Yogi Bean

It all started with The Forbidden Kingdom. Then we talked about it. Then we saw Fantastic Mr. Fox, in which a cute little fox does it.
I have also noted The Bean's inability to control her talking at times and so I encouraged it.
What am I talking about?
Meditation of course.
It's Ev's new thing.
It is challenging enough to keep her interested.
She wants to achieve enlightenment. She doesn't know that or what it's called, but she tells me that she wants to get control over her mind and empty it.
So, we have been letting her go at it.
I taught her some basics about breathing and times that she should meditate and she has taken off.
Last night she meditated on the couch after we told her she was being wild and out of control. She sat there and took deep breaths and relaxed. When she opened her eyes she was her non-wild self again.
The bonus is that I get like 5 minutes of non-chatter.
Win-win.


We  are not weird at all.
Right?

The Bangs Are Back

We have been trying to grow Ev's hair out. We were almost there but she was getting more and more resistant to getting her hair "done" and well, she was looking a bit unkempt. I took her for a Day of Beauty yesterday and I decided to get the bangs put back in. She does have the Asian Swirl on the back of her head but it's not too bad and I think that we can keep bangs in without them getting thicker and thicker.

We are all three much happier now. She had her bangs long and they would hang over to the left side of her face in this big hank. That's what I called her "Ev and Hank". Hank had to go.

Her Aunt did not want this to happen. Neither did Grandma. I think they liked Hank.

( You can see evidence of Hank in the Easter photos below. Look at the one with the baskets with her in her pj's _ third one down I think. There you will see Hank. I stand by my decision.)

Corker

Would anyone like to tell me how a little girl so ever lovin' cute could behave like a little malcontent?
Or maybe she was acting a bit more like a diminutive crab apple?
Oh! Maybe she was channeling Oscar The Grouch?
I think that her little body is coming off of her Easter Sugar Shock and that she is all jumblied up.
Either way you put it, she marched to my bedside this morning (very darn early might I add?) and she announced in all her Imperiousness that she was "mad at my Dad. Humph!" Then she cried a little and there were dirty looks cast over at the lump on the other side of the bed. A Papa shaped lump. I knew we were in for a ride then.
Well, I talked her down from that mad, though she did discuss the whole issue- not-so-politically -with Papa when he woke up. It seems that there was talk of watching a certain movie together and then they ended up working in the garage and back yard all evening last night so you know- no movie. THE HORROR.
Then it was time for me to go start laundry. I made this decision after a whole lotta fuss and back and forthing over breakfast. She followed me to the basement and proceeded to act as if the basement needing swept was some sort of morality breakdown on my part.
Sigh.
It's 4 pm right now. I have banished Her Royal Grumpiness to her room for a nap. After a live long day of mouth.
As I understand it, she "is not going to sleep. She is not tired. She is just going to lay there and stare at her ceiling until one hour is up. And by the way what was lunch? Because I don't remember you feeding me."

Maybe she can stare at her ceiling for 2 hours.......

Easter Began with a Slaughter, then It Down Shifted Into Kids Jazzed On Sugar

This was one of the first things that happened on Sunday. This is why Billy lurves Grandma's.

Disclaimer: We usually save the animals if we can. If the animal will survive by the time we know what's happening- Billy looses his prey. 

There was a little of this....

 

Then there was alot of candy.........

Then we dressed the kids up.....

Then I cooked with Mom as Sous Chef and we ate. I did not take pictures of the meal or us eating because I feel that the picture of the cat with the bird in his mouth is graphic enough. There was also Carrot Cake.

Oh! And Just one more picture of Complete Cuteness....

