Talking -very long post.

I haven't posted in a few days as I have been digesting some conversations and feelings. I wasn't even sure that I was going to talk about this- I don't want to be seen as jumping on any bandwagon -or focusing on negatives -or being dramatic. I like to be honest though. And quite frankly when I was JUST home with Evelyn and struggling, it helped so much to read the blogs of other mothers who were, or had struggled with things- so this is a sort of repayment and hopefully I can help in some small way, other families.
I have been following the blogs of some wonderful families who just got the referrals of some very beautiful babies from Jiangxi. I don't know what it is, but reading about little girls coming right out of the same province as Ev always makes me a bit more prone to remembering- both idle remembering and deep emotional memories that come out in sleep or hit at odd moments. Maybe it's the physical similarities. Maybe it's knowing that one of them could very well be biologically related in some way to Ev. I don't know. Then there is one particular blog where the Mom is having some attachment issues and she is talking frankly and openly in such a loving and thoughtful way, she too got me thinking and wondering.
Initially I was just remembering things with Evelyn. Then I started worrying about my second child. I mean, we have already been there with Bean but, I know I will be "going there" again and knowing that each child reacts differently and at different levels of intensity was leaving me a bit .....nervous. I would like to say that I don;t worry for MYSELF, I worry that I won't be good enough or smart enough or see what I need to see to help her.
Then I thought "oh this is silly" it's not time to get worked up yet, stop planning actions and what you would/will say in these times. Just get on with it.
I have recently added a "therapy" with Evelyn that seems to be helping her over some of her issues and I was thinking that I shouldn't borrow trouble. It seems that once again somebody, somewhere knew that I would be having a difficult conversation with Ev and that I needed to be primed.
Then, the other night, we were in the bathroom and Evelyn transformed in front of me. She got pale and she pulled herself in (like hunched up) and her eyes got huge and she said "when no one lived in houses, how did you know that I was in China? How did you know that you needed to get me? There were no homes". I have to say that I was a dismal failure at first, I could not wrap my mind around what she was asking particularly. Every question I asked would make her more and more frustrated and I couldn't seem to find the words that she needed. I had to leave the room several times to cry and pull myself together and then get right to it. Eventually I said to her "Evelyn do you think you remember living in a place that was not a home?" Her face closed right up, you could see the doors in her eyes slam shut and she said "NO", then she began to act VERY silly and happy. That acting silly to deflect is what she does when she is most stressed.
I know that she has deep memories of her time alone in China. She has, a couple of times, said things that I KNOW come from those times. These things are always shocking and sad and painful- for me- I can not even imagine the pain that she has sometimes. (all of the time? most of the time? is it all just a part of her?) Well, her previous statements made it so that I watch for her to say things so I can talk with her or let her know that we are with her now. SO i wanted to address the things she was saying the other night but I just couldn't get to where she was.
After she acted silly a bit, I tried to gently re-direct her and she said "just tell me something from China Mama- something funny, something with the three of us in it". So I obliged. I told her, her favorite story of how we met and how frantic I was (this story has become increasingly amusing for her as she is now old enough to get just how nutty I can be) and we laughed. And we hugged. Then she said "I am done talking about this now" I said okay. I then put her to bed, the whole time I could see that she was still stressed and sad and anxious and to be truthful, I was in the exact same shape (and so was Les).
After I was downstairs talking with Les for awhile, and crying and raging against circumstances in Ev's life before us- it hit me. I KNEW in a single flash what she was talking about. And I knew what to say to her. I raced up the steps and I approached that tiny lump under the covers, I slid into her bed and hugged her and I told her. I told her that I thought that SHE thought that because she didn't live in a home before she was adopted - that she though NO ONE that she knew had a home before she was adopted. (because at one point she mentioned that "all of them" her family - before they had houses). I explained that we did live in houses before that time. That when we adopted her and brought her home her changed her life so dramatically and in such a big way that, I think that she thinks, everyone's life must have changed in that exact way at that exact time. I told her that, that day we met her, those changes were for her. That was the day she got to live in a house." You know what? ALL of the tension left her body, she smiled big at me, she grabbed on to me and said "yep that's what I meant Mama- you did it". Then we giggled some more and hugged alot more and I left, knowing that she would sleep well.
How hard was it for me to say,essentially, "no you were the only one without a home". I will never be able to communicate the difficulty of that -never. How hard was it for me to realize that even though she didn't quite get the enormity of it the other night, that some day she will? It was enough for her the other night just that I could figure out what she meant and that I could talk with her about the scariness of that. How wonderful is she, that she was comforted by the fact that her family always had homes, that they didn't live like she did? I did tell her at one point that "as long as there have been babies in the world, their Mama's have known how to find them. I found you with my heart and I will keep you all your life" that seemed to help her in the midst of the confusion and she thought about that statement for a few long moments.
I have tried to educate those closest to us about attachment and abandonment issues. I am not sure if any one really gets it though. It's like you have to be the Mama and the Papa and see them in those dark, quiet moments to really understand. It is so easy to just go on and see those daytime/playtime smiles and think that there is no problem. That they are "healed" or "fine". The truth is that for these girls, showing these fears is so incredibly hard that they will NEVER let anyone but the parents see it. We can not fix them. We can only love them and try to understand what they feel.
I love my daughter. I do not spend every moment of the day looking for these things. We, as a family , do not spend time shoving the adoption and China into every moment. We talk when she asks about it. I try to establish that I am her Mama forever that I will always be with her. We try to be "normal". It's just that some days she remembers or some days her trust issues are more evident and we deal with it then. I try to be age appropriate, I try to tell her what I know, what I feel. I try to talk so that she can see that I am proud of her and where she came from, that I, in a small way, understand.
What else can I do?