Tucked In

Not too much exciting going on here. We are all tucked in from the snow and cold. Making cookies, lasagna and sugar plums. Our tree glows happily in the evenings as we sit around and read stories and munch on all of the cookies we baked during the day. Shopping is done. Presents are wrapped. It's just time to sit back and enjoy the holiday.

I have things on my mind that eventually I want to write about.

I have some things on my plate that I am hoping will come to fruition (not a baby- not yet).

I have moments that I want to live and store up in my heart this Christmas.

I have just a few more Christmases with Ev like this, bright eyed with wonder, full of belief, giggly and so full of excitement for the season that she can hardly sleep at night. I could just about eat her up with a spoon.

So the blogging may slow down a bit, so I can savor these moments and just be. Just. Be. With. My. Family.

Movie Review- Ponyo

Last night we took The Bean out to see a movie- at the dollar theater. I thought that we would try Ponyo. Leslie and I are huge fans of Studio Gibli and Miyazaki so I knew that one way or another this would be a success. If you have never watched one of these films, like Kiki's Delivery Service, My Neighbor Totoro, Spirited Away- and you have kids- you really should. Miyazaki makes these crazy little Japanamation movies that are sublimely strange and iridescent and full of these odd characters and moments. I just love them but they are not your Disney or Pixar fare- you have to just go along with the story and the very Japanese feel of these.

I was expecting a wacky little film about a fish falling in love. What we got was a quirky little story about family and love and choosing to be there for the people in your life. Full of Miyazaki's general weirdness (good weird not bad weird) and terrific animation. The movie starts out with this man (looks like a witch at first but turns out to be a wizard) under the sea in a very Jules Verne-ian like submarine sort of communing with the sea. Then we see Ponyo, a little girl goldfish with a quasi human face. Ponyo falls asleep on top of a jelly fish and floats up out of her Father's realm. She ends up in a coastal town, trapped in a glass jar that is part of the pollution the humans have created. She is saved by a boy.

It's the boy who names her Ponyo and he takes care of her and loves her - until her Father takes her back to the deep ocean. Ponyo loves the boy and wants to be human. This is where you find out that she is magic and has a Goddess for a Mother. Ponyo causes a bit of magical mayhem and turns herself into a little girl and runs away on the backs of huge ocean fish to be with the boy. Eventually the children are tested to see if they want to be together and the boy's mother, reaches up to the Goddess and promises to take care of Ponyo.

This was a wonderful movie- filled with very real and loving family moments. There was some translation issues with it though, it was advertised as a sort of "love story" and it was that but not love love- family love. Ponyo just wants to be with this family, she wants to be like them, experience her life with them. They all choose each other. There is the scene when they have to choose each other and the boy says "oh yes I know it's a big responsibility but I love her and I will help take care of her"

I try not to make every thing we experience about adoption. But it was sort of hard to ignore the implications in this movie. I loved that Ponyo made the choice. I love that there was a promise between the two Mothers. I loved that the boy always recognized the similarity in himself and that crazy little fish. I loved that these things were there but not shoved down your throat. Most of all I loved that Ev loved it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bskgNOXbdiE

