Liam did well today. The Doc was running late due to a complicatin in the previous case so, our 12:15 start was pushed back to 3:45. Once things started rolling I was ok, Liam has been a trooper all day.
He is swollen now and a bit bloody but ok. He is mad at all of the medical stuff and rolls about complaining before he goes back to sleep a bit.
Today was hard but necessary. Today was the first big step into speech.
Today I learned how awful it can be on the other side of the Nurse's Station.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Some Days
Some days are easier than others. Some days explode into your head and leave you laying stunned and confused. Some days sneak up on you leaving you with a sense of wonder at the sheer beauty of them.
Some days start rough an end sweet. Some days start easy and end badly.
Some days, you spend the morning playing with your son, knowing that your daughter is off having a rare day with her Grandpa.
Some days, every little thing seems just right and almost too good to bear.
Some days, you wait anxiously for your husband of 16 years to walk in from work just so you can kiss him hello and feel his stubble against your cheek and smell the lake on him and know that in any given day, he is there, right there with you.
Some days I think we might actually make it.
Some days start rough an end sweet. Some days start easy and end badly.
Some days, you spend the morning playing with your son, knowing that your daughter is off having a rare day with her Grandpa.
Some days, every little thing seems just right and almost too good to bear.
Some days, you wait anxiously for your husband of 16 years to walk in from work just so you can kiss him hello and feel his stubble against your cheek and smell the lake on him and know that in any given day, he is there, right there with you.
Some days I think we might actually make it.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Weekend
Yesterday we performed a monumental feat that included getting us all fed and out of the house before noon. We headed out to the zoo and it was just the perfect day for it. Evelyn loves the zoo, I know all kids love the zoo but she REALLY loves the zoo. Liam was more interested in non-animal things but he did notice the seals and let out a giggle when a wolf trotted by.The evening was finished out by a rare but wierdly tasty meal from the Golden Arches. Mama left and went out to a grown up party while Liam went to bed and Ev and Papa had a little fire in the back.
Today we lazied about until Liam was nearing panic levels of "oh my where is breakfast anyway" and now we are waiting for Papa to have a batch of fresh and piping hot pancakes ready. Then we will play outside and wait for The Grandparents to arrive for a visit.
All in all a pretty good time.
Some pics from the zoo:
Today we lazied about until Liam was nearing panic levels of "oh my where is breakfast anyway" and now we are waiting for Papa to have a batch of fresh and piping hot pancakes ready. Then we will play outside and wait for The Grandparents to arrive for a visit.
All in all a pretty good time.
Some pics from the zoo:
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Six Days
I am frightened and nervous. I wish that we could opt out of this but, we can't, it's why he's here after all. He's here for us to take care of him and love him and make sure that he can get a solid foothold into this world and a start, on what I am sure, will be a bright future. Please don't waste time on my nerves, just pray for this little guy.
Liam has been through so much already and all of it on his own. This time we will be there, fretting and worrying and fighting for him. We will be there loving him. He has us and we have him. We will do this and he will come out of it as ready to talk as we can get him.
This surgery is a big scary thing but it is needed and it is a good thing.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Baby Steps
Amidst all of the raging storms in my life right now, I have, surprisingly found a bit of peace and acceptance. For the first time in my life, I have a clear picture of how detrimental my constant worrying can be, not just to me, but, to everyone around me (think four mile radius).
So I let go. I prayed, not for these issues to be magically resolved. I prayed that I would be able to let go of the bad stuff, and hold on to what was good and precious. I prayed that I would find the strength to turn a corner. I waited and I listened and for the first time in 16 years, I let myself hear God in my husband's words.
This hasn't been easy for me. In fact, for the first 24 hours, it was a constant struggle to turn off the worry, to stop carrying the stress of outside forces into the intimate workings of our family. I have been given gentle reminders along the way. I have realized that not all things can be fixed in the blink of an eye.
The stress is still there, throbbing underneath but, I am managing it. Maybe I will get better at this as the days go on.
That's all that I am expecting of myself right now, baby steps. It feels ok.
So I let go. I prayed, not for these issues to be magically resolved. I prayed that I would be able to let go of the bad stuff, and hold on to what was good and precious. I prayed that I would find the strength to turn a corner. I waited and I listened and for the first time in 16 years, I let myself hear God in my husband's words.
This hasn't been easy for me. In fact, for the first 24 hours, it was a constant struggle to turn off the worry, to stop carrying the stress of outside forces into the intimate workings of our family. I have been given gentle reminders along the way. I have realized that not all things can be fixed in the blink of an eye.
The stress is still there, throbbing underneath but, I am managing it. Maybe I will get better at this as the days go on.
That's all that I am expecting of myself right now, baby steps. It feels ok.
