She's Ba-aack!!

Not back to herself exactly but back to some semblance of the girl we know and love. We have been having "a bit of a go" with her lately. She has been in a stage. A "stage", I mean.
She has been testing us and trying new and unusual things. I have to say that I should have been more on top of things but I get tired of being so on top of things all of the time. I let some behaviors slide and I would just lecture and talk and there were no real consequences for her. (I do NOT mean spankings as discipline or consequences) So she just got worse and worse. Defiance, sarcasm, general rottenness.... It got old. We had a HORRIBLE night the other night. I had to be tough and tough and tough. I had to put all of that stuff I should have been doing for weeks into one night. It was ugly.
That is so hard for me. It is hard for me to be the one that is saying, "NO" with some follow up action to help re-enforce what I say. Like, "Evelyn please do action A" then she just stands there and looks at me and shakes her head no and I have to get tough and make her listen and then devise some consequence. Time and time again. I turned to alcohol as soon as she was in bed that night. I am holding my breath now. She seems to have gotten that we are back on track and that she is not running the show, with just a few slips now and again that I am vigilant in watching for.

It is hard for me to be this person in Ev's life. I want to be her friend and play mate. I want to be the one that makes her laugh and smile. I want to be carefree with her. I want to loose that responsibility of rounding her out as a person. I am starting to understand why my parents are so ga-ga over the grandkids- it's so nice to just be able to spoil them and play with them and be soft everywhere all of the time. It seems a bit unfair that I waited my whole life to be the Mama and then I found out that being the Mama means being the tough one. It means that Leslie and I are the ones that are responsible for her success in life. I don't mean monetary success, I mean "human" success- being a good person, being kind and polite and respectful and well rounded and not afraid and willing to try new things and strong minded and ...... oh. It's so much. I try to find the balance. That's all I can do. That, and love her -but the loving sure does come easy. Even when she is rotten.