Have you ever had one of those days that you wish you could just erase from the books? I am not even remotely interested in a do-over as I am pretty sure it would all shake out the same way.
I am basically running on fumes here. Not much left over emotionally to help me handle things with a level head, no room to try and phrase things nicely and intelligently. What this means is that I have resorted to my old ways, essentially being a totally reactive, high strung, psycho.
You can deduce further, that alot of this has to do with my particular flavor of Mothering today. Oh and how I acted so abrasive that I am pretty sure our Insurance Company permanently flagged our account, as in " Do not help this crazy person, she cusses alot and will tear you a new one at the slightest provocation."
Sigh.
Really I am saying all of this to say that I have found myself in a pretty rocky place with Ev. She has alot going on anyway and to have her Sane and Loving Mother replaced with this Waspish Nightmare is maybe the worst of it all. We have been facing some pretty serious behavioral issues with her and it has taken its toll. I have tried to be patient and understanding but I only have so many reserves and those have been chewed through.
Today was another bad day at homeschooling, one in a long line of them. Outright rebellion and refusal to do the simplest thing. It's even worse because she will turn on a dime, all lightness and air one minute and the next she is granite and malfeasance. My daughter is sweet as pie usually but she can truly be bratty when she feels the need.
I know that this is all normal and it's a stage. I am just saying, holy mackerel, it was a tough day--made worse by my lack of a cool head under fire.
Tonight she has turned on the juice. You see, she has lost a total of 7 days of privilege and it's killing her. She gets no video games, early bedtimes, no special treats and no movies. Does that sound harsh? Believe me she lost it all, one item and one day at a time. It was awful.
I feel awful.
She knows I feel awful, so she began the Psych Warfare this evening.
"Mama do you feel bad?"
"Mama don't you want to change it to maybe 5 days?"
"America is stupid"
"I will only read Hop on Pop and Green Eggs and Ham. My whole life."
"Every day of my life until I am a teenager is going to be awful."
"This is ridiculous; someone should know about this."
"Did you mean those chocolate chip cookies we just baked?"
Right before bedtime, she ran upstairs all full of glee and came back down all breathless and whispery. It seems that she wanted me to know that she had put out 2 bedtime surprises for her Papa but not for me, as her anger thermos was "spilling out". Things got worse when Les wouldn't let her get away with that, he stuck up for me and told her that when she treats one of us bad, she treats us both bad.
Let me just say that bedtime this evening for her was less than fun.
The flash point today was when I TOLD her that we were going to read a certain book for her reading, she was not included in the decision, so she lost her mind. This girl's need to control things around her is almost suffocating at times.
Maybe tomorrow we can get it better.
I am trying--we all are trying--but these are truly the hardest days that I have ever lived. I am grasping so desperately for that new normal, for the version of myself that I like the most, but it all just seems so out of reach right now.
6 comments:
I would put her in school - give yourself a break. She would HAVE to learn to be patient, share, be respectful and she would be socialized. You don't need this while trying to make Liam comfortable with his new life.
Brenda,
Trust me, this option has been discussed. I think that part of the issue is that she felt like "being sent to school" was hanging over her head. I would have no problem sending her to school if I thought the issue was only her, but this whole family is all whacky and I am not sure that sending her out of the home would solve the issue. I feel that we have a many sided problem here; typical 6 year old issues made worse by the new brother, further worsened by our mishandling of the situation for a few days, then complicated even more by her residual issues from HER beginnings ( thus her need to be in control). I am hoping that these are things we can all work out together and end up stronger in the end. Sometimes I just have to talk about what is happening and where we are-even if it's not that pretty.
Believe me I have had many fantasies involving Ev walking into a class room but I have learned that when she acts this bad it is speaking to a deep fear and pain- that's why I feel so bad about not getting it all right when it all started unraveling. I am trying to cut us all some slack.
This issue is far from resolved and I am not sure where these next days and weeks may lead us, she may end up in school but I don't want to give up on her so easily.
do you think this might have more to do with the emotional upheaval of becoming a big sister? maybe she's just not able to verbalize that and is fighting for that sense of control because inside she feels a bit scared, or mixed up? just grasping at straws as you know your kids... but i wondered.
i'm sorry it's been so tough lately. i hope things start to smooth out. if it makes you feel any better, i cussed out the catheter company who failed to send her shipment and ended with:
"YOU REALIZE SHE COULD DIE??? THAT SHE CANNOT VOID AT ALL ON HER OWN???" bet i made THAT person feel like a million bucks.
catheters came 2 days later.
kitchu,
You amaze me as always, that is exactly what the issue is. I am sure of it. We are trying our darndest to help her through this, well, I mean now that we have removed ourselves from the place of primary concern.You know we (my husband and I) are continually amazed that we just can't get to that sweet spot in life, that point where it's all going great and perfect and that's the way it will be forever. Life is work, or more precisely, as they say in The Princess bride, "Life is pain Highness, anyone who tells you different is trying to sell something". This is not to say that I believe in a joyless life, the joy is there, but so are the struggles. It's a balance and it's ok. That is my most recent lesson, it's ok that we are all struggling.
I just had to chuckle about YOU yelling at the catheter company. Thank goodness I am not alone!
oh Michal...I am so sorry you guys are struggling but I honestly think these are just the growing pains of bringing a new brother home. She sounds like a very smart little girl who is a bit of a manipulator (hmmm...sounds like a certain little girl who lives under my roof). I just tell myself that these skills will probably serve her very well in life, but man...she's sucking the life out of me in the process. I try to console myself by believing that she will be a highly successful CEO someday and take very good care of her insane mother and father by puting us in the best psych ward money can buy. lol Don't feel bad for losing it from time to time. I was having a particularly hard time with Vi the other day and when Kevin called home to see how our day was going I told him that "His daughter" which of course is how I refer to her when she's being a pistol, was being a bitch. Who calls their 2 1/2 year old kid a bitch? LOL Hang in there sister.
Not that I have any experience here... but it sounds like she's just settling in to having a sibling. It's hard when you've been the center of the world for so long and then have to share the spotlight...especially with a brother who has needs that require so much from mom and dad right now (meaning medical stuff, attachment stuff, language stuff, etc).
Remember...you haven't been home long. It all just takes time.
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