Turbulence

This post could have been titled many things : Post-Adoption Depression Is Really Real or Buried Alive or Roller Coaster....you get the drift.
The thing is this, adoption IS love.
It is also easy, in many ways.
Most of all though, adoption is HARD.
 You can take any of the new things going on that you are trying to deal with and look at them one at a time and say, "Heh. That's not so bad. I can do that." The problem is that in real life you get it all at once, all day every day and then little to no sleep at night. Then, suddenly you find yourself back here...
PAD.
Sometimes I think it's not depression so much as it is PTSD or maybe jet lag induced anger mis-management. Around here the "depression" isn't so much depressed as it is finding yourself reacting in ways that are non-standard for you and then feeling guilty about that and all of it cycles and cascades. It hits both Leslie and I in similar ways and it's difficult.
Parents experiencing this are not unhappy with the child, or regretful. We are human and we are adjusting.
Have you ever baby-sat for someone and at the moment they walked in the door, you smiled and turned the kidlet over and when they were well and good away? You crash onto your couch and sigh and resume your normal life? It's kind of like that, except no one is walking through the door.  You are it.
No matter how much love you feel this child is still essentially a stranger. You take on a new person who has his or her own agenda and you have to jive that with your established routine.
The love is there, it's the intimacy that is not. The knowledge of their thoughts and expressions. What they love to eat versus just eating because it's there and hasn't been before. Does that face mean he's mad or is he pooping( olfactory assist on that one)? Is this behavior happening right now in front of me, is that organic or is it learned?
As the love deepens and strengthens with the intimate knowledge of who they are, the PAD fades and one day you break through and find yourself in a new place.
A new family, and a new way of seeing things that is much, much better than you could have imagined. You just have to get there.
You have to slog through.
You have moments of astounding emotion, that just rolls over you and leaves you filled up with love and a glow. Then, in the next moments you can find yourself locked in the bathroom, crying and wondering exactly how long this will last.

It's not just the kids that have to work on attachment and bonding. It is not a one way street. The parents need to put in a serious amount of work in that area too. My Aunt once told me, "You don't love your child because they are there and someone labels you "mother", you love your child because of the daily routines and the caring of them, it's not automatic, no matter what they say" . I hold on to this and I cherish it. It's the truth as I know it and knowing that a woman that I respect has the same truth just makes me feel normal.

We love this boy. He is funny and chubby and will fit in perfectly with us. He is a go with the flow rambler and he is lovable and cuddly and many, many good things. He is also barely known to us and he has those issues. Things that kept him alive and well and well fed, things that worked in an Orphanage- these things do not belong inside a functioning family though and it takes time to learn new ways.

Take the feeding every two hours, the tantrums, the jealousy (on all counts of the littles), the tiredness, the Sinusitis, the jet lag, the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, the need to catch up with everyone in your life after a big change and long absence, misunderstandings with close family, the new and nearly constant tummy aches of your daughter, her behavioral hiccups, the husband's birthday and you get a completely worn out and nearly devastated Mama who just has to keep chugging along.

That's the truth.
It is all of the happy moments and cute photos but it is also the gritty and sweaty work of bonding and attaching.
There it is.
Discuss......