Hindsight

I sat in a restaurant tonight with my daughter on my lap and for the very first time in the 5 years that she has been with us, she let me cuddle her in public. She sat there and unabashedly let me stroke her hair and hug her muchly and kiss her. Also the other night at bedtime cuddles she grabbed me and grunted and squeezed and said "Mama, I just can't get close enough!" This is HUGE.
I started remembering bits of our attachment journey and I was knocked breathless by how far she has come. And please let me say that it has been work, and toil, and wonderful, and worth it- but hard. I have had to bust through many walls of protection. We have had to prove our worth over and over again.

Ev came home in May of 2005. It was hard. We lived in Alaska and I was alone with her alot because Les had to work and get Underway and, God my back tenses up just thinking about it all. We were there in AK for 2 months and then we had to move. Across the entire country. We drove. Eight hours a day for 14 days. Then we had to live with my parents for awhile in Ohio. Then we had to move to North Carolina. By the time we were unpacked in NC, Ev had been home with us for almost three months and there had been no consistency. None- not for any of us.
My husband and I were also suffering from Post-Adoption Depression. I had three herniated discs in my neck that caused me severe, constant pain. We had to stay in intimate quarters with family as we tried to navigate these rough waters.
I am saying all of this so you can get an idea of WHY it took me so long to start realizing our daughter needed "attachment work". We had gone so long just trying not to drown that we had no extra efforts left in us.
Was she loved? YES! Was she cared for? YES! Did I regret adopting her? Maybe- in those early days, in my darkest hours but then she would smile at me and I would think, ok we can go on one more day.

A year after settling in, down there on The Banks, we moved again. We were forced to, for financial reasons. It wasn't until our second house there, that I really, sort of "got" that I had some work to do. That Ev was in need of help.
On the surface, we were fine. She was happy, we had routine, she knew that we were her parents. It wasn't severe. She was just fiercely independent. There was no real trust for us in her heart. She would only let us touch her or cuddle her on her terms and, man were they stringent, those terms of hers. When I was finally able to take my blinders off and after we were sufficiently settled, I started in. Alot of what I saw and what we dealt with was on the very lower end of Attachment Issues. Most of the time I had to ask, and still do ask, if what I see, is personality or attachment.
In the spirit of total honesty here's a list of what I think we did right and what we did wrong. This is what I have found for us - it may not be the thing for everyone out there, but here it is.

What we did wrong:

• We had major upheaval in our lives right after bringing Ev home.
• I tried to make it through with blinders on and just believe that Ev was doing great.
• I read her independence as only that and let it go and even encouraged it when I should have been maintaining more control and having her be more dependent on us.
• I succumbed to her terms and never "forced myself" on her. 
• I was a bit too wrapped up in "good behavior".
• I did not seek help with the PAD.
• I had no contact with other International Adoptive families.

What we did right:

• I never ignored the physical things that we needed to fix, such as her nutritional status.
• We did get as much routine and consistency in- that we could fit into that crazy time.
• I let her wean herself off of her bottle.
• We never let her "cry it out"
• We had no tv or big distractions in our home.
• I included her in every part of my day.
• We read books to her every day and night.
• I ran to her every time she was hurt or upset. It took her almost 2 years to start running to me when she was hurt.
• I held her and snuggled her every time she would let me. Every time she would drop her guard.
• I learned to touch her in what I call, low impact ways. Like rubbing her back when she was at my side jibbering or asking for something, taking a long time to put her down when she wanted down, stuff like that.
• We ALWAYS picked her up when she asked- we still do. EVERY time.
• We have never used her room as a negative space.  No punishments there, no left crying there. I have always wanted  her to have a haven that was nothing but positive. Her place. A happy place.
• I eventually instituted "holding therapy". This was snuggle time that I chose that had specific rules on behavior (that was needed because her usual trick to avoid intimacy was to get REALLY silly and giggly). In the end it was this, this "cuddle in Mama's terms" that has done the trick. I started out with short, 5 minute sessions about 4 times a day and these extended and sort of moved around in our daily life until we have what we have now- nightly bedtime cuddles- every night. It can be at night and just at night now because she will seek me out for lap time or cuddle time through out the day now if and when she needs it. 
• We have also never told her a lie- not even those silly things you say to gain easy and quick behavioral compliance like " oh we can't get ice cream the DQ is closed", we just say no and go on. She just gets the truth, even if it's a hard one.
• We also have kept our word religiously, only breaking it if something is way out of our control. 

Let me say that I remember sitting in her room in Hatteras, in a rocking chair, in the dark, with her on my lap, doing 360 degree rolls and being as silly as silly can be, and she is not typically a "silly" kid. Then she would get bad and argumentative or just physically push and kick. I remember being so frustrated and angry, thinking, "Don't you know what I have done for you? You can't even sit here and let me hold you?"Oh I would feel so helpless! And then one night? She was just standing there at the rocking chair and looking at me like "are we doing this?" and I knew I was making progress. 

I remember that she had no idea that she could put her hand to her mouth and insert food when we got her. Looking back I should have run with that and let her stay dependent on us and fed her ourselves (for her good, this is the easiest and best way to facilitate early attachment), but I didn't do that. I promptly taught her to feed herself and thus rendered myself "useless". 

I remember longing to have her on my lap for more than 1 or 2 minutes. I loved her fiercely and I had no concrete way of expressing that. But? I let her take the reins. I let her insecurity and inability to trust run the show. I felt like that U2 song "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"

In the end we're good. I mean, she has really blossomed in these past 6 months. It's amazing to see. She is no longer afraid of letting us hug her or hold her.

 She is almost there.