Today was Valentine's Day and also the day that we had Brev's fourth birthday party. It was a nice day, filled with good food, fun and family. I really did enjoy the day, it's just that it was off somehow.
No Liam.
He is far away, in another land. So far away that he is already in tomorrow.
I know that he is being cared for but I can't help feel in my heart that he should be here with US and not someone else.
I would have loved to have seen him chowing on cake and helping Brev play with his new Batman stuff. I would have loved to see him toddling about and smiling at us. I would have just loved to have him here, learning us, knowing us and being loved by us.
Every new part of the wait for your child comes up and you think "ok this won't be as bad as that last bit". But it is. Each part gets worse. Time slows, anxieties loom larger and larger, your ability to sustain faith starts to waver, those measly four pictures can only satisfy your hungry mama heart for so long.
You put the paper work in and you wait. You think to yourself " This is bad, real bad. It's so hard to wait with no face, no name, no knowledge"
Then you get a referral and know you know. You see those eyes looking at the camera and waiting and hoping, you can see that something is missing and your Mama Bear Heart kicks in and you have a very physical ache to PROVIDE. So the wait worsens, yes it does.
Then you get an update and even if it has wonderful anxiety relieving information, the wait worsens. Your longing intensifies. You have visible proof of the growing and changing in that child that you are missing, it's just slipping away. First steps, first teeth, first words....all someone else's. You get frantic.
Time lengthens and you have time to start worrying, puzzling, second guessing. You get insanely jealous of the foster family, even though you are eternally and undeniably grateful. Even though you thank God with every breath that they are there, that he is cared for- you are jealous. You swear that time has stopped. It's as if you are isolated with this longing. No one gets it.
Then you get your Travel Info. You pack. You wait again. Now time stops. There is no discernable progression.
We are still wating. Waiting to put the finishing touches on things before China takes over completely and we are left to hear word from them.
I can say that each step gets more and more agonizing. By the time you are standing in a generic room a half a world away and a stranger walks in with your little person- you are ready to RUN and GRAB and NEVER EVER LET GO.
So yes, a little something was missing today. A little piece of my heart.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
So That Was Fun
You may have noticed very little activity on this old blog for a bit. Well, we had a virus issue from hell and just when we were getting nauseous at the thought of purchasing a new computer - voila! My superbly geeky brother in law makes a final effort and helps us! YAY!!!! I am so very, very happy to be back in action. It has been so hard not blogging right now, what with the waiting for the boy, running into and giving a piece of my mind to racist Notaries at the Court House, the many things Ev and Brev have been up to, and ohhh the whining I could have done about the broken computer!
So yeah. Lots of fun to be had here last week. Every single evening my husband sat here hour after hour, tech geek after tech geek, call after call, re-wipe after re-wipe (of the computer's memory you dirty minded folks!) He persisted though. I think that looking at the cost of new machines and realizing that it would go on a card or cut into our Liam Monies, lit the final fire and helped him push through. Thank you honey. I owe you one.
We still have to reload ALL of our favorites, all of our pictures (including the entire Kodak software)
..........
...............
.......................
I was typing the above when our computer booted me off again. Obviously there is now some weird computer miscommunication between our machine and this blogger site. It's a day later and I am at my Mom's house typing this. It seems we have a little work ahead of us at home.
So yeah. Lots of fun to be had here last week. Every single evening my husband sat here hour after hour, tech geek after tech geek, call after call, re-wipe after re-wipe (of the computer's memory you dirty minded folks!) He persisted though. I think that looking at the cost of new machines and realizing that it would go on a card or cut into our Liam Monies, lit the final fire and helped him push through. Thank you honey. I owe you one.
We still have to reload ALL of our favorites, all of our pictures (including the entire Kodak software)
..........
...............
.......................
I was typing the above when our computer booted me off again. Obviously there is now some weird computer miscommunication between our machine and this blogger site. It's a day later and I am at my Mom's house typing this. It seems we have a little work ahead of us at home.
Friday, January 29, 2010
So Many Viruses So Little Time
- Yes another virus or two on The Infernal Machine. This time it seems that we have a root kit virus and I am frantically typing this so I can get it done in between shut downs. Not that this is too aggravating or anything!
- Ev and I went for our H1N1 vaccine over the past weekend so I have spent a couple of days just feeling a bit down and oogey- happens every time. Ev has had no effect what so ever and just chugs along her happy, talkative self.
- We went into downtown Cleveland yesterday for our "biometrics"- fingerprints for our Immigration stuff for Liam. There was a snowstorm blowing right off the lake. I think at one point my brain had actually turned to slush. Les and Ev loved every minute of our 4 block trudge in the elements- me? not so much.