March 27

Friday, April 2, 2010

March 27

You were taken from your family on this day. Your Foster Family, but, did your little heart know the difference? China has moved you into place to get ready for "your adoption process". Huh.
You know nothing about us. You have no real idea what has happened I think. There is just pain and confusion. I mean, I am assuming here. What else could you be feeling?
 Here, half way around the world you are loved. Loved completely and beyond measuring. When you land in my arms - that will be the ticket. I will grab onto you and I will NEVER let go. I will never leave. You will never have to face the loss of a parent again.
My heart already knows yours. I have been sick and grieving for days. Since the 27th in fact. Somehow my heart knew what my mind did not. That you were hurting.
Some day I will have you in my arms here at home. We will be outside.  I will have myself braced against the weight of you and you will be there, warm and real. The sun will be shining and your sister will be talking away at us, and, just for a second she will quiet down and it will be us, quiet and together. Then the breeze will pick up and ruffle your black hair and I will smell your shampoo. And Papa will smile at us because he will see this moment and know it is the one that I have held in my mind to survive this wait. I will have you and we will be a family.
Forever.
Papa. Mama. Sister. Brother.
Father. Mother. Daughter. Son.

Life to be Lived

There is life to be lived. I have a daughter that is here and a life happening around me. I spent all day yesterday, just letting myself feel the pain and anxiety. This is a trick I learned a long time ago. No denial, No "trying to get through". Just feel it. Set aside an alotted time and really feel what you are feeling. When your time is up, you grab your bootstraps and you lift your face and you go on.
I am hurting for my son. Yes indeed. I will continue to do so. But I have a daughter who is here and who is living her last weeks without a sibling. I have a daughter that is happy and excited over Spring and Easter and she is vibrating with life and happiness. I will live these moments with her. I will be here for her.
I knew intellectually that Liam would have to go through that separation. I would have handled it much better if I hadn't had my heart echoing his. But now I know right? Now I have a window. I think, in many ways it was a gift, of sorts. I think when I see him and we have him and things get tough I will be able to look at him and remember what I felt during this time and it will allow me a few more moments of patience. A whole lot more understanding.
So that's where I am.
 And now? The sun is shining and Ev is aching to go to the park. So we shall.

Connected?

For a few days now I have been a MESS. Crying in the shower, chest pains and aches around my heart. Rapid pulse at times. Nausea. High levels of anxiety. I have mostly been able to hold my shit together.  Mostly.
I am actually impressed that I have NOT been Monster Mom with Ev. It has taken Herculean Strength but I have managed.
I wish that I would have said something to Les about what I really thought was going on but, I didn't want him to have another reason to think I am nuts. I thought I WAS nuts. I thought, deep in my heart that something was going on with Liam. I would look at his picture and the pains and breathing would increase and my hands would shake and I would want to puke. This continued until I broke down and e-mailed Love Without Boundaries yesterday. After I e-mailed them to say, hey we are Ao Zhuang's parents, we are wanting to know what we can do for him, etc." Les and I went for a walk in the park. At the park I did say that I knew that whatever was going on with me was linked to Liam's emotions. I thought though that I was worrying ahead, you know about Gotcha Day and all of that.
Today I got a response from LWB. The first sentence was "Oh yes I know Zhuang!" I can not tell you how that made me feel. Then the e-mail goes on to say that Liam/Zhuang has been recently moved from their Foster Care Program, back to the Orphanage.
He was sent back. On the 27th. The day before I was weeping in the shower.
My heart knew that he was in a tough place. My heart was grieving right along with his. I know it was.

My poor boy. All alone through one more huge and awful thing. One more situation to have to get used to. One more situation to marshal the strength to survive. One more thing that I will not be there to hold him through.

In a way it's ok. This does mean that things are moving over there. The system is grinding it's wheels. China knows where he is, they are "moving him into position".  He HAS been cared for. He will be cared for.
Mostly though? Mostly today I am filled with hurt and anger and loss. I can not even imagine what it was like for him to be taken away from the only family he knew. I can not imagine how his Foster Family felt to see him being driven off. I would love to tell them " I will get there. He will be loved.  He will be our special boy. Thank you for holding him when I could not. Thank you for sacrificing a bit of your heart to him."
I think of him now in the orphanage just ...what? What is he doing?
If my heart is any indication he is hurting in an awful way.

If anyone ever doubts that adoptive mothers and fathers have a connection with their children, they should just stop. We do.
 My heart already knows his heart.