Monday, October 4, 2010
REAL Adoption
Last week Ev and I headed out for a good, old fashioned Girl's Day Out. Part of what we did was seeing a movie at the dollar theater. We saw Despicable Me and, while it was completely enjoyable on many levels, it was touch and go there for a bit.
There is an adoption theme in the movie and it makes me wonder, when can people get this right?
Has anyone else seen this movie?
I don't think I am being too sensitive here. There were just things that I did not like and then, all of the sudden I was able to understand how wrong adoption can be, if we, as adoptive parents aren't careful.
There were these 3 sisters in the movie and they were "orphans" and they lived in a girls' home. They were forced to walk the streets selling cookies to earn their keep. When the one girl showed her quirky personality, the house mother said, " you know that no one will ever adopt you right?". Then the main character decides to adopt the girls so he can use them to further his evil plan, he needs them for his own selfish reasons and just picks them up. When he is done with them, even though he is starting to feel for them, he gives them back, he un- adopts them. They are heart broken and return to the girl's home where they are expected to re-assume their life there. But wait! Now he misses them and goes to get them back and ultimately has to save them from his nemesis. The movie ends with the main character kissing the girls's good night for the first time.
I understand why this movie was written the way it was. There was a plot they had to get through and they just did it in the easiest way possible. There was never any mention of the birth parents or their fate or why these girls are on their own. The girls were picked up, returned, at everyone else's whim. It was truly an awful presentation on adoption.
I worried the whole movie about what Ev was thinking. I didn't want to get up and leave for fear of turning it into this huge issue. After the movie I tried in a gentle way to talk to Ev about it. We talked about the funny things, the yellow dudes, the moon shrinkage. Eventually I said " I did enjoy the movie but I wish they had done a better job talking about adoption" Ev replied "Oh like when he gave the girls back?" I told her yes, that was mostly the thing I was talking about. Her response was " Mama it's just a movie, and not even a REAL movie, just a silly movie about silly things, it's not like they were talking about REAL adoption."
And then we went on with the day, I let it go because she could. I realized we must be getting something right. Or she is.
There is an adoption theme in the movie and it makes me wonder, when can people get this right?
Has anyone else seen this movie?
I don't think I am being too sensitive here. There were just things that I did not like and then, all of the sudden I was able to understand how wrong adoption can be, if we, as adoptive parents aren't careful.
There were these 3 sisters in the movie and they were "orphans" and they lived in a girls' home. They were forced to walk the streets selling cookies to earn their keep. When the one girl showed her quirky personality, the house mother said, " you know that no one will ever adopt you right?". Then the main character decides to adopt the girls so he can use them to further his evil plan, he needs them for his own selfish reasons and just picks them up. When he is done with them, even though he is starting to feel for them, he gives them back, he un- adopts them. They are heart broken and return to the girl's home where they are expected to re-assume their life there. But wait! Now he misses them and goes to get them back and ultimately has to save them from his nemesis. The movie ends with the main character kissing the girls's good night for the first time.
I understand why this movie was written the way it was. There was a plot they had to get through and they just did it in the easiest way possible. There was never any mention of the birth parents or their fate or why these girls are on their own. The girls were picked up, returned, at everyone else's whim. It was truly an awful presentation on adoption.
I worried the whole movie about what Ev was thinking. I didn't want to get up and leave for fear of turning it into this huge issue. After the movie I tried in a gentle way to talk to Ev about it. We talked about the funny things, the yellow dudes, the moon shrinkage. Eventually I said " I did enjoy the movie but I wish they had done a better job talking about adoption" Ev replied "Oh like when he gave the girls back?" I told her yes, that was mostly the thing I was talking about. Her response was " Mama it's just a movie, and not even a REAL movie, just a silly movie about silly things, it's not like they were talking about REAL adoption."
And then we went on with the day, I let it go because she could. I realized we must be getting something right. Or she is.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Nuclear Reactiveness
Have you ever had one of those days that you wish you could just erase from the books? I am not even remotely interested in a do-over as I am pretty sure it would all shake out the same way.
I am basically running on fumes here. Not much left over emotionally to help me handle things with a level head, no room to try and phrase things nicely and intelligently. What this means is that I have resorted to my old ways, essentially being a totally reactive, high strung, psycho.
You can deduce further, that alot of this has to do with my particular flavor of Mothering today. Oh and how I acted so abrasive that I am pretty sure our Insurance Company permanently flagged our account, as in " Do not help this crazy person, she cusses alot and will tear you a new one at the slightest provocation."
Sigh.