- We found out earlier this week that Liam is in foster care! I am so grateful and relieved. It's a Love Without Boundaries program and my faith in that program can not be shaken so I am over the moon at the care my little guy is getting.
- I had horrible dreams all last night. Unsettling and trying. Let's just say that when Les woke me up extra early for a truck issue that I was glad.
- We got a huge crack in the windshiled of our car.
- Les lost an entire set of car/house keys.
- The truck is sitting dead on the driveway.
So yeah. Trudging along.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Black and White Wednesdays
I decided to join Lisa at Long Road to China for her B&W Wednesdays. Take a look here for an explanation and a look at what everyone else is doing http://thelongroadtochina.blogspot.com/2010/01/black-and-white-wednesday-lady-behind.html .
Today I decided to take some shots of Ev while she was working away at her school work. I could have picked a better day as she was acting the fool for about 30 seconds then going into stubborn mode for about 10 minutes. But I persevered! HA! Take that moody five year old- I CAN be more stubborn than you AND get a few good pictures out of it.(it's the little things in life)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
About A Boy
Jan 4, 2010 Today we got a call from CCAI. I missed it. The message said looking forward to talking with you". So I freaked. I knew the minute that I saw the number on my missed calls list that this was it. I knew it! We had spent the day rearranging furniture and really doing the first bit of REAL home/house planning for the little one.
I have prayed and prayed that God would let me know when it was time to say yes. I specifically prayed that He would somehow let me know that there was no doubt. Well he did because I knew that call was for our baby as soon as I looked at that number.
I just knew in my heart that this was the last night Evelyn would go to bed without a sibling. I knew that in a matter of hours things were going to change.
Jan 5, 2010 Spent the morning being a complete stalker/crazy mama person. Called the person at CCAI about every 20 minutes until I got ahold of her. She was real matter of fact, she said "I know I called you for a reason". Now I had just spent about 12 hours of my life trying to convince myself that this was just going to be about paper work- I just could not be disappointed. But then I was all like "well we are not due for a call until like the end of Feb so this would be HUGE" Ok ok it's just paperwork. I kind of sort of believed that when I heard her back on the line. She said " OK I was wondering if you and your family were ready to be matched with a son"
Then the planet stopped turning.
Les was outside shovelling snow.
Ev was inside watching a Miles Davis concert on Netflix.
I stood there in my kitchen watching the snow fall as I was told about a boy.
She was so excited and happy about this little guy that I could barely get a word in! He was "gold" he was "perfect" "no red flags"!
He was Dang Ao Zhuang and he was 14 mos old. He has a repaired cleft lip and a palate that will need to be fixed once we get him home. He is mischievous and has a temper. He likes bustle. He lets the nannies know what he wants and pesters them if they don't comply.
Well, we said yes.
Of course we did.
Because I knew. I knew it was a boy all along. I knew that this was the call when I looked at my phone.
Then I saw his face.
My what a face. The biggest most liquid eyes, that perfect little set to his mouth and head. A look saying huh, come on if you dare.
Well we dare.
We will travel in June near as I can figure. Too long to wait in my opinion. We want him now.
Jan 6, 2010 Too much to process. We are frantically trying to get our Letter if Intent done while seeing the doctor and fretting over getting the worksheet done that will lock Ao Zhuang in as our own in the computer system.
Ev is handling things with an unexpected grace. We tell her about how she will have to share us, how he will talk funny or not at all, how he will be upset, how long we have to wait to go get him...she takes it all in and just says "well I can share" "we will teach him to talk" "we will just be patient with him Mama and he will see that we are his family" "I will teach him things" " I don't want to wait". What a girl. Her ability to process things and come back at me with absolute love and acceptance is truly astounding.
Jan 9, 2010 We have been trying to process lots of things. These long months that he will wait for us and we for him- this is the hardest. To know that he is there just getting older when he could be here playing and eating and seeing doctors, getting hugs and kisses, meeting Grandma and Grandpa, tussling with Brev, giving Aunt Lissa hell, making Jodi mad with boy fever- that's hard.
He is maybe in the Henan Province where he was born. Maybe he is still in Anhui where he had his surgery. Maybe he is in foster care. I just hope that he is warm and has a full belly and that someone is hugging him.
Jan 10, 2010 Struggles over what to name him. This is getting so ridiculous! It was so easy to name Evelyn. Not so much with this fella. We are trying to find something that he will be able to pronounce, something that we love, that has a good meaning, something that goes with a family name for the middle name. We all stare at his picture all day and all night. I find myself looking at it and talking to him. Ev thinks that I am crazy.
