Her

Ok. Stop. Do not read this if you are not in the mood for sap. I am just overwhelmed by my daughter and who she is right now that I could just bust. I have been trying and trying to think of a way to describe what it is like to be with her, to see her for who she is. It's hard to really explain anyone, let alone a child as bright and caring as Ev is.
So if you aren't a kid person, if your are not sentimental, if you are hormonal- just stop reading. I will return in a day or two with much less syrupy fair.

Have you ever been out in the wee early morning with a cold mist or fog hanging in the air, when the sun finally shines out over the tips of the trees and lights everything up in a soft golden glow and you feel as if they left the door to Heaven cracked open a bit?
Have you ever been walking in the deep cold of a Northern winter, when the snow is glittering and you get this pleasing crunch with every step? When the air is so brittle and fresh it is almost painful but it is so quiet around you that you can hear the swish swash of the wings of a magpie?
Have you ever stopped at a roadside stand in the middle of a blazing hot Southern afternoon and bought a tree ripened peach and bit into it and had the juice run down your chin and arms until you were sticky and happy?
Do you remember that feeling on Christmas morning when you were a child, and you would turn that last corner and see all of those beautiful packages left there by some Magical Man right under your tree?
Have you ever been handed a fresh, hot home-made donut right our of cast iron skillet at your Grandmother's?
Have you ever pulled up in front of your favorite New York restaurant and found a parking space right there (!) , right in front, just like in the movies?
Have you ever laid in bed at night, close to someone you love and listened to the distant whistle of a train?
Have you ever had your sister call you, out of the blue, and make you laugh right at the very moment that you most needed it?

These are the kinds of feelings that well up inside when I see my daughter running towards me with a smile on her face, arms outstretched.
This is what it is like to live in close contact with a girl like Ev.
Pure magic.

She Shall Never Be Five Again

Tomorrow is June 24th. Evelyn will be six years old.
I can not believe it- it seems like just yesterday I was standing in a hot and stuffy room far, far away reaching my arms to hold her for the first time.
I absolutely adore this girl.
I am so very sad to loose her smallness, that baby, infant, toddler pre-schooler, but I am also so very excited to watch her grow and Become.
She has brought me much joy, oodles of pride, laughter, love. She has shown me that the human heart is resilient and capable of withstanding so much. And that with just a little faith and hope we can always arrive right back at Love.
Through her eyes I am able to see the sheer joy in an empty bag that floats and flits in the open back of a pick-up truck.
Through her eyes I can almost see the fairies that surely must be dancing just around every corner.
I have watched my husband bloom and grow stronger because of her. For her.
When I am with Evelyn and we are driving at night, I see that it is entirely possible that the Moon is following US home to keep us safe.
I watch her struggle with this new life being thrust upon her. The Brother. And the grace that she exhibits, the concern that she has for this unknown interloper, it just floors me.
I love the way her hair smells of embers and things hot and alive.
I love that smooth, soft skin that is such a beautiful shade of brown.
I love her otherness.
I love her sameness.
I love that tiny, barely there nose and how it wrinkles when she is ornery.
I love that every corner, nook, shelf, hole, and moment of my life is filled with her.
She is a magical creature, this girl.
If you watch her closely, you can see her charm reach out and touch the heart of person after person.
If you listen, you can actually hear the myriad of thoughts in her head, buzzing and spinning and wanting to be let out into the world.
She will organize your life- literally.
She will never forget.
She will share. She will worry. She will plan.
One day, I am sure that she will step out into the world and amaze. She will conquer. She will Arrive.
But for right now? She is six. And she is mine. And I love her beyond belief.
I am unaware of the Thing I did in life to deserve her- whatever it is, I am glad that I did it. I am glad that someone was watching and sent this little person my way.
There is so much joy in being her Mother.
Tomorrow the celebration begins. A long, slow build to her party at Grandma's on Saturday.
We will have presents ( possibly too many), we will have Rites of Passage ( ear piercing!), there will be streamers and cake. Through all of it I will revel in her growth, her big girl-ness. Please forgive me though if you see me off in a corner with some tears in my eyes because I will be missing that tiny little baby who used to clutch my legs and say "uppease uppease" when she wanted me to lift her up and hold her.

