Does It Feel Different?

Does it feel different to me to be waiting for this child? Yes and No.
I feel the same heart pounding anxiety to see a face, to have a name, to have an anchor for all of my love and worries. But there is a difference.
This time, there is a bit of sadness. I KNOW that we will all be okay. I KNOW that love grows to encompass all. I KNOW that Bean will be better off with a sibling. BUT a part of me gets a little sad when I think of how her life will really change. There will be the sharing of the parents- something completely foreign to her. There is also the fact that the Youngest will not have that intense 1 child, two parents sort of attention that Bean has had for 4 years. It passes quickly though to be replaced by imagined afternoons at the park. The knowledge that they will have each other. Knowing how very lucky I am to be able to have TWO children. My God there was a time in my life when I thought that I would never, ever have one child and now? Now I get to have two?!?! What have I done to be so lucky?
I have also done this before. You know how they say "ignorance is bliss"? I believe that applies to International Adoption. In my mind I know that when I hear a wail in the night, this time I will KNOW what it is. I will see the hard things that Ev went through but this time I will not be a Starter and I think I will feel that pain more acutely. I will simply know.
Also, this time we are going Special Needs so I KNOW that I will be getting a baby that will be.......I am trying to say this without sounding , I don't know...... I just know that Youngest will have immediate and apparent medical needs. I pray every night that I will be able to provide the exact care and love that she will need while we are in China, so far from everything we know. That she won't have waited her entire life for a Mother that fails her even before she sets foot in her HOME.
This is all academics anyway.
My heart? That feels the same. Exactly.
Like I have taken a deep breath in, and will not be able to let it out until my arms circle around the newest Love. My second child.
I am waiting.
I am waiting.

I think of those I know who have been waiting for almost as long as I have had Ev and I feel a bit like a cheater or a wimp or that I have no right to be in that Waiting Mama Club. The truth is, you can't help it. As soon as your heart opens and you make room for that child in your mind and heart- 20 seconds is too long. It's too long.
We are all waiting.
The Mothers.
The Fathers.
The Sisters and Brothers.
The Babies.