I have his picture next to my bed, and she was hugging me one morning and she said " I know you have that picture here so you can look at it and DREAM about holding him" She said this not in a bitter or jealous way but in a way you would tease someone that has a crush - like the whole thing was so funny.
Jan 11, 2010 One week down. How many more to go? I am even afraid to calculate. We will just take a week at a time, maybe a day at a time. I can not believe how easily my heart has opened and let this boy in. It was seem less. We are still struggling with a name. We have a 48 hour trial going on for one of the names- we'll see.
Jan 13, 2010 Interview today. This means moral dilemma. Tell them about the boy or not? If I tell, chances are I will not get the job. If I don't tell, I will have to tell soon anyway and then that would feel horrible.
Jan 14, 2010 Well. The name is Liam. Liam Wayne Ao Zhuang Dillon. It took us awhile and my sister is still calling him "what's his face" or "nugget" because she thinks that we will change our minds again.
Jan 15, 2010 First purchases for Liam today! He got three pair of plaid shorts with matching monster shirts, two sippy cups (soft rubber spouts) and then several pair of pj's. It was quite fun but surreal buying boy things. I am still in shock over the luck of getting that boy that I so desperately wanted. A boy! A son. Wow. I can not wait to go and get him. I wonder constantly about who he really is- what he likes, how he moves, how he smells, how he sounds. Will he be an easy rider or a complicated little hive like his sister? Will he be a Mama's boy? Will he really and truly like robots?
Ev had her first bit of complete "oh shit this is real and I don't like it" tonight. It's not that she doesn't want him - in fact she desperately does. She just wants him to herself and us to herself and never the twain shall meet! I knew that my biggest fight all along was going to be keeping her at the sister/kid/child level and me being the Mama. She already wants to do every. single. thing. She sat down and MADE money for the trip for heaven's sake! It was purple money with smiley faces in the middle because "i could not draw barack"
Jan 16, 2010 We held our breath all day waiting for the return of Dragon Girl- but Ev remained her pleasant self. I guess watching a theoretical brother get a crap load of stuff at the store tends to send a girlie-o right over the edge.
We rec'd our Home Study Addendum today.
Jan 17, 2010 We realized that once the L-man hits the states, we won't have much time to work on painting the house, so we kicked it into gear today and tackled the painting in the bathroom ( I have only had the primer on and been living with blue painter's tape in there for about 3 mos now). Next up? The entire downstairs!
I am thinking alot about the beginnings of my children. The pain, the loss. I wonder if I am enough to make up for all of that? I am also just gob smacked at remembering things along the way of Liam's adoption and the many signs and encouragements that I had. I am worried about money. I am a mess basically. a good mess- but still a mess.
Jan 18,2010 Ev and I have had the sniffles for a couple of days, she is getting better while I think that I am just beginning the walk down misery lane. We had a fore tonight and we all sat quietly around it. Ev was coloring by the hearth, I was journaling and Les was reading. I couldn't help but wonder what little Liam was up to. If he would come to love these kinds of things with us.
Jan 19, 2010 Liam it is. We rec'd our PA today - only 13 days to get that. This is the thing that China uses to say, yeah we will consider him yours. Cool. Awesome. I can not wait to get the rest of this paper work done and mailed off. I live with a tight ball of anxiety in my chest. I literally have this ache there in my chest all of the time, a dull ache. I want him home. I want him here. I want to see that he is getting fed. I want to see how long it takes for Ev to make him laugh. I want him. I worry all of the time. I have this cadence in my head at all times "get it all done get it all done come on come on he's there he's there come on come on"
I have prayed and prayed that God would let me know when it was time to say yes. I specifically prayed that He would somehow let me know that there was no doubt. Well he did because I knew that call was for our baby as soon as I looked at that number.
I just knew in my heart that this was the last night Evelyn would go to bed without a sibling. I knew that in a matter of hours things were going to change.
Jan 5, 2010 Spent the morning being a complete stalker/crazy mama person. Called the person at CCAI about every 20 minutes until I got ahold of her. She was real matter of fact, she said "I know I called you for a reason". Now I had just spent about 12 hours of my life trying to convince myself that this was just going to be about paper work- I just could not be disappointed. But then I was all like "well we are not due for a call until like the end of Feb so this would be HUGE" Ok ok it's just paperwork. I kind of sort of believed that when I heard her back on the line. She said " OK I was wondering if you and your family were ready to be matched with a son"
Then the planet stopped turning.
Les was outside shovelling snow.
Ev was inside watching a Miles Davis concert on Netflix.