Weekend Re-cap

We had a long, tiring, fun and wonderful weekend. I only managed to get pictures on the day we went to Cedar Point. I am offering up this quick re-cap because I am still to whipped to do anything else!

Thursday night, Aunt Rae and her gang showed up here at the casa. We talked and snacked and everyone turned in.
Friday we all got up way too early, took way too long to get going and eventually made it to Cedar Point-all 11 of us. Ev had a strange day of frustration and wild rides. She is a tiny thrill seeking muffin and was unable to ride most anything that was interesting to her. She is 41 inches tall and 6 years old(yeah those red shorts she's wearing are size 12 mos). That means that the kiddie rides are boring, she is too short for most of the big rides and many of the in-between rides. She never complained- not once, instead she waited patiently when necessary and rode the things she could ride over and over again- squealing with delight, hands in the air and a huge grin on her face.
Saturday was "layover day", with Aunt Rae and her gang here and Aunt Jenny's gang joining in the fun for awhile before they pulled out, on their way to Tennessee then AUnt Rae's gang left for home too.
Yesterday was Father's Day. There was an appropriate level of sleeping in. Then we went to the lake for a swim, walked along a lakeside trail for a bit, munched on mulberries( right off of the tree). We had dinner out then we went to see Toy Story 3 and had ice cream.
No wonder I am tired and a bit off today! It was a big weekend.
(We absolutely loved Toy Story 3 by the way)

Edited to say: I just checked the tag on those shorts because I started thinking, "Really? 12 mos? In 3 days she will be six- surely that's not right." Turns out I WAS wrong. Those shorts are not size 12 mos- they are size 6-12 mos! And that is why we call her The Tiny Muffin.

Two Hearts

As you walk to and from the fishing pier where we chunked rocks today, you have to walk along this stone wall, that has scraps of graffiti on it. I didn't pay much attention walking out because we were talking and laughing with each other. On the way back from the far edge of the pier, we sat and engaged in sime pretty serious chunking. We quieted down a bit and I sat there listening to the sounds of Ev's rocks break the surface of the lake with wonderful little ker-plunks and splashes. I got to thinking about Liam and wondering if the life we have in mind for him will offer as much healing as Ev has had.  And then I was thinking about how, on the way home from my Mom's house yesterday, I heard a song that I have listened to a thousand times but his time the song was completely different for me 

 This time I listened to it while Ev was sleeping in the backseat and my mind was freely wondering and hoping on Liam. 

The song is Two Hearts by one of my favorite musical artists, Chris Isaak. It was intended to be a song from a man to a woman that he loves. But if you just listen, you can hear the plea that is in my heart and Leslie's heart. Two hearts, one that belongs to a mother and one of a father. We are waiting to to end Liam's heartaches. The heavy weight of his heart break can be eased by the both of us.
And like the song says:

It's not too late.

I am sure that wherever my little boy is tonight, it's dark around him and he wonders why no one has found him. It's not his fault....

So imagine my surprise when, walking back to the truck I saw this graffiti:

Read the lyrics and listen to the song if you want. There is love in this song, and hope and a sort of hurry up and come on vibe.






No stars in the sky, the night seems so dark around you.
You won't say a word, and wonder why no one's found you,
Waiting for love, praying for love again........

Love's a heavy weight, give it to me don't hesitate.
Love's a heavy thing, too heavy for one heart to bring me your love.
Give me your love again, it's not your fault.
One heart can never win it takes.

Two hearts, two hearts just to hold love.
Two hearts, two hearts just to hold your love.
Your love.

And if your heart should ache,
Remember me.
And if your heart should break.

Two hearts, two hearts they can mend it.
Heartache, heartaches can be ended by love, by love.

Love's a heavy weight, give to me don't hesitate.
Love's a heavy thing, too heavy for one heart to bring me your love.
Give me your love again, It's not too late.
One heart can never win, it takes two hearts.

