Equality

I want to be able to sit down and write this beautiful post about my love for my daughter. I want it to flow and read well. I want to sound smart and funny and yet, somehow, let you in to see how she has changed my heart. I don't have that ability. I don't relate to the world through my heart, I keep that tucked away and hidden. I guard my heart closely. Instead, I tell funny stories or show faux exasperation for a funny slant to my daily life.
I will tell you that we painted our living room red and that I love it but not why.
I will tell you the many issues that popped up in the painting of that room- hopefully so that you will smile and think "that crazy woman".
I am the same way, if not more so about my children. I will write about the longing I have for Liam, that's alright. I don't know why- maybe because I know that I am not alone in these feelings, every Waiting Mother feels those things. But I won't talk much about the magic my heart is flooded with when I look at Ev.
It seems that the way I love her is such a private thing.
I guess I feel like, I can't ever express it right, my writing talents are not up to the task.

So let me put it simply. I love my daughter. She is the very breath of my life. I was not even fully alive until that moment they placed her in my arms. I remember the feeling exactly, it was like I had been under water my whole life and then, my face broke through the surface and I could breathe and I could feel the sunshine and I realized how very rich my life had just become. Sometime I look at her and my heart just lurches.
I will come across some crazy pile of her things in the house, at night, after she is cuddled properly and tucked in and dreaming, and I will nearly fall to my knees with gratitude that she is here, living with me and changing my landscape.
The joy that bubbles up inside of me when I hear her belly laugh? It would power New York City for a month.
I find her beautiful, complex, silly, smart, funny and every good thing about my life.
In fact my love for her is so very encompassing that I wonder. I truly wonder about my ability to bring another child into this home and love him like this. How much room can one heart have?
I already love him, that's true. But I love the idea of him, I don't know him yet. I haven't had the opportunity to hear his laugh or hold him when he has a nightmare. I don't know if he's clever or if he likes cars or balls. I love his picture. I think he is absolutely the cutest boy I have ever seen. When I look at his picture my heart skips a bit and I feel as if I might burst before I get there to him.
What I want more than anything is be able to love with equality.
Is that possible?
Will my heart grow to include them both?
Sometimes I look at Ev and our eyes meet and she smiles this crooked little smile and I know that she knows. My love. That I will do whatever is required of me as her mother.
I just hope that Liam gets that too. If the way I feel when I look at his picture is any indication, I am on the right track.