Dirty Crooked Holiday Retreat

http://moreofus.shutterfly.com/

That link above is what you want to click on if you want to go take a look at the 144 unedited pictures from our big family Christmas trip.
Last Friday the three of us packed up and went to Grandma's house. There we started cooking for the weekend, almost got a baby (see previous post), decorated Grandma's Christmas tree, watched Polar Express and went to bed.
Saturday we all got up, showered and actually made it out of town before noon! We drove the 2 hours or so from my Mom's to Hocking Hills. We checked into our cabin which happened to be sitting on a hill and crooked. No really! Everything in that house was on a slant. If you set your drink on the kitchen table? You could plainly see that the liquid was not level- AND each room slanted different. Also we had to (hum hum) clean a bit. We sort of all decided to just go with it and not let it bother us and we had plenty of laughs about it. We ended up preferring our dirty slanty cabin to any of those "straight clean no personality things". Saturday evening we headed out to town only to discover that the Itarnets had lied. yes good people the Internet lies! Did you know this? We were promised "a quaint Christmas Village with shops and restaurants and ice skating" --- let's just say that was not the reality. Eventually we found a sandwich counter in a boot store - no that it not a joke. Sadly as this was the only eating establishment in town and there were only 3 employees who did not seem to grasp that we had a meeting with The Man In Red- we NEVER got our food. I hurriedly bought 2 small bags of chips and a muffin as Ev and Brev were nearly weeping with hunger (as were the rest of us).
We made the train though. Hungry or not. The kids went to the Depot to inquire if there were tickets for them and , so you know that Santa himself had left tickets for them!!!!! We piled onto the train where the kids inhaled the chips while the adults tried not to wrestle the damn things away form them and eat them in one big inhale.
Then the fun started Christmas music, audio excerpts form the movie. The train had a Hobo and there was hot chocolate and cookies and then , oh then there was Santa!!!! OH also each kiddo got a jingle bell that only rang for those of us who believe in Santa.
Brevin climbed right the hell up onto Santa's lap and he had a list ! He sat up there jabbering away. Evelyn? She did let me stand close to Santa and i had to deliver a carefully crafted message for him form her - but she did give him a high five.
Sunday we stayed at the cabin and ate and played games.
Monday we took a hike and came home.
Nothing earth shattering but, my what fun.
I realized that I am very lucky as I genuinely like and enjoy my family. They are funny and nice and take dirty crooked cabins with a grain of salt.
Some of my favorite moments:

The look on Ev's face when she realized that Santa left tickets and she was getting on that train.
Brevin saying "I believe I believe I believe in Santa Claus" to the jingle bell guy.
Brevin loosing his mind and wanting to touch the Hobo but not daring to.
When my Mom slapped the ess haitch eye tee outta my Dad for a girlie joke.
Hearing Evelyn all giggly and excited over sleeping in a loft.
Walking with my Mom through the woods- just the two of us.
Trying to come up with secret foot signals with my sister so SOMEBODY could beat Les at Clue (he won).
Actually having my Dad at the table playing games with us all.
Just having that exact daughter, that specific husband and those very folks as my family to be with on such a fun trip.

I said all that to say this.....

Ok. I do have a post about our big trip to hocking Hills. It's coming. I am currently uploading the gajillion pictures, in the mean time, let's talk about something else.
Anybody want to read/hear about my latest in a string of what I like to call "Signs From God that We Are Supposed to Adopt and Everything Will BE Alright So Just Combo #27 Your Heart Out" ?? Huh. Anyone?
Well, then.
Almost a week and a half ago I was looking at the list of Waiting Children on my agency's website, even though I swore to Leslie that I would not look anymore, because it was stressful and made me shaky with nerves and desire. ( Surprise! I lied. I look. All. Of. The. Time.) And also I made that promise and tried to carry through because I KNOW that The Big G has it all under control. But well, I am an interfering biznatch what can I say? I make no excuses for myself. There I was a week and half ago, secretly looking at babies. And I saw a face. A boy. A young boy. With a need that we can handle. And I kind of fell in love. But this is not news. Just look at the Love Without Boundaries Blog- I fall in love at every entry. Except that I could not forget this guy. I knew that we are nowhere near where we need to be financially, so I did not say anything to Les. Then I couldn't help myself. I told him (he was not surprised to hear that I had been baby cruising - apparently he knew all along) and we looked.
Then we talked. Then I freaked out. I wanted this boy. Les said "let's throw out hat in the ring and see what happens" This is where I moaned about money and stresses and made an ass outta myself (happens all of the time) . Les said , we will do what it takes. We could get him home, it's not the perfect plan but it will get him here.
So we called.
Only to be told that that little boy was matched with his family not 48 hours prior.
I was devastated.
I was depressed.
I knew though ultimately that if he was ours, then we would get him. If not, we would not be able to bring him home and that our baby was still out there. Somewhere. So I soldiered on.
All of this happened on Friday. Right as we were at my Mom's house getting ready for the big weekend.
We went on the trip. I was ok. I was "moving on" I was only sad for me and not the baby, I knew he had his family.
Then on Saturday night I saw a family. I saw a tiny Chinese girl in her Papa'a arms. She was little and had a repaired cleft lip. She was an angel. I kept staring and staring at them until they thought I was nuts. Finally, I hurled Ev towards then and said "Oh! Congratulations!" Then we talked for a bit. Those parents said things to me that I needed to hear. Right then and there. Because I wasn't doing as well as I thought. Then I got to kiss Little Miss M's sweet, rosy cheek.
I needed to see that family. I needed to hear what they had to say. They were generous with their time and with their story.
I said all of that to say this "See? God knows. He is here with me. He is guiding me. He knows when I need a little sign or a push." Mostly though He knows where my child is.
You know what? I know that when I take my baby in my arms for the first time, I will feel the echo of Miss M's cheek on my lips. It was my lucky kiss.