Two hearts, two hearts just to hold love
Two hearts, two hearts just to hold your love
Your love. 

My new anthem.

Trucks and Such

Today was Touch a Truck Day at our local library. They had the parking lot filled with different types of trucks and the kids were allowed to climb and clamber and honk and "drive". Every single kid there was in awe and most of them were climbing and test driving. Well, all of them but mine.

The only vehicle she got into willingly was The Mulcher! Oh she did go into the Ambulance but that was because I went in too, and then we forced her up on the Zamboni.

After we had our fill of trucks, we headed to the lake for some good, old fashioned rock chunkin'. We were right across the Grand River from Papa's Station and we walked out on the fishing pier. (There is this great stone wall with graffiti there that I love.)

Then dinner out.

It was a good day, even if that little stinker refused to get inside the Fire Engine!

Now she and Papa are preparing for a night of camping out, in the backyard.

Ahhh, the joys of summer.

Please note: The Maternal Unit is NOT camping out. It's ummmm, not my thang. I mean I will do it when forced but NOT 75 feet away from my own bed- that's just wrong, man.

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At The Store

Bean and I were at the store today- stocking up on totally nutritious food like pizza and ice cream and brownie mix when this Asian couple walked past us. I hardly noticed as Bean was in high chatter and there was this hot topic going on about what topping we were gonna buy to go on our brownie sundays tonight (chocolate or hot fudge)....

Bean noticed though. She always notices Asians- Chinese or Japanese or Korean. She notices every Asian person in a 3 mile radius.

Today she stopped gabbing about The Topping long enough to point out the Asian folks. I smiled and said oh yes " she is lovely"- because that's usually how it goes- she sees mostly the women and thinks they are beautiful ( they are). 

Then Bean looked at me and she said " I don't know why I always want to look at Chinese people- Do you Mama?" I just stood there, thinking of what to say and how to say it in such a public place. I was taking way too long to answer and it seems that Bean already had it worked out.  After  a very short few seconds she said " I think it's because they make me think of my Birth Mother".

 So we had a conversation in the car coming home. 

I asked her if she thought of her Birth Mother often and she said yes. I said " You know it's okay to talk to me about her or your time in China or being adopted- anything - anytime- right?" 

She said " I don't talk about it much because I get sad and confused and I can't....I don't know what words to use to talk about it".

We decided that sometimes it will be okay for me to ask her (Bean) about it and anytime she is thinking about things she can at least say " I am thinking about my Birth Mother" and then we can try to find words together.

These kind of moments with her make me really glad that I have read many, many blogs of other families and they have each helped me prepare for this and glad that there are now brownies and ice cream in the house- for that all important Emotional Eating that will be done. 

Waiting: It's What We Do

We are a military family and we have a life that is fraught with separations and schools and Temporary Assignments. We are also an adoptive family and we get to do that long, winding meander to our children.

So waiting is what we do.

Some days I am good at it and some days I am not.

I thought that at this point- I wouldn't be very good at it.

I am doing ok which surprises me.

Maybe it's because we have so many things left to do between now and travel?

Maybe it's because I am just plum exhausted and have left the worrying and details to God?

Maybe it's because I have partially shut down and I am not letting anything get too close or be too real?

I can tell you that it's NOT because I am not frantic to get to him. It's not that my heart does not long to be with him with every beat.

We are waiting for TA now. China is the boss.

It's also a funny thing that I don't mind so much waiting on China- it was all of that futzing with THIS country's Immigration that really chapped my hiney.

We are facing a potential 7 week wait until travel right now.

On one hand I think' how will we ever make it?" and then on the other hand my mind goes back to our first test pack two nights ago and I think "well, will 7 weeks be enough time to get this right?"

Either way you cut this pie- we are waiting and there is not a single thing that I can do to speed it up. I can only survive it with Grace.

At times I get this choking vice around my chest and throat. I would be rushing to the Doctor for meds if I hadn't gone through this before. I know what that feeling is. It's my heart longing desperately to have us all together. As it is, I just take a deep breath and swallow and Ev and I drive out for ice cream.

And we wait.