the pipe smoke and knew that something was trying to be said to me. I stood quietly and waited but the smell faded. Two days later the same thing happened except that I was sitting on my couch reading. Then it happened again. This time I got a little frustrated and I said "okay I know that you are there and I know that you are trying to tell me something but I am just not getting it, I am sorry, I just can't figure it out".
The next night I had a dream.
The dream started with me in this big empty house and I knew that Leslie was there, even if I couldn't see him. I could hear babies crying. I searched and searched until I found a big room full of cribs. I looked down and there lay this tiny baby-crying. I reached down to pick it up, but just then a woman appeared and shook her head "no" at me, she grabbed the baby before I could even get a grip on it. Then I looked up and Les was just standing there watching. This
happened at several cribs before I started crying. When I cried, Les just turned and walked away. I followed him but I couldn't find him. I searched the house again, this time for Leslie.
I finally saw him walking up some stairs to the attic. I followed. We held hands as we walked thru the door and into the attic.
The attic was dimly lit and entirely empty. It was as I was looking around that I noticed my father-in-law, Wayne was sitting just under a light, he was in his wheelchair and had a pipe in his hand. When we looked at each other, he smiled really big and I took a step to go and hug him but he held up his hand to stop me. I waited, confused. Then I realized that he had his head tilted and he was listening to someone, I could actually hear faint whisperings. He listened for a moment and then he nodded yes and he looked at me and he smiled and then he was just gone. I looked down and there in my hands was this maroon booklet with letters that I could not read on the front. They were in gold. I opened the book and I just couldn't make out any of the words. As I was puzzling this, I heard a door creak and looked up to see Leslie walking thru another door. I walked over to see what he was doing. When I pushed the door open, my face was flooded by sunlight and I blinked several times. When I could see properly again, I was looking out into a field of golden grass and Les was sitting on a blanket, picnic style and next to him was a small dark haired Asian girlie and she was eating a plum. They smiled at me. The dream ended just as a huge flock of birds took flight and flew overhead.
I woke up, the next morning and I KNEW that something special had taken place. I knew that there was a child for me and I knew that Wayne was watching over her. Yes most of the dream was not hard to interpret, I mean the babies that I could not hold? That's easy. The searching? That's easy. But then there were things that were right on that I had no idea about. There were things that proved to be true. Very true.
We can fast forward a bit as there is no surprise to spoil, we all know how things ended. There I was on the day of the referral call. I was frantically taking down information, they told me that her name was Yi Fu Mei. That Yi was her surname given for the city she was found in (Yichun). Then they said "her name Fu Mei means Lucky Plum" PLUM! That was the fruit that the dream girl was eating. I knew then that there was no doubt, Evelyn Elaine Fu Mei was mine. I sat there, with chills all over my body and I got completely silent, I remember that the caller had to ask if I was there several times before I could even speak again.
Then there we were in China. The day that we met Ev. We had to go to our room for a bit and then meet up with everyone for paperwork. There at that meeting we all three sat for a picture. Then our guide walked over and handed me a maroon booklet with golden Chinese letters on the front-our Adoption Certificate. The one piece of paper that meant that officially- she was ours. I opened the book and, nearly fell down. I could not make the words out. It looked exactly like that dream booklet because my eyes were swimming with tears. Now I knew that I would get a certificate, I knew that there would be things handed to me- of course I did. But I never saw a picture of an Adoption Certificate before or since we were in China. Families have too much going on to photograph each document.
My dream came true. Yes indeedy - my dream came true.

The Story: Part 4 Time and Paper, Paper and Time

The first three parts of the The Story can be found here:
http://beandippin.blogspot.com/2008/11/story-part-1-lets-do-this.html
http://beandippin.blogspot.com/2008/11/story-part-2-darkness-falls.html
http://beandippin.blogspot.com/2008/11/story-part-3-north-to-alaska.html

