A Few Words on Excitement

"Aren't you so exited?"
"Isn't it so exciting?"
"Oh! How exciting!"

These are words that I am hearing over and over again right now.
And I am.
Excited I mean.
BUT.....
I am also afraid and nervous.
Not for me. (Okay a little for me)
But for him.

I have said it before and I will say it again: To him we will be strangers, complete with weird faces and strange smells. To him we are just another shake up.
I know that time will march on and we will all come out on the other side of this thing loving and trusting and with a whole new family.
 But the getting there? That might be rough.
Then again it might not.
The thing is, I have no idea how he will be.
I do know though that even if he is Wonder Baby - mellow and loving and easy to adjust, we are still going to have that trip. Another one of those two weeks in a strange land kind of experiences.
Even if he never bats an eye and Ev is all goodness and light. I will still be adding another child to this equation.
 In one glorious moment they will hand me the cutest, chubby cheeked little 21 month old boy, and they will walk away.
And we will be thousands of miles away from home and have days upon days until we can even begin to turn our faces towards home. So that in and of itself is daunting and worrisome.
I could write a book on what he will be going through. Our little Liam. My bright son.

So.
Excitement.
Yes it is there, a long slow burn of excitement.
I am doing all of the things that make my heart light with anticipation.
The highchair, the crib, the endless fondling of clothes and picking out the perfect toy cars to take. I am cleaning and making lists and I am gathering unto me the tools that I will need to meet his needs.

This morning I thought, in a sleepy haze, "Six days. Only six days until I can get on that plane". And it was joy. Pure joy.
Not like with Ev though, where I was just eaten alive with feelings of joy and excitement for myself.
It is a quiet joy, thoughtful and cautious, mixed in tightly with worries for him and his spirit.
And I have come to realize that it's ok. That no matter what he is wanted and loved and he will be cherished and spoiled and have cookies, and Grandparents who are proud to know him, and an
Aunt who is fierce in her love, a cousin who shouts, no, SCREAMS with joy when he hears that Liam is coming, a sister who will be the best big sister a boy could ever know, and there will be healing both physical and spiritual... oh and a Papa, a sweet, kind lovely bear of man to teach him the ways of life.....

And so if I feel fear and anxiety mixed with love, anticipation and joy and that long slow burn of excitement, it just means I have done this before. It means that I am still a bit shell shocked form our first weeks home with Ev. It means that I am placing Liam over my own feelings, and that's not all bad is it?

Because even though the expenses are over the moon and alot more than we counted on. Even though it will be hard, even knowing what I know about what is to come- you would have to literally take my life and breath from my body to stop me from going to him.