Chapter 27: In which the adoption agency tosses us a bone and then Ev has an episode

We really did get tossed a bone last night. We had an e-mail from the agency that was all,  "hey- download Travel Packet 1". Now, no one loose it here okay, it was just one of those things they send that basically says, "hey -check your passports and here's all the money you still have to have to get that cute little guy home". It's one of those things they send to stave off crazy mothers from calling all the time (cough cough)  - you know busy work. How pathetic is it that I sat and wept with joy and fear that something was "happening". Shoot, that's a whole other blog entry. So anyway....
There I was getting all hopped up looking at passports and refiguring travel budgets. Les was on the couch asking questions and sussing things out in his mind. Ev was in-between us getting more and more silly/hyper.
In the middle of what I was doing, I sort of casually mentioned to Ev that she would be going to the Dr. and getting some immunizations. Now this is NOT something that would normally upset her. She is truly curious and interested in all things Medical. So when she started crying about "getting so many shots", my Mama/Spidey Sense kicked in.
I knew that she wasn't really crying about the shots. I stopped what I was doing. I pulled her onto my lap and I held her and rocked her as she cried for awhile. She calmed down soon enough and was busy wiping snot on my t-shirt. We chatted for a bit longer and she made a move to get off of my lap.
I listened to what my heart was saying for once. I stopped her. I looked at her and I touched her face and I told her this :
"Ev no matter what happens, if I have 1 kid or 2 kids or 20 kids. You are my first. My daughter. I love you beyond all reason and I always will. I will NEVER let you go through anything scary without me. I will always have time for you. I will always hold you when you want me to or when you need me to."And many other bits of my heart poured out to her.

Sometime during this statement, my daughter, that strong little person who never lets anyone see inside. She just melted in my arms. All of her defenses crumbled and she sat there, trembling in my lap. We cried together she and I.

She chatters so much. She smiles so much. She has learned to hold lots of things inside. That... I just forget sometimes. How very fragile she is, how very sensitive and just how much she needs me. I forget this chasm of grief that lives in her.

She doesn't not want her brother. She does want him. She just has this huge ball of very deep and complex emotions to go along with getting him that she just has a break sometimes. She will be super hyper or cry over something small. And I know. And I stop. And I hold her. And we talk.
And maybe someday she will learn to let me in more easily. Maybe someday she will understand that I am here forever.