Part 4: Time and Paper, Paper and Time


There we were on the brink of DECISIONS. You know those decisions that in one word or two change your life? The big decisions in tiny moments.
I wasn't keeping a journal or anything at the time, so I have lost bits of how and why and when exactly things were done. Leslie went for the Trip Around from Jan to June of 2003. From June to Jan then was our decision making, researching and money saving time. I can't remember many exact things from this time. I do know that one day a very nice and awesome doctor, heard me talking in our nurse's kitchen about adoption. She just breezed over and said "OH! You want to adopt? I have this great friend who has two daughters from China. She's is always willing to help other folks out. Wait, here's her number- call her" So I called J. J was a Godsend, a fountain of information and the whole time she was giving me info and agencies and general moral support, I could hear her two daughters playing in the background. I got off of the phone in this strange trance. I just sat there for a bit, stunned. She was so matter of fact and with it and had so much good information. Something happened. Things gelled for me.
Leslie and I had spent weeks looking at various countries and pictures of children from these countries. It was just that every time I saw an Asian face my heart would jump. Then this call with J happened and I sat there. And then I knew. That was it, I just knew where to go and get my daughter. I called Les at work and I said "It's China". He said "China huh?" and I said "yep" he said "okay let's do it".
So I contacted CCAI, an agency that J used for her first adoption. We got the paperwork and in Jan of 2004 our application was accepted and we were off. To adopt Internationally you need lots of documentation (that right there is the understatement of the century). You have papers for the agency, papers for the home study, papers for two governments, you must obtain copies of every scrap of officialdom that concerns your life. You must have references. You must figure out your financial worth. You must document all things, these documents are called your Dossier. THEN you send the documents out to be stamped by the various States involved. Then they get sent out to get stamped by someone in the Federal Gov't. Then they get sent out to get stamped by the Chinese Embassy. Then they get sent to your agency and gone over with a fine tooth comb. Then and only then do they get sent to China. Once China has your paper work , your clock for your referral starts. The Date that China gets your paper work is very important, that's your DTC of Dossier To China. Ours was Aug 13, 2004. Evelyn was in China and about 2 months old when we got our DTC date. If you can believe it there is actually more paperwork than implied in the above statements, because each stamping (Authentication) must be accompanied by very specifically written requests. Leslie and I had to sit down and write a several page biography-each. We had to obtain physicals with their special paper work. We had to get letters of Employment with very specific wording.....yadda yadda yadda.
We got our DTC date and The Wait was on. The estimated referral time for Ev was 8-10 months. That seemed so long to me that I can not imagine what it is like for the families that are now waiting for THREE YEARS or more- my heart goes out to them.
I remember that after we were done with the round of p.w. that was the applications to the agency and the Home Study Agency- I was excited to get my Dossier Packet. I have no idea what I thought. It seemed that we had done soooo much already and I thought I would have to just gather some stuff and mail it in. I was blown away by the notarization and verification and authentication that went along with each piece of paper. I sat and had my very first anxiety attack. It all felt so insurmountable in those first moments. I was breathing heavy and crying and wailing and I broke out in hives. It seems so silly now and Les and I laugh about how naive we were. I had my fit and then got to work.
The biggest anxiety of my life happened just as we were finishing the Dossier. This is what I call The First Miracle Of Finishing. We had spent MONTHS gathering paper work. You know all of those steps for each paper? Well, they have to be mailed out and then mailed back to you. I sent off my last piece to The Chinese Embassy in New York. I waited. I watched for it's return. When I checked the online tracking system, it looked funny, like logged in backwards but I blew this off. The day for it's arrival came and went. The next day I started getting worried. See, if this one paper got lost, we would have to backtrack and do it all over again and that would take weeks and may mean that other INS paperwork could expire and on and on...... I called around. I called the NY postal office. I called the Anchorage office. I eventually got to talk to a lady in the Soldotna office. She was the one that said "honey it's lost" . I lost my mind. That is all there is to say. I was supposed to give her a few minutes to phone "Supervisors" and start a search. I called Leslie, he could not even understand what I was saying. I was so upset that I was just blubbering. I called my Dad. Bless that man. He calmed me down a bit. He told me things would be alright, that I should pray. I prayed. I prayed with a mother's earnest heart. Les arrived, after leaving work thinking I was hurt or something awful. I told him what was happening. He dropped into a chair and just stared and said "what are we ever going to do?" It was time to call the lady in Soldotna back. I called her, she was expecting my call. She had the strangest tone in her voice. She said "your package is here", very quietly. I said "what do you mean? it was lost. LOST!" She said I know, I looked everywhere here for it. EVERYWHERE. Out in the trucks, under the desks, in every bin. I could not find it. I wasn't even sure if it was lost here I mean I could not even track it on our computer system, everything about it was wrong. Then I just looked under my counter in my tray and it was there, right on top. I swear that it hadn't been there and then it was there. Your package is here" I was speechless. I made her verify all of the numbers like three times. I told her to hold it and I would drive and get it. She said "you just stay there, this thing will get to you today, I swear it will" Four and a half hours later, there was a knock on my door and that envelope was handed to me. That is a miracle. I know it. That thing was LOST. Gone, no proof it had ever even made it to New york and then it was there and all fine and Authenticated. That was The First Miracle.
So my work was done. It was time to wait. And wait we did.
My mind was filled with thoughts of my daughter constantly. She was so real to me, but yet, not. It seemed so strange that all of that paperwork would yield a child for us. I just kept telling myself that it would happen. I was so anxious for it to happen, I thought that it would NEVER come. That I would never feel my arms full. My longing was a constant, physical companion.
It was about this time that I had a dream........

Yesterday in the Warmth