I stood there in my kitchen watching the snow fall as I was told about a boy.
She was so excited and happy about this little guy that I could barely get a word in! He was "gold" he was "perfect" "no red flags"!
He was Dang Ao Zhuang and he was 14 mos old. He has a repaired cleft lip and a palate that will need to be fixed once we get him home. He is mischievous and has a temper. He likes bustle. He lets the nannies know what he wants and pesters them if they don't comply.
Well, we said yes.
Of course we did.
Because I knew. I knew it was a boy all along. I knew that this was the call when I looked at my phone.
Then I saw his face.
My what a face. The biggest most liquid eyes, that perfect little set to his mouth and head. A look saying huh, come on if you dare.
Well we dare.
We will travel in June near as I can figure. Too long to wait in my opinion. We want him now.
Jan 6, 2010 Too much to process. We are frantically trying to get our Letter if Intent done while seeing the doctor and fretting over getting the worksheet done that will lock Ao Zhuang in as our own in the computer system.
Ev is handling things with an unexpected grace. We tell her about how she will have to share us, how he will talk funny or not at all, how he will be upset, how long we have to wait to go get him...she takes it all in and just says "well I can share" "we will teach him to talk" "we will just be patient with him Mama and he will see that we are his family" "I will teach him things" " I don't want to wait". What a girl. Her ability to process things and come back at me with absolute love and acceptance is truly astounding.
Jan 9, 2010 We have been trying to process lots of things. These long months that he will wait for us and we for him- this is the hardest. To know that he is there just getting older when he could be here playing and eating and seeing doctors, getting hugs and kisses, meeting Grandma and Grandpa, tussling with Brev, giving Aunt Lissa hell, making Jodi mad with boy fever- that's hard.
He is maybe in the Henan Province where he was born. Maybe he is still in Anhui where he had his surgery. Maybe he is in foster care. I just hope that he is warm and has a full belly and that someone is hugging him.
Jan 10, 2010 Struggles over what to name him. This is getting so ridiculous! It was so easy to name Evelyn. Not so much with this fella. We are trying to find something that he will be able to pronounce, something that we love, that has a good meaning, something that goes with a family name for the middle name. We all stare at his picture all day and all night. I find myself looking at it and talking to him. Ev thinks that I am crazy.
I have his picture next to my bed, and she was hugging me one morning and she said " I know you have that picture here so you can look at it and DREAM about holding him" She said this not in a bitter or jealous way but in a way you would tease someone that has a crush - like the whole thing was so funny.
Jan 11, 2010 One week down. How many more to go? I am even afraid to calculate. We will just take a week at a time, maybe a day at a time. I can not believe how easily my heart has opened and let this boy in. It was seem less. We are still struggling with a name. We have a 48 hour trial going on for one of the names- we'll see.
Jan 13, 2010 Interview today. This means moral dilemma. Tell them about the boy or not? If I tell, chances are I will not get the job. If I don't tell, I will have to tell soon anyway and then that would feel horrible.
Jan 14, 2010 Well. The name is Liam. Liam Wayne Ao Zhuang Dillon. It took us awhile and my sister is still calling him "what's his face" or "nugget" because she thinks that we will change our minds again.
Jan 15, 2010 First purchases for Liam today! He got three pair of plaid shorts with matching monster shirts, two sippy cups (soft rubber spouts) and then several pair of pj's. It was quite fun but surreal buying boy things. I am still in shock over the luck of getting that boy that I so desperately wanted. A boy! A son. Wow. I can not wait to go and get him. I wonder constantly about who he really is- what he likes, how he moves, how he smells, how he sounds. Will he be an easy rider or a complicated little hive like his sister? Will he be a Mama's boy? Will he really and truly like robots?
Ev had her first bit of complete "oh shit this is real and I don't like it" tonight. It's not that she doesn't want him - in fact she desperately does. She just wants him to herself and us to herself and never the twain shall meet! I knew that my biggest fight all along was going to be keeping her at the sister/kid/child level and me being the Mama. She already wants to do every. single. thing. She sat down and MADE money for the trip for heaven's sake! It was purple money with smiley faces in the middle because "i could not draw barack"
Jan 16, 2010 We held our breath all day waiting for the return of Dragon Girl- but Ev remained her pleasant self. I guess watching a theoretical brother get a crap load of stuff at the store tends to send a girlie-o right over the edge.
We rec'd our Home Study Addendum today.
Jan 17, 2010 We realized that once the L-man hits the states, we won't have much time to work on painting the house, so we kicked it into gear today and tackled the painting in the bathroom ( I have only had the primer on and been living with blue painter's tape in there for about 3 mos now). Next up? The entire downstairs!
