Connected?

For a few days now I have been a MESS. Crying in the shower, chest pains and aches around my heart. Rapid pulse at times. Nausea. High levels of anxiety. I have mostly been able to hold my shit together.  Mostly.
I am actually impressed that I have NOT been Monster Mom with Ev. It has taken Herculean Strength but I have managed.
I wish that I would have said something to Les about what I really thought was going on but, I didn't want him to have another reason to think I am nuts. I thought I WAS nuts. I thought, deep in my heart that something was going on with Liam. I would look at his picture and the pains and breathing would increase and my hands would shake and I would want to puke. This continued until I broke down and e-mailed Love Without Boundaries yesterday. After I e-mailed them to say, hey we are Ao Zhuang's parents, we are wanting to know what we can do for him, etc." Les and I went for a walk in the park. At the park I did say that I knew that whatever was going on with me was linked to Liam's emotions. I thought though that I was worrying ahead, you know about Gotcha Day and all of that.
Today I got a response from LWB. The first sentence was "Oh yes I know Zhuang!" I can not tell you how that made me feel. Then the e-mail goes on to say that Liam/Zhuang has been recently moved from their Foster Care Program, back to the Orphanage.
He was sent back. On the 27th. The day before I was weeping in the shower.
My heart knew that he was in a tough place. My heart was grieving right along with his. I know it was.

My poor boy. All alone through one more huge and awful thing. One more situation to have to get used to. One more situation to marshal the strength to survive. One more thing that I will not be there to hold him through.

In a way it's ok. This does mean that things are moving over there. The system is grinding it's wheels. China knows where he is, they are "moving him into position".  He HAS been cared for. He will be cared for.
Mostly though? Mostly today I am filled with hurt and anger and loss. I can not even imagine what it was like for him to be taken away from the only family he knew. I can not imagine how his Foster Family felt to see him being driven off. I would love to tell them " I will get there. He will be loved.  He will be our special boy. Thank you for holding him when I could not. Thank you for sacrificing a bit of your heart to him."
I think of him now in the orphanage just ...what? What is he doing?
If my heart is any indication he is hurting in an awful way.

If anyone ever doubts that adoptive mothers and fathers have a connection with their children, they should just stop. We do.
 My heart already knows his heart.