Combo #27

The following is an e-mail tht I sent to Les while he was at work, oh about a week or two ago. It's where I am. It's what's happening in my heart and head.




Leslie,
I have been thinking this morning and most of last night as I lay in bed. I am tired of being the "delayed gratification so I don't feel excitement" person. As a military wife and a mother who has to go thru an International Adoption ot bring her babies home, I am quite used to sitting around just waiting. I have learned how to turn almost everything off and live for the day or the minute that I am in and not think about how long I have until I see you again or how long I have until I will hold my baby. While in Alaska I exhausted myself, literally emotionally exhausted myself. It seems like I was always waiting for you to come home, and that was while I was waiting for Ev. It was hard. I got to the point where I just sort of closed off during waits. Now it is what I do.
And not just for huge life changing things- all things. Like this trip to Hocking Hills? I was so excited the day I was planning it and then "click" I turn it off. Go numb and wait. It's scary- I can even make the appropriate noises and expressions but it's all fake. Nothing is there until the moment we are "doing".
Last night I realized that the scene in The Office bothered me , not for what I was thinking at first. It was that they let themselves be blissfully happy and unaware. I never let myself do that. I do have all of that joy flood in at the call and at the hand over, that's true. But then I have to dive right into making travel arrangements and then taking care of the little bugger. I have never allowed myself those moments of joy, when you can just sit back and be in love with the idea. It's me. I do this to myself!
I have moved thru the miracles that lead us to this child and this place right now with this whole web of worry and doubt over my head and heart. I have not really enjoyed the idea, the timing, the hope, the excitement. I am too afraid. I am just surviving. But it's not good enough any more. I AM excited for this little guy. I DO want him home so bad that I shake. I just push it away and worry about the SN thing, the meds, the surgeries, the fear.
Well, I am tired of it. What will all of that worrying get me? Grief- plain and simple. I get mad because I don't want people to be NOT HAPPY for us, but I never show the joy myself. I never pull people along on my tide of joy. Like with Chris and Kathryn? I just launch right in to the SN and the problems that the baby might have and then tack on a hurried "oh but we are happy at the end". I am done. I do not care what people think. I do not care if I exhaust myself again.
I am going to let myself be happy and enjoy the feeling of a baby coming. All of those other things will take care of themselves. I know that we will still have to talk about the SN about the issues, about the real and understandable worries. I will actually still worry. I am just going to be doing both now, happy and worried. That's Combo Number 27, the joy/fear combo.
I deserve this. The baby especially deserves to be anticipated with joy. No one else will love him unconditionally like we will. We have to find that now. We have to let go and let it all happen and take him in our arms and sigh and say "finally you are home, we have you now." All of the other stuff will fall in line.
I am not trying to become a head in the ground sort of Mom. I know that we still have hard conversations about what is coming, what we will face. But that stuff? That's not all there is. I am going to let myself see the rest. I am going to let go a bit.
Okay?
M

Because

Because every girl needs her very own sparkly tree in her bedroom.

Because, even Princess Leia had to learn her letters.

Because, sometimes you just need to steal Mama's colander, the cat play cube and turn yourself into a robot.

Because, even big girls need their Papa.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Because, sometimes, nothing will do but a quick holiday bootie dance!

Steve