Sometimes our minds work in funny ways. Here I am zooming thru my life and loving every minute of it. No thoughts of infertility, no desire for a biological child, because , Heaven knows, I love my little girl with every fiber in my being and being HER Mom is what I was meant for. Seriously- once we were on the path to Evelyn, my heart just opened wide for her and the pain of infertility was gone and I have not looked back- not ever. And I'm not now. It just seems that for some strange reason, for about 4 nights in a row, I have been having pregnancy dreams. It's so strange- I have no desire to be pregnant-none. My Evelyn came from China and China is the way that my next child will come, I love it. What I can not for the life of me understand, is why , oh why is my subconscious doing this?
I have the dreams and wake up and for a brief few seconds I am thrown into an absolute darkness of grief and longing, similar to what I call " the good old days of zero percent chance". Then I hear this little sleepy voice coming over the monitor- "Mama I up here waiting for you" and my heart explodes into joy and I'm like "oh yeah" and I go thru the day, never longing for a biological child, just maybe another spicy, bossy, dark haired beauty from a far away land. I know that my mind is working on things. Maybe since we are now finally, really settling into family life, my guts are working out some deep unexpressed stuff that got pushed aside when Ev came along like gang busters. For now I will allow myself to feel those brief moments of pain , I know that they will pass. I know that there is another child out there for me, I am already starting to worry over her and wonder- maybe these dreams are linked up with that. In reality though I should be dreaming of papers and copies and stamps and files.....don't ya think?
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