Missing

Today was Valentine's Day and also the day that we had Brev's fourth birthday party. It was a nice day, filled with good food, fun and family. I really did enjoy the day, it's just that it was off somehow.
No Liam.
He is far away, in another land. So far away that he is already in tomorrow.
I know that he is being cared for but I can't help feel in my heart that he should be here with US and not someone else.
I would have loved to have seen him chowing on cake and helping Brev play with his new Batman stuff. I would have loved to see him toddling about and smiling at us. I would have just loved to have him here, learning us, knowing us and being loved by us.

Every new part of the wait for your child comes up and you think "ok this won't be as bad as that last bit". But it is. Each part gets worse. Time slows, anxieties loom larger and larger, your ability to sustain faith starts to waver, those measly four pictures can only satisfy your hungry mama heart for so long.
You put the paper work in and you wait. You think to yourself " This is bad, real bad. It's so hard to wait with no face, no name, no knowledge"
Then you get a referral and know you know. You see those eyes looking at the camera and waiting and hoping, you can see that something is missing and your Mama Bear Heart kicks in and you have a very physical ache to PROVIDE. So the wait worsens, yes it does.
Then you get an update and even if it has wonderful anxiety relieving information, the wait worsens. Your longing intensifies. You have visible proof of the growing and changing in that child that you are missing, it's just slipping away. First steps, first teeth, first words....all someone else's. You get frantic.
Time lengthens and you have time to start worrying, puzzling, second guessing. You get insanely jealous of the foster family, even though you are eternally and undeniably grateful. Even though you thank God with every breath that they are there, that he is cared for- you are jealous. You swear that time has stopped. It's as if you are isolated with this longing. No one gets it.
Then you get your Travel Info. You pack. You wait again. Now time stops. There is no discernable progression.
We are still wating. Waiting to put the finishing touches on things before China takes over completely and we are left to hear word from them.
I can say that each step gets more and more agonizing. By the time you are standing in a generic room a half a world away and a stranger walks in with your little person- you are ready to RUN and GRAB and NEVER EVER LET GO.

So yes, a little something was missing today. A little piece of my heart.