Really I am saying all of this to say that I have found myself in a pretty rocky place with Ev. She has alot going on anyway and to have her Sane and Loving Mother replaced with this Waspish Nightmare is maybe the worst of it all. We have been facing some pretty serious behavioral issues with her and it has taken its toll. I have tried to be patient and understanding but I only have so many reserves and those have been chewed through.
Today was another bad day at homeschooling, one in a long line of them. Outright rebellion and refusal to do the simplest thing. It's even worse because she will turn on a dime, all lightness and air one minute and the next she is granite and malfeasance. My daughter is sweet as pie usually but she can truly be bratty when she feels the need.
I know that this is all normal and it's a stage. I am just saying, holy mackerel, it was a tough day--made worse by my lack of a cool head under fire.
Tonight she has turned on the juice. You see, she has lost a total of 7 days of privilege and it's killing her. She gets no video games, early bedtimes, no special treats and no movies. Does that sound harsh? Believe me she lost it all, one item and one day at a time. It was awful.
I feel awful.
She knows I feel awful, so she began the Psych Warfare this evening.
"Mama do you feel bad?"
"Mama don't you want to change it to maybe 5 days?"
"America is stupid"
"I will only read Hop on Pop and Green Eggs and Ham. My whole life."
"Every day of my life until I am a teenager is going to be awful."
"This is ridiculous; someone should know about this."
"Did you mean those chocolate chip cookies we just baked?"
Right before bedtime, she ran upstairs all full of glee and came back down all breathless and whispery. It seems that she wanted me to know that she had put out 2 bedtime surprises for her Papa but not for me, as her anger thermos was "spilling out". Things got worse when Les wouldn't let her get away with that, he stuck up for me and told her that when she treats one of us bad, she treats us both bad.
Let me just say that bedtime this evening for her was less than fun.
The flash point today was when I TOLD her that we were going to read a certain book for her reading, she was not included in the decision, so she lost her mind. This girl's need to control things around her is almost suffocating at times.
Maybe tomorrow we can get it better.
I am trying--we all are trying--but these are truly the hardest days that I have ever lived. I am grasping so desperately for that new normal, for the version of myself that I like the most, but it all just seems so out of reach right now.
I am basically running on fumes here. Not much left over emotionally to help me handle things with a level head, no room to try and phrase things nicely and intelligently. What this means is that I have resorted to my old ways, essentially being a totally reactive, high strung, psycho.
You can deduce further, that alot of this has to do with my particular flavor of Mothering today. Oh and how I acted so abrasive that I am pretty sure our Insurance Company permanently flagged our account, as in " Do not help this crazy person, she cusses alot and will tear you a new one at the slightest provocation."
Sigh.
Really I am saying all of this to say that I have found myself in a pretty rocky place with Ev. She has alot going on anyway and to have her Sane and Loving Mother replaced with this Waspish Nightmare is maybe the worst of it all. We have been facing some pretty serious behavioral issues with her and it has taken its toll. I have tried to be patient and understanding but I only have so many reserves and those have been chewed through.
Today was another bad day at homeschooling, one in a long line of them. Outright rebellion and refusal to do the simplest thing. It's even worse because she will turn on a dime, all lightness and air one minute and the next she is granite and malfeasance. My daughter is sweet as pie usually but she can truly be bratty when she feels the need.
I know that this is all normal and it's a stage. I am just saying, holy mackerel, it was a tough day--made worse by my lack of a cool head under fire.
Tonight she has turned on the juice. You see, she has lost a total of 7 days of privilege and it's killing her. She gets no video games, early bedtimes, no special treats and no movies. Does that sound harsh? Believe me she lost it all, one item and one day at a time. It was awful.
I feel awful.
She knows I feel awful, so she began the Psych Warfare this evening.
"Mama do you feel bad?"
"Mama don't you want to change it to maybe 5 days?"
"America is stupid"
"I will only read Hop on Pop and Green Eggs and Ham. My whole life."
"Every day of my life until I am a teenager is going to be awful."
"This is ridiculous; someone should know about this."
"Did you mean those chocolate chip cookies we just baked?"
Right before bedtime, she ran upstairs all full of glee and came back down all breathless and whispery. It seems that she wanted me to know that she had put out 2 bedtime surprises for her Papa but not for me, as her anger thermos was "spilling out". Things got worse when Les wouldn't let her get away with that, he stuck up for me and told her that when she treats one of us bad, she treats us both bad.
Let me just say that bedtime this evening for her was less than fun.
The flash point today was when I TOLD her that we were going to read a certain book for her reading, she was not included in the decision, so she lost her mind. This girl's need to control things around her is almost suffocating at times.
Maybe tomorrow we can get it better.
I am trying--we all are trying--but these are truly the hardest days that I have ever lived. I am grasping so desperately for that new normal, for the version of myself that I like the most, but it all just seems so out of reach right now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)