I'm Off...

To go pick Evelyn up from her days of rulelessness and staying up late, baking cookies, playing Piggly Wiggly, bossing Brevin and making Aunt Melissa feeling stupid as many times as possible....
or I may just take a nap in this quiet house.
Who am I kidding?
Yes, the break has been nice. Yes I had a nice time with the Hubster.
But there has been this underlying blanket of anxiety and just missing "something".
Yes it has been nice to be able to string more than a half a thought together in my head.
But I have missed that sweet soft voice and her "Ariel" singing.
Yes I could just climb the stairs and plop into bed at night with minimal fuss, whenever I wanted.
But there was no warm, tiny body to snuggle with. There was no looking at her asleep and quiet.
Yes I was able to Crochet and not re-start the counting fifty times.
But there was no one here to "crochet" with me or try her hat on when it was done.
Yes I slept without the sound of a monitor buzzing in my ear.
But I had horrible dreams and could not hear her sweet little sighs as she turned over in the night.
Yes it is time for The Bean to come home.
BUT...maybe I will just nap a bit after all.....
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I realize that I need to work on being away from Bean a bit. I know that it is not wrong to have some alone time and let her have time with her Aunt and Grandparents. I think we need to do this a bit more. Not that I need to be "used" to be without her around, it's just that I think my anxiety level when she is somewhere else is a bit much actually. I have a hard time letting go, even a little bit. So there may be a bit more of this in the future. I have a hard time admitting that I am a bit strung out and could use help. I need to get better at that too.
I find myself calling my sister up too many times a day when Ev is there and trying to insert myself into what they are doing. God Bless Melissa, she understands and patiently reassures me a hundred times. Well, maybe our version of reassurance is off..... She says things like "I know! I know ! We got it! I am not afraid of her I am an "Elaine" too" or " hey, this is my house, my rules just chill". So yeah she's my sister and an "Elaine"- so that's re-assurance alright.
I love that the reassurance and Faith that I get form my family is it's own , weird version of how others do those things. We are upfront and mouthy and it just works for us. I love it.
I had a very strange experience the first night that Ev was gone and my family- my whole family was everything that I needed. My Mom handled things beautifully for me and my Sister was a rock. I will never be comfortable or able to explain here what happened, I just wanted to say publicly that I appreciate my family and how we are together and how they deal with my weirdness.

For those of you that didn't get the Elaine references, let me explain. My sister is named after our Aunt, Tanya Elaine. So my sis is Melissa Elaine and Evelyn is Evelyn Elaine. They are all three great in every way. They are bossy, headstrong, organizational guru's, funny and bright. They all three take up the whole room wherever they are. They are Elaines. That's the only way to put it.