I am thinking alot about the beginnings of my children. The pain, the loss. I wonder if I am enough to make up for all of that? I am also just gob smacked at remembering things along the way of Liam's adoption and the many signs and encouragements that I had. I am worried about money. I am a mess basically. a good mess- but still a mess.
Jan 18,2010 Ev and I have had the sniffles for a couple of days, she is getting better while I think that I am just beginning the walk down misery lane. We had a fore tonight and we all sat quietly around it. Ev was coloring by the hearth, I was journaling and Les was reading. I couldn't help but wonder what little Liam was up to. If he would come to love these kinds of things with us.
Jan 19, 2010 Liam it is. We rec'd our PA today - only 13 days to get that. This is the thing that China uses to say, yeah we will consider him yours. Cool. Awesome. I can not wait to get the rest of this paper work done and mailed off. I live with a tight ball of anxiety in my chest. I literally have this ache there in my chest all of the time, a dull ache. I want him home. I want him here. I want to see that he is getting fed. I want to see how long it takes for Ev to make him laugh. I want him. I worry all of the time. I have this cadence in my head at all times "get it all done get it all done come on come on he's there he's there come on come on"
January 5 was a great day
For that was the day that I got the second of the most important phone calls ever.
D at CCAI asked me if my family was ready to be matched with a little boy, then I lost my mind. I sort of sputtered and spewed and gasped and I am kind of sure that I said yes to him even before I talked with Les, or saw his picture or anything. I just knew that it was time, this was him, our boy.
My son.
He is Dang Ao Zhuang. he was born Oct 28, 2008 so that makes him about 14 mos old. He is currently residing in the Hebi City SWI in Henan Province. He has had his cleft lip repaired and we will have to see him through the process of getting his palate corrected when we get him home. Right now we are looking at travelling to China around June to bring him home but we are doing every thing humanly possible to make that happen faster. We have been waiting for the Pre-approval from China so we could tell the world- we got that today.
To us he will be Liam Wayne Ao Zhuang. To us he will be the completion of our family. Hopefull to him we will be all that he needs.
D at CCAI asked me if my family was ready to be matched with a little boy, then I lost my mind. I sort of sputtered and spewed and gasped and I am kind of sure that I said yes to him even before I talked with Les, or saw his picture or anything. I just knew that it was time, this was him, our boy.
My son.
He is Dang Ao Zhuang. he was born Oct 28, 2008 so that makes him about 14 mos old. He is currently residing in the Hebi City SWI in Henan Province. He has had his cleft lip repaired and we will have to see him through the process of getting his palate corrected when we get him home. Right now we are looking at travelling to China around June to bring him home but we are doing every thing humanly possible to make that happen faster. We have been waiting for the Pre-approval from China so we could tell the world- we got that today.
To us he will be Liam Wayne Ao Zhuang. To us he will be the completion of our family. Hopefull to him we will be all that he needs.
To say that we are happy is a gross understatement.
A SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gung Fu
Ev's new favorite movie is Forbidden Kingdom. It has Jackie Chan, Jet Li, The Monkey King, chics that are witches and chics that are good at Gung Fu, beautiful scenes of rural China. What's not to love? Actually this is one that we don't mind watching over and over with her- it is quite good.
She has been mad for Gung Fu lately because of it. She takes her swords and shuts her door and practices her stances and strikes in front of her mirror. She uses her art easle as a training dummy and punches it repeatedly. She jumps and has different stances for the different styles. She loves the character Sparrow and will quote Sparrow's lines as she is fighting her Papa. Papa by the way, says that she is getting so good that he actually has to pay attention and dodge or block her strikes for real- lest he suffer a blow in his "man region".
I tell him that he should just help her with her fairy mosaics then he wouldn't have to worry and I wouldn't be looking for a Gung Fu class for her.
Neither one of them think that making sticker mosaics is as fun as beating each other up with foam swords. I wonder why?
She has been mad for Gung Fu lately because of it. She takes her swords and shuts her door and practices her stances and strikes in front of her mirror. She uses her art easle as a training dummy and punches it repeatedly. She jumps and has different stances for the different styles. She loves the character Sparrow and will quote Sparrow's lines as she is fighting her Papa. Papa by the way, says that she is getting so good that he actually has to pay attention and dodge or block her strikes for real- lest he suffer a blow in his "man region".
I tell him that he should just help her with her fairy mosaics then he wouldn't have to worry and I wouldn't be looking for a Gung Fu class for her.
Neither one of them think that making sticker mosaics is as fun as beating each other up with foam swords. I wonder why?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)