This is my girl. She is three going on thirty sometimes. She is smart, bright, funny, obstinate, single minded and sweet. She has taken me to emotional places that I never thought I would go to- both in love and in frustration. She is an absolute miracle. There is something so special about this little person, she can light up a room with one shy, half smile.
Leslie and I were talking last night about the love we have for her as parents. I was amazed at things that he was saying- not because he felt those things but because he was able to vocalize it in such a way. It was interesting for me to hear how the attachment has been a bit different for him than it was for me. For him, he loved her right away and wanted to keep her safe and would have killed had anyone tried to take her from us, but he says that the love he feels for her now is so much more, so much deeper , that there is just so much more emotion involved for him- so it was an evolution of things for him. For me, it was BAM! - in that moment when my arms first took the weight of that slight body in my arms- everything that I was ever going to feel for her burst into my chest and into my mind and I have not been the same. Though, I didn't realize it at the time. At the time, I thought that I felt the same way that Les speaks of, sort of protective and wary and needing to bond. Now, I know that it was all there and it has taken time for my mind and heart to be able to process portions of that love in a cognitive way, and I know that there is more to come.
Sometimes when I pick her up now, and I feel how long she is and how much heavier she is, when my hands touch that warm brown skin- I am lost. Lost in the thoughts of her- my heart feels as if it will melt or bust- I just get flooded with the thoughts of who she was, who she is now and who she will be one day -and I know I will never again see such luck in my life. I am lucky to be able to share her days with her and to be her guide in life. I am lucky that in all of the world, she looks at MY face and says "mama". I am lucky that my house is filled with her chatter and her giggles and the sound of her feet tramping about so imperiously.
All of our days are not halcyon for sure. She can drive me right up the wall with bug fears, gum worries and her constant need to fuss, fuss, fuss. She is three- an irrational beast at best- so we do have our days. She truly is the single most stubborn person that I have ever met and I am constantly making adjustments for that and some days I just want to holler at the top of my voice because I am tired of seeing that set expression of hers that Leslie and I call, Turning to Stone. Then, in a moment, she will soften and smile and I am a goner and I have no idea why I was so frustrated and we move on to the next thing on our list.
Today, so far, we have snuggled in bed, had chocolate for breakfast, bacon sandwiches with a tea party mid-morning, we have chased Billy Bones in order to remove a tick from his head, we have loved and petted Stella, we have discussed the weather and if her Papa will be able to stay out of the rain today. Later, we will sit and watch a silly movie while we paint our nails, we will have lunch, we will take a walk in the soft rain (hopefully it will stay at a soft rain), and, knowing Ev, we will talk all the while. There will be blessed naps, un-holy tears, I am sure, and a few spats.
I dare anyone on the planet to have such a Sunday as this.
No comments:
Post a Comment