Enough

Tonight as I was running through the bedtime routine with Ev, we got to the part where she puts her book back on the shelf and then climbs into my lap for some rocking and then, all of a sudden there was a difference in the routine.... Evelyn walked over and turned the light off and said "let's be quiet together", then she climbed up into my lap and , get this, she was quiet. Really quiet. We just sat there rocking in her dim room, we could hear Leslie downstairs moving around and the occasional bit of the jazz that he was listen to would drift up to us, and it was nice. No, it was amazing, it was wonderful.
Evelyn is so hard to love on most of the time. She just has to be moving or talking. And, well, we have some left over issues from her start in life, if the truth is to be known. I have been working on getting her to slow down and pay attention when her family wants to love on her. I don't force her. As she got older though and there are no bottles and she doesn't need hardly any lap time and she can pretty much handle the first aid required for her own boo boo's independently, I was loosing precious time to keep her connected and focused on any sort of cuddle time. So, I have been working on this thing where I say "ok, we are going to cuddle now, is there anyhting you would like to say first? and then we cuddle and if she tries to start yapping, I just quietly say "hey kiddo we are snuggling now, we can talk in two minutes". At first this was terrible for her, she just wanted to squirm away and she wanted to start acting silly or talk her fool head off. (Don't get me wrong, talking is fine but, we do enough of that throughout the day that I feel that learning to be quiet together is important too). Slowly but surely she has started enjoying that time and each night gets a bit longer and now, instead of asking for a book right away, she first establishes that we will be rocking.
Tonight was a real first and I can not describe how good it felt to have her there, all swaddled in pink, smelling like sunblock and bug spray, warm and breathing on my lap, quiet, for like a half an hour. Moments like that are the moments that carry you through life. At one point I was a bit weepy and I whispered " I love being like this with you" and she said " I know, me too Mama, it gets me in my eyes" and then she wiped a tiny tear away.

Here I am. 34. I will never be rich. I will never be stunningly beautiful. I will never drive a fancy car. I will never be famous. I will never have a maid.
But.
Holding my daughter in my arms tonight, listening to her breathe and hearing my husband rattling around the house- I realized something.
I have enough.